“Babe, I came here thinking I was legally obligated to sleep with you the first night! I came here thinking the treaty to end a war counted on us getting down and dirty! Could you imagine if that had come up, like, just between us, that first night!? How awkward that conversation would have been!? Oh god, that would have been the worst conversation.”

“Focus, Kaito.” Dr. Mariah said gently. “And you don’t have to focus on how things would have affected Kokichi. It’s okay to self focus.”

“No, no, I mean… I know that I can do that sometimes, but honestly, the risks the king put Kokichi through really do bother me. They bother me a lot… not just because it wasn’t fair to Kokichi, though it wasn’t, but also…” Kaito frowned, looking stressed. Tired. “...Kokichi was sick. Really sick. That sickness made him do things, made him really dangerous towards himself. And everyone knew about it, except for me… and I felt like after just meeting him, after a big, really terrible event, and a heart attack on top of that event, Kokichi literally unable to move out of his bed and dealing with all of this shit… no one helped. I was just left to figure it out. To be his sole source of emotional support, learning how to take care of him physically with little more instruction than ‘make him drink tea’ at certain times, to try to say the right thing and do the right thing and learn everything Kokichi needed usually after he needed it, all by myself.”

“And I know some of that is my fault. That I pushed people away, but… I mean. I just don’t understand. Like, I really don’t understand. If it was my loved one? If it was Shuichi? …I mean, it was Shuichi. And… and I’ll admit, it’s hard looking after someone who’s self destructing. Who needs constant attention because their body and mind is failing them, it’s hard, but… look, I know it must have been hard to Aiichi to look after Kokichi, especially if Kokchi was making it more difficult. I get that. But leaving someone who barely knows him to be his only support? Especially after something really bad happened?”

“I can’t understand how Aiichi could have done that to Kokichi. And it was really unfair that he did that to me.” Kaito said, face tense. “I can’t… imagine if I had come all the way here, married Kokichi, and he died in my care? That would have… that would have messed me up. Not even taking into account how fucked up that is for Kokichi himself? That’s just an exceptionally cruel thing to do to a person. And it felt like it could have happened that way so easily, so many times… like we had just been set up to fail. Kokichi and I made it work, but fuck, it could have all gone so dramtically wrong, and everyone but us knew more about the situation than we did, and they just… left us to deal with it. And that really fucks me up, sometimes. I just get… really mad.”

Kokichi had known some of that stuff, of course, but…as Kaito went on, he deflated a bit. He had been in…such a horrible position, back then. And it was horrible enough living it, and…he’d thought enough about being a burden on Kaito, but without self-destructing about it? He couldn’t imagine how terrifying it was to be suddenly shoved in a scary new place, and forced to constantly be around a person that was just…going to fall apart at any moment. 

He knew that people, at the start, kept assuming that Kaito wasn’t going to stick around, and that Kokichi would be taken care of in the way he always was, but…even with Kaito saying that he would be there? It shouldn’t have only been Kaito. It…it felt like people just wanted to get rid of him and…fucking. Punish Kaito at the same time. 

…Kokichi knew he had pushed people away. Been so focused and vitriolic that people assumed he’d gotten over his more publicly traumatic shit and was just…a sulky, inwardly-focused person. That when he got sick it was either inevitable or a result of stubbornness. And, sure, he’d be taken care of, but…people stopped reaching out, thinking that’s what he wanted. He was loved, but distantly. 

…and that was so horrible, for people to take the words of a teenager like that. Teenagers were really dumb! They didn’t know who they were yet! Sure, there were some things people should take seriously, but if those things meant withholding love??? That was insane!

It felt…it felt like his life was a child making an ill-informed wish, and everything painfully realistically falling into place around that wish. 

And Kaito had unfortunately been left to grapple with it too. 

Kokichi curled into himself more, his eyes falling downcast.

“And, sure, I have more selfish complaints.” Kaito said, looking tired and shrugging, “My parents told me that I was going to Dicea because that’s what was needed to end the war. That Dicea had required it. There’s… a possibility that my parents didn’t believe that. Or, at least, my father might have known better, might have known he could refuse. I don’t know if it’s Aiichi’s fault that my whole life was given away for nothing… I’ll probably never know. The person who could tell me is gone, and it’s going to be a very, very long time before I see him again. I probably won’t care enough to ask, when I do. Moved on… hopefully.”

“But…I took a lot of comfort, in that my sacrifice was necessary. That I wasn’t doing it for nothing… and it turns out it was. For nothing, I mean. I was just… unwanted. Everywhere. Sent away from my home, given to people who basically wanted nothing to do with me… it might not be Aiichi’s fault that happened, but it hurts. It hurts me so badly to think about it. It’s… it was insulting. And exploitative. I… I deserved better than to be some fucking… complimentary party gift. I deserved to matter… and I just didn’t. I didn’t matter. I was never more than anyone’s fun pass time… sometimes I think it’s really, really funny that my god is one of Whores and Concubines here. Cause sometimes I feel like Aiichi literally just brought me here to…”

“... it’s not true, obviously.” Kaito muttered, deciding not to finish that particular thought. “I know it’s not true. Aiichi didn’t mean for any of this, and no one was expecting me to just be some sort of bed-warmer for Kokichi. We’re together because we love each other, and I’m genuinely happy. It just hurts sometimes. I’m just hurt.”

Kokichi’s fists curled into his shirt. 

…Aiichi had never said it. He knew how much Kokichi adored Kaito and the family that they’d made. It would’ve been cruel to say it. 

…but Kokichi could tell.

Aiichi told him what that letter had been like. They’d written out the plea, explained how much the war was hurting both their nations, how no one was getting any benefit out of it. Wrote up a request for peace, wanting to make the treaty. All the things that they would be willing to discuss as part of it--borders, trade, alliance, travel, immigration…

And Aiichi had said that…it had been such a small piece of it. Fuse had had a political marriage, and they weren’t uncommon across Dicea’s history. They weren’t uncommon for anywhere in the world, as far as they knew. So…he had proposed that a political marriage was on the table too, to better keep the peace between their nations and foster better relations. 

And when they got a letter back, Luminary agreeing to talk about forming a treaty…they had agreed to the marriage too. 

It was so…nonchalant. Something that made sense, but wasn’t necessary. 

And what Aiichi never actually said to Kokichi was…that if he knew how it would go down, he wouldn’t have written the idea in. 

A whim. Their lives had been irrevocably changed by mere chance. 

…Kaito felt like he had been sold and whored out, because a man wrote two extra sentences in a letter. 

Kokichi…couldn’t quite bring himself to blame Aiichi for it. But he couldn’t say his father was absolved either. It just… Nothing felt good. 

His shoulders slumped and rolled inward, Kokichi spoke not much more than a bare murmur. “...people shouldn’t be used as bargaining chips.”

“Tell me about it.” Shuichi sighed.

Maki just closed her eyes. Not feeling like she had a right to say anything.

Kaito looked over to Kokichi, and really saw how he was being affected… “Can we take another break? ‘Kichi, you want to take a walk around the roof with me?”

Dr. Mariah nodded. “We can take a break. Considering we’re halfway through and it’s already been very emotional, let’s take ten minutes. Go, use the bathroom, stretch your legs. You all are doing well. Don’t feel discouraged.”

Kokichi took a deep breath, and for all that it didn’t bolster him any, he nodded, scooting out of his egg. He wasn’t really sure if this was discouragement. He just…didn’t feel good. 

(Because…there was no solution here. They were married. The war was over. They had a child together, and lives in Dicea. There just…wasn’t changing the past to make any of it better…or make any of it make sense. Things just…happened. And it hurt.)

Going over to stand in front of Kaito, Kokichi held his arms out slightly and murmured, “Can I hug you?”

Kaito grinned, even if it was a little tired and haggard. “Are you kidding? I’m snagging you, you’re mine.” He said, leaning forward and pulling Kokichi into a hug, squeezing him hard… before placing a kiss against his head and, lifting him off his feet a bit to take a few step forwards, proudly declaring, “I’ve caught myself a ‘Kichi~ A sad ‘Kichi, but even a sad one is a prize. Come on, sad ‘Kichi. Time to go walking with your Kaito.”

Putting him down, Kaito took Kokichi’s hand and slowly started to walk away from the others. The roof wasn’t huge, but if you moved slowly, it was a nice little walk that himself and Maki frequently made use of to blow off steam. And Kaito liked the view of the market below over on the other side.

“...I love you.” Kaito said after a moment. “I wouldn’t change anything. Not a damn thing, not if it put you and me and what we have at risk… and I’m sorry I said all that stuff. I know it hurts you…”

Kokichi hugged back just as hard (or as hard as he could comparatively to Kaito) and nuzzled into his neck as Kaito lifted him into the air, just…breathing in his husband’s scent (that honey wooded scent) and absorbing his warmth, feeling him solidly in his arms. Being in the moment. 

The sun was shining, there was a nice breeze. The ever-present hum of chatter from the street floated up to the top of the building, never letting them be truly alone, even if they had privacy. A hand in his, a little rough, and much larger, but fitting perfectly. 

“I love you too.”

“...please don’t be sorry for saying how you feel.” Kokichi looked up at Kaito. “Regardless of if you say it aloud or not…it’s still hurting you. But…if talking about it can make it hurt a little less, or less often? Then…it’s a weight I can help carry.”

“...and it’s not as if we haven’t talked about it in other ways before. At least now, I know definitively how you feel.”

Kokichi sighed. “...it feels selfish, to say I wouldn’t change anything. But…I wouldn’t. I just…wish there had been a better way. But…there’s no way to change the past. I can just…love you now. And be here to listen when it hurts.”

“...it does feel nice to talk about it aloud.” Kaito admitted, swinging Kokichi’s arm a little. “It’s, like… a spent, lighter feeling. It all kinda feels like… all consuming. Big. When I think about this stuff myself, I feel like this is just impossible to get past. Like I’m… gonna lose my mind or something. I feel burnt, is always the thing. Like all my nerves are on fire and my stomach twists and the last thing I want to do is let anyone know, and I keep trying to fix myself and nothing helps.”

“But… saying it aloud? Explaining it to you guys? …it feels silly, mostly. Simple. It’s all surprisingly simple, when you lay it all out. Like, it still sucks that it all happened, but… yeah, I feel bad because a bad thing happened. I feel taken advantage of because I was. I feel like everything was really hard because it was. And I know that’s a really simple way to explain it to the point of being unhelpful, but… when I think obsessively about it to myself? That’s not the conclusions I come too. It’s always, I feel bad because there’s some conspiracy out to take me down, or, I feel bad because I’m crazy and irrational and ruining everything for myself, and either way you look at it makes it so much harder to get past… but knowing you feel bad because things are actually bad, and it’s not more complicated than that… maybe I’m not making any sense. My problems just feel less overwhelming, explaining them to other people.”

“...I owe you a lot, you know.” Kaito said, heading to the edge of the roof, leaning against the safety rail, “I know you feel like you made things harder. That you’re the reason everything was so tough in the beginning… but I think you take too much responsibility for that. Things were bad because things were bad. You didn’t trick me into being hurt… I was. I was really hurt. I just couldn’t communicate to you why… and you made things a lot better. You made a lot of it worth it. I’m grateful to you for… not being awful to me. You were good to me…”

“It’s crazy how much just saying it to someone helps, huh?” When you were in your own head…it was like the actual rules of the world didn’t count. Like other people weren’t quite real, just…approximations for whatever point your brain was trying to make. So everything became this huge disaster that you could never recover from because it was so big and terrible and it would just…weigh down on you until you popped. Usually doing something horrible. 

But even if they weren’t guiding you, even just saying all the same things to someone? Made it manageable. And, usually, on top of that people tended to give more help anyway.

Kokichi followed Kaito to the edge of the roof and leaned against his arm for a moment, looking out over all the buildings making the horizon line all jagged. “...I still do feel like I made things harder, but… I’m glad that I made some things better too.”

“...I just want to be good to you, you know?” Kokichi sighed softly. “...it shouldn’t have all been in your hands. But…I really do feel like you saved me, sometimes. And even if you hadn’t… You’re so good, Kai-chan. If I manage to help you smile at any moment…it feels like I’ve won the world. You deserve the world.”

Kaito glanced down at his husband… before flushing a bit, looking sheepish and flattered. “Ha! You charmer…geez.” 

Kaito chuckled, face still burnt red, as he nudged at Kokichi’s shoulder a little with his own. “You’re sweet… ya know, you would have been a good family head, if that was a thing here. Anyone would have been lucky to have you. Especially me. You take care of people, when you can. That’s really all it’s supposed to be… just someone promising to take care of their loved ones.”

Kaito chuckled at that, before looking down at the people passing by, the sun warm against his neck and the back of his shoulders. “...man. I had never wanted to be this much of a hassle to take care of though. I wanted to be a good prince-consort, a good spouse… it shouldn’t have ever been this hard to look after me. I wanted us to be able to just… support each other. Through anything.”

Some days, that ‘when you can’ would’ve felt damning, but…today? Kokichi just smiled, feeling warm and accomplished, for once not second-guessing how well he was actually committing to his family vows. He was taking care of them best he could, and that was pretty damn good. 

However, that wasn’t the whole story. 

Shaking his head a little, Kokichi pressed himself to Kaito’s side. “That’s what we’re doing, from my view. And what I wanted from the start too. Us to be able to support each other. We stumble sometimes, but…that’s not for lack of us caring for each other. It’s just an indication that what we’re dealing with is…so much.”

“...taking on someone else’s baggage is a big responsibility. It’s an honor and a promise, and, yes, sometimes a burden. But not all burdens are bad, or things you would give up if you had the chance. Sometimes they’re things you carry with pride.” Kokichi rubbed Kaito’s lower back gently, glancing up at him with a smile. “And…it’s not just that I’ve taken on some of your baggage. You’ve taken some of mine. Shuu-chan’s taken some of ours, and we carry some of his in return. It’s more baggage overall, but…our strength combined is more than the sum of our parts. We can carry it all so much more easily than we could handle ours alone.”

“...that’s what it means to be a partner, to me. And…I think we’re doing pretty well.”

Kaito nodded along with Kokichi as he spoke. Sometimes he suspected that his and Kokichi’s worldviews, that Dicea and Luminaries philosophies, were actually much closer than they realized. Just… reaching the same conclusions in the opposite directions. Reaching the same conclusions with wildly different practices… but the goal still being the same.

“Yeah, we’re doing okay… still wish I was doing better, but then, I guess that’s what all–” Kaito gestured vaguely towards the rest of the room, Dr. Mariah quietly chatting with Maki and Shuichi back at the nest, “--this. Is about. Though, I’m telling ya, I am more than willing to go back to the days when it was you and Shuichi having a bunch of breakdowns I had to help you all through. Being the breakdown-ee suuuuucks. Ugh, this sucks. Or is it Maki’s turn after this? Has she had her breakdown yet? I vote we get past my series of crippling breakdowns and just move on to hers. What do you think, ‘Kichi, back me up on this?”

Kokichi snorted softly and pressed a kiss to Kaito’s shoulder. “I think I’m gonna keep bein’ the naive optimist and hope for none of us to have breakdowns. Just…days that are low and a little harder, and then even those to be few and far between. But we’ll be prepared for breakdowns anyway. It’s not a linear path.”

Taking a breath, he leaned into Kaito’s touch more. “...it hasn’t been the full ten minutes, but I think I’m ready to head back… I’m sorry today has been so heavy on you. Some sessions just…get focused on a person. If it’s too much, I could try and brainstorm for other stuff?”

“‘Kichi, the last two ‘not Kaito’ topics were ‘what if we had literal mind readers among us’ and ‘there’s something important to tell ya it’s just on the tip of my tongue’.” Kaito chuckled, shaking his head warily. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, if there is something anyone wants to talk about that doesn’t result in me whining for another forty minutes? I am all about it, bring it on, please. But… well. Today is just ‘let Kaito embarrass himself by whining a lot’ day. I’d like to put on the record, though, that there are lots of days where I’m cool and sexy and reassuring and not a total fucking carriage wreck.”

“Oh, completely,” Kokichi agreed. “You’re stalwart and a shining beacon and so calm and relaxing some days. Today’s just for unloading. Everyone needs days like that.”

There…was actually something. Kokichi had genuinely forgotten about it, and it wasn’t the thing he’d forgotten that was the Big Thing. But…he wasn’t sure how much he wanted to bring it up. It…really was a topic he had been talking about with Dr. Egami, and while there were points to make in group therapy…

…he wasn’t sure. It always made him wary, thinking about bringing up Nao around Kaito. And…a subject like that was less giving Kaito a break, and more just making him pissed than sad. Which Kokichi knew his husband tended to prefer, but…still. 

Giving Kaito another kiss on his shoulder and a pat on the back, Kokichi headed back to his seat, feeling a little more centered, if a little trepidacious. 

Dr. Mariah looked up as the two men returned, Kaito thumping into his egg seat recklessly, always testing that chain of his, while Kokichi poured himself some more lemonade before shuffling back into his, legs dangling above the floor as he sipped. “How are we feeling?” She asked them, having checked in on Maki and Shuichi while they were gone.

“Fiiine.” Kaito said, swinging his seat as he kicked the ground back and forth. “I mean, basically fine, considering. But, look… I don’t really know who else to talk about, with Kokichi’s family. Like, in comparison to talking about Hideki and Aiichi, everything else seems really… small and petty. Like, Denji? I barely know them. I mean, they were there for the whole ‘knock out Kokichi’ scare, but…” Kaito shrugged, “I never really imprinted as hard onto them about that whole incident. I don’t know, they just very much felt… ‘there’. Watching, rather than involved, so… I just never became as freaked out or resentful towards them. Like, if the castle was evil, they were just sorta… passive parts of that. Not worth worrying about.”

“Evil… I feel like your use of that word, and words like it, are interesting, Kaito. You have a very… involved view. Of the concept of ‘good’ and ‘bad’. I think that might be worth exploring.”

“What… things being good and bad?” Kaito asked. “Cause I already know the castle isn’t evil. We’ve talked about that, I know that.”

“Hmmm…” Dr. Mariah tilted her head at him, trying to think of how to approach this, “...Kaito. Would you feel comfortable talking about your life in Luminary? Specifically, the ‘good and evils’ of where you came from? I feel like whatever ideas you have formed in Dicea, they’re probably more developed and easily defined in context to the place you grew up in. It could be helpful to us for the terminologies you use.”

Kaito immediately looked more tired. “...yeah? I mean… sure. Yeah. I guess.”

“More centered,” Kokichi nodded, getting comfortable in his seat again. He couldn’t promise not to tear up or retreat into himself again that session, but…for now he felt okay. Ready to tackle new topics, or handle old ones with a steadier head. 

Denji would be…pretty pissed to hear that out of everyone at home, they were the ones considered most neutral. He knew his big sibling was much more of the camp preferring to be hated over ignored. Considering the flamboyant, unapologetic way they lived, it kinda surprised Kokichi too, but…knowing his husband, it also made sense. 

…the concepts of good and evil…

Maybe they really would be able to get through a conversation about that now. Kokichi just…hoped he wasn’t about to hear Kaito dejectedly mumble about how evil his home was. But this was the best place to do it if he was going to.

Trying to show his support, Kokichi caught Kaito’s eyes across the group, and he offered a small, encouraging smile.

Kaito noticed the eye contact and gave Kokichi a wary smile in return. He also hoped that this wasn’t going to end up being Kaito talking about how shitty his home was, but… well. That was usually how these conversations went. He hadn’t wanted to hate his home. He had been convinced.

Fussing with his joints, Kaito shrugged, “I’m not really sure where to start. What did you want to know?”

“... you said when you first arrived to Dicea, you were convinced that, essentially, the castle and its inhabitants were ‘evil’. Are there any relationships you had back in your own castle that you would have compared your impressions of the castle in those early days to?”

“What, like… like who were the mean, abusive dickwads where I grew up?”

Dr. Maiah smiled, “If that helps clarify, then yes.”

“I mean… I mean honestly it’s easy. Head Secretary Tengan and his little den of snakes… no offense, Shuichi.”

“Just don’t say it in front of Nini and we’re good.” Shuichi said, a small amused smile on his face.

“There were all these little niches in the castle, and who you were with would dictate how certain people would interact with you, what certain things you could get… and I was usually fine, so long as Tengan wasn’t pissed at me for whatever reason lately. Not that he’d ever do anything himself, no. That would put him at risk, you can’t get your own hands dirty when it comes to the second Momota son.” Kaito said, an intense, focused look suddenly on his face. A sort of calm confidence from talking about a problem that, as frustrating as it was, he had understood well and known how to navigate. Tense only because you had to be ready to spring into action in a moment. “So Tengan had these snakes that were all loyal to him. Most every secretary, certain guards, random housekeepers. The housekeepers, the servants, basically, were the ones you had to be really careful around, because they could like you just fine one day and the next day some coin or favors would be passed around and suddenly they were enemy number one. Too easy to buy. Same with the healers, actually, though the healers at least costed more…”

“So, you could just be walking around, and if Tengan had fucking invented some new reason to be pissed at me or take something out on me, suddenly all sorts of random shit could happen. Shit goes missing, friendships I thought I could count on suddenly tuned hostile, things I was trying to accomplish or were looking forward to suddenly became unachievable. Sometimes people would attack me, either because someone else had convinced them to do it or they had been paid off, and that was the best case scenario! Fuck me if they targeted my friends… eventually if enough bad things were ‘randomly’ happening, I realized I either had to go guess what the fuck I was apologizing for and go tell Tengan about it, hope it stopped, or way more reliably, I’d go to Byakuya and beg him for help. Usually one of those would help…”

“And fuck, it was so random! Whatever Tengan wanted from me! Sometimes I wasn’t being polite enough! Sometimes I was being too polite! One time he just wanted me to throw away a gift someone gave me! I mean, I understood later why he wanted me to do it, I guess he was sending a message to the lord who sent it to me that he couldn’t go around Tengan by going through me, but fuck, you didn’t have to throw out my other shit to get me to fucking start… guessing! What stupid fucking thing you didn’t want me to have, you could have just told me! I would have thrown it out if he had just asked, that Lord was a creep, I just took it because I liked the figurine!”

“...” Kaito took a breath, running his hand through his hair. “...sorry. That’s not the point. Head Secretary Tengan’s an abusive dickehead. He’s bad. Okay? Uh… fuck, what else…”

He wasn’t retreating into himself again, but Kokichi’s expression slowly dropped as Kaito explained exactly how things had been bad in the later years. There were the ‘lessons’ and ‘games’ when he was younger, and even the freedom Kaito had gotten as a teenager had its thorns but…there was more to it than that, Kokichi knew. Even with no one watching his back (aside from Maki and Shuuichi, of course, but Kaito had said they’d only gotten increasingly more busy during that time), things like politics and societal expectations only…only became more blatant as a person got older, past the young days of childhood and into the testing grounds of adulthood. Kaito obviously had known what those expectations were, but Kokichi had never heard any stories about how. 

And…hearing a sampler now…

The first thing that ran through Kokichi’s mind was a profound disgust about how much of a child the secretary had been. But…taking his own worldview and putting it more to the side…

No wonder his friends were so wary of people. If almost no one could be counted on? If allegances could change day to day, without a word? If people would actively sabotage you leaving you guessing?

…it made sense why they, why Kaito could never just take people at their word.

“Um, okay… fuck, sorry, I feel like I’ve gone off topic.” Kaito admitted, rubbing his arm and lowering his head, his shoulders hunching up defensibly, “My beef with the Head Secretary doesn’t have anything to do with anything…”

“You’re fine, Kaito. Today is a ‘rant’ day.” Dr. Mariah said gently. “Who else was an influence in your life?”

“I mean… lots of people. That feels like too big a question, my world was… full of people.” Kaito said, his shoulders dropping, a stressed look on his eyes. “...um, yeah. I dunno, Shuichi, Maki, what abou–”

“Nope.” Maki said.

“Yeah, no.” Shuichi sighed, adjusting his cap, “You don’t get to pass the buck to us. I don’t even really like to talk about Luminary, and Maki…”

“Mm.” Maki huffed.

“There’s too much there. Maki can have her own ‘all session’ talk someday. For now, it’s your turn.”

“How about a positive force? Who was a positive influence in your childhood, specifically? Any caretakers that stand out? Family?” Dr. Marah asked, knowing this was potentially a derailing question. Kaito’s family had problems that were well outside of normal childhood development issues. His family had literally murdered each other and gone into civil war. That was honestly an issue for Miss Crystal, and the gods help her, cause no one else was going too. That was the sort of trauma that was difficult to address even in good faith by the average person, and… well. There was too much baggage around the people Kaito’s family actually were to be addressed in good faith by anyone. Anywhere. It was a unique sort of horror, and one Kaito wasn’t going to find a ‘support group’ for.

“Um… I mean… family is complicated.” Kaito murmured, shrugging. “My parents were busy running the country. A lot of Byakuya and I’s upbringing was done by nanny’s and tutors who came and went. Some were nice, some weren’t, no one was forever, so… oh! But I did have a mentor! My ‘Ikou’, if you will.” Kaito grinned, lighting up. “Priestess Meruko Mifane! Miss Merry is what I called her. She was… I think? Fein-ien? I never asked her where she was from, but I met someone with her same accent not long ago, and he said it came from Fein. Who knows how she ended up a priestess in Luminary… but she was devoted! I don’t really remember how I first started seeing her as my teacher, I think I literally grew up with her, so I don’t remember meeting her or anything. She was just the priestess who would always look after me when I went to the temple. She was… strict and stern. She could be mean sometimes, looking back at it. She couldn’t punish me or anything, but if I was sassing her or acting like an idiot, she’d ‘ask me’ to help with certain chores or ceremonies, and I couldn’t refuse her because that would just make her more upset with me. I would just end up cleaning everything, all the time, scrubbing floors and walls with her while she scolded me… I know that’s maybe a weird memory to look fondly back on, but… she was really invested in me. Like, she was involved, ya know? Honestly, I think childhood personality wise, she’s responsible for the best parts of me… I wish I had her longer.”

Kaito shrugged, though he didn’t feel dismissive about it. It was just an old hurt, as he said, “She died in a robbery of the temple. Just wrong place, wrong time… I know trials can take a long time, but I like to imagine Miss Mercy got to paradise faster than usual. She was a dedicated priestess and a good person… and I loved her a lot. I know that doesn’t matter, as far as purifying rituals go, but… I loved her. I hope Atua is at least keeping the journey gentle.”

Kaito did have a lot of people in his life. A lot of influential people, even. But talking about his family was difficult. And the times they’d gone into some of his more impactful partners were difficult. And while Kaito’s life wasn’t just constant misery…it was hard to point out people that were good points in it, considering Kokichi would say two of the biggest were Shuuichi and Maki. 

But there was another major person. 

Kokichi smiled softly as Kaito talked about Priestess Meruko, remembering the (very) few stories Kaito had told him about her. Even if their time had been short, it was all about the impression the woman had left. Amid all his family drama, there still had been someone to…not in words, but in actions, claim Kaito as hers. To care for him as a person, nurturing and guiding, soothing and stern. 

Part of Kokichi did wish that something like paradise was real, just so Kaito could see her again one day. 

Kokichi gave his husband a soft look. “You told me once that she’d been looking forward to the trials, that she’d take to the challenge of growth with excitement. If they are meant to help a person grow, I think that sort of mindset would be really helpful in going through them.”

“Yeah! She said it was an adventure, an adventure tailored just for you! Because Atua loved us, and wanted to give us our very best chance! Atua leaves no one behind, and the trials are not meant to be a punishment. They’re a chance for growth, to improve ourselves. They’re only as difficult as the person themselves makes it. Atua made the trials to deny all hellfi–”

“Kaito…” Maki sighed, “Can we skip the sermon? We all know. Atua is nice and all of that. But doesn’t interfere. Coward.”

“Maki, that’s not helpful.” Dr. Mariah frowned, “And we’ve had Kaito talk about quite a bit that upsets him. Giving him time to express joy at something is something a good friend would do for him.”

“Hey!” Kaito sad, suddenly baring his teeth, “Maki is a great friend, she–”

“Kaito, no, you don’t have to defend me. Stop.” Maki interrupted, sighing, “I don’t need you fighting my battles for me. I’m allowed to be wrong. Stop.”

Kaito deflated… “She’s not a bad friend.” Kaito grumbled. “Maki’s my best friend… she just does… tough things sometimes.”

Along with Meruko, one of the brighter spots in Kaito’s life was the Atuan religion as a whole. For something Kokichi had always heard about in disturbing ways, it was…for Kaito, at least, such a thing of comfort. A way to feel connected and taken care of in the world, especially when you didn’t have much else to hold onto. It wasn’t Kokichi’s cup of tea, but…he could love it for how happy it made Kaito. 

(Maybe that was where all his good will had gone. Kokichi couldn’t love Kaito’s family, not with the personal wrongs they’d done, and acts that went against his very sense of morality. But…especially with what Atua was, the religion was nothing on its own. People simply used it for their own purposes. And how Kaito and the priestesses in his life used it, it was really something beautiful.)

Honestly, Kokichi could listen to Kaito talk about his religion for hours. It might not be the most on topic thing, but…Dr. Mariah was right. If Kaito had to talk about difficult, upsetting things at length, then he could talk about things that made him happy, too. 

…he…did get cut off from talking about things that made him happy a lot. 

Kokichi took a slow look around their group, his eyebrows gently furrowed as he debated saying something. Something that would…probably start a fight. But might be getting to the meat of something. 

“...I don’t really agree with how you phrased it, Dr. Mariah,” he slowly started, giving a nod to the woman before turning back to the group at large. “...but Maki-chan can be a bad friend sometimes.”

With a bit of a shrug, not trying to be aggressive and start a fight, despite how he knew the words would seem, Kokichi turned to Maki. “You can be a really amazing friend sometimes too. And…I’d say the reason I am friends with you is ‘cause you’re a good friend more often and more impactively than you are a bad one. And…that’s my choice, to take the bad to have the good.”

Turning hesitantly to Kaito, Kokichi murmured, “...good people can do bad things. Good people can make wrong choices. And…bad people can make right choices, but that doesn’t mean I wanna be around them.”

“... ‘Kichi.” Kaito said stiffly, “Don’t.”

Dr. Mariah paused, watching this carefully. She had spoken bluntly to Maki partly because she had felt Maki needed to be talked bluntly too… and partly out of genuine frustration. Because, frankly… Maki and Shuichi, in every session, were often casually cruel to Kaito. There was a dynamic there that was being stretched beyond its comfortable limit. It had come up before, and it would come up again, but Dr. Mariah was feeling more impatient with the blatant put-downs, especially when Kaito was expressing something harmless. No one’s self-confidence was actually arrow-proof, And Kaito’s self-confidence seemed to be mostly paper-mache casting shadows on a wall, by this point.

There was a certain amount of ribbing or rough edges to relationships that could be healthy. It kept people grounded. Realistic. This wasn’t that. This was just cruelty.

And the thing was… Kaito knew that. Dr. Mariah knew Kaito knew that. It wasn’t like he had never asked Shuichi and Maki to back off before, to tone it down. He was capable of recognizing when he was being abused. So why the dramatic shift in response…

… ah. But Dr. Mariah supposed defending yourself, versus defending someone from others, felt like a very different impulse…

Maki, too, seemed to realize that, as she sighed, “Kaito, I just said. I don’t need you to fight my battles. Especially not with Kokichi. Besides, I am a bad friends, sometimes. In fact, I’d argue he’s wrong only in the sense that I am a bad person who sometimes does good things.”

“No you’re NOT!” Kaito insisted, shoulders tensing, “You can’t be defined by the things you did under orders, that’s not who you are!”

“I’m not counting anything I did under orders.” Maki said tiredly, “I don’t have too.”

“...I don’t… think it’s fair to what Kokichi said, to focus on Maki’s list of crimes.” Shuichi said carefully, shifting his hat, “I think what he meant by a good person who does bad things, it was less ‘war crimes’ and more ‘being dismissive or demeaning’. Which Maki absolutely can be, Kaito. She almost drove me crazy when I was going through rehab, and if you’ll remember, she went out of her way to keep you locked in a room during yours. Maki can be a shit friend, sometimes.”

“...but... But that doesn’t make her a bad person.” Kaito insisted.

“No one is saying it does.”

“Wrong. Maki is saying it does. And you’re not.” Kaito insisted again, looking at Maki. 

Maki sighed. “You’re not hearing us…”

Kokichi cringed a little as Kaito gave him a warning. The same thing that had stopped him so many times when they’d tried to have this conversation, or something tangential. There were just…so many meanings and implications all wrapped up in the same thing for Kaito, and when anyone pulled on them, he got defensive. Quietly, with people he loved, loudly and threatening with people he didn’t. 

But Kokichi wasn’t trying to have this conversation alone anymore. And…he had the two people in those wrapped up meanings that Kaito would defend most loudly…and they didn’t need that defense right now. They were willing to have the conversation too. 

Giving a nod at Shuuichi clarifying his meaning, Kokichi still paused when they ran into another roadblock, before swallowing and continuing on. His voice clear but non confrontational. 

“...honestly, I think the whole of concepts of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ are more complex and nuanced but…” he shook his head a little. Looking up at Kaito clearly. “...but even if Maki-chan is a ‘bad person’, like she said. Even if someone is ‘bad’. So what? Does that really matter so much?”

“Even if someone’s a bad person today, what’s stopping them from being a better person tomorrow? Habits? A history of bad faith? A lack of trust from others? Those are all things that can be changed.”

Kokichi took a small breath. “So…why does it matter if someone is bad?”

“...vengeance.” Kaito said weakly, “Doing something ‘bad’ just means you hurt someone on purpose. If you hurt someone on purpose? Them or their loved ones are obligated to get vengeance. If doesn’t matter if they can get better or not. Obviously anyone can improve. That’s not the point. If… if Maki did something bad–”

“Kaito.” Maki said softly, “I did hurt you on purpose.”

“Shut up.” Kaito snarled, glaring at her. “Shut up. We’re… we’re still working on that. It’s complicated. It’s–”

“What about Byakuya?” Shuichi asked grimly. 

“...complicated. It’s all so complicated…” Kaito muttered, fussing with his joints. “It used to be so much simpler…”

Ahhhh, okay. Dr. Mariah considered letting this play out, but… maybe sometimes things just needed to be spelled out aloud. “Kaito, do you use these terms as a way to justify your own behavior towards people? Giving blatant bad/good statements to work around a sense of duty towards specific, individual acts you’d otherwise feel needs vengeance or retaliation?”

“...”

“For example, Maki’s harm towards you does not need retaliation, because overall she is a ‘good’ person, so… you have no duty towards punishment.”

“...” Kaito ran his hands through his hair, scratching his scalp. “...it’s… it’s not just… me… Maki and Shiuichi believe in this too…”

“Kaito, things are different here–”

“My sense of morality isn’t.” Kaito insisted. “You don’t stop doing the right thing just because everyone around you is doing the wrong one.”

“Why pretend like you’re still following blood rights, when you’re making all these mental loop arounds–”

“Please. Allow me to interrupt.” Dr. Mariah said, “And give me one minute to allow me to think.”

“...” After a moment, Dr. Mariah asked, “Kaito. Would you be willing to have an honest conversation about this belief? With the intent being influenced, I mean.”

“What?” Kaito said warily, “Like a debate?”

“Yes.” Dr. Mariah said, “This is a mentality that’s going to hurt you in Dicea, and in my own understanding of morality, is genuinely more destructive than it is helpful. You’re not irrational, Kaito, and you’re not cruel. Give us an opportunity to explain our reasoning clearly, and see if you agree with it then.”

…the point was to show your support and love to the person hurt, but…in so many cases, Kokichi saw that the loved person wouldn’t want a show of support in that way. To the majority of Diceans, and particularly for Kokichi’s own moral bearings…something like that felt selfish and performative. And, at the end of the day, would just end up with more people hurt, and no one helped. 

It didn’t make sense to Kokichi, or for living in Dicea. But Kaito hadn’t come up with that sense in a bubble, and hadn’t been treated oddly for that sense in the past. Not stopping doing the right thing because everyone else was doing the wrong thing…that’s exactly how Kokichi would’ve felt in Luminary. And, there, his own sense of morals and justice would’ve felt illogical and cruel too, to those who didn’t try to understand. 

(...but for the both of them, they made loopholes for themselves to act outside that creed and still feel in the right. Because…it was a rare sight to find someone who adhered to a code 100%, and when they did, it was seen as monstrous. Making exceptions, while definitely a bias you needed to address, was…simply, love.)

Kokichi sat up a little straighter in surprise as Dr. Mariah suggested a debate. A debate between them… And this was something Kaito had always been willing to differ from Kokichi on. But still…

He gave Kaito a soft look. “...would that be okay? Even with me talking.”

“...I’m not… wrong.” Kaito said stiffly. “I won’t just agree because you want me too…”

“We wouldn’t want you too, and that’s not why I think you will.” Dr. Mariah said gently. “Kaito. I don’t offer too much of my own past to my patients, as a rule…but you and I? We have more things in common than one might expect, looking at us. Without going into it, I grew up in similar circumstances, with similar beliefs that like, I expect, you, I was forced to uphold in an intimate way–”

Kaito’s jaw clicked. Dr. Mariah smiled.

“--and, very much like you, my worldview, my lifestyle, was taken from me without my willingness or consent… take it from someone who has been where you are, and faced similar hardships. Allowing yourself to be open to new ideas, contradicting ideas, is not a practice of submission. It’s an act of growth. And I expect, just because I respect your intelligence and good nature, that you’ll see that for yourself, if you give us a chance.”

“...” Dr. Mariah could taste the curiosity on him, likely at what she had shared about herself… but he sighed. “Yeah, alright. But if everyone ends up getting pissed at me, I’m gonna… I dunno. Probably just cry. Seems to be all I fucking do now anyway.”

Kokichi relaxed, giving Kaito a more encouraging nod, though before he could say something like, ‘good, that’s not what I want’, Dr. Mariah beat him to it with…a lot more poignant things to say. 

It wasn’t that Kokichi didn’t want to convince Kaito. He really did, actually! Things would probably feel far more comfortable if Kaito didn’t feel like he was letting his loved ones down by not chasing after vengeance, or like his hurt didn’t matter, because he couldn’t say anything to ‘good people’. But…he wanted a new perspective to be something Kaito chose for himself. Not something expected of him. 

…he wanted Kaito to grow. 

Kokichi let out a small, light-hearted sigh. “...I can’t promise not to get heated, but I’m not going to be angry at you, hun. Like you said--you’re not illogical. And I can’t be mad at you for wanting to do right by people, even if I don’t agree with what that means. And if it’s any consolation, I’ve already cried before you twice today, and I probably will again before you do. We can just cry together.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Kaito clearly was still reluctant… before he grunted. Running his hand over his face and growling a bit, before sighing. Resting his elbows on his knees, Kaito said, “Blood for blood. When someone is harmed, if they can’t get vengeance for themselves because they are too emotionally distraught or physically damaged or at a political or financial or social disadvantage… their loved ones are expected to step up. To take vengeance on their behalf, against the person who harmed them, even at their own detriment.”

“And if you are the person harmed, you have an obligation to fight your battle yourself first, if you can, to spare your loved ones the pain and risk of fighting for you.” Kaito said, gripping his hands, “People who have harmed you and yours cannot be suffered or tolerated. To do so is to prove yourself a coward and spit on your loved ones dignity. You have to honor your loved ones. You cannot allow harm against them to stand.”

Sitting back, Kokichi listened to Kaito’s piece. It wasn’t illogical, it was an expression of love and justice. 

It just…didn’t feel right to Kokichi, and didn’t fit with the structures in Dicea. 

Closing his eyes, Kokichi took a breath before drawing himself up. “When someone is harmed, no individual has the right to pass anything more than personal judgment on another. The right of trial and retribution is decided by committee, to ensure that proper equality and growth is upheld. Everyone is tolerated, because as soon as someone isn’t, then slowly there will be no one left.”

“An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, and without accommodations for lack of sight, that leaves everyone in pain and unable to function.”

“The role of an individual is to their hurt loved one. To be what that person needs, beyond what societal restorations can give. To help them heal. Because…everyone heals in different ways, and wants different things. And no singular system can account for everyone, not for everything they need. So the system is responsible for the big things--money, property, healthcare, ensuring that a person doesn’t make the same hurtful mistake again, or proves to them if it wasn’t a mistake, that to continue to live in a society with everyone else, they cannot make the same choice.”

“And then people are responsible for the others,” Kokichi said, his voice softening. “Giving that sense of security back to someone, making new, better memories, loving them. They heal the harm that has been done. And everyone can move on.”

“But that just means they’ve gotten away with it.” Kaito insisted, looking frustrated. “Sure, society doing its whole, I dunno… rehabilitation thing, that’s fine, whatever. They can do that after! If they’re not the type of person that was going to do it twice in the first place, then rehabilitation doesn’t matter anyway. It isn’t about making the person better. It’s about vengeance for the wrong already done.’

“No one is ‘getting away’ with anything.” Dr. Mariah said, “Punishment is a reality for anyone who has had their life disturbed in some way, you can’t avoid punishment even with the best intentions. What Diceans argue is a different form and intensity of that punishment. It’s long term effects are less debilitating. All eyes not blinded, as the metaphor goes.”

“It’s an interesting concept of trade in resources.” Maki pointed out. “Dicea is smaller, more isolated than Luminary. Could be they just knew they didn’t have the bodies to spare. Keep both victim and attacker alive and well, get them both functioning again, both are useful without sacrificing one for the other.”

“Maki, are you seriously arguing their side?” Kaito asked, looking genuinely offended, “You don’t believe in that, I know you don’t believe in that.”

“I don’t.” Maki agreed, shrugging, “But unlike you, I just take care of my blood feuds quietly and then move on. You’re the one who’s made it difficult on yourself.”

“You are a jerk sometimes.” Kaito grumbled.

Kokichi could feel the arguments within him. That it wasn’t about the hurtful person at all! The system in place usually made it so, for bigger infractions, the hurt people never had to interact with them again! It was about the person that was wronged!

But he wasn’t alone in this argument anymore, and he could take a breather as the others chimed in. 

(Though…Maki’s point was pretty interesting. As much as he’d like to believe it, their system in place wasn’t just some paragon of altruism--all other models thought theirs was justice too. Dicea’s was just a way of keeping people alive.)

“This way does make it easier to sort out when it’s not a matter of loyalty, too,” he softly came back in. “If a loved one hurts another loved one. It does depend on what happened, for people to make personal judgements, but…in terms of grand consequence, that’s not placed on another loved one’s shoulders. They don’t have to “betray” anyone. The consequences will happen regardless. They just make choices about who and how they want to help heal.”

“Right, which is why I’m not a fan of the Luminary justice system.” Shuichi said, “Unlike Maki, I genuinely disagree with it.”

“You don’t disagree with it because it’s wrong, you disagree with it because you hate Luminary–”

“Kaito, making the justice system loved ones responsibility, to be judge, jury and executioner, is awful and traumatic. It’s a terrible thing to do to people.Sure, some people revel in that sort of power, if they can get revenge without risking their own lives, but even more people put themselves into terrible risk getting vengeance. And even if you can do it safely, harming someone, even riotously, is traumatic. It hurts the person doing the deed–”

“Not if the person deserved it! And if they beg for mercy, you don’t even have to hurt them, you can show mercy–”

“Kaito… you were eight.” Shuichi said softly. “You know how awful a decision like that can be. You’ve watched Kokichi deal with the trauma of you doing the same thing to him. It’s awful.”

“It doesn’t always go like that!” Kaito insisted, squeezing his hands, jaw tense, “You’re just pointing at the worst examples and saying that’s all of it! Timothy got through his just fine! If the attacker doesn’t deserve to be hurt, and they ask for mercy, then it can be a calm, cathartic process! The general walked away from me just fine, and guess what, I still regret not snapping that bitch’s neck! Our system can work just fine!”

“If you want to use Timothy as an example, you should remember the kid met his own attacker and basically got over it with a simple apology. Not to mention every other staff member in the castle. Dicea’s system is proven to work too, and everyone involved moved on without bloodshed.” Maki pointed out, entirely fine arguing Kokichi, Mariah and Shuichi’s side if it resulted in life being easier on Kaito (cause she was a good friend, in her own ways). 

Still, it didn’t work quite as intended, as Kaito suddenly practically sneered, “Have you talked to any of these people? They all still work here and have for at least a decade, making up for what they did. They have not moved on.”

Kokichi frowned. “No. It doesn’t. Someone could deserve pain a thousand times over, and it would still pain me to hurt them. It’s not about them at that point--I’d be going through something traumatic, for no reason. And then there would just be more repercussions on top of it.”

“People pleading mercy means nothing if the decision of punishment is still left to an individual. If the individual is set on punishment, it’s going to happen no matter what. If a person is truly unrepentant, they will not submit themself to another’s judgement without a fight that leaves them unable to choose. It’s all just an honor system that’s entirely dependant on individuals doing what they want to do anyway.”

His lips tensing, Kokichi looked at Kaito with something almost hurt in his gaze. “If you still want to kill Chisa, fine. But don’t pretend it’s for me. It’s literally just because of your own hurt. Which is valid, she did hurt you too, but you cannot claim it’s for me in any way.”

“And I have talked to them,” Kokichi glowered. “To Fuyuji, to Katsuki, to Waku. I’ve talked to them for years, all throughout our collective and individual steps of healing and growing and learning. I know they regret what they did. Because, to them, the idea of killing me is something to regret. But what they’re doing now, the choices they make these days, doesn’t have to do with me. Fuyuji left months ago, once he knew the castle would be protected--something he got into out of remorse, but continued because of personal pride and satisfaction. Waku continues to work and live at the castle because it’s where she wants to be, where she has made a life and where she feels safest.”

“Katsuki sticks around because being a guard is fulfilling to her, and she knows that people will accept her here, if not totally understand,” because she was given free-will, and has decided to spend it here. 

Kokichi’s eyes flashed. “If you’ve talked about regrets, about the remorse you feel for wronging me, it’s because you asked about those things specifically. I’ve asked about those things specifically, and we’ve talked about them! But I’m not still terrified of kids coming to my birthday with pocket knives, or people climbing into my windows at night, or faceless hoards of people who hate me on principle anymore. But I still talk about those things if someone asks! Because those fears will always be a part of me, even if they don’t have any power.”

Kaito could feel something viscous rip through him. Something mean, begging him to push back. To lash out. To fight…

… but what would he be arguing?

That Waku should have been punished?

Obviously she wouldn’t have been. A frightened child asking for forgiveness should be treated with mercy. Katsuki was in Maki’s position, you couldn’t hold her orders against her either. Fuyuji… well, that one still made Kaito’s stomach twist in disgust. Not against Fuyuji, but Aiichi taking him in after that, accepting him. Disgusting…

…but that was just him doing what he was arguing the others were doing. Pointing at the worst example and calling it the rule. And… there had been a lot more points than just how vengeance personally made you feel, which Kaito could admit was the main draw for Blood Rights.

Frowning, Kaito pulled out his pebble, taking his polishing rag out of his other pocket and idly rubbing it, keeping his hands busy.

“...can someone remind me why we’re talking about this in the first place?” Kaito muttered, looking tired.

“Your beliefs are making it difficult to communicate honestly with your loved ones.” Dr. Mariah reminded him, “I believe those communication issues all come back to your concepts of vengeance and personal duty. Changing this will have a positive ripple effect for your group communication skills.”

“Oh… I guess that’s a good reason…”

“...I’m wrong.” Kaito murmured, “To not attack Byakuya. It’s a failing on my part. Kaede too. If I was truly moral, truly brave, I’d have left by now to take care of them. To honor my parents… and I’m wrong to not have taken my pound of flesh from Maki too.”

Maki couldn’t help but think ‘You could certainly try.’ but had the good sense to not say it.

“...but it would hurt me a lot to do it.” Kaito admitted, looking tired. “I was already a coward to not pursue it, nothing changes that. But…I can admit that at least in my actions, I agree with you guys more than my sense of duty. It’s terrifying, having to face what I have to do…”

“Kaito. There was a lot of emotional appeal at the end there, but the truth still is that logistically, big picture wise? Dicea’s system of punishment is more useful.” Dr. Mariah said, “I know emotionally it doesn’t feel like it, but everyone involved is far more useful to the people around them being left alone, the overall net good increasing. Focusing on revenge would take you away from your family duties, which I know matter to you. You’d leave them worse off, potentially permanently if it goes wrong. Byakuya has already been dealt with, his reputation is in pieces, his power and agency limited, his life upheaved. Even with that said, all those punishments taken into account… he’ll likely rebuild just fine and be living an entirely comfortable life within the year, if he hasn’t managed to pull his material comforts together already. Which, to many, will emotionally feel like a grave injustice. But for his family, and his friends, and the people he works with or for, it’s a net positive. Byakuya is more useful as a functioning, contributing, unharmed part of society, then he is brutalized, in hiding, or dead. The same is true for Kaede. People are more useful alive and stable, generally. If they’re making things difficult for the people around them, the society around them has their own obligation to knock them down a peg… but keep them functioning and useful, for the sake of the people around them. And as frustrating as all that is, it’s better than the traumatic heat and destruction of violence.”

“It’s a pragmatic thing.” She said, shrugging a little, “In some circumstances? It’s a little cruel. But no system is perfect. This one is just better.”

For a moment, Kokichi feared that he’d lost this conversation too. The fight and will to listen just draining out of Kaito, wherein he’d nod his head and say something vaguely and then…they’d just go on, uncomfortable for a bit, and nothing would’ve changed. 

But Kaito continued on. Even though it hurt, hearing that the thing he believed in just wasn’t helpful anymore. It hurt acknowledging that he wasn’t even personally adhering to it, just…doing what Kokichi had said. Not actually using it as a system, but claiming it as justification to do what he felt, even if Kaito wasn’t doing that maliciously. 

Kaito was an emotional person. At the end of the day…it wasn’t about an overarching benefit. It wasn’t about logistics. It was just…what felt good to him, and what didn’t. 

A lot of the time, for someone who wasn’t making laws, that was a perfectly fine way to live. But it got in the way of his life in Dicea, and Kaito’s ability to communicate and understand his family. So…this time. He needed to look outside of it. 

Kokichi sighed softly, easing back from his more powerful stance. “...I know it’s hard to accept things emotionally, even if you’re trying, like…reasonably, or intellectually. But…you’re patient with me on a lot of stuff I’m still working on emotionally. If you’re willing to try, I’m gonna be patient with you too.”

“... it’s hard not to think that this system is kind to everyone except the people hurt.” Kaito grumbled. “It’s cruel. It asks too much of them.”

“Victims are given an unproportionate amount of burden to be emotionally mature about this.” Dr. Mariah agreed, “But it is an emotional maturity. For a system like this to work without being its own nightmare scenario, a considerable amount of emotional support is needed to support the victim, to allow them to move on even fully aware that their victimizer is very likely perfectly fine. It’s a system that requires strong community support. And it helps to be raised into it in the first place. To know what to expect before it happens.”

“...I don’t really understand how I’m supposed to feel about it.” Kaito admitted. Looking to Kokichi, but speaking to the group, “I know you said you’d be patient, but… I don’t know where I’m supposed to be going with this…”

“I think… the idea is that you can be mad and call out our individual faults without having to deem us ‘bad people’ who need vengeance against.” Shuichi said, shifting his hat a little, “Because if you agree to not punish people for their faults, at least not personally, then it's safer and easier to have arguments with us.”

“And, I guess, if you argued with us and did still feel like punishing us… I don’t know? You could get a lawyer, try to have us arrested?” Maki offered.

“Uh huh.” Kaito said blandly, clearly not an option in his head.

“Start a rumor about us, turn everyone against us socially?” Shuichi suggested.

“No!” Kaito said, eyes widening, horrified by that idea.

“Then the final answer is just to talk it out and do your best to correct the behavior and move on.” Dr. Mariah said, “And just be… okay with it. If sometimes people don’t pay for their crimes. If they continue to hurt people, someone will eventually successfully ruin them. It just won’t be you. And you don’t have to consider it your responsibility too. Your job is to live a good life with people you care about. Otherwise, just don’t interact with people who hurt you, and if you need help doing that, reach out to authority figures and the community around you.”

Kokichi nodded slightly. There was personal vindication in seeing someone that hurt you sent to isolation, or having a business seized, or knowing that they would never be able to do something that brought them joy again. But…generally, that kind of stuff only happened with big cases. Usually, the only thing a victim had was knowing that, most likely, the perpetrator wouldn’t be able to hurt people in the way they had been hurt again. 

For the more altruistic of the bunch, that was enough, and they could focus on themselves, and healing in different ways. For others…it was just something they had to let go. It needed to be enough, in some way. It maybe wasn’t the most satisfying thing, but it was what they did. It made sure mistakes wouldn’t end a life. It gave people a chance to be useful in the future. It stopped feuds from escalating, so…ideally, in a generation or two, it wouldn’t matter to the new people at all. 

Everyone was tolerated. 

Kokichi let out a little puff of air. “...it is literally my job, so I’m kind of a bad example, but…personally? It’s not anyone’s business to manage other people’s lives. The only way that happens is my committee. By voting, or by being on a jury, or taking part in community meetings… No one acts alone, where it can affect the lives and livelihoods of others. When people do, those are generally crimes.”

“Pfff.” Kaito puffed, “I mean… I could probably get away with i–”

“Kokichi paid a fine to get you out of trouble back on the beach.” Shuichi said. “He had to pay to keep you out of trouble.”

Dr. Mariah sighed, watching the sudden tension on Kaito’s face. “Shuichi, emotionally curb-stomping your boyfriend at the end of a session like this is an asshole move.”

“I am an asshole.” Shuichi admitted, waiting for Kaito to insist he wasn’t… and when met with nothing but silence, continued on, “If it felt like there wasn’t any pushback for attacking Budd, that was because Kokichi took the brunt of it on your behalf. Lucky for you. It would have been a wasted effort if you hadn’t actually managed to improve since then. You’re literally the perfect example of why this system works, Kaito.”

Kaito twitched. “... is… that true?” He asked, looking to Kokichi.

…the thing was…sure. Some people got away with stuff. 

But they usually didn’t. Because people weren’t afraid to come forward and press charges. 

Kokichi sat up to attention, his eyes widening in shock as Shuuichi threw out what he had done. It…it had…sort of been in confidence, and Kokichi knew it wasn’t…great to keep from Kaito, so it wasn’t like…a desperate secret or anything, but…

And under Kaito’s gaze…Kokichi shrunk back a little, looking anywhere but him. “...anyone can present a character witness to a case. I explained…a-about how difficult immigration is, and that it wasn’t unprovoked, and…and that you had been subjected not just to hate speech, but something personally triggering, and…”

Kokichi worked his mouth around the words, fussing with his shirt. “...we found out, after we got back a-and your case went through, that the court was willing to just give you the mandatory anger management sessions…and a medical fine. …the…the money didn’t really matter… You were still figuring that stuff out, budgeting, ‘n stuff, and…and we had just been through something really horrible… I just settled it, so we wouldn’t have to deal with avoidance fees too…”

Swallowing, Kokichi shrank into himself. “...I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“...” Kaito considered Kokichi a bit… before sighing. Rubbing the back of his neck, “Don’t be sorry, things were crazy back then and… I’m just sorry you were dealing with my shit on top of everything that happened… thanks for…”

Kaito blinked, the energy of the argument leaving him. “Thanks for protecting me, ‘Kichi… guys, I’m really tired…”

“We’re almost done, Kaito.” Dr. Mariah said gently. “You seem upset. Don’t hold onto that, let’s talk about it.”

“I,,, I’m not upset to be proven wrong.” Kaito stressed, “I mean… Shuichi’s right. I’m literally the poster child of why this idea works, it’d be incredibly stupid of me to argue against that. I’m not stupid… I’m just tired and bummed out. I wasn’t… helpful. During the stuff at the beach. Katsuki solved everything, Maki and Shuichi helped move people safely, Seiko healed people, and I was just kinda… there… making things more difficult. We shouldn’t have even been there, I was the one who set up the trip and kept our traveling party bare bones, trying to prove a bunch of stupid points… I’m tired. I don’t want to talk about myself anymore.”

“...it wasn’t your fault,” Kokichi said quietly, his eyes going glassy again. It seemed he really would cry for a third time before Kaito did. “You guys have been telling me since it happened that it wasn’t my fault…but it’s not yours either, Kai-chan.”

“...and you were helpful.” Kokichi stressed the word enough to make his voice crack, the tears glimmering in his narrow eyes. “I was s-so scared…but you stayed with me through everything. You never left my side, even when I couldn’t say a word and couldn’t do anything but just stare at the ground. And even dealing with your own shit after that, you still…”

He sniffled softly. “You still tried all the time to make me smile. To help me feel safe again, when I felt like the world was ending. That…that’s huge. Don’t underestimate yourself.”

Kaito’s brow furrowed, cracking his knuckles and his wrist… before he sighed.

Standing up, he went over to Kokichi’s egg, and without much ceremony or hesitation he scooped Kokichi up, and then sat himself in Kokichi’s egg chair, holding Kokichi in his lap and hugging around his waist. Lightly kicking against the ground as he laid back in the chair, something almost pouty on his face as he held Kokichi.

“...Kaito?” Dr. Mariah said. “You know that Kokichi’s being honest. And emotional support is difficult, you know that. If you successfully did that during a traumatic time, than you should consider yourself accomplished.”

“...”

“...Kaito. Are you… refusing to talk?”

Kaito, still looking irritated, stuck his tongue out at her.

“Okay. I see we’ve reached a limit.” Dr. Mariah sighed, considering the man, “...Kaito, I’d like to recommend your partners set up a meeting with you and Miss Crystal as soon as possible. Today, if possible.”

…(¬､¬)

“And I’d recommend we all meet up again soon. Before the week is up. This session was a trial, and honestly I don’t like to leave it like this. But emotionally, some of us are too emotionally spent. The session with Miss Crystal, setting it up for Kaito and making sure he goes, is your collective homework. Can we agree to that?”

(⇀‸↼‶)

Kokichi pressed into Kaito’s hold, soaking in his husband’s presence as he sniffled, trying to calm back down. It wasn’t good to leave therapy upset. Spent? All the time. But not upset. 

But…it seemed that Kaito was upset and spent--not that Kokichi could blame him in the slightest--so…they wouldn’t get any more discussion done. 

Wiping his eyes, Kokichi tilted his head back to look at Kaito. “...do you wanna stop at that one market stall and get meat kebabs? Just…eat and chill for a little?” With the height of summer, and Zenith fast approaching, there had been many more kebab stands opening up, ranging from more standard assortments of beef or pork or chicken alternated with grilling veggies, to specialty skewers with squid and fish and…well, special recipes with other meats and mushrooms and vegetables. 

Kaito usually never turned down an opportunity for some grilled meat. 

And…maybe they could munch, and a few of them go see if Miss Crystal was open to talk.

(눈_눈) “...s’re.”

Shuichi sighed, shifting up, “Alright, that sounds–”

“Maki. Shuichi. May I have a moment in private with you both?” Dr. Mariah asked stiffly.

The two escorts paused, glancing at each other… “Alright.” Maki said. “Kokichi, don’t wait for us, we’ll catch up easily.”

Kokichi gave his friends a concerned look, glancing once to Dr. Mariah, before nodding and giving the group a small smile. “Thank you for seeing us today, Dr. Mariah. See you soon, I suppose.”

With that, he started gently wiggling out of Kaito’s lap--not an easy feat when the larger man seemed to want to keep him close--and paused to take his hand before the two of them headed for the stairs. “What kind of skewer do you think you want? I’m kinda hopin’ we can find a squid one with that sweet sauce…”

As Kaito murmured something vaguely about that sounding good, allowing himself to be lead, the three remaining members watched them go…

“You’ve never asked to talk to us individually specifically.” Shuichi said warily.

“I’m a bit cross, and I didn’t want your partners to feel the need to bury their own pain defending you from my ire.” Dr. Mariah said honestly, “I have told you all before that I do not like to blindly support relationships that are not healthy.”

“Yes.” Maki said, “You did. But you said ours was. Are you going back on that now?”

“I’m not. I still believe your relationship is worth pursuing. That hasn’t changed… but I am warning you that you both need to be putting more effort into this than you have been, for that to remain the case.”

“Dr. Mariah, we have been tryi–”

“You two, since day one, both seem to be under the impression that this group dynamic primarily revolves around Kokichi and Kaito, and that their issues are the most pressing and need the most work. Because we have had to put so much time and effort into both of them, I am worried I have given you the impression that this is correct. Let me speak plainly and correct this now: you two are not idle side members of this relationship, and your communications skills need a ton of work. You are not here in support of those two. You are an active part of this and need to make an active effort to improve.”

At their silence, Dr. Mariah continued stiffly, “If you keep coming to therapy with the mindset that it’s everyone else’s job to improve and make this work, then this relationship will stagnate. And if that happens, as it is right now? Your relationship will then become unhealthy, and plainly speaking? I won’t be able to support it.”

God or no god. Dr. Mariah wasn’t going to peer pressure a group of people into a relationship that was bad for them, and even if it resulted in them wanting to find a new therapist, she wouldn’t lie and say they were working if they weren’t. They were working for now, but if Maki and Shuichi kept down this road of dismissing these sessions as mostly for Kaito and Kokichi’s improval, then, frankly… in the long run, the group would be better off apart.

“...” 

Clearly neither of them knew what to say, and Dr. Mariah sighed, deciding to give them an out. “I’m sorry for the tense conversation. Please, go join your partners. I’m looking forward to seeing you both, our next session, should you choose to return… but know that I’m expecting more engagement with you both when you do. If you do. Have a good day.”

-

Amazingly, there was a portion of one of the big fountains that was empty, by the time they’d walked away and bought food. Handing Kaito his skewers, Kokichi settled down on the fountain lip with his own (no squid, but there was a fish one with a similar sauce, if his nose was being truthful, and that was still fine by him), and gave Maki and Shuuichi a half-concerned look. “...I trust Dr. Mariah as our therapist, but she can be a jerk sometimes. Is everything okay?”

This was a break. They all really needed a break from the multitude of emotional outpours they’d had (and, yes, all of them, not just Kaito). But Kokichi wanted to check in on this, just in case. It wasn’t often Dr. Mariah ever asked to speak with any of them individually. If it was private, he wouldn’t pry, but…he didn’t want his friends to feel like they could be…intimidated, or something, and Kokichi wouldn’t follow-up. 

They were looking after each other. Making fewer thoughtless mistakes. 

“Basically, she told us we need to stop treating group therapy like we’re not supposed to learn anything.” Maki shrugged, chewing idly through a slap of meat that was probably beef, though she hadn’t asked. “Gave us a ‘show up to participate or don’t show up at all’ speech, basically.”

“Not the first time she’s accused me of not being willing to participate.” Shuichi sighed, chewing on his own fish, breaking it off the stick with his fingers and eating it in small pieces. “She was, admittedly, slightly more pissed this time… I just don’t understand why. We do participate.”

(╬ Ò ‸ Ó) Kaito didn’t say anything. Just twitched as he sat at the base of the fountain, sitting next to Kokichi’s legs, chewing on the stick.

Kokichi’s eyebrows raised slightly in surprise, but he held his words back. This wasn’t time for Therapy Part 2. That would come later. 

He would admit that, more often than not, he and Kaito would end up being the ones to mostly talk, since they were both huge messes and had been the ones to want to go to relationship therapy in the first place…and were more inclined to admit when they were wrong, and readily volunteer that information. 

But that was more a matter of comparison, and surely Dr. Mariah would know that. Therapy wasn’t really the place to be reserved, but he wasn’t about to ask Shuuichi and Maki to just…completely change their personalities. 

“...huh,” Kokichi opted to answer instead. “I’d be curious to hear more about what she means by participation, and what she would want to expect of you guys, if she thinks you’re not reaching that standard, but…that’s a conversation to have at another appointment.”

For a moment, it seemed like Kokichi was about to say more, but again, he stopped himself and bit into his fish, pressing his knee affectionately against Kaito’s side. 

“...I really love the summer food season. I know you guys are skeptical of any noodles besides, like, pasta in sauce, but I’m reeeeeallly looking forward to getting some festive griddle noodles during Zenith. People always fawn over the cabbage pancakes, but the noodles are really where it’s at!”

“...cabbage… pancakes?” Maki asked, giving Kokichi a wary look, “I’m sorry. That sounds truly terrible. Is it pancakes made of cabbage?”

“Mostly, yeah,” Kokichi nodded, not seeing what the fuss was about, even if he wasn’t a huge fan of okonomiyaki--they had potato pancakes and other kinds of veggie cakes at the castle all the time. “It’s a whoooooooole lot of cabbage, with just enough of a special batter to hold it together, then…you basically add whatever you like. Like, it’s original name is ‘how you like it’. But people around here, at least, go with the northern style and always add a bunch of pork belly to it…”

Kokichi made a face. “Not for me.”

“It still sounds horrifying.” Maki sighed, laying herself out vertically against the fountain edge, letting one leg idly swing as she said, “But then, maybe if you add some… I dunno. What’s in all good food? Pastries and breads and stuff? Sugar?”

“Eggs.” Kaito grumbled, leaning his head against Kokichi’s knee, “Everything you like is made out of eggs. Eggs is in freaking, just… everything.”

“Alright. Kokichi, any eggs in the cabbage stuff?” Maki asked.

Kokichi smiled slightly, glad to hear that Kaito was up to speaking again. “Generally, yeah. I think eggs might be in the batter? But a lot of people add fried eggs into it too.”

Looking over at Maki splayed out, Kokichi gave her an amused look. “Hey, I’m not trying to defend it--I don’t even really like ‘em. I was here tryin’ to hype up getting griddled noodles together, because they are the obviously superior festival, like…savory, meal-like food. I haven’t even bugged you guys into going to any other noodle places other than the ramen shop, so be thankful I’m apparently only trying for it every few months.”

Though…it had been a while since they’d gone to the ramen shop. Having a kid would do that--warp your sense of time. And. Like. Make it so before you knew it, you hadn’t done something you casually liked in ages.

“I wouldn’t mind trying different noodles,” Shuichi said lightly, picking more skin and meat off the fish, looking at it idly, and popping it into his mouth, “I mean… I can’t imagine how different it could be, but I’m open to being surprised.”

“Mmm… Chako had me help her make this one noodle dish for dinner once.” Kaito said, still chewing slightly on the stick, having devoured the meat almost immediately. “There was, um… she had me smash a bunch of walnuts. Like, just… so many walnuts. Did it in exchange for helping me decipher one of the pastry recipes in my Luminary cookbook. Tasted alright. The noodles I mean. Strangely sweet.”

“Oh… I think I remember that dinner.” Shuichi said, “Really sticky noodles.”

“Mmm,” Kokichi hummed with a nod. “Yanno, I always get so surprised when we have meals with a lot of nuts at home, since nut allergies are so common, yanno? But I guess there’s always, like, two main dishes, or enough side dishes that are close enough to main dishes, that people can navigate their food sensitivities. I guess I could say the same thing about dairy products…though I’ve always heard about lactose intolerant folks not caring and going for it anyway. Harder to do when you have an allergy that causes anaphylaxis.”

“...we really lucked out with you guys not having food allergies, huh. I mean…supposedly your medical files were up to date but…” Kokichi shrugged, unimpressed. 

“Actually, lactose intolerance is really common in Luminary.” Kaito admitted, shrugging. “And, yeah… it doesn’t really stop anyone. It mostly just makes people gassy. Getting ice cream is not a normal date spot back home.”

“I’m convinced that I might be a little allergic to peaches.” Maki mused.

Shuchi snorted, “Maki, not liking the texture of something doesn’t make you allergic. The healer checked it, remember? All clear.”

“I’m convinced he lied too.” Maki pouted. “Peaches shouldn’t feel like that.”

“If he was lying, what was he gonna accomplish?” Kaito chuckled, relaxing a little, spitting out a piece of the wood he had accidently bit clean off, “Someone gonna assassinate you by burying you under a pile of peaches?”

“That’d be pretty tricky.” Maki admitted, “Not undoable. But tricky.”

“They are called stone fruit. There has to be something there, if only in irony,” Kokichi mused, chuckling softly. “A shame if you don’t like ‘em, though. There was this…peach-raspberry-almond tart I had once… I don’t even remember, I think it was something someone had me try for Hanami. I’m still chasing that dessert high. It was incredible.”

“My greedy ‘Kichi. No pastry will ever be enough.” Kaito sighed, resting his eyes, playing with the stick by poking it into his palms now. “Hey Maki. If you had to assassinate all of us? How would you do it?”

“Probably poison Kokichi with a peach-raspberry-almond tart.” Maki said, cleaning her teeth with her own stick now. “I probably wouldn’t even have to be that sneaky about it. He’d find out it was poison and just decide to risk it. He weighs nothing too, so it wouldn’t take a strong dose.” 

“True,” Kokichi nodded sagely, resting a hand on Kaito’s shoulder as he nibbled at the remainder of his fish. “As long as it wasn’t something that would overpower the pastry? It’d be worth it. Hell, just use cyanide and it’d probably enhance the flavor. I’d fall for it hook, line, and sinker.”

Shrugging a little, Kokichi leaned forward to place a kiss on Kaito’s head, finding a spot he wouldn’t flatten his hair. “I’m easy for sweets, what can I say?”

Kaito looked up at Kokichi, his features significantly calmer and adoring, if still very tired. He placed a kiss against Kokichi’s leg in appreciation for his own kiss, before returning to playing with his stick, poking his palm and arm in small patterns.

“Cyanide is actually pretty bitter.” Shuichi said, his nose wrinkling slightly in distaste, still slowly working through his own snack, “If you wanted to harm with a good tasting poison, and were willing to wait the long game, the answer is a steady diet of lead. Lead tastes sweet, and lead poisoning symptoms would seem like countless common illnesses.”

“That’s a very long game.” Maki said, shaking her head, “And anyone in the position to do so? Is very likely ignoring better solutions or, worse, abusing the person eating the lead. Keeping them sick and dependent for their own purposes. Shuchi and I looked into that for Kokichi when we returned from our mission.”

“Congratulations, Kokichi. No lead poisoning.” Shuichi told him.

Kokichi gave Shuuichi a slightly surprised look, though he trusted his boyfriend whole-heartedly to know better. He’d always heard that cyanide tasted like almonds--he vaguely remembered some mystery novel where they caught the killer because she had been claiming to be putting almond extract in her boss’ coffee the whole time. But, he supposed, there was a bitter element to almonds, so maybe that’s what people were talking about, rather than the sweetness or nuttiness. 

Lead poisoning, though… Kokichi shook his head with a sigh. “Long enough that lead paints were a thing for, like, decades before people started noticing they were being poisoned. Kinda scary to think about, really.”

Not just the ‘being poisoned’ part, but that…things that seemed completely mundane and normal to do could be discovered in a few decades to be the cause or illnesses or deaths. 

But the ‘being poisoned’ part was kinda scary too. 

Again, Kokichi gave his friends a slightly surprised look, feeling…quite touched, actually, that they’d look into something like that. It fit their personalities and fears well, he completely understood that they would’ve done it, but…

…they were looking into if he was being poisoned and exploited. Aw. 

“Aw,” he voiced. “I knew you guys liked me.”

“When did you find the time do all this?” Kaito chuckled, opening his eyes to peek over at them, magenta eyes light in the sunlight, “I feel like I learn some new thing you all checked on or tested or researched that first month all the time.”

“I’m not surprised you didn’t notice.” Shuichi said, adjusting his hat, “I don’t know if you both recall, but you two were glued to the hip those first couple of months. Sneaking things past you wasn’t exactly a trial.”

“Have you seen my ‘Kichi?” Kaito huffed, resting his eyes again. “Course I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Ethereal… how would you kill me, Maki?”

“Tell you to kill youself or I’d kill Shuichi and Kokichi.” Maki said immediately. “Wait.”

“...ouch.” Kaito said. 

Kokichi nodded. They had barely wanted to take their eyes off each other for more than a second, back at the beginning. Let alone be in different rooms…meaning their bedroom. After Maki and Shuuichi got back…everything was new and uncertain. And…Maki and Shuuichi were just kind of…left to figure out this entirely new stage of their lives. 

Not given the support they needed in the slightest…

Kokichi grimaced. “I’ll second that ouch. That’s a really horrible way.”

“If it’s any consolation, it’s not something that would work on most.” Maki said, staring up at the clouds drifting lazily by with heavy eyes, mind far away, “And it says a lot, about the people it does work on. It can be hard to guess, who has that much love in them. That strong sense of duty. Mr. Nidai could always tell. He has a gift for telling peoples characters. Understanding their passions… he understands people better than I do. It’s something I’ve always envied about him.”

“Miss Kirigiri always felt like she had a better grip on people than I do, too.” Shuchi admitted, “Maybe it’s just her confidence. She’s not a ‘people’ person, but she always seems to know exactly who she’s talking too… what about me?” He asked. “How would you kill me?”

“And get away with it?” Maki asked.

“Yeah.”

“...I’m not sure I could.” Maki admitted, “When I was ordered to kill you, I didn’t just stab you because I wanted to get caught, though that definitely played into how quickly I tried when I saw you. Who knows me better than you? More familiar with assassins? You’re intimately familiar with all of my tricks, my styles, me tells… beyond simply overpowering you? And even then, if you knew I was coming? I taught you how to fight. I didn’t teach you to lose. With that electric baton of yours, you wouldn’t be helpless to my attacks. I just caught you off guard in the barn. It’d be extremely difficult for me to successfully assassinate you.” 

“My Shuichi is a beast.” Kaito murmured sleepily.

“...damn right.” Shuichi smirked softly, looking a little embarrassed.

It could be something that came from age and experience, too. Maki and Shuuichi were comparing themselves to people they were already respecting as authorities, and adding their competence to the initial childhood reaction of seeing your guardians as invincible or omnipotent, that could paint Nekomaru and Kyouko as unflappable figures, on top of being children learning the trade comparing themselves to people who were at the top of their fields for years that required being able to judge people quickly. 

Kokichi had a feeling Maki and Shuuichi would get there too. Even if they no longer had to. 

Giving Shuuichi a fond look, Kokichi rubbed Kaito’s shoulder a bit, hearing the sleepy tone in his voice. “...are you done for the day, hun? We can just head home after this.”

Kokichi would probably check in on Miss Crystal while the others walked back but…Dr. Mariah just said she recommended him having a session today. It would still be okay tomorrow, and while Kokichi agreed that you shouldn’t leave tensions high…Kaito just seemed too drained to do any more.

“Mm?” Kaito hmmed, looking up at Kokichi with open confusion, “Were we going somewhere else?”

“Miss Crystal.” Shuichi reminded him.

“Pff.” Kaito shook his head, resting his head on Kokichi’s leg again, “Not a chance. Do you guys want me to actually lose my mind? Ya know what my least favorite feeling is? When the roots of my fair feel on fire. Guess what’s happening to my roots?”

“Fire?” Maki asked.

“Watch. I’m gonna end up going bald. Do you all want a bald Kaito? This is how you get a bald Kaito.”

That’s what he thought. 

“I wouldn’t mind a bald Kai-chan,” Kokichi hummed, bending down to give Kaito’s head another kiss. “But I’d rather you not get, like, hyper double-down stressed out. Let’s just head home then, yeah? But I will go see Miss Crystal and set you up with an appointment soon. It sucks talking about all…” Kokichi sighed and gestured out to the everything-ness of the situation. 

“But…it’s better to talk it out than to have it bouncing around your head.”

“Yeah, well… I’m tired.” Kaito grumbled. “I don’t want to talk about myself anymore.”

“What about tomorrow then, Kaito?” Shuichi asked.

Kaito grumbled something indistinguishable. It might have been an affirmation. It might have been a ‘go fuck yourself’. It was 50/50 either way.

If Kaito had to express himself right now, why he was acting the way he was and what he was hoping to accomplish… well, he wouldn’t be able too. Head empty. No thoughts. Beyond maybe how much almonds were in certain types of noodles. The answer was a lot. A lot of walnuts. He should tell Miyako about all the walnuts. Timothy’s birthday was in a few days. None of his friends were here. That was alright… they had celebrated Tim’s birthday early specifically to not let hm have a bad birthday this year, since it was gonna be so hard to prioritize him with the baby around…

…Kaito still wanted to do something nice for him the day of.

Kokichi’s birthday was coming up.

…Kaito had no idea what to do for either of their birthdays.

…nnnngh… god, he was useless at everything… hero. Ha.

“I wanna go freaking hold my baby.” Kaito grumbled, standing up, running his hand over his face, “Anyone who wants to talk more is welcome to it. I’m done.”

…Kaito was incredible. Just…maybe not in the way he’d always dreamed. 

Kokichi stood up as well and put a hand on Kaito’s back, looking at him sympathetically. “Alright. We’re done. …I love you a lot, Kai-chan. And I’m really proud of you.”

Looking back to the others, Kokichi tilted his head. “You guys go on--I’ll go see Miss Crystal.” He’d probably say something to her about the possibility of getting Kaito medication, too. More just warning her that it might be a discussion to have with Kaito again, rather than actually having that discussion--he did want to talk to Kaito first about it. 

…there was something profoundly disappointing about not being the person you wanted to be when you were growing up. Sometimes it was something to laugh and coo over, some wild idea that was very much relegated to childhood fantasy. And…Kokichi knew he couldn’t relate, as he was pretty much in the position he’d always thought he’d be, just with the addition of a wonderful family too, but…sometimes you fell short in a way that really felt like falling short. Like you had failed yourself, even if you were just…different. Not lesser, but different. 

Kokichi just hoped Kaito could be proud of this difference one day. Despite being adults, they were far from ‘grown up’. 

Kaito gave Kokichi a surprised, wary look… before rubbing the back of his neck, staring uncertainly at his feet. “...yeah, alright.”

“I’ll go with you, Kokichi.” Shuichi said, standing up.

“Annnnd I’ll go with Kaito.” Maki said, swinging up as well. “Kaito might not want to talk, so it seems my chatty nature will have to fill in the silence.”

“Uh huh.” Kaito said dryly, raising an eyebrow at her, even more surprised when she snaked her arms around one of his, it looking like he was leading her as she pushed him forward. Looking back to his partners, he said, “Don’t be too long.” 

“We won’t,” Kokichi said with a small smile, offering his hand to Shuuichi as he waved to the others. “I’m eager to see how Miya-Miya behaved herself with Gramps. She’s usually sweet with him, but she’s been a little more fussy lately.” Greater awareness would do that, he supposed. 

Starting to lead the way to her office--she might be out peddling pebbles again, but it was the first place he could think to look--Kokichi gave Shuuichi a considering look. “...how was therapy for you? Don’t think you got as fried as Kai-chan, but it was still pretty emotional.”

“That session was a mess.” Shuichi sighed, squeezing Kokichi’s hand, “I felt a little bad through that. Focusing on one person for an hour and a half is… too much. It felt like we were just bullying, for a second there.”

“And, at the same time?” Shuichi mused, sighing. “...I kept having to hold myself back from arguing with him. Like, really arguing with him. I know that was a low blow, at the end there, but… I was starting to get frustrated. I felt like that argument could have gone on another half hour, easily. That whole thing was just… frustrating and exhausting. I’m not sure why Dr. Mariah let the conversation go that way.”

Kokichi nodded sadly. He had even told Kaito he’d probably get heated, at the end there, but…well, he did. And it did feel like brow-beating as Kaito lost steam and just…couldn’t talk anymore. 

But…he didn’t think it was.

“...I couldn’t tell you if it was the best way. But…I think it’s the most it’s ever gotten through to Kai-chan,” Kokichi sighed. “When it was just the two of us, it’d always just…tumble into us just not being able to see the other side, and giving up under the guise that we’re just too different, or fundamentally believe different things. This time…I dunno. It did feel like we were communicating more.”

“...what do you think, Shuu-chan?” Kokichi looked up at his boyfriend, an open, honest expression on his face. They probably did need to shelve all intense conversations like this for the day, but…Kokichi felt like he had a little left in him, and he got the feeling Shuuichi was the same. 

“You said you didn’t agree with…the moral obligations and justice system in Luminary, but that doesn’t mean you necessarily agree with Dicea’s. What do you believe?”

“...” Shuchi adjusted the brim of his cap, hiding himself from the sun a bit. “I’m fine leaving the justice system in other people's hands, if it means I don’t have to deal with it myself. If I’m not willing to handle it myself, then I can’t really say what I think should happen.”

“Besides, I’m not a vengeful person by nature.” Shuichi shrugged, “I can get angry in the moment, but once that moments passed? So usually does my willingness to deal with any of that. My anger isn’t a permanent thing, it doesn’t haunt me. I have a much easier time letting go than Maki or Kaito.”

“And, without that personal investment? I can also say that… I don’t know if I believe there’s a system possible where innocent people don’t get hurt.” Shuichi admitted, “But there are systems where innocent people don’t get hurt by people claiming to be trying to help. Which is what Dicea has. And I think, with all other things being equal, intention counts for something.”

“I feel like talking to us forces you to take hard stances on things.” Shuichi realized, as they came close to Miss Crystals office building. “I’m not someone you have to convince of anything. How do you feel about it all?”

Kokichi shrugged a bit--there was wisdom in just leaving things be that you didn’t have an expertise in, or didn’t have a hand in affecting, though…even still, people tended to have some sort of opinion. Not wanting to deal with it was an opinion too, though. 

But at Shuuichi’s realization, Kokichi could only huff a laugh. “I’m kind of in a difficult position with that sort of thing, you know? Not even factoring you guys into the equation. As an heir and eventual leader… I have to be willing to listen, to be impartial, at least when it comes to considering different ideas. But I have to be resolute enough to, first, be able to act on things, and then to stand behind those decisions. I have to genuinely believe in the things that will best help people…but not be so obstinate that I won’t listen if a better option comes up.”

“I think I just am the kind of person to feel things strongly, though,” he hummed. “I really believe that our system is fair to people. Maybe not the kindest, and it’s certainly not perfect, but…”

Kokichi shook his head a little. “I think I just don’t…emotionally understand vengeance at all. When something unimaginably horrible happens…I just don’t care about the person that caused it. I care about the people who were hurt. Enough that it overwhelms me, sometimes… ‘Course I get mad at people, but…that anger leaves quickly. And if that person isn’t in a position to hurt more people? Then they aren’t my problem anymore. At least personally.”

Shuichi nodded. “I think my biggest frustration with Kaito’s inability to accept it is that… it’s not a theory. Dicea works. We see evidence that it works all the time. We literally live among it. Kaito is literally the poser child of it working. Sure, it’s taken him a long time to get over the idea that he should be punished for his own crimes more, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s dramatically improved since the incidents in question, and that, yeah… we’d all be considerably more hurt, if you had killed him. Or sent him to isolation. Or banished him, or… well, you actually probably could have just made him pay the fine, Kaito was looking for a reason to work back then anyway. Could have humbled him.”

“...though, if he did ever do it again, I also wouldn’t blink twice if Maki cut off a finger.” Shuichi admitted, “My feelings aren’t strongly against either way of dealing with it. I wanted to destroy Kaito, when I heard about what he did to you. But I’d rather he have improved and stayed around. Maybe just with a few less fingers or toes, but still with all the other benefits. And if I had to pick one over the other? I’d pick improved Kaito over nine-fingered Kaito.”

When they walked into the building, a young man with bottleneck glasses wearing a stone tiara covered in gems looked up from the receptionist desk, peered at the two of them, and then shouted, “MISS CRYSTAL! PRINCE KOKICHI AND SHUICHI SAIHARA ARE HERE!”

“ONE MOOOOMEEEEEENT!” Shouted a voice from the other room.

“Miss Crystal will be with you one moment.” the man said, before scribbling furiously at his paperwork again.

…yeah. Kokichi had a hunch that Kaito’s stubbornness had to do with his ideas of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ on a large level too--if Dicea’s way worked, why didn’t Luminary do it? If something was a good idea, and it wasn’t implemented, then it must not be a good idea, because people would’ve already done it. And then add all that to his personal feelings, especially his own guilt over wrong-doings and… It wouldn’t be satisfying, personally to him, so…it wasn’t a good system. 

And even that was probably a massive oversimplification of it all. 

Sighing, Kokichi ran his free hand through his hair. “...I didn’t think the money was that much of a big deal, honestly. The fine wasn’t…yanno, anything that would put someone into debt. But we hadn’t even begun to talk about budgeting then, and he was dealing with the whole…being drugged thing, even if I didn’t realize it at the time…”

“...I’d rather have him around too.”

Startling slightly at the shouted conversation between, he assumed, the receptionist and Miss Crystal, Kokichi let out a breath before nodding to the presumed receptionist. “Thank you.”

Shuichi and Kokichi sat in the waiting room for one moment, not long, maybe five minutes, when finally Miss Crystal opened the door, peeking out with a wide smile. “Sorry about that! I had to clear out some smoke, a bit of incense, Kokichi let me know if your throat ends up feeling itchy, we can head back out. Should be okay though, Oh-Ho-ho-ho-ho, goodness knows with the Ouma household we never use my office anyway.”

This was accurate. Kaito had never, not once, ever seen Miss Crystal’s actual office, having been meeting in the castle first, then at the market diners afterwards. Miss Crystal's office was… maybe unsurprising, considering who she was. It was filled with brightly colored decorations, chimes, and an assortment of items that might have been decoration, or might have had some sort of practical use that wasn’t obvious. Large bowls with stange, translucent sticks, crystal bells, and rocks, all sorts, hanging from thin, rough rope threads from the ceiling. 

There was also a lot of academic evidence in the room, one wall lined with book shelves, some books pushed low and to the side looking pristine but unused, the rest looking ragged, well thumbed through, and many of them using near incomprehensible terms and titles specifically suited for those in the psychological field. A strange mixture of academia and mysticism, all touched by a strong scent of incense, cleared out by a large, open window.

Beaming at them, Miss Crystal indicated to a warm, well used sofa and said, “Please, sit! Sit! Where’s my Kaito? Is he not with you?” She asked, looking over their shoulder like the six foot red head simply wasn’t immediately obvious.

It was a pretty simple thing to do, but even still Kokichi found himself feeling touched. Kokichi had found that some incense was pretty nice-smelling, but he hadn’t had too many opportunities to explore much--his lungs and smoke did not mix, and…Miss Crystal recognized that and cleared out the room for him. It was very kind. 

Trying not to gape as they walked into her office, Kokichi still couldn’t completely keep his gaze from drifting around in interest, taking in all the odd objects and tons of books. It all was very Miss Crystal, and yet Kokichi found himself intrigued and amazed anyway. But as Miss Crystal invited them to sit, Kokichi refocused on the matter at hand. 

“Ah, he’s not,” Kokichi shook his head. “Kai-chan was feelin’ a bit tired so he headed back home with Maki-chan. But at least one of us needed to stop by, so here Shuu-chan and I are.”

Getting right to the point (after pleasantries), Kokichi continued, “We just came from our group therapy session and…it was really intense. We had to leave some stuff unresolved ‘cause we just didn’t have the energy to keep at it, so Dr. Mariah recommended that Kai-chan have a session sooner than his regular with you. So…would you have a free slot in the next few days to fit him in?”

“Oh?” Miss Crystal said, frowning a bit… before shouting, “ANDREN! ANDREN, I NEED AN OPEN SESSION FOR KAITO TOMORROW!”

“GIVE ME A MINUTE!”

“Just give him a minute.” Miss Crystal laughed lightly, sitting on her chair before tutting a bit, running her hand through her braid as she said, “Okay, so… Dr. Mariah recommended I speak to him about what you all discussed today? That’s not good. Not to be crass, but I feel like I need to ask plainly: is Kaito, today, showing signs of suicidal ideation or expressing any violent tendencies towards anyone else? Please be clear, he won’t be in trouble, I just would go see him now rather than later.”

Kokichi startled again at the sudden yelling, but…well, it was charming in a way. He was just thankful his ears weren’t particularly sensitive or anything today. 

Nodding to confirm the situation, Kokichi’s eyes widened a little in concern, even if he knew exactly how and why those things were brought up. But…thankfully, he was able to shake his head, though that worried hue in his eyes never went away. “Not today, no. And…really, he seems too drained to do any more today. He, uh…”

This was Kaito’s therapist, so Kokichi wasn’t exactly concerned about saying too much, but…it was a little worrying. Rubbing the back of his neck, Kokichi continued, “He went kinda non-verbal by the end. Just…done. And…he mostly seems alright. I agree that he should probably discuss everything with you, ‘cause…it’s hard. But I don’t see anything in his behavior that would suggest he’s in danger, no.”

“...anything you noticed, Shuu-chan?” He turned to his partner. “You are more observant than I am.”

Miss Crystal poked the inside of her cheek with her tongue, nodding along. Right, right… Kaito did tend to clam up the more overwhelmed he was. Still, entirely non-verbal? Okay, not ideal… she looked to Shuichi.

“...he’s gotten really open with his feelings, and it all sort of came out at once today?” Shuichi said, “He didn’t seem suicidal to me… is Kaito suicidal?”

Miss Crystal paused, “...that’s a difficult question to answer. It’s something I wouldn’t want to discuss without Kaito present. I can assure you that if I believed it was an immediate concern, I wouldn’t keep the info from you and I wouldn’t allow Kaito to be alone right now.” 

“As for violence towards others, which I’m sure you’re both familiar with, Kaito and I have an agreement that the next time he feels a truly violent impulse that he means to go through on, that he’ll turn himself into the guardforce and have them come to retrieve me. I trust he’ll follow on his word, he swore it every way you can imagine, and you know how much those oaths mean to him… so if you didn’t see signs of it,  and I haven't been called? Then I trust he’s not a danger to anyone else.”

“WE CAN PUT HIM IN AT ONE!”

“How does a one o’clock session tomorrow sound?” Miss Crystal asked sweetly.

…Shuuichi didn’t know? Sure, Kokichi only noticed because of the similarities, and that was a complete fluke since everyone’s experience was different…and they hadn’t talked about it as a group, so he couldn’t expect Shuuichi to know, but… He did still kind of expect it. 

But for as well as Shuuichi knew his friends…there was a certain tendency to overlook things since he was so comfortable that he knew them. 

Gently, Kokichi touched, Shuuichi’s wrist, promising to talk later. Ideally with Kaito, but…they’d see. 

The most important thing was that Kaito wasn’t a danger to himself or others right now. He was just…sad and tired. 

Again, Kokichi’s eyes widened at the reveal of the deal. That was definitely a duty of the guardforce--if people were feeling like they’d become a danger, they could safely go to a guard or the office for help, either being calmed down by a guard, or knowing that they wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone, including themselves, until a guard got someone who could help more. Kaito willingly agreeing to do something like that, though…

…Kokichi was really proud.

Smiling slightly, Kokichi gave a nod. “One should work. Don’t think he’ll be thrilled, but…the timing should work out. Thank you for opening up your schedule.”

“Of course, of course… well, if there’s no immediate danger, and we’re all scheduled up, then don’t let me keep you–”

“How come Kaito isn’t on antidepressants?” Shuichi asked, something accusing in her tone, “If Kaito’s suicidal and you know about it already–”

“I did not say he was suicidal. I asked if he was expressing suicidal ideation today, and I know that sounds the same, but there’s some serious differences to the two ideas.” Miss Crystal interrupted, “If Kaito was suicidal, I would have taken greater action by now.”

“Fine, whatever. He’s still obviously depressed. Why is all you’re doing for him is giving him rock polish and telling him to ‘feel his feelings’?” Shuichi scowled, narrowing his eyes at her, “Kaito’s never been depressed before he started seeing you, maybe you’re not handling him well.”

“Shuu-chan,” Kokichi softly stressed, giving his boyfriend a slightly pleading look before he sighed, looking at Miss Crystal. “It’s…not news to anyone here that Kai-chan’s struggling. We’re going to talk to him about maybe getting medication, so that’s something he might bring up in the future, but-” he stressed again, giving Shuuichi a Look, “We’re going to talk to him about it first. Because Kai-chan can make decisions about his health, and what roads he wants to take.”

Crossing his arms, Kokichi sighed again. “It’s a fair question to ask, if a therapist is working for you, but, again, that’s a decision for Kai-chan to make. If it feels like your sessions are stagnating, or you think there’s a possibility elsewhere, with different methods, that might work better, then that’s also a conversation Kai-chan can have with Miss Crystal.”

“We can be aware and receptive to our partner’s moods. We can look out for warning signs that he’s being exploited. We can bring up new ideas, probably that we’re exploring in our own sessions, for him to think about and discuss.” Kokichi opened his eyes, looking at Shuuichi with a none-too-pleased expression. “But we’re not therapists, and we’re not psychiatrists. And we’re not Kai-chan. We don’t know what he’s been feeling and going through unless he tells us. And if Miss Crystal hasn’t talked to him about meds yet, then I trust there’s a legitimate reason for that, and not just to keep him on as a patient.”

Turning that same gaze to Miss Crystal, Kokichi nodded once. “Correct?” In a way, his gaze was almost daring her to try lying about this. 

Kokichi believed that Miss Crystal was well-meaning, and he was very proud of Kaito’s growth since he’d started seeing her. But his husband had been taken advantage of by too many people in the past, and he would not allow it again.

Miss Crystal put her hands together, tapping her forefingers together…

“... Kaito and I have discussed medication.” She said carefully. “I’m happy to explain to you what’s been going on with it, but not without him present. And if he doesn’t wish to share this information with you, then there’s very few situations in which I would do so. But I can assure you, the situations in which I would, and I will, is if Kaito or anyone else was in any danger. Talk to Kaito, and if he’s open to it, we can discuss this tomorrow as a group.”

Shuichi bit his lip, narrowing his eyes at her harder… what were the odds he could find her patient files… not great with Kokichi there, but maybe not impossible…

Kokichi nodded once, his intensity fading. Honestly, it was even more than he had been expecting, that they had talked about it, but…Miss Crystal’s point was the one he was making too. Yes, they were Kaito’s friends and partners, and they should know what was going on with him. But any knowledge they got had to be with Kaito’s consent. And he didn’t have to tell them everything, especially when it came to his personal therapy sessions. There was plenty Kokichi didn’t share about his own, and it was just…it wasn’t their business. 

Practically feeling Shuuichi differing greatly from that sentiment, feeling the scheming vibes coming off him, Kokichi gave his boyfriend another sharp look. “Shuu-chan. If Kai-chan doesn’t want us to know, it isn’t our business. And trying to make it our business without him is incredibly disrespectful to him, and a complete betrayal of trust. We’ll ask him about it. Then it’s his choice to tell us.”

Shuichi huffed a bit at the look, frustrated. How were they supposed to know what was best for Kaito if they didn’t have all the info… it’s not like Kaito knew what was best for himself. He needed Shuichi to know.

…why hadn’t he told them about this already?

Worrying his hat a little, Shuichi cooled his expression, “Of course… we’ll talk to him about it, and be back tomorrow. Thank you for seeing us on short notice, Miss Crystal.”

Miss Crystal gave the man a sympathetic smile. “Of course. And if anything changes, please let me know immediately, I’m always available.”

Shuichi and Kokichi headed out, and they did so, Shuichi took a breath of the warm, summer air… “Did he refuse medication? Is that what’s happened?” He asked, looking over his shoulder, back at the building, clearly suspicious, “Why wouldn’t he tell us? Kaito thinks he’s invincible, she can’t just let him refuse medication.”

…hm. This right here may be another thing to talk about. 

Kokichi bade Miss Crystal a farewell, thanking her in turn, but as they got outside, Kokichi could only sigh at Shuuichi’s pointed questions. “Navigating mental health is difficult, you know that. It’s something intensely personal. There are a lot of reasons they could’ve talked about medication, and Kai-chan to not be on any right now--and we’ll find out what the actual reason is once we ask him. There’s no point speculating until we have real evidence.”

“...and he can refuse meds,” he said more softly, brushing his hand along the side of Shuuichi’s. “Again…there are a lot of reasons why he might. For me, I jumped at the chance to try out taking antidepressants when Dr. Egami brought the subject out, because I have suicidal episodes that make me a danger to myself. And, also…I was just so tired all the time. For me, what I wanted for myself, the benefits of antidepressants far outweigh the side-effects, and with my history, I know I won’t have an issue remembering to take it. I’m also in constant contact with healers, so if anything starts going wrong, chances are we’ll notice right away.”

“...that’s my story. Kai-chan is an entirely different person with different needs and different hopes. He needs to be the one plotting the course of his health.”

Again, Kokichi sighed. “...I know he thinks he’s invincible, when it comes to health stuff. And that does give us reason to be concerned that Kai-chan’s not getting the help he needs. But for how stubborn he can be…he’s not stupid. And Miss Crystal is invested in his health and well-being. Maybe they’ve been doing research for something. Maybe Kai-chan wants to wait until Miya’s a little older and more stable before trying out something that can have really wild side-effects. Maybe there are other reasons. But we have to talk to him to find out.”

“...and if he is just being stubborn about it for stubbornness’s sake?” Kokichi looked up at Shuuichi. “Then we can talk more. See if we can convince him to give it a shot, because…I personally think he’d benefit from some sort of antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. But we have to hear him out first.”

Shuichi sighed, his shoulders tensing as he breathed in… but relaxing as he breathed out.

“...I don’t think Kaito’s stupid.” Shuichi said softly, adjusting his hat a bit before taking Kokichi’s hand. Squeezing it tight as he said, “But Kaito can sometimes do stupid things. He’s… reckless. That’s the word. And I… I haven't always looked out for him like I should have. I’m his best friend and a royal detective, and I didn’t know half of what was going on with him in Luminary… I didn’t know because he didn’t tell me. And he couldn’t tell me because… he couldn’t or he didn’t know… it doesn’t matter. My job is to uncover secrets. He shouldn’t have had to tell me. I should have known.”

Shuichi recalled Nao saying that Shuichi didn’t deserve his friends protection or love because of how devastatingly he had failed them. Had failed Kaito. As time went on, a lot of things she said showed to have more and more holes in them, felt less and less biting… but that one still held true. It hurt Shuichi to think about it. Kaito’s best friend was the royal detective. He shouldn’t have had any secrets, and no one should have been able to keep a secret about him. Shuichi should have ensured it.

…but Kaito had seemed a little invincible, then. 

Less so, now.

“No, you shouldn’t.”

It was maybe cruel. But…Kokichi had promised to stop keeping things to himself. And if he ended up getting into another spat with a loved one today…well. Then it was that kind of day. 

“You were a detective, and you’re naturally nosy, so that does blur things a bit, but…you’re Kai-chan’s friend first. His boyfriend first. And it’s because you do care about him that he’s not your job. You guys have boundaries.”

Kokichi sighed. “...I know sometimes that’s not a good thing. That…especially with the stuff that happened with him in Luminary, it could be dangerous and hurtful, and…probably someone knowing would’ve been a lifeline for him.” Or it could’ve sent him into a dangerous spiral, and while a person didn’t have to do anything to be helpful in knowing someone’s pain…Shuuichi wouldn’t have been able to change much, not without putting himself at great risk. But…still. It probably would’ve been better if Shuuichi had known.

“...but as we’re all growing here? Kai-chan should be able to keep secrets from us. He should be able to choose what people know about him. As his partners, and my beliefs about what that means, I also believe that he should be telling us the vast majority of things, but…it’s his choice. As well as his choice about when he tells us, and how. He has the right to control the narrative about his own life, when it comes to the intimate details. Taking that away from him…”

Kokichi rolled his eyes a little at himself. “...I’ll admit it’s a logical extreme, but…if people are always going around his back to find out his private matters, then…why bother to ever say anything at all? That demonstrates that they don’t really care about him, just his information, not caring to find out his personal takes or feelings, and if they’re not going to ask, and just take, then…it just saves himself the energy and emotional vulnerability, and trust to not tell them anything.”

“...it sucks because of what it led to,” Kokichi quietly said, giving Shuuichi a softer look. “But…you never failed Kai-chan, because you couldn’t stop Tengan or his brother or…anyone else. Those are as much your fault as they are Kai-chan’s--which is that it’s not. You’ve been someone he can rely on, and confide in, and that’s incredible--you haven’t failed. But we have to trust in him to tell us when something’s wrong. Or even if he’s just thinking about something. We can’t live his life for him.”

Shuichi looked down at Kokichi, his eyes cold and distant… before they softened all at once. Sighing as he pushed his hair out of his face– which, of course, immediately fell back into his face– as he laughed lightly. “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could though… I don’t want to protect a country or lead or be a hero… I just wish I could protect us. I wish I could protect us from our own bad decisions…”

Shuichi rolled his golden eyes, clearly at himself, “It’s never worked out or any of us when we try, but wow if the idea isn’t still tempting anyway…”

Letting out a breath, he said, “Well. Let’s go ask our boyfriend then.”

-

“Annnd we kick, kick, kick… that’s right. Little wheels in the air. You’re doing great.” Kaito encouraged Miyako, gently taking her ankles and spinning the little baby’s legs in the air as Miyako peered curiously up at him, “You’re getting fat little baby thighs, but ya know what the secret is, Miya? The weight is the first part of getting strong. You can’t build muscle without calories. Healthy calories, preferably, but calories regardless. Getting fat little baby thighs is a sign you’re going to grow up big and strong and ready to kick all sorts of butt. So you be proud of your big fat baby thighs, and your big fat baby arms, and your big fat baby butt… what? Don’t look so surprised, young lady. You have a big fat baby butt, I just told you, it’s a good thing. Just like dada…”

Kaito kissed at the bottom of Miyako’s feet… before looking over his shoulder. “Are you really just going to sit there and watch me?”

“I’m not watching you.” Maki said, cleaning one of her blades by the window, openly watching him, “I’m spending time with my niece.”

“I don’t need a babysitter.”

“And I don’t babysit.”

“You’d babysit the world, if you could.”

“You remember when I broke into the harem-prayer room in the temple?” Maki asked, as Kaito sighed, returning to fussing over his baby. “How old were we…13-14? 14-15? I can’t remember which event triggered this one… Shuichi or Togami or–”

“12/13.” Kaito muttered, “I know which one you’re talking about. The first time you dragged me out.”

“What started that one?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Do you really not?”

“...I got accused of lying by Tengan about something. I tried to prove I didn’t lie about it and my proof got used against me to prove I was lying. I literally can’t remember what it was I was supposed to have been lying about, I just remember how embarrassed and furious I was.” Kaito said, giving Miyako’s legs a rest as she started looking around the area for something to put in her mouth, reaching over to grab her pacifier, “I went to the temple for a few days, Shuichi said he was worried about me, and you decided the answer was to drag me out of the temple.”

“In my head, the problem was the temple itself.” Maki said, shaking her head at herself, “If you didn’t have it as a pacifier, you’d just get over it and move on without all the dramatics. Even when it didn’t work, it took me a couple more attempts to let that idea go. I really thought I could just… brute force you into feeling better.”

“Yeah, well, I think we all feel that way sometimes… why?” Kaito asked, “What about it?”

“You looked today the same way you did when I was pulling you out of the temple.” Mak said, “You wouldn’t talk. You just made sounds at me. I dragged you out, we fought. You got me square in the jaw, knocked me on my ass, and by the time my vision stopped spinning you were back inside.”

“...sorry.” Kaito murmured.

“Never apologize to me for a fight we’ve had.” Maki said stiffly, “I’m not your partners, and I’m not a Dicean. Don’t disrespect me.”

“I know, I know, I just… it feels different, looking back at it now. I don’t like that I left ya on the ground afterwards, I had no idea if you were okay or not. I just left anyway. Sorry I didn’t check on you afterwards more than anything, I guess.”

Maki nodded at that, before shrugging. “Looking back, I think the right answer would have been to sit in the harem room with you, rather than dragging you out. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I bring it up. I can’t change how I handled it then. I’m just trying to handle it better now.”

“...thanks.” Kaito said softly… before chuckling, “If I ever knock you out hitting you again, I’ll check on you rather than just leaving.”

“Aww, look at that. Us growing up and maturing. Knew we’d get there.” Maki smirked. 

Kokichi was resigned (happily so, the thought filling him with purposeful determination, rather than feeling overwhelming) to the fact that, as leader, he would never be able to please everyone in the country, and that there would never be no more problems. But…it was more disappointing that the same was true in his personal relationships. Not to the same extent, there were tons of situations that they could all be happy about, and, ideally, there would be stretches where the biggest problem would be Tim or Miya needing to scramble to finish a school project, or Kaito bemoaning the fact that it was a curry night so all his kisses will be spicy. 

But there was no way to ensure that nothing bad would ever happen again, or that they’d always agree on everything. It was something to accept, but…it was disappointing, sometimes. 

“We’re back,” Kokichi softly announced, rapping lightly at the door before he unlocked it, holding it for Shuuichi. He smiled, seeing Kaito dote over Miya, and while Kaito seemed a lot better…he still regretted having to ruin that mood. “Miss Crystal has an opening at one tomorrow.”

Kaito looked up at them, he and Miyako on the floor, Miyako in a little baby pillow that allowed her to sit instead of laying on her back, and his eyes jumped from Shuichi, to Kokichi, to Shuichi again… before looking back down at Miyako. “Oh yeah? That’s good. Thanks guys.”

Shuichi stepped in, giving Kokichi a small, thankful nod, before heading over to Kaito and Miyako, sitting beside Kaito to peer over Miyako. “What are you two doing?”

“Pedaling.” Kaito explained, showing Shuichi as he took Miyako’s legs and started kicking through the air again, “Little exercise, little baby stretching. Ikou said Miyako kept throwing her pacifier and then crying when he didn’t bring it back. Sounds to me like she’s just got extra energy. Trying to burn it off a bit.”

“May I try?”

“Sure, handsome. Scoot in.” Kaito said, shifting over to let Shuichi in prime baby leg positioning.

Maki, in turn, caught Kokichi’s gaze. Raising an eyebrow, wordlessly asking if everything was alright.

Kokichi smiled tiredly back at her, giving a soft nod. There were a lot of conversations they needed to have, but they stopped therapy for a reason. They were all too emotionally tired to keep at it, even at home. So…for now? Things were alright.

Going to sit on the floor by his partners and daughter, though content to watch Shuuichi help their daughter exercise, Kokichi hummed happily. “Really getting to her buff baby status. It’s still insane to me that she can throw things now… Seems like just yesterday she was beginning to move her head around a little.”

For now…they just needed some time to relax and recharge. Be with their kid. Lounge around a bit, talk about idle things. Maybe they’d talk that night. Maybe not til tomorrow. But for now…it was time to rest.

“She’s still so small…” Kaito sighed, reaching over to rub Miyako’s shoulder soothingly with his index finger, as she gave Shuichi a mildly irritated look, clearly not having been ready for Big Heat to suddenly be replaced by Food Smell. She wasn't’ sure if she was happy with it yet…

But she calmed down as Shuichi started playing with her legs and it wasn’t terrible, she supposed. She just liked Big Heats hands. Food Smell tended to hold her ankles with the tips of his fingers. Dainty hands. Miyako wasn’t a fan of dainty hands at the moment. But as he got comfortable, so did his grip. It was okay… she guessed.

“She always looks so upset with me.” Shuichi sighed.

“She gave me the exact same look when I took her from Ikou too.” Kaito grinned, shrugging, “She’s just a judgy little baby.”

“She is all of your child, no mistake.” Maki snorted, relaxing back into the window frame as Kokichi didn’t seem terribly worried or distressed coming back. Kid had a poker face, so if the Miss Crystal visit hadn’t gone well, then Maki could still just not know… but eh. If it wasn’t coming up immediately? Probably could wait then.

Kokichi chuckled softly, watching Miyako’s lack of enthusiasm and ebbed away irritation. “She really is. And the lack of object permanence can’t help with warming up to new things--she’d just gotten used to Dad helping her pedal, now it’s Dada’s turn? Can’t believe you’d do this.”

Getting a glimmer in his eyes, Kokichi gave Shuuichi a wink. “You’re bein’ a good, attentive father when you do, but her face when you do afternoon feedings? Miya-Miya looks positively blissful--mostly I think she’s just impatient when it’s my turn. She enjoys ya plenty.”

“...ya know, it shouldn’t be long before she starts socially smiling. It’s gonna be so hard not to cry when she starts trying to mirror you guys.”

“Yeah, well, no one can get her to sleep like you do.” Shuichi sighed, looking up at Kokichi, “I wish I could get her to fall asleep like that. Every time I hold her, she just gets excited. Like she always expects to be fed when I hold her.”

“You do get her afternoons. She probably just associates you with the most active part of the day.” Kaito said, before pointing at his face and grinning wide, “Hey, Miiiiiiyaaaaaa~ Look at dad! Can you grin like dad!?”

“You mean grin like you’re about to eat someone?” Maki snorted, “You all better hope she picks up Kokichi’s smiles. His are very disarming. She’d be able to take advantage of anyone and everyone, they’d let her get away with anything.”

“Hey! My grin is approachable! People approach me!” Kaito paused, “Historically! My grin is endearing!”

“I think the canine teeth thing is cute.” Shuichi agreed, “Though, Maki’s right. Kokichi’s smile would get people eating out of Miyako’s hands.”

Kokichi was unendingly grateful that he managed to have a relatively easy time lulling Miyako to sleep. He hated having to wake her up super early in the morning--even if time was just barely a concept for her--but she needed to be fed, and she needed to get back to sleep afterward, otherwise she’d get all uncomfortable from being tired later. But…thankfully, he tended to only have to hold her for a little longer after burping her--and usually he was just waiting to see if she’d need a change right after eating--before she’d fall off back to sleep.

(...sometimes they talked, briefly. Miyako expressing something about the temperature or her tummy or being in his arms, and Kokichi would gently remark over it, almost telling her a bedtime story in her head. He always felt so…happy. And at peace. Being able to share something like that with her.)

“I love your smiles, hun,” Kokichi nodded, nudging Kaito’s arm affectionately. “You look so cute and excited… And I don’t think Miya’ll need any help winning hearts out there. She can have her own smile and get the same effect, I bet.”

“She’s gonna be a heartbreaker.” Kaito sighed, giving the poor girl a sympathetic look. “She’ll ruin people’s day just walking through the room, hurting them when her gaze doesn’t even drift over them. It won’t be her fault. Everyone’s just going to be endlessly hoping she’ll offer them her attention, and she’ll be busy living her life, leaving them devastated.”

“You’re joking, but I remember you and Maki used to watch the crowds for each other and report to each other how many stares you would get so you wouldn’t have to look.”

“How else would we know if the outfit landed!?”

“I just wanted to know who was already interested so I didn’t waste my own time.” Maki said indifferently.

“Bullcrud.” Kaito huffed, giving her a raised eyebrow, “Don’t pretend it wasn’t flattering. You were as into it as I was.”

(...there was a petty part of Kokichi that grumbled, “More like so you don’t have to express any sort of emotional vulnerability,” but…he wasn’t even that bothered by it. Maki’s love life wasn’t his business, at least until she wanted to introduce someone to them.)

“You two are really somethin’ else,” Kokichi softly laughed, shaking his head. Though, that put an idea in his head. Looking up with something that could only be described as mischievous curiosity, he gave his friends a sly look. “I dunno if you’ve already been planning something, but…wanna bet on how many capital ‘G’ Glances ya get during…I dunno, the first hour or two we’re out during Zenith?”

“Uh, sure, I’ll take that bet.” Kaito snorted, giving Kokichi a dry look, “Next to you? All decked out in one of Denji’s outfits? I bet we’ll get one or two, ‘God, can you believe you’re here with him?’”

“Serious question. Are we bringing Miyako out into that, or are we going to find a sitter?” Shuichi asked, going to play with Miyako’s arms. “She handled a walk around town and a trip through the castle…”

“I dunno, do you guys want to be the ones bringing a screaming infant to an event?” Maki asked, looking to Kokichi, “Is this the sort of thing you bring infants too?”

Kokichi just grinned back at his husband. Kaito could style himself more than nicely, he knew, though it was too late to ask for one of Denji’s slots, now. People were definitely Looking during Zenith, and Kokichi knew that more than a few people would be looking his friends’ ways, and not just ‘cause they’d be with him. That was the reason he’d limited it to a few hours--trying to count the whole day would be way too much!

Giving Maki and considering, agreeing nod, Kokichi sighed. “She handled a trip through the castle when almost no one was out and about, and she was alright during our walk, but she was pretty upset by those two women coming up--I think we were only a moment or two before a tantrum if they hadn’t left. Miyako’s getting more used to people and other places, but I think a city-wide festival is too big a step for her.”

“What do you guys think?” he asked, turning to Shuuichi and Kaito. “If anything, I think I wanna try holding her by the window in the morning, just to see if the noise at that level is gonna bother her.”

“Mmmm…” Kaito bit his lip, considering, “...two months old at a festival? Hot and busy and loud, with a bunch of distracted adults? Not to mention she’s gonna want to be asleep for most of it? Honestly, guys, even if she could handle it, I think she’d be miserable. Now, a year and two months? I think she’d enjoy a day outside with a bunch of excited people around. But now? I’m gonna vote no on bringing her.”

“Alright… well, that still leaves finding a baby sitter.” Shuichi mused, “Who are our candidates?”

“Mmmm… this is an important holiday to Diceans, right?” Maki asked, looking to Kokichi again, “I could do it. I can watch her, it’s not like the holiday means anything to me.”

“Aw, Maki, I’d want you there… what if I asked Temp what he was planning to do with Addason and we piggy back off that?” Kaito asked.

It did sound like a miserable time for a baby. Kokichi hoped one day to be able to share his favorite holiday with his daughter, but that one day had many years to come to fruition. For now, she’d be happier chilling in her crib and napping for most the day. 

Kokichi gave Maki a soft look, appreciating her offer, but…like Kaito, he wanted her there. She hadn’t gotten to celebrate Hanami with them, and even if the holidays didn’t mean anything to her, it was still a big celebration she could enjoy. 

“I think that sounds like a good idea,” Kokichi gave Kaito a nod. “And, if you guys are alright with it, we could ask Haneda-chan too, even for like, just a little bit.” Shrugging a little, he explained, “She told me once she doesn’t really like the festivals. Too many people. So she usually hangs out here during them, since at least the upper floors of the castle tend to be pretty empty. She might be willing to look after Miya for a bit.”

“There we go. Two possibilities with five seconds of thinking about it.” Kaito grinned, putting his hand on the back of Shuichi’s neck and rubbing it affectionately, kissing his cheek a bit… before giving him a concerned look. “...handsome?”

Shuichi’s mouth scrunched a bit, a vein in his neck twitching, eyes cloudy and distant… before he looked over at Kaito and, grabbing his jaw, pulling him into a kiss. Kaito’s eyes widened in surprise, following the motion partly because of course he would, and partly because Shuichi’s thumb was on the danger spot and pulling back would be ‘ouch’ at best and ‘lights out’ at worst. It was alright though, Kaito was just surprised at the kiss, leaning into it as he adjusted to the sudden intimacy.

Maki rolled her eyes, still idly cleaning her knife, “Is that my cue to leave?”

Kaito, flushed, tried to pull back, and chuckled when Shuichi kept his grip. Putting his hand over Shuchi’s, giving him a few more demanded kisses, Kaito gently squeezed the hand and pulled it off himself. “You…” Kaito grinned, still swooning a little from the kiss, “Are mad at me.”

“I might be.” Shuichi admitted.

Kokichi watched the proceedings with about as much surprise as Kaito initially felt, and while he loved seeing his partners comfortable and intimate with each other… Kissing while upset, huh? A good thing to know, he supposed. 

Sighing softly, Kokichi rolled forward to lie on his stomach, reaching in a hand towards Miya to play with her a little bit, giving her some attention while her other dads were occupied. “...is it about us talking about what to do for Zenith, or other stuff?”

Kokichi had a good feeling it was about Kaito not talking with them about his plans, or lack thereof, for medication. But…like they’d talked about, assuming what someone was upset about or dealing with would cause more problems than solve them. So, Kokichi asked. 

…if it was about Kaito’s plan…he wasn’t sure. They’d really barely had a break from earlier, and while Kaito was in a much better mood…they shouldn’t be keeping him just above that exhausted, sulky baseline. 

But they did have to talk eventually…

Shuichi gave Kokichi a somewhat dry look. “...no. The plans for Zenith are fine…” before looking back to Kaito, who gave him a tired, affectionate look as Shuichi leaned in for another kiss. “...do you want to go pray?” He asked quietly, cupping Kaito’s cheek more gently now.

Kaito’s eyes lit up, a wide, loopy grin on his flushed face… before moving Shuichi’s hand off of himself and moving backwards from him as he chuckled, “That’s so mean. That’s so mean… ugh. Noooo. No.” Kaito laughed, rubbing the back of his neck, “No, I’m not gonna do that. Why does everyone think that’ll work on me? Whatever weird conversation you’re trying to drag me away for, I’m not interested in having it in the shrine with ya, handsome. Noooope.”

“...” Shuichi frowned. “I want to talk to you.”

Kaito shrugged, his face cooling down, looking a little disappointed to be proven right. Ah well… no shrine sexy times… “You can. I’m just not going off to be alone with you, handsome. I know a bad time when I see it coming.”

Kokichi’s eyebrows scrunched together a bit. Just like he accepted the boundary of his partners keeping their own secrets, he accepted that there would be things between Kaito and Shuuichi that he wasn’t a part of. 

But…this wasn’t that. 

It was out of love, but…this was Shuuichi trying to corner Kaito. Kokichi knew how stubborn Shuuichi could be, but something like that was…pretty shitty. 

(On the other hand, Kokichi was delighted to see Kaito setting his boundaries. He just was disappointed it had to be in regards to Shuuichi.)

Letting Miya grab onto a few of his fingers, Kokichi sighed softly. “We spoke a bit with Miss Crystal while we were setting up your appointment. She didn’t break patient confidentiality, but just by the subject matter alone, it’s a conversation we want to have with you.”

“But,” Kokichi stressed, glancing over at Shuuichi, “Today’s already been really stressful. So if this isn’t a conversation you want to have right now…well, I understand that, at least.”

Shuichi glared at the ground a bit, clearly frustrated to be called out… he hadn’t been trying to be cruel, he had just thought… maybe he and Kaito could have a quiet conversation in private… maybe it’d be easier…

“Ah, she did, did she…” Kaito murmured, bringing up one of his legs to his chest and rubbing his forehead against his knee, “...well, who would I be to ask my partner to sit on his feelings… ugh… I don’t want to get angry in front of Miyako… is this going to make me angry?”

“Are you suicidal?”

Maki looked over from the window in surprise, “What?”

“...no.” Kaito said, looking over Miyako. “I’m not. And I’m doubting that Miss Crystal said I was. We’ve… talked a lot about that. I’m not suicidal. I just…” Kaito shrugged, rubbing his temple against his knee some more, looking tired, “Don’t want to be me sometimes. It’s not the same thing as wanting to kill myself. It just feels like a… workaround to me sometimes. Briefly. Always briefly… I don’t want to die.”

…really no tact getting right to it…but maybe that’s what was needed for Kaito to get into it. 

Nodding--remembering the time they had spoken about it--Kokichi sighed softly. “We told her that Dr. Mariah had recommended you having an appointment soon, and…of course Miss Crystal didn’t know the whole situation. She was worried about you--she asked us if you were having suicidal ideations. If you were, she would open something up sooner to see you…because while ideation isn’t the same as being suicidal, or having a suicidal episode, it still is a dangerous sign for someone’s mental health.”

Which…she had alluded to, but didn’t really explain. And…well, Shuuichi was getting it right from Kaito now. So that was something.

“...I know we just asked straight out, but…still,” Kokichi smiled faintly up at Kaito. “Thank you for being honest with us.”

“Hey, I get it.” Kaito sighed, giving Shuichi a look that was almost… ‘affectionate’ was the wrong word. ‘Knowing’ was closer, as he said, “It’s really, really scary, thinking someone you care about is suicidal. It…” Kaito’s lips thinned, before looking down at Miyako again, allowing himself to relax as he shrugged, “It makes you hate them, a little. Which is a terrible response, but… we’d hate anyone who wanted to kill our loved ones. But that anger and frustration and hatred doesn’t just magically go away just because the person in question is also our loved one… it just makes it harder…”

“I don’t hate you.”

“No, but you were ready to lure me out of here because you’re that pee’d off at me.” Kaito grinned warily. “Hey, if I had known that was the reason? Maybe I’d have let you do that. Get some payback for when we were teenagers. God knows I didn’t handle it well when I found out…”

“... are you refusing medication?” Shuchi asked.

At this, Kaito’s brow furrowed in honest confusion… and then his face clouded. “...that came up, huh? You guys weren’t gone long… no. I’m not refusing medication. What did Miss Crystal tell you?”

“She said you’ve discussed medication and wouldn’t tell us anything else.” Shuichi said tensely, “Between that and today and the suicidal ideation… I’m just worried about you…”

“... it’s not a secret, I just… there was never a reason to bring it up…” Kaito licked his lips, before shrugging, “We have… discussed medication. But there is a… Miss Crystal is trying to determine… we decided to give it six months from me recovering from the poppies to see if I had another–” Kaito poked his ears, shrugging, a sort of apathetic look in his face as he said, “-- ‘auditory hallucination’ episode. The thing that happens where I hear voices… um. We think it was just the effect of the drugs! A side effect. She, uh, we just want to confirm they’re not coming back before I got on medication, because she’s worried whatever I take will cover up symptoms… we have discussed the possibility that, uh… if the voices do come back, that I might have something called psychotic depression and…” Kaito’s apathetic tone hesitated at that, swallowing… before saying quieter, “I know that sounds bad, but… there’s medicine for that so… if it does happen I’ll just start taking that and things can still just go on as normal… it’s not the end of the world…” 

…feelings didn’t cancel out. They just mixed and piled… Kokichi was proud of Kaito a lot these days, and here again, he felt that bright warmth blossom in his chest. There was no good way to find out a loved one was struggling with suicidal thoughts or ideation. Really, the only positive thing about it was finding out before it was too late. It was something incredibly difficult for the person experiencing the feelings, but it affected all their loved ones too, and sometimes…that was too much. 

Considering their whole group was struggling with various things, it was a really good sign that, even tense, they could have a conversation like this without someone blowing up. 

He had guessed that they could be looking at different kinds of medicinal options, but…the truth honestly surprised Kokichi. Hearing things in his head… It could just be a side-effect of the poppy… It could mean something that it happened while he was a kid, too. But either way…

“It’s not the end of the world,” Kokichi repeated, giving Kaito a soft, yet confident smile. “I’m glad you and Miss Crystal came to a decision for the safest option, regarding your health.”

He paused for a moment, before giving Kaito an even softer expression. “...if it turns out you do have psychotic depression…could we all have a session, either our regular one with Dr. Mariah, or with Miss Crystal and we could have a discussion about if there’s anything we could do to make things easier on you? I…honestly don’t know all that much about the different kinds of psychosis, but… I mean, I know little stuff, like not making ‘reality is fake’ jokes, ‘n stuff…”

Kaito shrugged, a pinch in his forehead and lines under his eyes. This was clearly not something he liked thinking about. ‘Psychotic Depression’ was such a… weighted diagnosis. Kaito knew it was the wrong way to look at it, cause Miss Crystal kept saying so over and over and over, but…

Who the heck wanted to be officially ‘psychotic’?

Kaito prayed that the voices really were just side effects of his lifetime on drugs. Shuichi had had a massive personality shift and terrifying dreams, Maki had gone soft and timid and quiet… but according to Seiko, voices hadn’t been unheard of as a symptom, among other people affected by it. And his voices hadn’t come back until he had started getting actively dosed again! It could all be a coincidence! 

But… he had been quietly grappling with for awhile that it might not be. That Kaito’s mind just might not… be entirely stable. Beyond rage problems. Beyond sadness that felt like the void sometimes.

“Yeah, of course… heh.” Kaito laughed, giving Kokichi a sheepish, appreciative look, “It was funny, when I first told Miss Crystal about the voices, uh… she asked what kind of doctors or treatments my family tried when I was a kid, and looked shocked when I said none. That I don’t think it ever occurred to anyone to get me treatment… when it got really bad, Tengan used to say more lessons would sort me out. Like it was just something I was doing to be obnoxious… it’s nice that you’d ask that. It’s nice that that’s the response, ya know? I’m glad you’re not…”

Kaito hesitated. Looking to Shuichi and Maki now, “... is? Anyone freaked out?”

“... what are the symptoms of Psychotic Depression?” Maki asked from the window.

“Paranoia, hallucinations, violent tendencies, rage…”

“...holy cow.” Maki said, sitting up and giving Kaito an honestly outraged look, “How has no one tested you for this before?”

“Luminary suuuucks.” Shuichi whispered.

“...maybe a little.” Kaito admitted, “Miss Crystal and I talked about this, like… a few months ago. It took me a while to bring up the voices thing with her. I just didn’t want to sound… I didn’t want to seem worse than I was. Unhelpable. I don’t know if there’s anything you guys can or have to do different, but it was kind of a relief to hear this had, like… medicine that could help already… if it’s the case. If. So far so good… no new voices.” 

As much as there still was a lasting stigma around it…psychosis was more common than people thought. But, really, it was just like any other mental illness--there needed to be open conversations about it, and certain accommodations for people living with it. Whether that meant medicine or certain kinds of therapy, or content warnings on things, or spaces to decompress or…anything. Anything that would help, and not hurt other people. 

People needed to be understood and shown compassion. That’s how they grew. Villainizing people, especially for things out of their control, was how you made enemies. 

…hopefully mental health care would improve in Luminary. 

“That’s a good sign,” Kokichi said with a bare puff of a laugh. “Regardless of what ends up being the case. Just…let us know if there’s anything we can do to support you, okay? We love you, Kai-chan. That doesn’t change with whatever labels come and go.”

“I love you guys too… I’m sorry for how hard today’s been.” Kaito chuckled, entirely too himself. “I don’t want to be the reason we have tough days… I’m sorry I haven't been reliable in a long time.”

“... I wouldn’t say unreliable.” Shuichi said, “It has occurred to me that maybe we all tend to overly rely on each other. I mean, Kokichi and I were talking on the way home and… I still feel bad I wasn’t more reliable back in Luminary. That you both couldn’t count on me…”

Kaito frowned, but it was Maki who said, “How were you unreliable? Shuichi, we could count on you every time.”

The ex-detective laughed lightly at that, “No, you couldn’t… but it might say a lot that you feel that way. Kokichi said, if he doesn’t mind me paraphrasing,” Shuichi said, looking at Kokichi apologetically, “Basically that I couldn’t, or even… shouldn’t, have been able to perfectly protect you both back in Luminary. That succeeding at that would have been… he didn’t say this, exactly, but succeeding would have been abusive in its own right. It would have made me spying and controlling… and any ways you two, either of you,” Shuichi said, looking between Maki and Kaito, “could have perfectly, flawlessly protected me? Would have required the same. You’d have been monsters to me… we can’t perfectly protect people on our own level. Our friends… our equals. Not without taking away each others agency or throwing away trust… it’s just not possible, maybe.”

“So maybe we can stop apologizing to each other for not being enough.” Shuichi said softly, “Maybe we are and this is just what ‘enough’ looks like.”

Shuuichi stole the words out of his mouth, really. It wasn’t that Kaito wasn’t reliable. It was…that he was relying on others without being some sort of unbeatable hero. And that concept…

At first, as Shuuichi talked about ‘perfect protection’, Kokichi got worried. Thinking Shuuichi was trying to make the point that…they were all failures, or that they really should become those monsters, but…using a parlance Kokichi never would’ve thought of, Shuuichi made the exact opposite point. 

Maybe he could throw in his two cents about how he didn’t really consider it protection in that case, you just made yourself all their problems--the Nao issue, really, that Maki had taken too--but…it was elegant as Shuuichi put it. 

Shyly, Kokichi murmured, “You guys do tend to hold yourselves to standards that…some of the time, seem kind of impossible to me. But…when I look at you…you guys are incredible. You don’t need to be…gods, to be ‘enough’.”

“... so, wait, what point are we ultimately making here?” Kaito grinned, “I feel like we resolved something but I’m not sure how we got from ‘Kaito’s extended family issues requires more therapy’ to ‘we are not gods’. This has been a day.”

“Well, admittedly, we may have changed subjects a few times, if we’re talking about the conversation of the day as a whole.” Maki sighed, leaning back against the wall, “Don’t forget, we made a whole detour into mind reading hypotheticals and babysitting plans too.”

“Did we solve that? Did we resolve everything? What did we just resolve?” Kaito insisted.

“Thaaaaat ouuuuuur… coooo-dependence is making us give both each other and ourselves unrealistic expectations for our effects on one another?” Shuichi offered.

“How did we get there!? That wasn't’ even a subject on the table!”

Kokichi chuckled softly as he moved Miya’s arm slowly, his fingers still firmly in her tiny grip. “I’m not really surprised…we tend to go on a lot of tangents, as a group. Makes resolving things kinda confusing.”

Shuffling down on his stomach, Kokichi rested his head on the floor. “...did you know Miss Crystal burns incense in her office? We were waiting in the lobby for a little bit ‘cause she was airing it out, just so I could come in. That’s a pretty simple thing, but…I felt really touched. It was a nice consideration.”

“In her office? I knew she did recreationally, you can smell it on her clothes a lot.” Kaito said, wondering what her office looked like… before saying, “Wizard hobo did the same thing for me. Or, maybe Miyako… or maybe the hallway? He was stoned when I found him, but you couldn’t tell whatever he was burning cause it was out the window before he opened the door.”

“Weren’t you going to buy us drugs?” Shuichi asked, idly tracing his fingertips up and down Kokichi’s back now.

“Oh my god that’s right I was.” Kaito said in a rush, eyes widening, “Oh man… would drugs at the end of a day like today have made everything better or worse? I’m a fool.”

“Probably worse.” Maki suggested, “I know both Shuichi and Kokichi have been high before, but I trust neither of them to not be the paranoid and skittish types on anything.”

“Rude. I can relax.” Shuichi huffed, “I relax all the time. Drugs or no drugs.”

Kokichi hummed quietly, smiling in approval at the light touch on his back. They still had big things to talk about, but…for now things did feel okay. Handleable. And…whatever life threw at them later, they’d be able to handle it. Psychotic depression or family troubles or mind reading or whatever. 

“That’s fair enough,” Kokichi hummed at Maki. “But like I said…weed just makes me chill and sleepy. And think that everything’s funny. Mmm…still think it’d probably make things worse, if we all had some, but I think it could be a nice night for some. Maybe I’m jus’ sayin’ that ‘cause last time I got baked I slept for twelve hours straight, and right now Shuu-chan’s makin’ me feel cozy and sleepy…”

“I don’t know if I’d personally be into a drug that just makes you sleepy and relaxed… doesn’t sound like that much fun,” Kaito admitted, “But if you guys want… I dunno, I’ll get some and if we have a free, easy evening coming up, I’ll play babysitter and you guys can enjoy some.”

Kaito almost wanted to ask Kokichi if that was something he’d want for his birthday, but he was still hoping some brilliant idea would come to him to celebrate his husbands birthday with, and he didn’t want to lower Kokichi’s expectations to just… ‘getting high’ for his birthday. But, then… maybe Kokichi would like it? Kaito wasn’t sure. He honestly didn’t have a good read on how much Kokichi enjoyed stuff like that, beyond as a novelty of having done it a few times over the years.

He’d poke more into it… but he looked over to Shuichi, grinning as he said, “Our Shuichi is good at making people feel cozy and sleepy… did you want to go praying, or…”

Shuichi stilled… before looking genuinely guilty as he said, “Am I the worst boyfriend alive if I say todays been really long and I’m actually kinda tired…?”

“...noooo.” Kaito said, looking a little grumpy, though he was (mostly) being playful. “If you’re both tired, take a nap. I can handle Miyako.”

“No, no, it’s my turn, I can do it.” Shuichi sighed, waving his hand vaguely at the both of them as he said, “you both take a nap. Or do whatever. It’s been a rough day for everyone.”

“That said?” Maki said, standing up, “I’m going to go see what my son is up too. Make sure he’s not casually destroying any property. Did you guys want me to come to this Miss Crystal thing tomorrow?”

“Um… no, I don’t think so.” Kaito said, looking to Shuchi and Kokichi as he said, “Are you two coming with me to my session tomorrow? I mean… did you have more questions about the medication?”

Kokichi had a feeling he just found the novelty of being too chilled out to be anxious about anything fun, more than…whatever other qualification to fun there was. Plus, being able to be entertained with some sparkly lights? Made entertainment very easy to get. 

…tempting the prayer room had been kinda shitty, but…if Shuuichi was too tired, he was too tired. No pity sex. 

But there were other forms of intimacy. Holding up his free hand towards Kaito and making vague grasping motions, Kokichi groaned softly. “Cuddle with me? I’m gonna miss having a buddy, if I have to part from Miya. Never thought I’d say it, but having a little baby grip around my fingers is almost as comforting as a hug.”

But he’d still definitely take Kaito cuddling him as they took a nap. 

Kokichi didn’t quite feel like getting up from the floor yet, and there was one last matter to address. “...mm. Not really… If you two are still decided on this waiting period, then there’s not much discussion to have. I’ll come to the session if you want me there, but…they’re for you, Kai-chan. It’s all up to your discretion.”

“Miyako, it’s time to let go of daddy’s hand.” Shuichi told her gently, pressing on her fingers around Kokichi’s.

Miyako’s pacifier suckling grew stronger, her brow furrowing. Outrageous. No.

“Miyako, come on now… let go.” Shuichi insisted, gently trying to encourage Miyako’s arm away, who was having none of it.

Kaito watched this with some amusement, before saying to Shuichi, “Try replacing it with your own finger, that helps sometimes.” Looking to Kokichi, he said, “I mean… if you guys have questions, that’s fine. But it’s really not that I’ve been keeping things from you, you guys can ask me questions and I’ll explain myself as best I can. I just didn’t want to worry you guys with a ‘maybe’ diagnosis. I wanted to wait to confirm it one way or another before bringing it up… but yeah. We only have a little time left until she decides it’s either situational or clinical depression anyway. I haven't looked at the calender, but it’s probably close to six months now. It’d be kind of a waste to skip ahead now, so close to the finish line.”

Shuichi, after some prying, finally successfully replaced Kokichi’s finger with his own… and only pouted a little as Miyako immediately let it go, clearly offended at new finger intrusions. “What? It’s a perfectly good finger… honestly…”

“Alright. If you all end up deciding you need me, let me know.” Maki said, heading out, “Otherwise, get some rest, and good luck tomorrow Kaito. Love you.”

“Love ya too.” Kaito said, giving her a wave as she headed out, before going to collect Kokichi, pulling him into his arms, “Alright… someone’s feeling sleepy, huh?” Kaito said, kissing at the side of Kokichi’s face as he headed towards the bed. “My good, sleepy ‘Kichi… it’s been a tough day. We need some rest… sweety ‘Kichi who is so sleepy…”

Kokichi watched in amusement as Shuuichi tried to convince their entirely unimpressed two-month-old to let him go, doing absolutely nothing to help, though it was his own fingers in play. Sweet, little, judgy Miya… The ego of a child really is something to behold. 

Nodding slightly, Kokichi gave Kaito a soft look. “It’s not a bother to us, for you to share what’s going on in your life. I know it’s not always that easy, especially when it’s not exactly good news…but you’ll never be a bother. I’ll be better about asking you questions I have on my mind too--relationships take effort from b-aaaath sides…”

Kokichi yawned in the middle of his sentence, allowing Kaito to pick him up from the floor with just the slightest bit of cooperation, instead choosing to spend his energy nuzzling against Kaito once he was in his arms, returning some of the kisses. “Mm, sleepy ‘Kichi, who’s lucky to have wonderful, amazing partners and friends. You guys are incredible…”

“Love you too, Kokichi.” Kaito said softly, taking him to bed. 

There was fussing with clothes and shoes and just general napping comforts, but by the time they were settled, Miyako was gently coo’ing over by the window as Shuichi spoke softly to her of stories he had heard growing up, telling her about unicorns that found lost princess’s in the woods, helping them find their way back home. It was a common fairytale, but Kaito appreciated Shuichi being willing to tell Miyako a positive princess story, considering his feelings on her ‘non’ status…

And as he wrapped Kokichi in his arms,running his hands though his thin hair and kissing at his forehead, listening to fairytales and holding Kokichi close… he knew he felt the same. And said again, “Love you, Kokichi.”

-

“So…” She sighed, the two having decided to enjoy the summer day by sitting on a park bench table, rather then the diner. They had stopped by a stand and were drinking chilled coffee, Kaito looking tired, Miss Crystal sympathetic, “Tough day yesterday?”

“Yeah, if I still had any of them fooled that I was even semi-well adjusted? That’s gone now.” Kaito put his fingers together before puffing out his cheeks, popping them off each other, “Poof. There goes all my credibility.”

“This is progress. It’s a good thing… we don’t have to go into everything that happened. Try to tell me what’s bothering you about it, specifically. I heard you became non-verbal by the end. What prompted that?”

“Do I have to? I’m tired of talking about myself… I’m tired of everyone proving to me, over and over, how shitty I am. Did I seriously need to be taken down this hard? Why was it so important to literally everyone that I have no pride left? Was it that bad that I was confident and happy… did it have to be bad that I loved my family and took pride in my country or thought I was competent? Special, even?” Kaito frowned… before sighing. “I sound pathetic.”

“I doubt the point was ever to attack you, Kaito…”

“Are you sure?” Kaito asked dryly, giving the older woman a pointed look, “Because it really feels like attacks, sometimes. And I just don’t understand why. Everyone else…” Kaito hesitated, feeling whiney… “I feel like the only time anyone is on my side is after I’ve lost it and I’m basically begging them to lay off. And I don’t think that’s accurate, I’m sure it isn’t, because my family isn’t cruel… I just feel like the stress of all our conversations is the only thing that I remember, when they’re done… am I being unfair to them?”

“I’m not certain… I want to say no. Because your anger usually isn’t baseless. You’re never angry or upset over nothing, at your worst you usually just struggle to communicate well why you’re upset. You have a problem of often not understanding yourself why you’re upset, which leads to the communication issues. But you’re not emotionally unintelligent. I’d actually argue you have a very strong understanding of how other people work, on an emotional level, and that you’re usually quite adept at picking up others intents. If you think you’re being ‘attacked’? That might be the wrong word, is the issue, but I’d trust your judgment that it feels ‘pointed, aggressive and intentional’.”

“...but not an ‘attack’.”

“That’s me trusting your instincts again. Because you just said that doesn’t feel like the right interpretation, that your family isn’t cruel. Your words are contradicting, but not the feelings behind them.”

“Great… so what does that mean?”

“...” Miss Crystal sighed, “Kaito, your family is going through something right now. Their own growth is making them difficult people to rely on, emotionally. We’ve talked about this, and my advise is still the same… you need to expand your social group. They can’t be your everything, especially if spending time with them stresses you out. You need breaks.”

Kaito huffed, “Breaks… you sound like Dr. Mariah.”

“If its advice you keep hearing, it’s good advice.” Miss Crystal said, “Or at least some interpretation of it is useful. If your family isn’t the emotional support you need right now, find it in other people. There are lots of good people here. You’re a social person. Make friends.”

“...yeah.” Kaito said, scratching his scalp tiredly, “Easier said than done, but… yeah.”

-

“...so…that’s where I am,” Kokichi sighed, not without exasperation. “I’m not totally sure if Maki-chan and Shuu-chan knew what I was rambling about, since if they did they would’ve kept a straight face anyway… They’re clever, but can sometimes be a little silly. Mostly, I think Kai-chan thought I was…patronizing him a little, just trying to move the subject in any way possible. Saying ‘I have something to tell you, but I can’t remember’ is just…weird and unhelpful.”

It had been another day since their therapy session, and the night after Kaito’s emergency session with Miss Crystal--he didn’t exactly seem happier or more at peace when he returned, but…Kokichi wasn’t sure. It kind of seemed like he was mulling something over--and Kokichi was catching Alter Ego up on the happenings of the past few days, enjoying the small tea area that he’d taken a liking to receiving guests at. 

“I’m kinda happy that my waking self is pretty set on telling them as soon as I can…even if I think in front of our therapist isn’t the best place, but…for real. I just need to wait until I can get the words out, otherwise I’m just gonna confuse…” Kokichi had been about to say ‘people’, but that wasn’t quite right. “...well, I’m gonna confuse Kai-chan more. And he already has enough on his plate without me bein’ a weirdo.”

“Your therapist knowing likely wouldn’t be ideal.” Alter Ego, who had never visited Dr. Mariah’s mind, agreed. “And it does sound like Awake Kokichi might be getting closer and closer to you, emotionally. That’s good, I’ve been worried about how you’ll take the concept of magic in the waking world, but ideally, you won’t have a much harder time of it there than you did learning about it in the dreamscapes.” Alter Ego hoped. Kokichi had Temp and Ikou while he was awake to help guide him as he remembered, but until Kokichi started to really come to grips with managing his mind while awake… Alter Ego would always be at a distance, while he was awake. Able to observe, but unable to help in a non-intrusive way…

Alter Ego hoped Kokichi’s waking support structure would be enough.

Licking at his little tea bowl– he liked the concept of tea well enough, in the sense that when he was in Kokichi’s mind, Kokichi quite liked tea, and that echoed out in a general ‘good’ taste of tea in his mind– he said, “‘I have something important to tell you and can’t remember’... that does sound like a confusing thing to bring up in therapy… we really do need to get Shuichi and Maki and Ikou up to date of our intent to push you to remember. Ideally you’ll be fine, but if you’re not, then the support group we’ve put up around you needs to be ready. Did you want to tell them yourself, or should I make the rounds later?”

“I hope so…” Kokichi echoed Alter Ego’s intent. It made sense that he’d accept things in the waking world well, once he remembered. He was literally himself, and while learning that the world was several degrees larger and more complex than he’d thought was…a lot, he’d been able to come to terms with it once. Once all that reasoning came to the part of him that couldn’t remember, it should just be fine. 

It should. 

Sighing softly, Kokichi made something of a face. “...I’ve never visited my dad’s mind before, not knowingly. I feel like it’s easier to maintain contact with Shuu-chan and Maki-chan’s surface-level consciousnesses since I know them, since I have some familiarity with their minds. It would probably be good practice contacting my dad, but…if I’m gonna be going to different people, and talking to their surfaces at the same time…that kinda takes a lot out of me.”

Giving his mentor an unsure look, Kokichi asked, “Is it too complacent to ask if you’d tell Ikuo, and I can tell Shuu-chan and Maki-chan?”

Alter Ego nodded, “Ideally, you could just send your intent to them and it’d be fine. They would technically understand, but… we might want to practice with them knowing what intent is before we spring it on them.”

“We also need to speak to Madam Zalai soon.” Alter Ego said, stretching their body as he continued, “She said we could speak to her any night, but she’d prefer it to be the beginning of the night so that she could sleep into the morning. Orcs are somewhat nocturnal, and she’d rather be getting ready to go to sleep as it gets closer to morning. We can do that tonight, if you’re up to it, visiting Shuichi and Maki afterwards?”

Kokichi quirked a small smile. “Yeah… I might explain it to them a bit too, then. Like, ‘hey, if I need to send you quick messages, you might wake up just knowing something’... Though, with more explanation about intent itself, probably. Already Shuu-chan’s told me he wakes up a little confused sometimes, after I’ve visited him. Don’t wanna just spring something like that.”

However, that wasn’t going to be right then. 

Straightening to attention a bit, Kokichi’s eyes shined in interest before he nodded. “Let’s go see her, then. I’m really grateful she’s willing to help, though…I can’t say I’m not interested in meeting an orc for the first time too. I’m guessing Empaths can be a little chiller about it, but are there any customs I should know before I make a huge jerk outta myself?”

“I suppose I’d just remind you that she’s an important figure in her community.” Alter Ego said, stretching again. “Our common word equivalent is ‘shaman’, but it’s more accurate to say she’s a sort of… Head Healer? In Luminary, she’d be a sort of nobility, in Dicea, I think her equivalent position would be Head Secretary. ‘Madam’ in orc culture is the proper title for a female orc in an authority position. She’s not necessarily a ‘leader’ like an Ouma or a Queen, but she’s a respected authority among orcs, and is used to being treated like she does have a final say in most conversations.”

“Though, she herself, personality wise, seems pretty down to earth.” Alter Ego added in, mentally reaching out to Madam Zalai and sending her an intent of warning that they were on their way, “Orcs, or mountain trolls, are a hard people, but she’s an older gal. She was pleasant enough to me, anyway.”

“Oh!” Alter Ego sent out an image to Kokchi next, showing him an orc putting their thumb, index finger and middle finger pinched to their forehead, only leaving their pinky fingers out (they only had four fingers overall), before moving the pinch down to their chest, spreading their hand out onto their chest. “If she does that, mimic her. It’s basically the orcish equivalent of saying ‘be well’. A small blessing.” 

Kokichi nodded slowly, taking the information in. Generally, being a highly revered and respected healer and authority figure in a community…wouldn’t garner any sort of different treatment than how he’d treat anyone else, but, like Alter Ego pointed out, there likely would be certain expectations she would have. Most of all, Kokichi was asking her for help, and she had accepted his plea--it wasn’t like he wanted to go over and argue with her or anything. He was just hoping for some advice, and she had already helped him a ton once. 

So…he’d treat her with gratitude and respect, as a person that had helped him once, and he was going to for wisdom. 

And the fact that she was kind to Alter Ego was a gold star towards her personality, too. 

Slowly, Kokichi mimicked the gesture a few times, getting more acquainted with the movements, before giving Alter Ego a grin. “Thanks. I’ve kinda had enough shocking culture difference snafus for a while. Shall we head over?”

Alter Ego opened the portal, establishing the connection…

-

Madam Zalai wasn’t bothering with a lobby, or a projection, and she wasn’t allowing Kokichi and Alter Ego into any deeper, metaphor driven aspects of her mind. As they arrived, they found themselves on a mountainside, a full, large orange moon lighting the sky, as a large, rock-like creature, a similar coloring to the mountainside itself. Madam Zalai didn’t wear clothes, in the traditional sense, but there was a heavy layer of vines and moss that hung from her shoulders lke a cape, and they shifted and swayed softly down her back as she moved slowly, carrying a large wicker basket. 

As she knelt down, her massive, thick fingers holding and looking over some greenery in the rockside with a surprising amount of delicacy, considering adding it to her pile of greenery in her basket, she said to them aloud, her voice deep and gravely, “Welcome, Kokichi. Alter Ego. Make yourselves useful, keep an extra eye out for mushrooms. They’ll be in between the rocks, and they’re easy to miss, even if I’m looking directly at them.”

Alter Ego looked around the mountain side, tail twitching, “Of course, Madam. Thank you for seeing us again, we don’t mean to interrupt you if you’re busy–”

“Life on the mountain side is always busy. But I can talk and harvest at the same time.” She said, deciding the greenery had use and pulling it from the rock, putting it into her basket and standing up, moving on. Her movement made sound, like rocks rubbing against each other. A constantly shifting, living mountainside.

As soon as they came through the portal, there was a lot to be in awe of. 

The view was incredible, the vantage of a mountainside standing before miles and miles of land, though shrouded in the dark of night, and the fog that came from being so high up. The moon was enormous, a shade Kokichi thought he’d maybe seen only once or twice, though for how impressive it was, the dense blanket of stars it rested in were not outshown, glittering with just as much pride. 

Vaguely, Kokichi wondered where they were, but…he supposed it didn’t really matter. They were invited to a glimpse of Madam Zalai’s home, and associating it with a place on a map wouldn’t mean much of anything. 

The rock troll herself, though… With the image Alter Ego had shown him, Kokichi knew, generally, what to expect from an orc in a visual sense, but…she was huge! A mountain in her own right, blanketed by greenery and complimented with a solid, straight-forward personality, even from the first few sentences she greeted them with. 

…but most of all… Kokichi admired her elegance. The utter ease with her abilities, able to talk and get on with her gathering, greeting them with a confident assurance and putting them to work too… For a moment, Kokichi really was starstruck. 

Smiling, he gave her a polite greeting nod--even if she wasn’t looking…but that didn’t really matter when they weren’t physically there--before turning his gaze to keep an eye out for mushrooms. “I’m glad to have this opportunity to meet you personally, Madam Zalai. Your instructions for how to self-assess my mind really helped me, so, thank you, truly.”

“I assume Alter Ego’s filled you in, but…I would like to ask for your guidance again,” Kokichi started, trying to just get to the point. “I created a blockade to keep my waking self from remembering anything about Empathy. I think it’s served its purpose, but now it’s causing me more trouble than it is protecting me, but…I don’t know how to…break or remove or…not have it, anymore. And I’m wary about forcing it…” 

Behind his words at the end was the nervous intent of the pain he’d caused himself by messing with memories and knowledge before, along with a vaguer notion of knowing that flooding yourself with knowledge too quickly was dangerous. After all, there was a reason Bathul didn’t just give Maki all her memories overnight, and even at the very start of it, she hadn’t been doing so well…

His mental block wasn’t something he’d made with intent. It wasn’t something he’d been able to find metaphorically in his mind. Pushing too hard could be dangerous in a very real way, so…he hoped she would have some advice. Anything would help at this point.

Alter Ego jumped from rock to rock, dodging and darting in between Madam Zalai’s legs as they looked around for mushrooms. Meanwhile, the mountain orc lumbered through the well worn path, listening quietly to Kokichi’s summary of events.

Coming across some moss, she considered it carefully, carefully looking at the moisture on its roots, as she said, “It sounds like you’re already aware of the problem. But then, acknowledging our own mental blocks is usually the first step. The second step is just as simple, and just as difficult, I suppose… acknowledging that we’re the only ones who can undo those same blocks. That it’s all ultimately going to come down to you choosing to take it down.”

“But he’s already chosen to do so.” Alter Ego argued, leaping higher onto the wall, “We’re aware that he put the block up himself, but now that he’s decided to do it, we’re not sure how to undo the blockade he made.”

“He has to choose to take it down.”

“I… yes. But he already has–”

“Having an idea or an ideal isn’t the same as actually embracing the stress of the action.” the old orc sighed, deciding against the moss and continuing on, “Knowing that something that needs to be done, should be done, is not the same as actually deciding to do it. If, Kokichi, you know you need to take down the blockade, and you should taken down the blockade, and it’s still there? Then, for whatever reason, good or bad, some part of you has decided to not actually take it down yet. By this point…” the old orc woman looked over at Kokichi now, and while her face had no wrinkles– you needed skin for that– there was still the tired signs of age thee, cracks and chips in the rocks as she said solemnly to him, “...this becomes about looking inward, and admitting to yourself why you won’t do it. And then working on mentally getting through that.”

At first, Kokichi was pretty much thinking what Alter Ego was saying, but…Madam Zalai made a lot of sense. His mind wasn’t some mysterious, untamable thing. Their own minds was literally the thing an Empath had the most control over. He could feel every bit of it. Sure, it wasn’t like he could just fix his depression and other issues, but he still did have a lot of control over how his mind worked. 

If he couldn’t even tell how the blockade worked, then…it was because he was keeping it from himself. 

Kokichi’s brows furrowed as he considered the old orc’s points, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “...there are a lot of things I’m worried about. And I know why I originally put it up, even if that hadn’t been a conscious decision. But…” His brows furrowed further. “...even if it’s scary, and I’m nervous…it’s not helping anything to hide from it. I can’t hide a part of myself just because it’s dangerous or ‘cause I’m insecure. I want to be able to grow and help others to the best of my ability…and I can’t do that if there’s an entire part of my life that I don’t remember.”

“...and it’s not even like I completely don’t remember anyway,” Kokichi pouted despite himself. “Instead I just say weird stuff then think I’m going insane.”

“...mm.” she hummed, before considering Kokichi a bit… “Sit with me. I can take a break, and this might require more focus on my end.”

Putting down her basket, Madam Zalai settled against the mountain side, settling into the rocks as she looked up at the moon. “Harvest moon today… that’s not why I’m harvesting, but having the right environment can sometimes make the mundane feel special. Gives necessary actions greater depths. Makes us more reflective.”

Patting to her side, indicating he should sit with him, she continued, “Sometimes the best use of our empathetic abilities is to create for ourselves, and others, the spacing we need to reflect. It can often be as simple as creating an environment that makes us consider our actions more, an almost romanticism to our own psyches that makes self reflection more inviting, and less cynical. Harvesting during the harvest moon is more dangerous, due to the canine packs that get emboldened by the gravitational force of the fuller moon, which is why you see me without company tonight. But I’ve often found I do my very best harvesting during it. Not because of the lighting, or the season, but simply because I am inclined to pay better attention. Because it feels more important.”

“Forgive me Madam, but… I’m not sure I understand what you’re trying to convey to us.” Alter Ego said, leaping onto Kokichi’s lap and looking up at her. “What does this look like in practice?”

“He needs a mental, designated meditation space.” She explained, looking back to the view, “Somewhere specifically to go into his mind that’s entire purpose is to reach out into himself and explore aspects of himself in a purely reflective way. Somewhere where it feels safe and without the random clutter and mess of his comfort spots, or walking randomly around his own pathways. And, it would help him to have it at least partially designed by someone outside of himself.”

“We tend to value the insights and mysticism of others over ourselves. We take a certain amount of pride and satisfaction in symbolism created by others on our behalfs. We associate more with nicknames friends have given us, rather then our chosen names. We trust we are growing as people when people we respect tell us about changes they have witnessed in us. We know our ideas are sound not when the results speak for themselves, but others speak for the results. For most, it’s just our nature. We trust the sacred and solemn presence of the temple or the holy place or the shrine, as established by others, over our own forms of worship. Doing anything else is usually a result of a force of will, a breaking of a habit, and it’s terribly difficult to really believe in the symbolism we ourselves have made.”

Kokichi nodded at the mountain orc before sitting at her side, crossing his legs to make a nice little seat for Alter Ego too. He wasn’t really trying to say that there wasn’t anything he had left to think about. He just…didn’t know what those things were yet. 

For a long, long time, his block had just been…something to consider in the future. It’d wear off when it wore off, but he wasn’t eager to try and break through it, no matter how many cool things he experienced, or how many important things he had to say. He was scared. Of rejection from his family, of what saying the words aloud would mean. Things had changed in the world since then, but Alter Ego’s initial warning about keeping his abilities a secret was something that stuck close to Kokichi--he didn’t want to put anyone in danger because of what he was. 

And there were other things too. Only asleep, Kokichi didn’t have to contend with the magical reality of their world. There was nothing he could do about it, so…he could just roll with every piece of new information he got. But in the physical world? It was already stressful enough having to manage the multitudes that non-powered humans were. Adding in a menagerie of peoples and abilities…how was he supposed to face it? The Flora had already proved once that they weren’t afraid of using, basically, the supernatural to influence unassuming humans. What else would he have to anticipate to protect his people? 

Not to mention that there were countless magic folk who were his people. What were their communities like? How did they organize their needs? Would he be able to get in contact with any of them? How would he be able to care for them if he couldn’t make any public announcements? Would they even want his help? What could he do if humans were casually doing something that was hurting magic folk, without just outing the whole community? 

How was he supposed to interact with people’s faiths when the gods were very real, and very not involved? How was he supposed to anticipate an afterlife for his people? How was he supposed to leave all this for an heir?

There was…so much waiting for him in the waking world. But he couldn’t just play pretend forever, and refusing to face the facts was worse than simply not knowing them. He’d figure it out, somehow. And he wouldn’t be alone doing it. 

…so…what else was there?

Kokichi watched Madam Zalai as she described forming a space of mental reflection for himself…not just for him to look within, but…something that would have him pay attention, built of others’ perceptions too. 

Her point was well-made, but…there was an example Kokichi couldn’t help but linger on. Kaito was always firm in his insistence that his shrine was fine, and…the practices were from a faith outside of him, but…he had had to find his own place. Off to the side and othered. 

…maybe Kokichi would talk with the other admins soon. See if he could get approval for some castle additions sooner than he’d thought he’d ask. 

Nodding slowly, Kokichi hummed. “...I was planning on seeing some of my family later. Like this, I mean…” Looking down at Alter Ego, Kokichi’s eyebrows unfurrowed a little. “...would you be open to helping me make a meditation space? With Shuu-chan and Maki-chan’s input?”

Alter Ego’s ears perked up in interest, the answer so obviously a ‘yes’ for them that they actually forgot to say so, looking to Madam Zalai and asking, “When I help him design the room… once, I helped him design a memory retrieval figment. It was somewhat of an accident when it happened, but I imbued some of my energy into it. Nothing as serious as a soul piece, but I think both of us working on it together has given it a level of sophistication I wasn’t prepared for or attempting. The other week, it literally asked to go on playdates in other minds. It has desires.”

“Empathetic ability well beyond my means.” Madam Zalai shrugged, “But not unheard of. Anything, magic or otherwise, designed by more people will be more sophisticated. Why do you bring it up?”

“Because I’m not certain how I did it. And I was wondering if trying to recreate that level of gifted energy might do anything for the room? Maki and Shuichi will add an ‘other’ perspective, but as another empath… is there anything else I can offer him? Anything that would help?”

“Ah, I see… have you ever been in a space that is less a creation or a memory, but seems to be purely a feeling? A space made of intent?”

“Yes. I have my own space of relaxation, and a few minds we’ve visited had something similar. Almost always relaxation. A soothing space.”

“Any, and every, emotion can and does have it’s own self representation inside a persons mind. What I would recommend, as a healer, is to imbue the space you make for him with a sense of ‘value’. Do you consider your friend and charge here ‘important’?”

Alter Ego’s back straightened, “Of course.”

“Good. I do not need to know anything about him, to know that sometimes, he will not agree.” Madam Zalai said, giving Kokichi a small nod, “Cynicism, the belief that answers about ourselves or others aren’t important, or worth exploring, are meaningless or petty, in some way, is the mind's most self destructive delusion. Putting your view of how important Kokichi, everything about him, large or small, is into the room, will force him to consider himself important, so long as he’s in the room. Or, at least encourage him.”

“Right! Right.” Alter Ego nodded, looking to Kokichi, a determined look in their golden eyes as he said, “I can do that for you. A sense of your importance… in a meditation room helped designed by some of the people closest to you. And that will help Kokichi figure out his block?”

“Empath abilities is like anything,” the old orc sighed, getting up and reaching down for her wicker basket again. “Good tools make the work easier. A large, easy to carry wicker basket makes the harvest easier. A meditation room will make the self-reflection process easier. Self-reflection will help you comprehend and fix your emotional self-defenses. It’s sometimes as simple as that.”

Looking down to Kokchi a bit… she squatted down and, pinching her forehead, instead of re-spreading her fingers against her own chest, with a shocking amount of gentleness from the massive rock creature, she spread her hand on Kokichi’s chest. “You will be well. If you cannot heal with the advice I have given? Return to me. We will continue to work at it. I do not leave those who have asked for my help to heal on their own.”

…Kokichi thought about asking Kaito too, willing to barter enough with Saint Madison to at least speak to a memory projection. Maybe he would. Another big part of why Kokichi wanted to remember already was…it felt bad, leaving Kaito out of something this huge. Again. Kokichi knew it wasn’t his fault, since he literally couldn’t tell Kaito in the physical world, but…he’d been speaking to Shuuichi and Maki in their minds. He’d learned how to speak to surface consciousness. Now…it was his decision to keep Kaito in the dark. 

And his husband deserved so much more than that. 

…and. Well. If there was anyone who thought Kokichi was important, it was Kaito. The first person to be able to thrust a hand out and to make Kokichi want to reach back. 

Kokichi couldn’t help but flush a little at Madam Zalai’s blunt statement, but…you didn’t have to know anyone to figure that sometimes they didn’t feel important. It happened to most people. It was just…a little more true for him. 

Grateful for her advice, Kokichi nodded at the almost flow-chart-like breakdown the orc gave him, but as he started to recognize the gesture, his eyes went wide. Just…touched. “T…thank you,” he got out, voice hushed with emotion, before he grinned wide, utterly thankful. “I appreciate your kindness… Thank you, Madam.”

The old orcish woman nodded, standing up to her full height again as she said, “Well, you two weren’t terribly good mushroom finders, but that’s alright. They’re out there, somewhere. And tonight–” she said, looking up to the moon, before heading down the path again, her movement slow and certain, “--is the night to find them.”

And because almost all empaths had a flare for drama, in one sweeping movement, a gust of wind enveloped them, dust and sand and rock clouding their vision, and when their vision cleared…

Alter Ego looked around. “...okay, pushing us out of her mind is one thing. Knowing and being able to push me into your mind? I didn’t actually think a medium power level empath was capable of that. That woman has amazing control of her abilities. Wow.”

…Kokichi had inspiration for a new painting. 

Chuckling softly--and subtly wiping his eyes--Kokichi took a deep breath, smelling the sweet, fried scents of his lobby. It might’ve been fun to try and create another “room”, but…it wasn’t really a creative exercise. It was a tool to help him heal. To combine his dual-life back into one and start taking some steps forward whole. 

He kinda wished they could tell Dr. Mariah. Navigating his abilities as it pertained to his relationships was bound to have some tricky spots. 

“She’s…incredibly amazing.” That wasn’t even covering the bounds of how Kokichi felt. Honestly…it was almost like a crush, but just…for someone’s amazingness. A crush to admire. 

Taking another breath to steady himself, Kokichi smiled at Alter Ego. “Well…we have a plan for tonight, at least. I think I’m gonna visit Kai-chan too… And if my dad has any ideas for the room, well…he’s known me longest. I’d love his input too.”

“It’s looking to be a long night,” Kokichi started, stretching out his arms and legs a little to prepare to portal jump a few times, “So…if you wanna head back to yours after letting my dad know stuff, we can get to work on the room tomorrow?”

“Certainly. It can give you some privacy with your family too. Just don’t let them talk you into juggling multi-consciousness on your own again.” Alter Ego warned him sternly, tilting their head up at him. “Don’t forget, dragon stuff or not, you’re the only empath with them, so anything you all do is going to be shouldered primarily by your abilities. It’s not like jumping around with myself and Temp, it takes more strength. You’ll get there someday, but it’ll take practice, and not the sort of practice of ‘everyone at once in someone else's mind’ like you did before. Maybe one day we can practice you hosting one of them in your mind, and when that feels easy, move onto hosting two, then three… and once that feels easy? Hosting in others minds. Agreed?”

Kokichi smiled guiltily at his mentor. “Agreed. I know I got way too ahead of myself there… But, hopefully, if I can get to remembering everything in the physical world, we won’t need to do that kind of stuff just when we wanna talk. But for now, yeah. We’ll take it slow.”

Figuring he’d do the easy stuff first, just to make sure he had some sort of feedback for the room, Kokichi knelt to give Alter Ego an affectionate pat. “Thanks for helpin’ out with all this. You’re really important to me, too.”

Then, closing his eyes and taking one last deep breath of the cotton candy and elephant ear-filled air, Kokichi reached out towards Shuuichi’s mind.

-

“G’eh.”

“Exactly. It just feels like a waste of resources. I bet they’re delicious.”

“Maki, even jokingly, don’t ever tell Kaito you want to eat one of the Koi fish.”

“E’heml.”

“You’re right, Miyako. Even with this weird ‘no sparring’ kick he’s got going on, that might be the thing that pushes him over the edge. He loves those fish.”

Shuichi, Maki, and Miyako were all lamenting on the floor. It was the closest Shuichi had ever felt to Miyako, listening to her gurgle and kick the air on the floor beside him, as he and Maki stared at the ceiling, talking idly over nothing… well, almost nothing.

“...I owe him a spar.” Maki said quietly, “Don’t think I don’t know that. It’s not fair, that Kaito being forced to take on pacifist values happened at the exact same time I betrayed him. I know that. I didn’t do this on purpose.”

“Of course you didn’t… and I thought the dances were helping?”

“They are. For the little things. Do you think we’ve discussed me hiding plans to kill his family for over a year from him while tangoing? I’m not that cruel.”

“You guys seem to be fighting more, these days. Are you two okay?”

“I don’t know…”

“Brgh-lll.”

“Miyako, that’s rude…”

“No, no, she’s right… in some ways I think the fighting means we're doing better? We do a lot more talking dancing then we ever did sparring, and I think that’s been helping us bring up things more that we had stopped talking about years ago… but at the same time it’s harder. I hadn’t realized how many things I was still holding onto. I don’t think Kaito did either. It feels like everything leads to a new argument now.”

“It’s almost like punching each other in the face didn’t resolve all your issues. It just made you stop talking about them… Dr. Mariah will feel smug to realize that, I bet.”

“It was easier, when things felt resolved and we had moved on…” Maki sighed, closing her eyes, “... it… it sometimes feels like a lot of our old problems are making a second go around… Shuichi, seriously. Can I talk to you about–”

“Shhh.” Shuichi said, suddenly reaching over to cover the memories mouth, “Shhh… that’s a private confession…”

To his surprise, it worked, the memory of Maki stilling… and Shuichi looked up, the pink in his eyes fading back to gold as he said, “Kokichi? I… are you there?”

Kokichi looked at Shuuichi in surprise--was that…something that happened, even for non-Empaths?--before giving him a sheepish look. “Sorry. I swear I’m not trying to come visit you when you’re remembering private things.”

“...this is very cute, though,” he grinned, looking fondly at the group laid on the floor as he came to crouch by Shuuichi. Seeing Maki and Shuuichi commiserating was always a nice sight, but adding in Miyako too, even if she probably wouldn’t get more than the comforting impressions of her dada and aunt right there, and vague sweeps of their emotions…it was very sweet. 

Giving Shuuichi a soft look, Kokichi sighed softly. “I don’t wanna keep you…well, not sleeping for long, but I came by for a few reasons. I have some other stops to make tonight too…and I promised to take things slow, so I can’t bring you along, sorry.”

“Buuuuuut… Shuu-chan,” Kokichi bade, rocking forward on his feet, a gleam in his eye. “I met an orc tonight.”

Shuichi’s eyes widened… before saying hushedly, “What kind!?”

Sitting up and– purely out of muscle memory– picking up Miyako, going to put her in her crib, he excitedly pointed towards their bookshelf and said, “I swear, I was just reading about them the other day. Did you know that a lot of creatures, or, ‘races’ is how some of the beings in the books are referenced, and I get the sense that the writer considered some races ‘people’ and others ‘creatures’ and I don’t know if I agree with their definition… but that’s beside the point.”

Shuichi headed over to the bookcase, Maki now still talking, but her voice silenced. Looking over to the space Kokichi was, an earnest, uncomfortable look on her face as the two discussed something difficult. Pulling out the book of supernatural beings, Shuichi placed it open on the desk and started quickly ruffling through it, looking for the second of orcs… “There, there! So, like I was saying, a lot of creatures, sorry, races… I really feel like calling them ‘creatures’ is a problem, I have to get it out of my head. But a lot of races have these not only environmental, but elemental differences? Humans apparently have it too, but it’s more obvious on orcs because they literally look like their environments, and are magically emboldened by the strongest elemental presence of the area… mountain orcs, valley orcs, river orcs… they all develop to blend into their environment… did you know not all dragons breathe fire? I think Maki is specifically a fire dragon…”

Shuichi blinked, showing Kokichi the lines on the pages proving his point about the environments effects on different races, and he adjusted his hat, looking a little sheepish. “Sorry. I’ve been doing a lot of studying lately, and I just don’t have a good reason to bring it up when we’re awake. I got excited…you said you came by for a reason?”

Kokichi had expected Shuuichi to show some sort of excitement--because he met an orc, how cool is that?!--but he wasn’t expecting Shuuichi to totally nerd out, almost rivaling Kaito with how animated and impassioned he got. It was really cute…

He should’ve known Shuuichi would be taken with the magic folk book he got, especially knowing that the concepts, if not just the whole thing, was true. 

Grinning wide and adoringly as he joined Shuuichi at the desk. “She’s a mountain orc--her name is Madam Zalai, and she’s an Empath too. She’s…she’s like a renown, exalted healer among her people to the point of being…the equivalent of nobility, Alter Ego said. After meeting her, I can see why…”

Kokichi giggled a little, his voice going a little dreamy before he pressed affectionately against Shuuichi’s arm. “So…I’ve decided to push myself to remember all this when I’m awake--not just waiting around for it to happen eventually anymore. That’s why Alter Ego and I went to visit Madam Zalai; we were hoping she’d have some advice for me.”

“And…she did.” Kokichi’s smile calmed a bit, still determined, but…honestly a little embarrassed now that it all had time to sink in. “If I’ve tried to remember, but I can’t? Then…it’s cause I’m still stopping myself. But I don’t realize I’m doing it, so…I need to be more honest with myself. And to do that…she suggested making a meditation space for myself. And having people I trust contribute to its construction.”

Shuichi practically glowed at this new information, deeply interested– he was taking it upon himself to learn as much about supernatural things as he could, in hopes it’d help him anticipate things Kokichi might need–  but at the reason Kokichi needed him…

“That’s a big step.” Shuichi murmured at first, before saying clearer, “A meditation space… in the real world? Or… something like this?” Shuichi asked, gesturing to the room around them. “Somewhere in your mind? Does it work like that? Can you make spaces on purpose, like how Kaito was wondering those haunted hallways?”

“In my mind, yeah,” Kokichi nodded, giving his boyfriend another soft look. “Kaito’s hallways were…more of a dream, though he does have a few more permanent areas in his mind--as do you. As an Empath, I can be more purposeful about making them--you saw my lobby, right? The circus? I made the “set”, you could call it, but I also made its purpose--it keeps people from getting deeper into my mind.”

“Ideally, the space will… A space where I can be calm, and I know I’m safe, but…’isn’t caught up in the clutter of my comfort spaces’, she described it. A place where it’ll feel important to focus. And, uh…” Kokichi laughed, embarrassed. “You don’t have to worry about the actual “construction” of it, Alter Ego’s gonna help me make it. But…they’re gonna imbue the space with a sense of “importance”. As in…that I’m important.”

Again, Kokichi nudged Shuuichi with affection. “Just…I trust you, and you know me. You can have time to think about it, but…just any ideas about a setting or elements to include or…feelings, even. I would appreciate it.”

“Oh, um…” Shuichi frowned, adjusting his hat a little, “...I’m not terribly creative… I mean, obviously I can try. Symbols to meditate with? Um… gardens are important to you, and so is the circus… but if the goal is to not fill it with comfort items, umm… a place where it’ll feel important to focus… maybe some aspect of your office? No, this is meant to be a meditation room, your office will make you think of work…”

Shuichi put his hand over his mouth, thinking… “When do you need this by and who else are you asking? Maybe I can talk to them about it tomorrow, brainstorm?”

Shuuichi was much more creative than he gave himself credit for. And his brainstorming already was showing a great deal of care and thought. Kokichi really loved him…

“I’m stopping by to talk to Maki-chan and Kai-chan tonight, and Alter Ego is asking Ikuo--originally we were gonna come by to let you guys know I’m trying to remember, but…you’re all the people I’d want helping me with the meditation space too,” Kokichi explained, smiling lovingly at his boyfriend. “Alter Ego and I were gonna meet back up tomorrow to start putting it together, but…literally any time you have an idea, we’d probably be able to add it in. I’m just…”

He sighed, leaning on the desk. “...I’m so tired of…having two versions of myself. One that doesn’t have any idea about such a huge part of myself, and the world, and the other that…can’t talk to you guys properly whenever I want. It feels the same if I hold your hand here, but…I want to be able to do it physically too. Even if I am able to talk to you with consciousness, there’s still such…an imbalance about doing things mentally. And I don’t like it…”

Shuichi’s, again, eyes widened… before they calmed. Taking Kokichi’s hands in his and squeezing them idly, looking down at Kokichi in concern, “I mean, I want that for you. And so long as you’re ready, then of course I support you, and I’ll do whatever I can to make it easier… that said. Kaito? Have you decided to tell him tonight, then? That’s… a big conversation. I’ll be honest, I thought you were waiting specifically to have us as backup… are you going to be okay to have that conversation with him alone?”

He knew he’d worded it that way, but…still, Kokichi wasn’t ready. 

He sighed, looking…defeated almost before he shook his head, squeezing Shuuichi’s hands back. It really did feel real. “He deserves to know. He should’ve known months ago…I wish I could’ve told all of you. But…no. I’m not going to tell him tonight. I’m going over to talk with a memory projection--how we used to talk with you and Maki-chan before Temp told you. It’s like…a version of yourself in a dream you won’t remember, even if you might feel an inkling of it.”

“...I want to tell him,” Kokichi said in a hush, his voice straining slightly. “We promised no more big secrets… And at this point, wanting to be able to tell him in the physical world just…feels like a lame excuse. Not when you guys already know.”

“To be fair, Maki turned into a dragon and a part of her now lives in our daughters head, so… Maki sort of had to know sooner than Kaito or I did.” Shuichi mused, glancing down at his friend, Maki sighing and sitting up, at the part of the memory where she offered to go get snacks for them while Shuichi dealt with a dirty diaper. “Being responsible for our daughter not being mentally invaded by a legion of genocidal plant people is… the sort of thing you should let someone know they’re doing.”

“As for me? The way I hear it, I basically made you tell me… the point I suppose I’m trying to make is you didn’t single Kaito out to not know. It just sort of worked out that way, it seems. I’m sure Kaito will understand how difficult this has been to talk about. It’s been a process.”

“If you’re not ready to even face it yourself? It’s understandable you’d struggle to tell Kaito.” Shuichi said… before softly laughing, “Though, I’m a hypocrite to say so. Again, I basically twisted your arm to tell me before you were ready. It’s a complicated situation.”

Well…Kokichi hadn’t even told Maki. She had just gone with Shuuichi when he talked to Temp. She did deserve to know too, and that’s why he did tell her about the dragon stuff, but…she still knew before Kokichi had even been able to make plans to tell Kaito. 

…technically he had told Kaito, by telling Akane, but…that wasn’t much better than talking to Kaito in a dream. And it was a mean defense to insist that it was. 

Sighing deeply, Kokichi flopped his head onto Shuuichi’s shoulder. “It’s so complicated. Why is it so complicated? This sucks…”

“...will you back me up, when I do tell him, that I’ve wanted to tell him for months?” That was Madam Zalai’s point, that ‘wanting’ and ‘doing’ were different things, but…he still wanted Kaito to know that he had wanted to. Even if it still hurt. 

And it was going to hurt him. No matter how Kokichi approached it, Kaito was going to feel hurt that he was left out of such a big matter. Kokichi just hoped that he would be able to earn his forgiveness. 

“I’ll back you up.” Shuichi promised, “You have wanted to tell him. Kaito will understand, I’m certain… and if he doesn’t, well… he’ll get over it. He can pout for awhile if he really wants too, but eventually he’ll see reason. He’ll see how hard this has been for you. I trust that.”

Rubbing Kokichi’s back with the tip of his fingertips, Shuichi placed a small kiss against Kokichi’s head, “I’ll talk to Maki and perhaps Ikou about your meditation room design. You can incorporate anything that works for you into whatever you and Kaito and Alter Ego come up with. This is a big step, and honestly? Every bit of this process needs to be about you. You’re the one trying to cope with super powers… we’re just supporting that.”

Sure, Shuichi and Maki were also trying to cope with the idea that magic and the gods and all of that were real and… they were still not entirely certain what the god thing meant, afterlife wise, cause like… Atua wasn’t actually a creator god. There was no way. What did that even mean?? What did it actually mean to worship a whore god?? Were the trials real??

But after discussing it a bit with Maki… the decision the two had come too eventually was that it was like learning anything else new in life. Once you got over the shock, you just had to roll with it. First discovering how royalty actually lived through Kaito. Then discovering what life was like outside of the capital. Then life outside of the country. And now life, uh… outside of their concepts of reality. 

It escalated, sure, but… culture shock was culture shock. They dealt with it once, they could do it again.

Kokichi sighed. “...I don’t want him to just ‘get over it’. I mean, of course I don’t want this to be, like…the thing that ends our relationship, or makes him hate me forever, but… It’s a big secret I’m keeping from him, even if it isn’t meant to single him out. He deserves to be hurt and mad about it. I would be in his position. I just…want to be able to explain myself.”

It was a nice idea, that all this was just about him, but… Kokichi shook his head. “I’ll always appreciate your support, but…you’re also coping with a loved one that has super powers.” Technically a few. “It’s different, but it’s still worth consideration and support. For all of you. It’s like what we talked about in therapy…it’s a conversation we all need to have, and discuss from all our points of view.”

“Not to mention…everything that comes with that.” Kokichi couldn’t help the deep sigh that escaped him. Leaning back a little, he gave Shuuichi a small, sympathetic smile. “I know for a long time that’s why I didn’t bother looking into how to remember. It’s a lot easier, out there, to just…not have to deal with the implications of everything. But…I’m ready to try and face it now. You and Maki-chan are already doing it.”

“I’ve only had one existential panic attack about it… two?” Shuichi said, brow furrowing as he tried to remember, “...maybe it was two. I know I was by myself with just Maki for one of them, but she handled it. My point is, when waking you does remember? I will be able to sympathise with any and all existential terror. I am only maybe… fifteen minutes ahead of you, existential panic attack wise. I can lead the way.” Shuichi said soundly, giving Kokichi a hug, “Listen to your elders. I am full of wisdom.”

Kokichi snuggled into the hug, enjoying the embrace…and not mentioning the few existential breakdowns he’d already had, not even having to contend with reality yet. “Shuu-chan is the wisest. I listen to him all the time.”

“Mm…there was one other thing I wanted to talk to you about…and I can’t really draw it out and snuggle with you more since I don’t wanna be absolutely dead tomorrow,” Kokichi sighed, rubbing his cheek into Shuuichi’s shoulder. “It’s…basically an Empath mail system.”

“If I have something to tell you, but I can’t make the visit for whatever reason…or I just don’t wanna bother you from sleep, I can send you a message of intent,” Kokichi explained, not parting from his boyfriend. “I’ve…done it accidentally with Kai-chan, so I think it’s just…you suddenly knowing something. It’s not something I think I’d do much, but I wanted to explain it to you before I do so you’re not caught off guard.”

“Suddenly knowing something…” Shuichi’s mouth crunched, looking confused, before saying, “I think you’ve sent me a message like that before, but I don’t think I understood what it was. I don’t remember what it was, but I think it was some sort of image I was just… aware of. But, okay… could you show me? Or give me an example, so I know what I’m looking for?”

That did make Kokichi look up at Shuuichi in surprise. It was entirely possible he’d sent intent to Shuuichi before, but…nothing was coming to mind. Whoops. 

Nodding, Kokichi thought for a moment about what to send Shuuichi…before he grinned wide. 

{Love}

Sometimes words simply couldn’t describe the whole of something. But…here, Kokichi had the unique gift to accurately share the depth of his feelings with his boyfriend. Nothing lost in translation. 

For the third time, Shuichi’s eyes widened… before, a little overwhelmed, he pulled his hat down over his face, before holding Kokichi tightly.

He held him there for awhile, just gripping him close… before he laughed softly. “Well, if I ever needed proof I’m not a game to you…” he sighed softly, staring with watery eyes into the darkness of his cap, “What a gift you have…I wish I could say anything like that to you. There’s nothing equivalent… I love you too.”

Kokichi grinned into the tight embrace, that same feeling he’d shared with Shuuichi welling up in his heart. Having Empathy was a great responsibility. But…things like being able to share a precious memory between friends, or being able to show a loved one exactly how you felt… It was a gift. In moments like these, he could never feel like it was a curse, or that he was marred for what he was. 

“You say it all the time, Shuu-chan,” Kokichi said, kissing Shuuichi’s shoulder. “The first time you did say it, when I hadn’t been expecting your feelings back. When we convince each other to stay in bed a little longer. When we eat sweets together or you hold my hand while you listen to me get something off my chest… It might not be all at once, but you say it a lot too. I love you.”

…how was he supposed to leave and talk to Maki now? 

…just a few more moments…

-

Maki was holding an egg, and it was very important that she get to the top of the mountain with it.

Which was a bummer, because there were apparently some damn fucking yeti’s and white wolf packs on this damn fucking mountain that really wanted to break her egg. And while normally she’d just fly over them, easy-peasy, they had their stupid fucking archers with their god damned runes waiting for her to take flight, so that was a no go… she’d just have to scale the mountainside and…

(...fly?)

Maki looked at her fingers, deep in thick, fur lined gloves and still chilled to their bone as she climbed up the sheer rockside of the snow-covered mountain. Her muscles had started trembling ages ago, but letting go meant she and the egg were gonna end up splat at the bottom of her last resting spot, which was about thirty feet ago, and there was another resting point she could see maybe… maybe ten more feet up? Maybe fifteen… it was hard to tell…

It didn’t matter which one it was. She still had to fucking get up there.

It didn’t help that the damn egg was apparently Jaime (maybe… two or three? Jaime had been a small kid. Premie.) and this kid had never been good at shutting his damn mouth up when it was time to keep quiet and keep his head low.

“What about Tyrone, big sis?” Jaime the egg asked again, clutching to her neck as Maki winced, almost missing the next foothold by an inch. Careful… careful… this isn’t a game, you won’t survive the fall… neither will he…

“I’m going back for him after. He’s fine.” Maki lied, her chest tightening as she did so. Deal or no deal, she knew she wasn’t going to be able to actually get all the eggs to the strongholds. There was one of her with no reliable allies, and the plant-fuckers had… fuck, it felt like everyone on their side… Tyrone was stronger, smarter, able to keep quiet when needed, and Maki had left him on the bottom of the mountain hoping he might be able to last long enough for her to get back to him.

Knowing she had to leave one of them behind? That was the best compromise she could make with herself. Tyrone had a chance and Jaime didn’t. Jaime had to go first. Tyrone just had to hide from wolves… and yetis… and humans with their bows and arrows…

…fuck. Maki tried to move faster, growling to Jaime, “Stop moving. And shut up. We’re almost there… we’re almost there…”

They weren’t. But Maki had to tell herself they were. Ten feet. Maybe fifteen. Just keep climbing till you get to the next safe spot, and don’t think about everyone you’ve already had to leave behind… keep climbing….

…it wasn’t his job to make sure everyone had nice dreams. He couldn’t come over every time someone had a nightmare and soothe it over. But Kokichi was here anyway and…he didn’t think it would be bad if he helped out. 

It was harder to hit a Roc than a dragon. 

Resting on the foot of the great bird, Kokichi spoke quietly, just enough to be heard over the wingflaps. “Tell me what needs to happen, Maki-chan. I’ve got your back.”

He wasn’t entirely sure what this dream was about, but the feelings of stress and danger and desperation were thick in the mindscape and… He could just bring her somewhere else. She’d probably be annoyed with him for playing along. But it felt wrong to rip someone from a dream, even if it was a bad one. Like he’d be more of a Baku than an Empath.

Maki was, briefly, very surprised to see Kokichi on a Roc. Frankly, she was surprised to see a Roc, those fuckers were keeping their heads down during all of this (...all of what?) and while she understood, she still resented that they could. So much for ‘birds of a feather’.

But this Roc was here, and so was Kokichi, and Maki was, if nothing else, good at thinking through an emergency as she leapt from her hold on the mountainside, trusting Jaime to hold on as she grabbed for the Roc’s other talon, balancing on it before, considering how fast Roc’s were, agile… she smirked, looking to Kokichi, “Tell it to go straight down. We got another passenger to pick up.”

Kokichi grinned at his friend before whistling to the Roc--they had had to bridge the language gap somehow, and those were sounds they could both make. And so they started to descend, going as quickly as they could without making it difficult to hold on. Considering Roc had outmaneuvered a giant, Empathetic panther, Kokichi didn’t think they’d be having any issues. 

“You made it a long way up,” Kokichi called over, observing the looming mountain as they went back to the bottom. He was used to the view of the ranges that surrounded Dicea, but still…this one seemed even bigger. “What’s at the top?”

“...” Maki realized she didn’t actually know. Physically, anyway. She just knew it was– “Safety.” She said, her red eyes peering at the area she had left him in and… “There! Right there! Dive!”

Arrows whistled by, the roc fast but not subtle. It didn’t matter, Maki kept her gaze focused, holding tightly to the leg as the bird dived, Tyrone watching them dive down towards him with eyes big as saucers. And because he was the clever one who stood a chance, Tyrone looked away from the wolves that had cornered him and– older than Jaime, Tyrone had been five when he had ended up in the orphanage– the kid went to the very edge of the cliff side, unafraid of falling as he reached up.

Maki grabbed him as they dove by, holding him tightly to herself as she shouted, “Alright! Get us to the top!”

When they landed at the very top of the mountain, it was impossible to see. The air was foggy and thick, the world around them almost a white void for a moment, the battle cries and whistling arrows silencing through the dense fog… and then, quietly, the world muted, the roc erupted up from the fog line, into clear, chilled air. 

There was a cave, at the top of the mountain. Not natural, carved by something, with runes outlining its entrance. There was the sound of laughter from within the caves. Laughter Maki recognized.

Waiting at the cave entrance, looking pleased at them as they landed, were Temp and Kaito. Jaime and Tyrone, now both eight (and yet, still eggs) hopped off the roc and, without a look backwards, ran to the cave entrance where Kaito met them, grinning as said to the two boys, “Alright, alright, come on now. Let’s head inside. Tim, make sure we have two more beds ready!” Kaito called, the three of them disappearing into the darkness of the cave.

Maki stepped forward to follow them, wanting to know what it was inside, but Temp stopped her. “Not yet.” He said to her gently, “Little by little, remember? There’s no hurry.”

“...there’s a bathul temple up on top of a snow covered mountain.” Maki remembered, looking around, “...I put something there…” she frowned, “...an egg… there’s an egg somewhere on a snow covered mountain… there’s an egg somewhere on a snow covered mountain…”

Maki peered at the cave, trying to remember which mountain. Where… what kind of egg? There was a…

Maki let out a breath, and the dream faded around her… and she looked back to Kokichi. “...you’re overly sentimental, you know that?” She asked, pushing her hair behind her ear, “You could have just told me I was dreaming… I’m assuming that’s actually you, since you’re the only thing still here.”

Kokichi and Roc worked in tandem, observing and whistling to each other, at one point coordinating a burst of wind magic to knock arrows off course that had gotten a little too close for comfort. It was…familiar. Sure, Kokichi had spent hours fantasizing about this, which was why he had been able to conjure up Roc in the first place, but…

(Vander wasn’t the type to toil away bringing people together--he wasn’t the old king. But people gathered around him nonetheless, because while he wouldn’t force anyone to be anywhere, Vander took care of people, and he did it well. 

And ‘people’ included magic folk too, not just his feathered friend. 

He hadn’t been alive to see Lydie’s campaign. His proud protege had never been able to connect to people well, but they had rallied to her cry, humans for once able to fight back against cruel wolf packs and conniving fairies and the emboldened Flora. Humans had no special powers as a race, but they had numbers, and they were finally standing up, refusing to cower and hide any longer. Refusing to be enslaved. 

And hearing that determination, for once, the gods acted. No magic folk could congregate in Dicea any longer, their influence and abilities weakened. 

Vander would’ve understood, but…he would’ve been so disappointed. A great portion of the world shut away for the majority’s protection. And it took until Fuse to decide they were done hiding.)

As they got to the top, Kokichi watched with amusement and surprise as Kaito and Temp gathered the kids. A dream Temp, not the real thing…but that made sense as Maki tried to follow. He was the closest likeness to Bathul any of them had seen, after all. 

“I knew you’d say that,” Kokichi chuckled as the cave faded away, Maki giving him an unimpressed look. “But I don’t like disturbing people from their dreams if I can help it… Is Temp in your dreams a lot?”

“No. First time.” Maki said, stretching her arms over her head, no longer wearing the winter clothing she had been bundled in for the dream, “Never gotten up the mountain before. I usually wake up before I finish the climb. Always with a different kid… I think Miyako was the egg once, and looking back? It might have been Miyako.” She realized, looking around the dark void of her sleep. “The dream was weirdly unfocused that time. It was mostly just me feeding her. Tell your baby if she's hungry, to just wake up and shout for you guys, what am I supposed to do for her in my dreams?”

Looking around the void, Maki frowned, deciding this was a bummer. After a moment, the area shifted, and they were in the small space of Maki’s old room in the Luminary castle, breeze blowing through the tabards outside, Maki going to the bed to flop herself onto the massive red pillow she loved as she gestured to the rest of the single person bed, “I have a stool in the corner, but you’re welcome to sit on the bed. Make yourself at home. Why the visit? Everything alright?”

Kokichi sighed. “I will, but…yeah. If she’s gonna be anything like me, and it already looks like it, her abilities are just…an extension of her, you know? So if she wants something, reaching out with her mind is going to be just as natural as reaching out with her arm. It’s…going to be a process, teaching her about privacy.”

Smiling a little as Maki changed the scenery (she had the growing abilities of a dragon, but she wasn’t an Empath), Kokichi eagerly climbed on her bed, crossing his legs. “Things are okay, nothing bad’s happened, but I had some stuff I wanted to pass along.”

“First,” he started, holding a finger up, “I’m resolved to trying to make myself remember all this instead of waiting for it to happen eventually--since you and Shuu-chan are looking out for me in the physical world, I thought you should know. Second, if I need to give you guys quick messages, I’m going to start sending intent instead of coming and interrupting your dreams. It’s…basically a one-way, Empathetic mail service. So if you wake up and suddenly know something, that’s why.”

“Finally…” He’d been trying to keep things brief, knowing Maki appreciated it more, but he still faltered here a little. “...to help myself remember, my mentor, Alter Ego, took me to see this Empath who specializes in healing. She’s given me advice before, when I had my attack, so…I trust her expertise. And…she said that the reason I can’t remember, even after deciding so, is because there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to, and I’m not being fully honest with myself. So Alter Ego and I are making a meditation space for me in my mind…but it’ll work better with input from people I value and trust.”

Giving Maki a half-smile, Kokichi gave her a small nod. “So…if you have ideas for a space that would help me reflect and…well, we’re gonna, um, fill it with the intent of…people valuing my importance so…feelings will work too… I’d appreciate it. Shuu-chan said that he’s gonna wanna brainstorm with you tomorrow about it.”

“Two real world therapists and now a magical therapist, all shouting at us, ‘be honest with your feelings and put the work in’.” Maki sighed, hugging her pillow to herself, “Terrible. What did we do to have all these nosy women in our life. You know how many women I answered too back here?” Maki asked, waving her hand vaguely around her room, “None, cause Miss Kirigiri just talked to Mr. Nidai when she wanted to correct my behavior. Now I’m in Dicea and my world is filled with older women telling me what to do. It’s a catastrophe.”

Sighing, Maki sat up, looking to Kokichi as she rested her chin on the pillow, “Meditation room… so, a ‘sit and think about stuff’ room? What kind of things do you want in it?”

“It’s good advice,” Kokichi chuckled. “It’s just hard to put into practice. At least they’re all giving me different ways to explore how to do it. And, well, I asked for their help first. I can’t be that annoyed with someone giving me what I asked for.”

Sighing, Kokichi rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, I’m going to be working on it too, so I’m prolly gonna add stuff I want anyway, but Madam Zalai said people tend to ascribe more meaning to things that people give us, rather than things we decide for ourselves--like valuing a nickname. I don’t even think it counts as a nickname if you decide it for yourself…then it’s just a name. And she recommended it not being something that makes me comfortable. I should be able to feel safe and at rest, but…like, it can’t just be my room.”

“...honestly, the first thing that came to mind, before she recommended other people working on it, was that tree we climbed together, on our trip to the coast.”

“That was a very good tree.” Maki agreed, contemplating that as she said, “Alright… tree as a starting point. I can see that. Sure, I’ll help you design your ‘thinking’ room. Though, why do you need a meditation room to remember your abilities? Just do what I’m doing, apparently… have recurring stress dreams about things the weirdo ancestor in my head did apparently. What do you think the odds are that the dream is a one for one of some memory she had? The dragon, I mean. I thought dragons were supposed to be big, how does one ‘sneak’ up a mountain? …I guess you can still be pretty big and not be the actual size of a mountain.” Maki conceded, though she still looked fairly disappointed with that idea.

“It’s…more about getting around a mental block, than remembering something piecemeal, I think,” Kokichi hummed. “There are some things about my mind that are beyond my capabilities, even if I was at the experience levels of some of the more mastered Empaths I’ve met, but…things about my memory should be firmly under my control. If I say I’m ready to remember, but I still can’t? Then that means that I’m not really ready, and I’m not being honest about why. It’s more of a psychological thing, at this point…”

“...and in fairness, that mountain was really big,” Kokichi emphasized, leaning forward a little. “She could’ve been the size of some mountains, and that one’s just particularly huge--it would make sense for her to choose something a little grander to hide eggs at. Or for followers of Bathul to choose to make a temple there.”

That said, Kokichi leaned back with a sheepish grin. “...if I had to guess, though, from dreams I’ve seen… It could’ve been based on a memory, but the things you experienced are probably things you’re exaggerating or just making from fantasy entirely. The concept of ‘going up a mountain in a stressful environment’ was there, but you make the set dressing and…story elements, for lack of a better term, yourself.”

“Dreams are weird,” he shrugged.

“Whaaaaat?” Maki said dryly, “Are you trying to suggest that my ancestor didn’t fight an army of wolves and yetis and archers up a winter mountainside with various children strapped to her and Kaito apparently waiting with dinner in a death temple at a mountain top higher than the highest cloud line? What a loser. 0/10 dragon ancestor, what’s even the point of fulfilling her promised quest thing if she didn’t even do that much on her own?”

“...I wasn’t surprised to see Kaito at the top of the mountain.” Maki mused. “I didn’t know what was going to be up there before we got there. Temp and the cave and the children surprised me. Kaito didn’t. Hm… you’re right.” She sighed, “Dreams are weird.”

Then she suddenly narrowed her eyes, and looked over to Kokichi, “What time is it? Have you even slept yet? I laid off because I felt responsible last time, but if you give yourself another crippling migraine, I’m gonna make you poke a new earring into Kaito, I don’t care that you won’t know why I’m mad.”

Kokichi snorted. Honestly, some of that too might’ve been true. But not the Kaito stuff. That was all Maki. 

And speaking of Kaito…

Pouting at Maki, Kokichi turned away, knowing quite well it was faaaaaaar past his bedtime. “I’m not gonna give myself a migraine. Talking with you guys one at a time is something I can do easily--I just…got ahead of myself last time. But you’re not the only person holding me accountable to stay within my capabilities…”

“...I’ll sleep soon, but I have another stop to make tonight. I’ll leave you to it for now, though.” Getting up from her bed, Kokichi gave his friend a grin. “Hey, tell me when you make it inside the temple. I’m curious too.”

Maki gave him a lazy thumbs up. “Will do. I’m gonna be really annoyed if the next time I have that dream a roc doesn’t show up to fly me up. I get that probably didn’t actually happen, but what does it matter what actually happened, just skip to the end bit and show me the temple. Honestly.”

And, because she wasn’t oblivious, she said, leaning against her massive red pillow and closing her eyes, clearly intending to go ‘back’ to sleep when he left, “Have fun visiting Kaito.”

-

There was a considerable amount of giggling, as Miyako– a little older, but not much, more just how Kaito liked to imagine her in the upcoming year, when she could lift her head and enjoyed things a little more– splashed the muddy sand between her legs, looking increasingly delighted as the tide and waves kept refilling her small pool, before the water sunk into the sand.

Off in the distance, Timothy was throwing a frisby for Chase, Kaito glancing up at him every now and again just to make sure the two weren’t wandering off too far. Kaito was just having a day out with his kids. It was calm and fun and easy, and he loved watching Miyako’s happy little wiggling body, every time the wave came in. “We’ll get you swimming before you know it, sweetbun. Look at that, see all that?” Kaito asked, pointing to the ocean, as another small wave crashed into Miyako sand-hole. Miyako giggling and thrilled at the new flood around her small body, “That’s a whole wide world, just waiting for Miyako. When you’re ready to go see it? Everyone’s gonna be so excited for you. You just have to be careful when you go… you come from conquerors, did you know that? Conquerors and god creators and rulers. Your inheritance is strong, which means you’ll have to be gentle. My good Miyako…”

Kokichi was a little more careful going to Kaito than he had been going to Shuuichi or Maki. He…wasn’t sure if it would work, since he had tried to design it one-way, but he tried sending a little intent through his bond with Saint Madison, giving her a heads up before he landed on sand. 

Ah…he was glad he wasn’t planning on interrupting this dream. He knew it was unlikely that Kaito was always having nightmares, but…he still thought Kaito deserved every good dream he could get. Maybe it’d help him sleep through the night. 

Instead of making a memory figment immediately, Kokichi waited for a moment, ready to explain and prove himself to Saint Madison. Kaito’s mind was his own, not a playground, but he didn’t deserve to be left out of family matters either, even if Kokichi couldn’t talk to him directly. And…maybe it really was just his own cowardice, but Kokichi believed that Kaito deserved a better explanation than a dream interruption. 

The vines around his ankles were basically routine, by this point.

Kaito didn’t notice as Kokichi landed, and he didn’t notice his husband suddenly disappear either, pulled down into the sands. After another painless but rough trip, Saint Madison was waiting, arms crossed, foot tapping, in what looked like a seemingly random Luminary street, three massive, growling black dogs snarling around her as she said, “Back again? What’s the excuse this time?”

For once, Kokichi stood tall against the warrior, confident in his own reasoning. “I’m working on a way to keep my memories when I’m awake. To do it, I’m getting input from my family…and I’m tired of Kai-chan being left out of these things. He’s my partner just as much as Shuu-chan is, and he’s my friend just as much as Maki-chan is. I hate having to keep this secret from him, but…this is the process of being able to tell him.”

“...I’m not gonna disturb him. I’ll make a memory representation, ask what I have to, then go. Nothing more.”

Madison considered him… according to her barriers, empaths were allowed to visit casually so long as it was to Kaito’s benefit in some way, especially health wise. Keeping his family unit coherent was good for his mental health, could help with the endless stress dreams, which would help with his deteriorating physical state. Okay… “We still need to ask his permission. If he says no, you’re out. Otherwise? Agreed. But if you put Kaito through any mental damage, the dogs will come for you… they’re very good boys like that.” 

Madison patted the nearest dogs head, who gave her a big, dopey look. “Such good mental defenses. Yes, you are. Yes you are.”

Kokichi, very admirably, didn’t break out into a huge grin at that. So cute… “I can more than accept those terms. …if he says no, I would like to be able to leave through my own power, though. I’ve already been shoved once tonight.”

Taking a breath and drawing on the lessons he had--don’t summon Chibi Kaito, don’t summon Chibi Kaito--Kokichi pulled Kaito’s form from his memories, finding it easier since, well, this was Kaito. Kokichi knew that he’d probably get good ideas by making his own projection in his own mind--he liked to think he knew his husband pretty well. 

But he didn’t know him perfectly. And just…going around him, relying on the idea of Kaito…it was the kind of lack of agency he knew was really hurting his husband right now. Talking to a projection wasn’t the same as asking directly, but it was damn near close. 

Smiling up at his husband--wearing the clothes he’d had on that day--Kokichi asked, “Kai-chan, I wanna ask for your input about some Empath stuff. Is it alright to talk for a bit, like this?”

“...” Kaito took a second to register combining everything Kaito knew and everything Kokichi knew, trying to mix and meld in a way that the figment could hold onto… before grinning at Kokichi, “Oh, wow! A…” Kaito’s face twitched uncertainly for a second, trying to comprehend… “... ‘thinking’ room? Why does Maki want a thinking room? Wait… okay, pretend I know nothing. Except for the empath stuff, and that you’re my husband and all that good stuff. What am I helping you with, beautiful?”

As Kaito asked this, he looked around curiously at the street they were on, before offering Kokichi his hand, wordlessly offering to go for a walk as they talked.

Well…that seemed like a yes. 

Taking Kaito’s hand, Kokichi offered Saint Madison a small smile before starting off on a walk with his husband. And…he didn’t have to be brief, with Kaito. The two of them were ramblers through and through, even when they probably shouldn’t be. Sighing softly, he squeezed Kaito’s hand softly. “...I want to tell you about the Empath stuff so bad. I have for months. With Shuu-chan’s deal, and then Maki-chan finding out then too…it makes me feel like shit that you’re the only one who doesn’t know. I don’t want to keep secrets from you…”

Another sigh. “...but I’ll plead forgiveness when I tell you for real. For now…I’m trying to get to that part.”

“I went to go see this Empath healer tonight…” Feeling a tangent, Kokichi looked up, grinning excitedly up at his husband. “Kai-chan, she’s the most elegant person I’ve ever met…she’s really incredible. But…she pointed out the reason I can’t remember is ‘cause I’m still keeping it to myself. So…I need a dedicated space to be honest with myself. ‘M askin’ Shuu-chan and Maki-chan and my dad to help too…just getting ideas for it. And…putting in their views to make a sense of importance in it. Like…that I’m important.”

Kokichi scrunched his nose. “...it was embarrassing when she pointed it out, but saying it so much tonight…it feels weird. Self-centered to…like a narcissistic degree.”

“Hmmm… giant rock people… it’s not that I’m not interested, I just… how would that work…” Kaito mused, considering Kokichi’s (vague) memory of the mountain orc. He agrees, she was very elegant, and Kaito found that pretty sexy… rock on skin though… eh, maybe if he was on top… squeezing Kokichi’s hand, he said, “Yeah, not telling me is kinda shitty, babe, not gonna lie… but, I mean…” Kaito shrugged. “Oh well. We’ll figure it out. You don’t need my forgiveness, but when I’m, like… ‘me’ again? And you ask for it? I’m sure it’ll be okay. You’re dealing with a lot.”

Idly bringing Kokichi’s hand up to kiss at the back of his hand, before kissing his pinky as well, he chuckled lightly at Kokichi’s embarrassed confession, “You are important, beautiful, and it’s good that you have so many people in your life ready to tell you that. And a space meant to remind you of that? I dig it. Everyone needs a place or way to feel a little narcissistic sometimes. I think so anyway… it’s hard to give people the best of yourself if you’re not aware of what the best parts are. And it’s hard to see all the awesome ways we can be there for people if we spend all our time putting ourselves down and undermining our own skills and talents, ya know? Being our best selves requires a little bit of ego. Heh, even a lot of ego.”

“Besides! Your birthday is coming soon! This month, right?” Kaito grinned, pulling Kokichi’s closer to his side, kissing the top of his head, “This is the month to be ‘hurray Kokichi’! It’s what I want this month to be for you. You and Tim. My amazing guys… I’d love more excuses to celebrate you.”

“But you’re dealing with a lot too…” Kokichi muttered, just barely rehashing his conversation with Shuuichi earlier. He did want forgiveness. He didn’t want Kaito to hate him for keeping him in the dark. But…he knew how shitty it was, in general and specifically for Kaito. And he just…didn’t want Kaito to have to shelve that hurt and anger because it was Kokichi. 

…but maybe he did have to give himself a little more credit. If people kept saying it, then…

Kokichi smiled up at his husband, blushing lightly at the kisses. “You’re so wise… You can only give people your best when you know what it is, huh?” That was…the first time he’d ever heard it explained that way. But it made perfect sense. 

He’d put in a lot of work, stopping his self-deprecation and believing he was more than a burden. But…there was more to do, than just bringing himself back to zero, when it came to ego. Maybe he really did have to look inward more…

…birthday?

Blinking in surprise, Kokichi had to consult his mental calendar before he realized it. “...oh. It is coming up, isn’t it…” Pressing to Kaito’s side, Kokichi smiled. “My first birthday I get to spend with you… Honestly, most days together feel like a celebration already. Thoooooough, we will get to eat yummy, gooey cinnamon rolls for breakfast! And that makes everything more special.”

“Ha.” Kaito grinned, rubbing the back of Kokichi’s neck, scratching at the nape of Kokichi’s neck as he said, “I’m a little worried I won’t think of something fun to do for your birthday, but there is something humbling and reassuring knowing that no matter what I do, you’ll be happiest and most excited for your cinnamon rolls.”

Kaito watched as a few lizards crossed their path, darting and skirting across the dirt covered path. Mmmm… tasty. Kaito chuckled at his line of thought, self aware enough to know it was ridiculous that was where his mind went. Kaito was a weirdo. Was he allowed to think of himself in the third point of view like that? He wasn’t quite Kaito, his knowledge from Kokichi told him so, but he felt like himself and, from Kaito’s side of himself, knew he basically was. Just with ‘extra stuff’.

And, with that in mind, he said cheerfully, “And yes, babe, I am very wise, thank you. At least in some respects. You want the best out of people? Usually giving them the confidence to do stuff is a really important step. When you finally get confident in your work, babe? It’s gonna be incredible what you’ll do. I’m really excited to see what you’ll do. It’s gonna be world changing… more~” Kaito grinned, giving Kokichi a wink, “Then the world changing stuff you’re already doing, I mean. This is just you at twenty. Holy shit… the world’s not ready for you, babe. It’s gonna be astounding.”

Kokichi laughed softly. “You don’t have to plan anything for me, hun. Knowing me, I’ll be busy enough planning for Zenith and taking care of Miya that I’ll probably forget until it’s breakfast. Just…getting to spend the day with you means the day’s gonna be special.”

And it would be. For the first time in years, Kokichi was going to be able to spend his birthday with his family. He had a healing relationship with his father, his dad was back, he acknowledged the love he had for his siblings, and the love they had for him, and…he had a handful of new family to spend it with too. Simply having a good day with them meant it was going to be a wonderful birthday. 

…Kaito was gonna lose it when he told him everything. 

Flushing, Kokichi could only shrug a bit, hiding his face against Kaito’s arm. “I just…wanna help people. I just happen to be weird enough to find a crazy way of doing it.”

“What’s weird about it? It’s…” Kaito’s brow furrowed, trying to comprehend Kokichi’s information. “...it’s just offering people room to be themselves. Other people put all these… things. In our heads. And you’re going in behind them, putting a wall between them and the thing that was hurting them. Defending and protecting people with the advantages you were given, using your gifts in service of people. That’s the whole point, isn’t it? Of being in charge? I’m not surprised that within six months of finding out what you had, you figured out how to give it to other people. That’s just so…” Kaito laughed, “‘Ouma’ of you. Very in character, for my ‘Kichi.”

“Speaking of… okay!” Kaito said, stopping and letting go of Kokichi’s hand, putting his hands on his hips and grinning fiercely down at him, a determined look on his face, “I don’t get to be part of brainstorming sessions later, so I gotta use the time I can to help as much as I can! And I don’t want to keep you awake all night, beautiful, you need your rest for our Miya in the morning. And also to put up with my kisses and affections and stuff, you get way less kissy when you’re too tired, it’s tragic. Has to be avoided! So… how do I…”

Kaito looked around, a little more uncertain, “Can I just start making stuff or… I don’t feel like that’s a thing I can do. This place doesn’t feel under my control. How do I help you design a room?”

It wasn’t that what he was doing, helping break people’s conditioning, was weird. It was…kind of a miracle, honestly. It was just…being an Empath in the first place, and then being one so strong that most people could barely fathom it was weird. It wasn’t bad. Just unusual. And maybe some days he’d have more insecurities about it, worry about accidentally hurting people because he didn’t know his own strength, but…he could do brilliant, wonderful things with his gift, and he wouldn’t trade it away. Not for anything. 

…he couldn’t wait for the day he could show Kaito his love like he had for Shuuichi. 

Groaning a little more in flattered embarrassment, Kokichi only showed his face because Kaito stepped away. But he had a point. Kokichi couldn’t be dead tired for his shift in the morning, so they had to be efficient. 

This Kaito wasn’t the surface consciousness, so he couldn’t change things at will, but…he was still Kaito. There were some things he could do. 

“...you’re really good at making models. Why don’t we start making a model room together?” Kokichi…had an idea about how to do that, but he hesitated, looking up at his husband. “...I was going to sift through your memories to get crafting things. It doesn’t mean I see the memories or anything, but still…would that be alright?”

“Oooooh, model time! Heck yeah! I knew one day my figurine and model skills would become useful.” Kaito half teased himself, half sincerely said, nodding enthusiastically, radiating confidence as he said, “And, sure babe. You being able to read through, or… see? Sort? You being able to go through my memories might take away some of my fun regalling you with random, vaguely relevant Kaito stories, but otherwise I don’t mind you knowing anything you like about myself. Well… okay, admittedly, with some restrictions, mostly for your own good… and my embarrassment. I know I talk about my sex life a lot, but man, I leave out a looot of embarrassing stories of your husband making an absolute idiot of himself… eh. But you’re not actually looking anyway, so…”

Kaito shrugged, grinning but looking a little ominous as he said, “You have my permission, ‘Kichi. Just be careful. I’d hate to have to fight off some big, dopey dogs on your behalf. Also, the vines thing? Terrifying. I think that’s a scary as fuck defense, honestly. Not a fan of you being ripped through the underground all the time. Do you want me to talk to Saint Madison?”

Kokichi shook his head a little. “I’d rather learn more about your past from you, not from digging around myself. Maybe someday we’ll be comfortable enough that you’ll ask me to take us to a particular memory so we can see it together, but…I don’t want to do anything in here without your consent. Anything I learn about you, I want it to be from you.”

“Pff, and no, the vines are fine,” Kokichi laughed fondly. “As unnerving as it is, I’m glad your defenses are working. I don’t want anyone to be able to waltz in here doin’ as they please.”

With permission granted, Kokichi reached out, finding relevant memories, quite like how Chibi Kaito did the same thing for him. Soon enough, they were standing at a small crafting table, various figurines and crafting supplies at the ready, though… “...I think you should just be able to grab something and…like. Mold it into what you want. You’re still you, and imagination rules in here. And then…I’ll do my best to share whatever we come up with with Alter Ego tomorrow.”

Kaito lit up at the crafting table, looking around the empty, gray and gold gradient around them, as he said, “Fascinating… as a painter, ‘Kichi, I gotta imagine you’ve been taking advantage of… well, this? The imagination aspect of this! Like… like planning out your paintings using 3d modeling in your dreams! Or, well, no, I guess you wouldn’t be… yet. We gotta get you to the point where you’d remember the models. Then you can plan out beautiful paintings in your mind, and get them on paper the next day. Alright…”

Considering his tools, and the small three walled box on the table, Kaito mused, gabbing one of the figurines– one of the half-naked fairies he liked to paint– and mindlessly, entirely idly, squishing it in his hands, bending and mushing it into paste, twisting and turning it like clay in his hands as he said, “So it’s… symbolism, right? That’s what sexy rock madam said? A room that lets you focus on yourself without cynicism. A romanticizing of the idea of self reflection… okay…”

Again, idly, hardly thinking about it or how he was doing it, Kaito took and pulled off little flecks of the clay, flicking them into the air above the box and watching them shape themselves into little five pointed stars as he said, “Your Kaito might be the sun, but you’re the Light of Dicea, and I’ve always thought that meant all the lights. Stars in the sky–”

Above them, dazzling and brilliant, stars began to litter the top of the void. Kaito didn’t notice them and didn’t look, focusing on the model as he said, “--a fading moon, a rising sun. A new dawn, with all the little pieces of our celestial sphere get to show themselves off… my ‘Kichi is a new dawn.”

Taking off bigger chunks of the model clay, Kaito put on one side of the box the warm light of a sun just starting to peek over the horizon, and on the other, a full moon, just touching down with it’s dark blues and soft oranges. Above them the stars, now contending with the other light sources, dimmed slightly, but Kaito mused, “Let’s make those a little bigger, it doesn’t have to be accurate,” and the universe above them became clearer, sharper. Constellations visible and clean in the rising sun.

“What do you think?” Kaito asked, “I feel like I’m biased, being the ‘space’ guy, so if that doesn’t feel like a good start, just let me know, ‘Kichi. We could make the borders something else, like… maybe waterfalls falling from the heavens or… I dunno? We have to find symbolism that’s important to you, that means something… would statues of all the previous Ouma’s looming over you be ‘motivating’ or ‘kinda creepy’, I could see it going either way…”

“Ooooooooh,” Kokichi breathed, his eyes going wide. “I hadn’t thought about that. That would make drafting and thumbnailing so much easier. And there’s so many things I’ve seen that I wanna paint… After I cope with remembering everything, and I tell you, I’m gonna have such a burst of inspiration.”

It was something other Empaths had mentioned to him, expressing their surprise that he hadn’t really used his gift for fun. His abilities had really scared him at the start, and it seemed so important to be able to control them better, to be able to protect himself, to protect others. And then once he found out Saint Madison’s effect on conditioning…then it was the most important thing to work on that. Then it became important to be able to shield their children from other Flora. 

But…maybe he could start using it more for fun. 

As Kaito got started, Kokichi’s eyes went wide, noticing the changes in the space around them. And…paired with the things Kaito was saying… Kokichi blushed deeply, his gaze awed at the scene his husband made. “Kai-chan…this is lovely…”

Rubbing his cheeks, Kokichi made himself look down at the model, considering the room. “...honestly, I think they’d be more de-motivating than anything… And I have no idea what most of them look like anyway. I just…”

He sighed, shoulders dropping. “...it’s getting better. I believe I’m going to do great things and be able to protect my people. But…the Ouma name, all the other leaders…it’s always felt like a legacy I have no hope of comparing to. They were all…either greatly beloved or incredible heroes or stalwart pioneers… There’s a reason people respect the name, and it’s because they’ve all been amazing. I know they were just people too, but…it’s intimidating.”

“I see, I see… what about aaaaa~” Kaito grinned, quickly molding the clay, faster and more deftly than he could ever do in real life, before making a generic, annoyed looking woman and, putting it down in the model, a large, life-like statue of a generic looking, annoyed woman grew from the ground to their right, glaring at Kokichi, “A statue of the false Ouma, uh… shoot, can’t remember her name. Not important, I guess. Just remember they kicked her out and she went off to make a baking business… I may have invented that last part. Statue of a shitty leader? And everytime you’re feeling insecure you can look at the statue and be like, ‘whelp, at least I’m not you’. Eh? Ehhhhhh?” He grinned, clearly having fun regardless of his insistence to not waste too much time.

Kokichi snorted. “I dunno if I’d really want a statue of Corrinne either. Maybe, like…a stressball with her face, but even that feels too mean. But…maybe I could have something small with the other Oumas. All good and bad. Try to remember better that they were all human too.”

Taking a small bit of figurine-clay, Kokichi added a small picture, almost looking like a class painting, of all the Oumas; some, like Aiichi, fully rendered, and others little more than indistinct shadows. Looking at it, though, Kokichi hummed. 

“Oh…I found out there was another Ouma like me. An Empath. Nellis…he’d be my…great-grandfather, of sorts.”

Kaito looked affectionately at Kokichi’s painting of the Ouma’s… and Akane reached out and fixed one of them a little. Got the face all wrong… there. There was the fucker. Alright. 

Looking over to Kokichi in surprise, he said, “Yeah? Nellis, huh… remind me about him when I’ll remember it, maybe if we looked him up a bit, looked into what he did as an Ouma, he can kinda show you some do’s and don’ts of being an Empath Ouma? Learn from our history, right? And there’s gooootttaaa be something about it written down somewhere, you guys write and save literally every random thing. His uses of his abilities gotta be out there somewhere.”

Taking off the statue he had made of Corrine, Kaito started to squish and mold it again as he said, “And you don’t have to be intimidated by your ancestors, babe… your lineage is a gift. A promise. You came from the same stuff they did, and they were able to do all those great things, so you can too. You’re not different from them, and you’re certainly not lesser. You’re just as smart, just as dedicated, and just as good as any of them. You’ll do amazing things too, when it’s your turn.”

Kaito knew there were caveats to that sort of thinking. And that those whose history’s were less grand or uplifting than being able to trace back all the leaders in your line wouldn’t find that super inspiring, but… he kinda thought that idea worked for anyone. With the right interpretations. And with certain ideas of what a ‘line’ meant. For instance, Addason’s genetic line was absolutely garbage, but as far as Kaito was concerned, that just meant Addason had plenty of room to show off in comparison to them. And besides, in the long run his line from Temp was going to be more important anyway, and Temp was charming, intelligent and compassionate. Addason had plenty to gain from his history, the good and the bad of it. History just proved the bare minimum that a person was capable of. Every new person had so much room to take what was there and improve, or do something entirely new.

Kaito, thinking about that, realized at some point that he was accidentally making a little Miyako figurine, and giving it a fond, somewhat sad look, squashed it back into clay. Focus. 

“Symbols, symbols… you told Maki you liked the idea of a tree. What about…” Kaito grabbed some more molding, and squishing it onto the base of the square, started to building up, and up, moving out branches that climbed, but didn’t obstruct the view, as below them the floor became wood, like a tree so large that the conjoining branches became a sort of natural room as Kaito cheerfully called it, “Like, a natural sorta tree house looking thing… but with no leaves. Maybe it’s just… oooh, maybe it’s early spring? Lean into that new beginnings theme again?” Kaito offered, and taking a small figurine paint brush, painting on little pink blooming blossoms and small white flowers springing into small, green leaves at the end of the branches. “You believe so much in second chances and life and rebirth, spring really does sorta seem like you all over. A spring dawn… in a big-ass tree.”

“Maybe…” Though Kokichi didn’t sound optimistic. “Being an Empath is supposed to be secret, yanno? I don’t know if he’d write stuff down about it. But…I don’t really know much about him, like, as a person, so…there might be something. That magic folk guide made it into the archive, after all.”

Again, Kokichi blushed as Kaito hyped him up, but the warmth in his chest made his smile true. All the other Oumas were just people too, and there wasn’t anything inherent to any of them that Kokichi was locked out from. Hell, being an Empath probably meant he had the potential to be even more capable! 

To be an Ouma was a promise, and it was a promise made up of five hundred years of people (mostly) holding true to it. He had chosen to uphold that promise just like the rest of them. And…that choice was what set them apart. 

He had the desire and the capabilities. Kokichi would do great things too. 

Kokichi leaned forward in interest as Kaito started molding up a tree. It was different than that evergreen at the very start of fall in the middle of the night, but…somehow, the vibe was spot on. A quiet, majestic space to talk and think and just…take in everything, and pay attention to it. All with a promise of new things…

“I love it,” Kokichi murmured, gently touching the branches and breathing in a woodsy, faintly floral scent. “This is perfect…”

Kaito grinned, proud of himself. It wasn’t much, just a tree and a nice morning sky, but at least it was a starting point for Kokichi and the others to play and build off of, as much as Kokichi wanted too. He helped! 

… Kaito went back to looking at the mold, trying to ignore the twist of sadness in his stomach. It was fine, they’d… tell him soon. Not just Kokichi, but Maki and Shuichi… his friends just couldn’t tell him yet because that wouldn’t be fair to Kokichi. They weren’t… they didn’t mean to exclude him. Like Shuichi told Kokichi (or was it Maki? The memory was recent but vague. Everything that came from Kokichi’s side sort of distant and dreamlike), this hadn’t been planned. It just just kinda happened this way. He didn’t have to feel left out.

“Symbols, symbols… I wish I knew more about Dicean traditions and superstitions. All I really know is the value you all put into gardens. I mean, we can cover this place in plant symbolism, but it might be better for you to do that, since I feel like I wouldn’t do it right, because I don’t understand… or, not that I don’t ‘understand’, but that symbolism of gardens doesn’t affect me the way it does you. I don’t have that personal history with plantlife, ya know?”

“But my symbols wouldn’t make any sense to you either, even if they have a lot of meaning to me… like, for instance.” Kato grinned, squishing some of the clay between his hands, and then opening them up, showing a clump of iron, “Iron is important in the Atuan religion. Can you guess why?”

…Kokichi sighed softly. 

“...I wanted to tell you first, when I was first thinking it was maybe okay to tell people,” Kokichi softly said. “I wanted you to be the first one to know…even if I was terrified that you’d hate me and think I was a demon. I know that doesn’t mean much since you weren’t, but…that’s what I wanted.”

Going around the table, Kokichi gently pressed his head to one of Kaito’s arms before looking at the iron model, thinking for a moment. “...iron is in blood? And since bloodletting is an important thing…that’s the connection?”

Symbols from others might hold more meaning, but ‘others’ meant culturally too. Kaito could’ve designed the most amazing temple for him, but while Kokichi might appreciate the aesthetics, it wouldn’t hold the same meaning as a holy place to him. Already Kaito had nailed the spring buds on the tree symbolizing growth and new beginnings, so he wasn’t totally separated from it, but…Kokichi might add some of his own pieces in. Maybe some of his family’s plants. 

“Ooooh, that’s good. Not the answer, but I love the symbology of it.” Kaito grinned, rolling the lump of iron around in his hand a little as he said, “But, no. Bloodletting is actually a practice we borrowed from a different religion that became sort of permanent for us. According to Miss Merry, before Atua revealed himself to be a creator god…” Kaito faltered, the iron stilling in his hand, Kokichi’s knowledge contradicting with Kaito’s… before he hesitantly went on, “Uh… before Atua was called a creator god, he was famous for borrowing and earning the blessings of other gods. His people were sick, so he went to the Goddess of Fertility and asked her to bless them with good health. And in thanks, we added an aspect of her worship, monthly bloodletting, to our own practices.”

“And the burning of the iron is, apparently, a Luminary/Atuan practice, cause Dicean Atuan’s had no idea what I was talking about, so this might just be another thing we borrowed, but, like… from ourselves? Who knows. But the burning of the iron is an old story about when some Atuans, or maybe just Luminaries, were under the heel of… someone. The stories are kinda vague on who, one of those lost to time things. But someone was trying to punish some Luminaries working in the mines by, well, basically playing a cruel game of hot potato. You’d give one person a piece of iron that had been burning over a fire, and to stop their hands from burning any longer than they had too, they’d pass it on to the next person, each person burning each other in their effort to lessen their own pain. It was meant to build resentment among the Atuans, get them to stop cooperating and turn against each other.”

“But then, one day, when they were doing this practice, a priestess volunteered to go first. And it’s said…” Kaito looked at the lump of iron, and in his hand it burned red, alight with fire, “She held it in her hands for a long time, as her skin blistered and burned. She kept holding it, refused to let it go, until the part she was holding had cooled a little, and then she passed the iron of carefully to the next person, only letting them touch the part of the iron that had cooled against her skin and blood. And though it was still hot, the next person held on as long as he could too, inspired by the priestess, and when he passed off the iron, it was cooler and cooler, until everyone could trust that the bits of the iron, the underside of it, could comfortably be held. The tormentors were pissed, and decided to punish the priestess by bringing back the iron and making her hold the other side as well, but the others, emboldened by her sacrifice– cause her hands were already a mess after that– refused to let them do it, and it became a full on riot, casting the tormentors out, using protecting the priestess as their rallying cry.”

“After that, the passing of the iron is meant to be a reminder during Atua’s day that there are ways to safely protect a group from danger. Sure, the priestess started it by taking so much pain onto herself, but after that the group worked together to only give each other the cool part of the iron, to not let her sacraffice be for nothing and to try harder to not burn each other. And when the tormentors tried to hurt her again, they realized they could work together to no longer be burned by the iron at all. Don’t be complacent. Be careful and considerate. No one has to be burned by the iron, so long as we handle it safely and protect each other…”

“...I can guess what you’re thinking.” Kaito grinned, though his expression was a little tired and sad, covering up the iron with his hand and snuffing out the flame, “If they were reminded they had to work together and protect each other once in a ritual every year… then what the fuck happened? …well, sorry, babe. Don’t got an answer for that one… but I like the ritual anyway…”

Sticking by Kaito’s side, Kokichi quietly listened to the tale, catching the bit of hesitance when Kaito mentioned Atua. That…was going to be a whole thing too. It was a little easier for Kokichi, since the gods had never meant anything to him in the first place, but…Atua and the religion around him meant everything to Kaito. He supposed there could be some good feelings, knowing for sure that his god was real, but…knowing that things weren’t quite as he believed…

Kaito had already been struggling with that all year. 

(...he hoped the knowledge he shared wouldn’t be a burden to his family…)

But…the story Kaito shared… 

Kokichi reached out and covered Kaito’s hand that covered the iron. “...maybe call me blasphemous, but…I consider religion, and how people use religion to be two different things. Regardless of people choosing to disregard the spirit of the ritual…that’s a wonderful story and meaning to have, Kai-chan. Honestly…”

Kokichi snorted softly. “It feels very Dicean to me. Taking social responsibility to look out for your community? It’s a very noble thing to believe. I get why it’s such a strong symbol, then.”

… Kaito nodded, starting to squish the iron back into clay as he said, “Yeah. Very Dicean. Oh, do you guys have a symbol that means something similar then?” Kaito asked, grinning brightly at him, “Maybe you could put it in here to, like… make you feel connected to Dicea’s history, sort of thing? Cause you’re important to Dicea as a whole, and Dicea is important to you. I guess a garden is kinda the equivalent, but any specific symbols meant to represent Dicea as a whole?”

“...I guess our flag… And, yeah, the community garden is too, but…I dunno if I wanna make the whole garden in the room--I think that might tip the scales into it just being a comfort area for me.”

Kokichi nuzzled his face against Kaito’s arm, thinking. “...Mikado saw a room of portraits, when he’s visited me. And…under it all was the world. Maybe I could put a globe in…” A sigh. “...I’m trying less to feel like I’m responsible for the whole world, so maybe it wouldn’t be the best symbol. But just having a map of Dicea doesn’t really feel right.”

“Mmm… well, let’s see what it would look like?” Kaito offered, rolling the clay into a ball, before pulling his hands apart, the ball getting bigger and bigger…

And dowd below them, looking like the tree was growing and growing and growing into space, from the center of the Dicean borders, the planet, massive but still distant enough to curve into its orb on all sides, rested below them.

Looking down at it, Kaito mused, “Do you think the massive tree line is silly? I thought it’d be a way for this place to still feel connected, but it means the planet won’t get to rotate below you. Seems like a waste… maybe the tree just sorta ends into roots, hovering in space…”

“And being connected to everything, to the planet, doesn’t make you responsible for it.” Kaito mused, before thinking about it more… “Or maybe it does? But not how you define responsibility, ‘Kichi. Sometimes, I think, being responsible to others can be as simple as just the ripple effect of taking care of yourself, the best you can. You take care of Dicea, right? Luminary and Danganronpa and Novoselics health as nations, being neighbors, improves with you. Like the telephone lines. Dicea made themselves some cool as fuck new technology, but it spread past your borders really quickly, and now everyone is benefitting… and the same will happen to the other continents, inevitably. Dicea’s improvement became everyone’s improvement. We all affect each other, and doing well generally makes things overall better, so long as ‘doing better’ doesn’t mean stepping on someone’s neck to make yourself taller… you don’t have to pretend that you’re not connected to the world, to recognize that all of its problems aren’t your personal responsibility to solve. An Ouma is an extension of Dicea. Dicea is an extension of the world.”

Looking curiously down at the planet, Kaito said, after a moment, “Or, orrrrr, hear me out…. Water with a really big fig in it. I don’t know why, but I love that imagery. Forget the planet, just a big ass fish… maybe an island… or, woods on an island… a castle in the woods… that’d be super cool. With a dragon in the sky.”

When he said globe, he kinda meant, like…maybe something the size of a basketball, drifting off to the side, or maybe on one of the tree branches. Not…actually the earth drifting below him. Kokichi rather liked heights, but being in a tree above space, even conceptually, was making him a little dizzy. 

“...it’s a little much,” he softly agreed. 

…responsibility really was a multifaceted thing. Sighing softly, Kokichi kissed Kaito’s bicep. “...I feel like you’ve told me something like this before… I think this was one of my first neuroses that we really talked about.”

“I know that’s all true. And most days, it is what I focus on. There’s just…the impulse, you know? To answer to everything…to stick my hands in and manage everything. I guess I really did get being a control freak from my father…but it’s…” Kokichi let out a puff of air. “Thinking like that is exhausting. And it’s unsustainable, if anything about it is even achievable. The best thing I can do is…lead by example. And give help where I can, when people ask for it. And if everyone is changing small things in their spheres, it makes a really big change…I know that.”

As Kaito described another idea, Kokichi considered it for a moment before being hit by the familiarity. Snorting, he nuzzled his husband a little. “I think that’d fit more as your meditation space, hun.”

Kaito chuckled, giving Kokichi an amused look before saying, “Alright, alright, too high? No planet then. Brace yourself~” Kaito said enthusiastically, grabbing the earth mold hanging below the model room and taking it back into his hands. Below them, Kaito watched with fascination as the planet seemed to twist into itself before fading into nothing, that gray and gold gradient below them again. “Amazing… I know you’re doing this–” Kaito said, pointing around at the changing room, “But wow… how are you not addicted to this? I’d do this all day…”

Kaito chuckled, looking down at his figurines and shrugging as he said, “Well, I guess I do already. And you’re right, that is my vibe, the weird island in the really shallow ocean thing? It’s imagery that comes to mind for me a lot. Not sure why, but there’s something…” Kaito grinned, easily morphing the clay to be a small, circular island, clearly artificial and man-made, a single palm tree on it, before letting the clay figure spin lightly at the very tip of his finger. “...both familiar and ‘other’ about it. I feel trapped there, when I think about it, but like… in a reassuring way. Weird, right?”

Kokichi watched in interest as the void--somehow more stable than actually being able to see something below him, even if it was millions of miles away--returned before giggling a little at Kaito’s own interest. “There are some things I have fun with, but considering it cuts into my sleep time, and I’d rather be awake and hanging out with you guys than taking extra naps in a day, that kinda stops me from getting too engrossed. It is amazingly cool, though.”

For Kaito who frequently daydreamed and had, as he’d once said, a rich inner world, being able to control it was probably one of the best creative outlets he could have. 

Kokichi peered at the small island, remembered just a moment, waving to another man. …he wasn’t sure how he was gonna tell Kaito about his shards. Or if he would. It…didn’t really matter, since he was Kaito, and they were Kaito…it was just an anomaly of how his being worked, really. Not anything with consequence or meaning, as long as none of the shards left again. 

“...maybe it’s, like, a refuge that you chose. A place to settle down, even if you know that you won’t leave? That’s my guess for something with that kind of feeling,” Kokichi hummed, grabbing a bit of clay to mold a small dragon, gently tossing it to fly over the island. 

Kaito grinned, watching the dragon fly with an openly delighted look. A massive dragon, too big to ever see all at once through the cloudline, humbling in its presence and its non-malicious disregard. A taste of the sublime. Leaving Kaito feeling both small and inexplicably at-ease.

“Very cool…” Kaito whispered, just enjoying watching the little dragon fly around his little island– taking a moment to mold a fairly large fish and throwing it in, watching the dragon and fish fly and swim in lazy, wide counter circles around the island– and putting his arm around Kokichi’s waist, drawing him in. “You’re very cool… and you’re…” Kaito sighed, looking genuinely disappointed, taking Kokichi’s hand and kissing his hand, “...going to be very sleepy if we keep going. I could keep throwing ideas at you all night, but… well. You and the others can finish it. I bet it’s going to look amazing…”

Kaito squeezed Kokichi’s hand a bit more. “...while I’m not feeling, like… how I usually feel lately? While I feel normal? Can I just tell you I’m sorry? I’m really sorry… I’m sorry it’s been so hard lately. I hate doing this to you guys. I hate being this kind of person. I really don’t like it.”

Kokichi sighed. Yeah. He should get some actual sleep tonight, before he tried to get up like a zombie and Kaito and Shuuichi both sent him back to sleep, rearranging their own schedules to take over his shift… He wasn’t going to leave his family in the lurch anymore. 

“I’ll show it to you, once I can. There’s so much I’m looking forward to once I tell you…” Another sigh, more wistful, before Kokichi gave Kaito a soft look, squeezing his hand back. “...you can absolutely hate it, and you can hate how it makes you act, but…you don’t have to apologize. I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but…I know what being depressed is like. What it feels like to be trapped without people to rely on in the way you need it, and…all that stuff. So…don’t apologize, I get it.”

Bringing their hands up, Kokichi kissed Kaito’s knuckles, then the back of his wrist. “We’ll get through this. You’ll get through this, I believe in you. You’re the sun, Kai-chan, you can do anything. And I’ll be right by your side while you do.”

Standing on his toes, Kokichi pressed a chaste kiss to Kaito’s lips. “...alright. I need to get to sleep. I love you, Kai-chan, more than anything.”

-

It wasn’t immediate. 

Around six, when Kokichi normally got up to take over Miyako duty, the quiet calm in the room was replaced with soft sniffles, Kokichi curling into himself under the covers as he tried to stifle his tears.

Kaito looked over to the bed, his shoulder sinking a little… before placing a small kiss against Miyako’s temple, whispering to her, “I think daddy’s had a bad dream. Dad’s on the way~ wish me luck, sweetbun.”

Laying her gently back into her crib, Kaito headed to the bed, glancing at Shuichi– dead to the world, like usual– before sitting down at the side of it, looking at the curled up ball of ‘Kichi, hidden by their thin summer blankets. Kaito gave him a soft look, before walking his fingers up where he guessed Kokichi’s hip was, each ‘step’ a bouncy, exaggerated leap as Kaito said softly, “Is my ‘Kichi hiding~?”

Kokichi wasn’t asleep, so when Kaito came by, he flopped onto his side, peeking out to reveal his teary face. Which…while his eyes were starting to flow, was offset by a wide smile. Barely pushing up from bed, Kokichi reached up to hug whatever he could of Kaito, still sniffling. 

“I love you guys s-so much…”

“W’op!” Kaito ‘said’, a small, startled sound as Kokich clung to his waist, Kaito giving Kokichi a confused little half-hug back as he said, “I love you too, ‘Kichi. Is that a… gooood declaration of love? You okay? You seem happy, for someone who woke up crying.”

“I-I’s good,” Kokichi sniffled, laughing softly at himself. “I dunno wha’ I was dreamin’, really, but…I love you guys a lot. Woke up feelin’ thankful.”

It was…more of a vague feeling than any true memory of a dream. Sure, feelings lingered, but this was stronger than having to wait for your heart to slow after a nightmare. This was him wanting to scoop Shuuichi into his arms and kiss his cheeks until there was no hesitance or doubt ever left in his mind. This was him clinging to Kaito’s waist and feeling warmer than a campfire’s flame because of how loved and cared for he felt. 

This was feeling love so strongly that Kokichi had no option but to wake up crying. 

Sniffling a bit more and pushing himself up more properly, Kokichi only let Kaito go with one arm to wipe his eyes. “Sorry… ‘m jus’ feelin’ emotional…”

Kaito smiled at that, scooping Kokichi up and pulling him out from under the blankets, cuddling him to his lap and rubbing his back as he said, “My weeeepy ‘Kichiiii~ Don’t be sorry. Some days are just emotional… I mean, if you’re feeling pretty overwhelmed already, we don’t… haaaaave to go to the appointment today–”

“Gotta go, Kaito.” Shuichi grumbled into the pillow. “You literally stopped talking at the end of the last one, we can’t cancel the follow-up on that.”

“What? Why not? I think we can.” Kaito pouted, placing a small kiss against Kokichi’s temple, “I’m fiiiine. I was just tired by the end of the last one.”

“You stuck your tongue out at her before Kokichi took you away.”

“Dr. Mariah is cool! She knows that was playful!”

“You looked like you were two seconds away from throwing your meditation stone at one of us.”

“I would never… I don’t wanna buy another one, they’re expensive to replace.”

Kokichi nuzzled Kaito’s chest before craning his neck up to kiss at his cheeks--he could fulfill that with one of his partners right now, at least--and took a few moments just to breathe and calm himself. Being overwhelmed with love was one of the better ways to be overwhelmed, in his opinion, but he still should make at least something of an effort to center himself again. 

‘Cause as much as he did love his partners enough to not be able to contain it in his body, it wasn’t helpful in day-to-day happenings. 

“No, no, we should still go,” Kokichi said in a light sigh, reaching up to caress Kaito’s cheek, running his fingers through his hair just above his ear. “It isn’t good to leave things like we did, even if we needed the break.”

“...I know you’re shouldering a lot of it, hun, and that’s never fun. But…there’s still a lot we have to talk about.”

“Noooooo.” Kaito groaned, flopping backwards onto the bed, taking Kokichi down with him, “I like what we’re doing nooooooow. Let’s do this all day. Kokichi lovin’. More kisses. That’s the kind of therapy I want. Kokichi kisses and Shuichi squeez’en.”

“Shuichi ‘squee’en’?” Shuichi asked, sitting up and stretching his back a little, raising an eyebrow at Kaito.

“You have so much to squeeze… what do you think, Kokichi?” Kaito asked, grinning wolfishly down at his husband, “Doesn’t getting handfuls of our Shuichi sound like more fun than letting Dr. Mariah scold us some more?”

“We can’t do anything, we don’t have anyone to watch Miyako right now. No squeezing anything for you.” Shuichi told him plainly, shuffling out of bed to go take a shower.

Kokichi laughed softly as Kaito brought him down with him, obliging by giving his chest more kisses and resuming his hug around Kaito’s waist. Just because he agreed with going to therapy later didn’t mean he was against lovin’ time now. “More fun, definitely, but I don’t go to therapy to have fun. Unless I’m talking about future fun, since having a healthy and balanced mental state and relationships means more fun in the future.”

Watching Shuuichi leave them fondly, Kokichi wiped his eyes one more time before rolling gently to be chest-to-chest with Kaito, looking lovingly down at him. “...hey. I love you a lot. And I think you’re amazing.”

“...and we can still have a nice morning together before therapy in the afternoon. How was Miya last night? Give you any issues?”

“Our Miya thought it’d be lots and lots of fun to take a nice long piss, as soon as Dad had placed her on the new diaper… and then, guess what, Kokichi? Guess what she did after the second new diaper? Can you guess?” Kaito asked dryly, glancing over at the crib as he said accusingly, “She did it on purpose, I swear. Miya thinks dad groaning in poopy despair is funny. I swear, if she knew how to smirk? She’d have been smirking.”

“Oh, she absolutely thinks it’s funny,” Kokichi snickered. “Either that, or she’s just pleased that you’re paying so much attention to her. She really adores you, you know? I’d say she definitely inherited that from me and Shuu-chan if it wasn’t so natural to do so.”

“Wonder how many diaper changes that means for me, then,” he hummed, looking over towards the crib. He didn’t hear any coos or whines, so that probably meant Miyako was asleep, and had been asleep when Kaito came over to check on him. Good… He’d feel bad if he’d pulled Kaito’s attention like that…though, most likely, Kaito wouldn’t be indulging him like this if Miya wanted attention. 

(Ah, next time she was awake, he had to tell her to make noise when she wanted something, not invade dreams…)

“...I wonder what her dreams are like. Since babies don’t have a lot to conceptualize…”

As the shower turned on in the bathroom, Kaito gave Kokichi a fond look, very aware that Kokichi kept throwing compliments his way and appreciating the gesture behind it. Kaito imagined his Kokichi was, well… just trying to build him up a bit, after the embarrassment of the last few days. The last few days had been… woof. 

“I dunno… I mean, let’s be honest, she’s probably dreaming of drinking some warm, tasty nectar. Maybe–” Kaito lowered his voice, wanting to make the joke but not wanting to make Shuichi uncomfortable, if it was possible at all for him to hear him, “--dreaming of what it’s like to tap the keg and drink straight from the source. It’s alright, Miya. Dad dreams of Shuichi boob too. We can both pine… just in, admittedly, different ways.”

Kokichi snorted, laughing softly. “Honestly, I think Miya has a better chance with her dream than yours. Shuu-chan’s said before he doesn’t wanna feel like he’s holding out on her. Though, at this point, I think we’ve gotten her feeding schedule down pretty well, even if she is eating more.”

Closing his eyes with a small sigh, Kokichi nuzzled Kaito again. “...our Shuu-chan is very good. Love ‘im a lot. Jus’ like how I love you a lot.”

“...d’ya want me to get up so you can go back to sleep? Or start your day?”

“Mmm… sleep does sound kinda nice.” Kaito admitted, if because he knew how exhausting the afternoon was going to be. “But… ‘Kiiiiichiii kiiiiissseeess.” Kaito whined, holding Kokichi close and rocking from side to side a little, before placing a few kisses on top of his head, letting his head fall back with a sigh, “Our Shuichi is very good. I love him a lot. I love you a lot. My good ‘Kichi… oh! I had the most wild dream last night! I need to tell you what I can remember, but…”

“...I was taking Miyako and Tim to the beach.” Kaito sighed happily, pleased at the memory, “Miyako was, like… giggly and all baby fat and could sit up on her own. She was playing in the sand and splashing the waves, Timothy throwing a frisby for Chase… honestly, maybe the nicest dream I’ve had in weeks. Don’t ask me what my last nice dream was. I know she’s not awake and wouldn’t understand me anyway, but there are some things I just can’t say with Miya in the room. Our baby is a total cock-block. She will never know what she puts her dad through.”

Kokichi trusted Kaito about getting help for his anxious nights, but he still did worry a lot about Kaito getting enough rest. Sleep was really important! It couldn’t solve most other issues, but it did wonders for having the energy and mood to deal with them. There was a reason Kokichi always listed his fixed sleep schedule along with everything else that had helped him along in his mental health journey. 

As a show of understanding, Kokchi placed more soft kisses along Kaito’s neck and shoulder as he told him about his dream, humming gently. “That sounds like a really wonderful dream, even if I wouldn’t exactly call it wild. But…it’s something that could really happen, one day. I’d love to have outings like that, just letting the kids play around…”

Rolling his eyes a little, Kokichi pressed his teeth against Kaito’s shoulder as a more physical ‘tsk’ towards his horny dreams. “I hope she’ll never know. There’s a reason I said I was uncomfortable doing anything while she’s in the room… But that doesn’t mean we can’t do anything when she’s not around.”

Pulling back a little, Kokichi gave Kaito a more serious look. “Really… If we need to make some time to be intimate, we can get a babysitter. I don’t want us to actually resign ourselves to celibacy until she’s one.”

“Hey babe, I tried.” Kaito said simply, grinning a little at the pseudo-bite against him, before matching his serious look with an amused one, “Did you not just see me make a pass at Shuichi? I was trying to get both of us some sweet, Shuichi goodness, and you let him walk off into the bathroom sunset. This is why we can’t have nice things. Ya gotta back me up next time, lay on the charm.”

Bobbing his head forward to steal a chaste kiss from Kokichi, Kaito said, “We can, beautiful, and we will. I won’t say I don’t think about it. But, like… taking care of Miyako, as much as I love her, kills my sex drive. Beyond a joking way, I’ve discovered it’s hard to feel sexy and alluring when I’m exhausted and smell like baby powder, changing my shirt again because the burpee didn’t catch everything. Like… we’re gonna have to be one of those couples that plans a night in advance and gets a baby sitter and tries to set a mood and end up spending the entire night just catching up on sleep together. At least, that’s kinda what it feels like right now. But then, this is Kaito after two intense therapy days on half a nights rest overall, so what do I know, my libidos an old soggy sponge right now.”

“Even with my charm, I doubt Shuu-chan would even bat an eye when he’s still in morning drowsy-mode,” Kokichi huffed, laughing, “But…sure. I’ll back you up next time, see if luck’s on our side.”

There was something a little surprising about finding something that succeeded in killing Kaito’s libido, but…it felt too mean to comment on aloud. However, Kokichi knew exactly what he meant. 

Nodding, Kokichi sighed softly and returned another kiss. “I think we’d absolutely be one of those couples. Honestly, lately when I’ve thought of stuff I’m excited to do together when we’re both free is just…cuddling and taking a nap. I feel alright about how we’ve handled managing each other’s exhaustion, but…it’s still tiring. And I do really love cuddles.”

“...it is very attractive, seeing you be a superstar dad, though,” Kokichi smiled, before registering…

“...half a night’s sleep?”

“Hm? Oh, no, not, like, literally.” Kaito quickly corrected, waving his hand dismissively in the air as he closed his eyes, “I’m exaggerating. I just, ya know… the last few days were stressful. I didn’t always sleep well when it was my turn. I’m just tired. But, like, I probably still slept, it just didn’t feel like it, ya know? One of those sorts of things. I’m okay.”

Kaito tapped idly at Kokichi’s back now, murmuring out, “A-okay, a-okay~ … I really am. Having not okay moments doesn’t mean, overall, I’m doing bad. It’s not an all or nothing thing… Miss Crystal says I need to go make friends. She says I’m trying to hard to make you guys my everything. It’s not good for us, so… heck, I dunno. I can’t even imagine going out and making friends right now. I really waited too late to start working on that. This is a terrible time to go make friends… do you think just sending letters to my old friends would count? I could do that, I don’t write enough… or at all, really.”

…he really hoped not literally. That was terrible…

Kokichi sighed. “I know… Having not okay moments is just…life. I just worry about you… I worry about all of us, and when I see those not okay moments… It’s first instinct for me to try and help out, you know? Even when there’s not anything to help. I care about you a lot.”

Making new friends… That seemed like good advice. Growing Kaito’s world a little…not leave him with those moments of ‘what now’ when none of them were around that, honestly, did worry Kokichi when Kaito mentioned it. 

“I think getting in touch with your friends back home would be a good idea,” Kokichi murmured. “They’re people you care about, and who care about you, so…I bet they’d be really happy to hear from you. But…I think finding some friends here would be good too.”

Kokichi paused, chewing his lip. “...if you want help, like, in suggestions, I’d like to, but…I don’t wanna push you. I know that you’ll be able to make great friends with people, and you don’t need my help with that, so…that’s not what I’m saying.”

“...we are busy. We have a baby, and we spend a lot of time with her; and you have a son that you spend time with, and we have family time too. It’s a lot. It’s hard to make new friends who will be considerate of that from the get-go, but will still be willing to put in the effort of friendship. But…it’s not impossible. And…maybe even just chatting casually with people when you have time will be good for you. You never know what could turn into a deeper friendship.”

“Yeah…” Kaito played with some loose threads on Kokichi’s shirt, fussing with them a bit… before chuckling warily, “It has occurred to me that maybe people just won’t… like me now. That I’m not very likeable when I’m not… rich and fuckable and shit… stuff. Frickable? Sorry, Miya… dad’s got a potty mouth.”

Kokichi frowned softly. “...I don’t want to dismiss your feelings, because if that’s how you feel, then that’s your experience, so I’m not saying this in that way, but… That’s bullcrap.”

“People are your friend because you’re passionate and kind and friendly and funny and reliable… I don’t like you just because we’re in a relationship, and Maki-chan and Shuu-chan haven’t been your friends for years just ‘cause of the sunk-cost fallacy, and Waku-chan’s not your friend for any carnal or fiscal compensation. People aren’t your friends because of what you can give them, they’re your friends because you’re cool.”

Kokichi fixed his husband with a brightly determined look. “And other people will see that too. Because you shine too brightly for people to ignore if you put yourself out there.”

“Yeah? Thanks, beautiful.” Kaito grinned, giving him a small kiss, before laying back, taking a moment to admire Kokichi. It was never terribly serious, but it had occurred to Kaito, every now and again, that… well, sometimes he wondered if the only reason he had gotten through to Kokich in the early days was Kokichi discovering he was mad horny and Kaito being willing, available, and (hell, he was allowed to say) fucking able to deal out a good, solid dicking. It was, again, mostly in jest when the thought occurred to Kaito… but it only kept coming to mind because there was a part of him that thought ‘well… maybe.’

Kaito had gotten real insecure, and had been for awhile now. Miss Crystal didn’t think it was a new problem, though it felt like a new problem to Kaito. She seemed to think his insecurity was what had fueled his social life back in Luminary. And, yeah, maybe there was something to that… it was hard to feel lackluster and insufficient when you were at the center of excited faces and were someone’s whole world, exciting and sensual and (at least a sort of) loved for an evening.

Kaito knew he wasn’t being fair to himself. He was more than his ability to buy nice things or offer job opportunities or a piece of skilled ass. He just wasn’t… sure how to offer himself to people without those big selling points. But he had other things to offer! Totally! He just had to figure out how to sell himself again… metaphorically speaking.

“I need to take a page out of your book, beautiful.” Kaito grinned, running his hands through Kokichi’s hair, “My ‘Kichi has lots of friends… it makes me really happy to think about it. We need to give you time to go hang out with Amber and Stacy and Temp again. Maybe I can babysit Addason and you guys can have a afternoon out?”

Kokichi knew that give and take was part of relationships. There were things about oneself that you did have to offer, and there were things you didn’t, but would sweeten the pot if you did. Being a listening ear, offering your interest and attention even when someone talked about something you knew nothing about and weren’t interested in--it was an offer of friendship to be engaged because…well, they were your friend. You had to offer your understanding towards any quirks while you learned of them, and towards things that you two would differ on. You had to be willing to put in effort towards finding time for each other--at least some of the time--and keeping conversations going, though what that looked like had a wide range depending on the people involved. 

There was give and take, especially at the start of a friendship, but…the reason for that friendship shouldn’t be about what you got from someone. At least in Kokichi’s opinion, the reason for offering up that stuff in the first place should be because you found someone cool, and wanted to get to know them more. Because you liked their passion or sense of humor or attitude…

…he knew he didn’t understand how social things worked in Luminary, but…it still hurt Kokichi to think that there were a lot of people who only engaged with Kaito because of what they could get from him. There was so much more to Kaito than a sex drive and a bank account. 

And people in Dicea would see it, he was positive. 

Kokichi sighed happily at the hands in his hair. “That would be really nice… I miss being able to get together with them more. But,” he raised an eyebrow, “If you’re gonna help me organize a time to hang out with my friends, I’m gonna help carve out some time for you to hang out with your friends, alright? Like…go out with Waku-chan or Nadya-chan or Hajime-chan, or go do something to meet people. You can choose what you wanna do, but we’re gonna help each other be social.”

“Deal.” Kaito said, considering his friends. He knew Waku enjoyed a lot of the same spots Kaito himself would have enjoyed back in Luminary. She had a near shocking love of hole in the walls, and places Kaito would consider ‘edgier’, or at least attracted an audience with a certain edge to them. They’d probably enjoy going out more together. Nadya and Hajime… Kaito had started talking to Nadya more, and he really did like Hajime from the beginning, but both of those friendships had gotten strained by, well… death cults and poppies and Togami kidnappings. It was hard to be casual with Hajime after all the sheer shit Kaito had put him through, and Nadya sometimes felt like she lived in a different world than he did. Around, but with this small, undefinable wall between them…

But, fuck that. Maybe Kaito just needed to try harder to break through those barriers with those two. Hajime had been there for him and his family when shit was really hard and it would have been easier to run, and Nadya was nice and could be very easy to talk to when she was interested in the topic. And also had been there when shit had been really hard. He owed them at the very least to try.

“...what the heck happened to Shuichi?” Kaito said, looking suspiciously to the bathroom, “This is a long shower. Should I check on him? Best case scenario, he’s just chilling under the warm water. Worst case, he’s passed out. Even more worst case, he’s trying to have some privacy to masterbate and I interrupt him caus I think he’s passed out because I can’t just let ya’ll enjoy a nice, long shower…I should check on him.”

If Kokichi were honest with himself, he almost expected Kaito to put up some sort of protest, but…well, they were all trying to be better. Their social lives had been a concern for a long time, and while Kaito’s cooking class hadn’t exactly worked for that purpose, they could still try again. There were a lot of ways for Kaito to make the first steps towards being more social, and Kokichi would be there to support him through any of them. 

Giving a glance over towards the closed bathroom door, faintly noting that, yeah, it had been a noticeable amount of time longer than Shuuichi did tend to shower for, Kokichi hummed with a nod, starting to roll himself from Kaito’s grip. “Yeah… I gotta get myself comfy for Miya duty anyway, freein’ you up for whatever you wanna do this morning. I will still put a vote in for sleep.”

“I will, I will, I just gotta go ruin Shuichi’s masterbation time first.” Kaito said, groaning as he sat up, rubbing his face before getting up and heading over to the bathroom, tapping at the door and cracking it open, “Haaaandsome? Are you alive in there?”

“What? Yes?” 

“Okay, are you good–”

“Kaito, I’m just shaving, leave me alone.”

“Okay, okay, okay… love you, okay, have fun shaving.” Kaito closed the shower as Shuichi groaned, looking over to Kokichi and giving him a sheepish shrug. “Our Shuichi shaves? Who knew? What’s he shaving? …oooooh, do you think he’s manscapping?” Kaito asked, eyes widening, getting excited at the idea. If Shuichi was tidying up his dick, then maybe he had dick things on his brain! A good sign!

Kokichi took the time while Kaito was checking on Shuuichi to change into day clothes, putting on some deodorant and running a hand through his hair. Ever since he’d settled into morning duty he’d become firmly a night showerer…or a midday showerer if it was a particularly hot or stuffy day. He’d probably pop in later to brush his teeth, but for the most part? He was ready for the day. 

Meaning, he grabbed the copy of The Curse of Snaktooth Isle he’d been working through lately, and settled in the window seat, careful not to block Miyako’s sun too much, where her crib was right beside him. He didn’t open up his book yet, though, giving a chuckle at Kaito’s excitement over their partner’s grooming habits. 

“I feel like we had a conversation about it once, but I don’t remember what Shuu-chan said about it,” Kokichi laughed airily, “So it’s entirely possible. His skin is so clear, though, I’m a little jealous if he can grow facial hair too. Like…all the books said that he’d get the pregnancy cheats for good skin, but still. Unfair to have the best of both worlds.”

“Pffff, you don’t get to be jealous, beautiful, you spent your whole life weed-wacking your hair and ignoring your skin and going out of your way to buy the most carriage-wreck clothes you can find, and you still always look amazing. It’s literally criminal, you better have at least gone though a terrible zit phase as a teen.” Kaito huffed, heading to the bed and laying down, throwing the blanket over himself and clutching his pillow, glaring suspiciously at Kokichi, “...did you? Have a zit phase?”

“It wasn’t a terrible one,” Kokichi shrugged, managing to only look amused in the face of Kaito’s incredulous outrage. He’d like to beg to differ that it was because of his super fun fashion sense and free stylistic choices about his hair and letting regular soap do its thing for his skin that he was adorable, but they’d agree to disagree there. 

Lifting up his bangs, Kokichi traced along his hairline, just above his temples, then to the areas around his cheekbones just in front of his ears. “I used to get acne pretty regularly around here and here. Nothing terrible, I never had to go to a doctor for it, but, yanno…that’s what being a teen’s like. Denji-chan used to shove weird creams ‘n facewashes at me when they’d notice I was breaking out again. Used ‘em every once in a while, mostly when I was bored,” or he saw that cute guy at the market again and felt embarrassed about the little red spots, “but…they just kinda stopped showing up as much after a while.”

Kokichi lifted his gaze to the ceiling, thinking for a moment. “...Think when I was, like…eighteen and a half? Just washing my face seems to do the trick for most things, for me.”

Kaito wrinkled his nose at the story, before sticking his tongue out at Kokichi and bringing the blanket over his head, hiding beneath it as he said, “Well, ya know what! You… missed out on a key personality development phase! Going through the ugly teen phase is a requirement! To being, just… a well adjusted person! You missed out!”

Kokichi huffed out a small laugh, shaking his head a little. “Acne doesn’t make someone ugly. And I think I’m a little too young to have proper perspective of my teens as a whole era. But…seriously, I’m almost a little glad we didn’t find any more recent portraits of me from my mid-to-late teens.”

“I know you’ll argue, but being tiny and too thin with giant eyes, and prone to being a colossal,” Kokichi paused, glancing to Miya’s crib, “...jerk? Don’t think I’d call myself ugly, as that feels too mean for a kid, but I certainly wasn’t nice to look at or be around. Still won’t argue that I’m well-adjusted, though, but I’m getting there.”

“You’re not a jerk.” Kaito predictably argued, grumbling into the darkness of his blankets, debating trying to sleep… before folding the blanket over his chest to look out at Kokichi again, “And if teen Kokichi had met teen Kaito? Especially if we had both been around thirteen or so? I’d have envied your body, and you would have totally thought I was ugly. Because I was trying waaaaay too hard to look like you.”

Kaito chuckled at that, shrugging his thick shoulders as he said, “Way before I was sexually active, and long before I was ‘promiscous’, I’ve wanted to be sexy and alluring since I was old enough to even recognize what those concepts were. Maybe that’s an alarming thing to think about now, how badly I wanted to be attractive and sexy as a kid, but… well, that’s why it’s adults jobs to know better, right? Kids don’t understand the full scope of what they’re asking for, and kid me desperately wanted to be attractive.”

“And… honestly, I’m not even sure why? Maybe it was just comparing myself to my mother or Kaede or the saints or the priestess’s, I dunno… I don’t know why I fixated on that type of beauty, but I was just convinced that to be sexy I needed to be small and thin and dainty… the classic ‘twink’ look, I guess, though I didn’t know that word back then.” Kaito rolled his eyes, adjusting his pillow as he said, “And I had just started a growth spurt that wasn’t about to end any time soon that made me taller than everyone around me, and while I was plenty skinny, I had this… square jaw and hard lines to my face, broad, sharp shoulders, big hands and feet… man, I fought it so hard. I convinced myself that there was a level of thin I needed to hit, and then I’d look what I considered attractive at the time. Like if I was thin enough all my masculine, hard lines would disappear and I’d be ‘pretty’.”

“So here I am, going through a massive growth spurt, and I’m just refusing to eat. For, like, years babe. This wasn’t an idle summer diet, I was trying to hit this fantasy weight that would suddenly change my whole body type till I was fourteen. Late fourteen too, I did this for years. Then, one day, Togami showed up…” Kaito grinned at the ceiling a little, “And he just, immediately, laid into me about my weight. ‘You’re a member of one of the richest families in the world, why in the hell do you look like you’re starving??’” Kaito mimicked, getting that special little inflection and accent Togami used to take from Byakuya, “And I told him I wasn’t starving, I just naturally didn’t eat much– which I thought was true, I wasn’t entirely conscious of the diet, just that I knew I didn’t wanna gain weight– and he went ‘You want me to believe you look that disgusting naturally? Don’t be an idiot. Come on, we’re putting some food into you now.’”

“...” Kaito subconsciously put his arms around his stomach and said, “He was right. I didn’t look great. Just no one had ever straight up told me the ‘skeleton’ look wasn’t working for me. And I felt a lot better when I changed my eating habits. There was a pretty notable difference.”

He was a jerk, though he was trying to be less of one these days. Regardless of his struggles, Kokichi had still purposefully been mean to people, so…that made him a jerk. Just one by choice, rather than nature, so…he could change those choices. 

Raising an eyebrow, Kokichi sincerely doubted a teen him would think a teen Kaito was ugly, though that would in part be by… Well, Kokichi had had crushes at that age. He’d been aware of attractiveness, and what he found personally attractive. But, at least where it came to looks alone, there were ‘people he thought were hot’ and ‘everyone else’. If your prettiness didn’t slap him upside the head, it just…wasn’t something Kokichi noticed. People were people. 

Kids could definitely be dumb about that stuff, though. Stressing about being attractive since he was a kid? Kokichi thought that sounded unimaginably exhausting…

Especially when Kaito didn’t meet the beauty standards he’d wanted. 

Kokichi’s expression softened as Kaito told a little story, and while he’d mentioned before that he’d been kinda scrawny… Well…Kokichi could understand why someone wouldn’t jump at the chance to talk about their eating disorder and body dysphoria…

He didn’t appreciate how Togami had spoken to Kaito (ever), but…managing to pull Kaito out of that hole himself was…impressive. And Kokichi could managed some amount of gratitude for the guy because of it. 

Kokichi sighed softly, thunking his head against the side of the wall gently, just…processing all that. He knew Kaito could have pretty drastic views of…himself and others, distilling it all into “appearance” in his head, but…damn. Damn. 

“...I dunno if “ugly” would’ve made it into my head when “concern for your health” probably would’ve taken up too much space. But if you’d mentioned anything about being envious of how I looked, I probably would’ve gone ballistic on you,” Kokichi huffed after a moment. “My body type’s the result of a bunch of horrible health issues, paired with my lack of effort into caring for myself at all. It’s not a look anyone should be aiming for.”

“...slim looks can be nice, but I have no idea who’d decide a standard of beauty should be making yourself as small as possible,” Kokichi wrinkled his nose. “Sounds like an idea with another agenda.”

“Oh, agreed. And, again, I don’t think anyone really… told me? Small, skinny people were more beautiful than anyone else? I dunno, I guess I just…” Kaito thought about, before shrugging again, “I guess looking back at it, I mostly just had female role models. Kaede was beloved and, of course back then, an itty bitty thing. Miss Mercy was thin, though I have no concept if she was short or not, she looked tall to eight year old me. Even Byakuya, while as tall as me, has always been on the thinner, like, lean side, cause he thinks physical power is a waste of time and resources. Mom was smaller…”

“Ah well.” Kaito sighed, before turning on his side and smirking at Kokichi, “Good thing you weren’t around back then. If I thought small people were pretty before? Comparing myself to you would have cemented it in my mind. Sickness or not, you’re enchanting. I’d have been smitten and wanted to be you at the same time. I’d have been doomed, swooning and envious of the Ouma prince.”

Kokichi nodded softly, crossing his thin ankles on the other side of the window seat. “Even moreso, if you had all sorts of role models that fit that kind of body type. And…I’m not tryin’ ta preach at ya, hun,” Kokichi said, suddenly looking sheepish. “This is a very personal thing to you. I’ve just…found beauty standards kind of interesting to look into, over the years.”

“Usually, there’s no one that has to tell you what you should find beautiful. It’s just…ingrained socially. It’s what body types and kinds of features are displayed in books and paintings, what the latest fad diet is trying to achieve, what proportions fashionable clothes are trying to highlight… You said you looked up to the saints too, as a standard of beauty, so they way they’re depicted is a part of that too.”

Shrugging a little, Kokichi hummed, “Surrounded by your family, who are powerful people, who happen to fit that type? I could go off more, talking about that’s why representation in media is so important, but… I mean. I guess I’m just saying that it makes a lot of sense, why you wanted to have that kind of body type.”

Crossing his arms, Kokichi gave Kaito a slightly teasing smile. “I suppose I’m just thankful I got you at a time where you’re happier with me finally getting a few pounds on. Feels better to know you like me better healthy.”

“...” After a moment, the teasing look faded into hesitance. “...did…you think I had an eating disorder when we first met? Not…necessarily when we first-first met, but…at the start of things.”

“Oh… um…”

Kaito tried to think back. The twelve to sixteen year old Koh was BAM! Suddenly revealed to be the twenty year old Prince, who was all dressed up and, at least for a moment there, far off and incomparable to anything… then getting to meet him more one on one at the tables… Kaito had been a little too self-absorbed to think too much about Kokichi’s weight at first, but…

He remembered looking at Kokichi when preparing him for a bath and just… “I’m not sure ‘eating disorder’ specifically ever occured to me, but my head rarely uses terms like that unless someone else is already saying it anyway… but I knew, observing wise, you did, yeah.” Kaito nodded, idly straightening out his goatee as he frowned at the memory, “It was your back, more than anything, that scared me. Your skin shouldn’t cling to your bones like that… you looked so fragile. Like I could break you by accident. I knew you needed to eat more, to put some protective padding on… and I guess the fact that I immediately came to the conclusion that your diet needed fixing? Then, yeah, I guess I knew you had an eating disorder when we met.”

Kaito blinked… before looking over to Kokichi, something genuinely curious there. “Did you know you had an eating disorder back then?”

He supposed the question didn’t really matter, but…he was curious. With Kaito’s history, and how so quickly he had become an advocate for getting Kokichi to eat…he supposed he was just curious if it had been a connected realization, or just Kaito subconsciously being a rockstar. 

But…even if he didn’t think about it with the term…it was a connected thing, at least a bit. 

At the question back at him, Kokichi smiled, half amused. “Not until Shuu-chan spelled it out to me. I’d…well, I guess it was idiosyncratic, but I’d physically feel ill if I tried to force anything down when I was upset. Looking back…”

Kokichi thunked his head back, the mirth fading from his expression a bit. “...Aiichi always insisted on me joining meals all the time ‘cause he was worried I wasn’t eating when I took meals in my room. Which…was right, about half the time. And he got worried about me being alone in the dining room, so that’s why he ate with me all the time.”

“But to me… I’d always find some way to get pissed at whatever he was saying, or have my anxiety build up, or some other emotion like that, and then I’d just lose my appetite immediately. I didn’t really notice what was going on…” He sighed softly. “I just…was used to feeling sick all the time, so I thought it was part of it. Sick and exhausted… Then, when I’d be sick, I’d get in my head enough to just feel…pitied and patronized when other people fed me, so…that’s even more negative associations with food.”

Kokichi took a breath before snorting, giving Kaito another amused look. “You’ve been good for breaking those. And…I’ve been working on it in therapy too. I think I’ve told you before, how good a baker Dr. Egami is? We always start out our sessions with something to eat and tea, just talking about casual stuff before we really get into it. So…even if I’m too upset later, I still have something in my stomach.”

“Heh, I remember that… you’d talk a bit about that, how King Aiichi…” Kaito frowned, his memory struggling there, “I don’t remember if you said this or I assumed it, but the impression I got was that King Aiichi would try to ‘bully’ you down to the dining hall. I really can’t remember what you actually said, specifically, but I knew it pissed you off, being called downstairs to eat. You’ve come a really long way since then… I’m really proud of you, babe…”

Kaito wished he could remember exactly how he had convinced Kokichi to let him help the smaller prince during his recovery, with feedings and baths and the toilet, holding him up and down the stairs… Kaito was sure he said something, but whatever it was it was well out of Kaito’s memories. All he remembered were rambling moments of panic, trying to be reassuring when he realized he had accidently set Kokichi off again, not wanting to sabotage Kokichi by making his husband too angry to accept his help. Kaito guessed something must have gotten through, cause the angry, defensive moments had happened less and less often, as those first few months had gone by. Kaito couldn’t remember the last time Kokichi had blatantly refused help, cause Kaito had offered it the wrong way.

“It’s night and day, honestly, from when I first met you till now? You take such better care of yourself… it’s amazing, how much you’ve matured in a year. Not that you were immature! I just… in that specific way, ya know? You’ve matured about that stuff, specifically… again. I’m really proud of you. You’re amazing…”

Kaito blinked, a random memory flooding him, and he snickered, then groaned into the pillow, “Oh man, I just remembered how my feud with the kitchen started… I was convinced one of the reasons you weren’t eating well is cause they wouldn’t give you access to the kitchens.  Think at one point I added all of that to the conspiracy theory I had in my head that all the staff were abusing you… like, they were controlling your diet! Keeping you small and weak! Not giving you cinnamon rolls on demand!” Kaito snorted, running his hand over his face as he just shook his head at old Kaito, “That’s right… fuck, yeah, that’s right. That was the whole reason I was trying to learn how to cook. If they refused to feed you, well, I would, sort of thing… heh. Man things were weird back then.”

Kokichi puffed his cheeks before slowly letting out the air through his lips. “...I don’t remember what I said either. It was, like, passive-aggressive nagging, at worst, and mostly when I’d already been a brat to people. Mostly he just…kinda asked normally, and I’d get all groany and overdramatic about coming down. I think he mostly chalked it up to teen angst.”

Some of it probably was that, honestly, even if it had been blown up to extreme proportions through his maladaptation. 

Blushing lightly, Kokichi gave Kaito a soft look. He was really proud of himself too, but…it was always nice to hear it from others. “I dunno, I feel like I was pretty immature. Twenty-year-olds tend to be. I just…was immature about stuff that I needed to grow up for. Hopefully I keep growing, but…I’m much happier about where I am now, than a year ago.”

Kokichi blinked, looking at Kaito in slight surprise and…

…not even his initial idea to pick up cooking had been something Kaito chose for himself, huh? It had been for Kokichi…

But Kaito did like cooking. So it was okay. No need to guilt trip yourself. 

“Super weird,” Kokichi softly agreed, shaking his head. “...honestly, I think the folks in the kitchen were pretty…ranging from nonplussed, to happy whenever I’d come down to ask for food. I heard from Luka that Chako gets, like…scarily happy and focused whenever you ask her for help putting together something for us. I suppose it comes with wanting to be a chef, but they do seem to get a kick out of feeding people.”

The rumors had somehow not made their way to Kokichi, but it was a consensus not just for those on the castle kitchen staff, but many folks in town, that Prince Kokichi looked so happy and blissful when he was eating something he enjoyed that it was an absolute pleasure giving him food.

“Chako has been endlessly patient with me, and deserves a ‘Luminary keeps harassing her at work’ raise.” Kaito snickered, closing his eyes as his breathing started evening out, sleep starting to nip at his heels. “Seriously, she’s put so much time and work into helping me with random recipes and apology meals and just… me. I owe her a lot for her patience, I know how, uh… frustrating, I am. I’d love to pay her back for it all someday. Not sure what I could do, but I definitely owe her.”

“And she likes you a lot, Kokichi.” Kaito said, opening an eye and looking over to him, smirking a little, “Thinks you work too hard, we had a whole conversation once about you being young and needing time… Chako’s a good sort, she doesn’t have you on some pedestal, but you’re not this, like, fussy little prince she had to take care of either. Chako’s, like… grounded, ya know? I think out of everyone I’ve talked too, she’s the first person I ever talked to who kinda saw you as just a… just a guy, ya know? One with a stressful job. What I’m saying is, if you ever needed advice from a level-headed adult? Definitely go to Chako. That woman radiates mentor energy, I swear.”

Shuichi, opening the shower door, headed out in a towel and wen to the closet, “Are we talking about mentors? Did something happen with my mentor?”

“Nah, talking about Chako, handsome.”

“Ah, I see… thought maybe she had come by already.” Shuichi sighed, getting dressed, “Maki and I are supposed to meet them for breakfast today.”

“You’re not frustrating,” Kokichi huffed. And while there certainly was a line about helping someone out while at work…from how Kaito told it, anytime he asked Chako for something that wasn’t a meal request? She’d put him to work for it. The business side of Kokichi’s brain wasn’t quite sure how that matched up against the safety protocols and employee contracts of the kitchen staff, but…no one had complained, and no accidents had happened so… He supposed if it was Kaito claiming to just be preparing something independently, which people could do, even if the staff universally (not just towards Kokichi) hated people waltzing in and out of the kitchen as they pleased, then it was okay. 

Maybe Kaito should invite Chako to do some sort of hangout thing. Their relationship might be a little different, but it still sounded like friendship to Kokichi. Especially with how Kaito was praising her. 

Kokichi smiled softly, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “...I really appreciate that of her. If I need advice, I’ll keep her in my options…and let her know your ringing endorsement.”

He managed to give Kaito a wink before Shuuichi emerged from the bathroom, his eyebrows raising a little. “Oo, nice! Are you all going out somewhere? Please pass on my ‘hello’s.”

“Mr. Nidai has finally talked Maki into letting him officially meet Timothy, and she wanted me there for backup.” Shuichi explained, considering two different blazers that looked nearly identical with a critical stare, “And we decided to set it up this morning because if Maki gets overwhelmed we can claim that we have to leave soon because we have therapy and need to prepare.”

Kaito frowned, sitting up in bed, “Should I come?”

“No, no, it’s fine. We’re still going by what you and Maki discussed,” Shuichi said, raising his fingers one by one as he counted out, “Timothy is still not allowed to be alone with Mr. Nidai or any of the mentors. If they sound like they’re trying to trigger his conditionings we leave immediately–”

That was the tricky bit, since none of them, including Timothy, seemed to know exactly what conditioning Timothy had gotten. The current suspicion was an attempt at devotion and emotional conditioning, but because his conditioning was only half done, none of it was particularly obvious enough to nail down. They basically just tried to keep half an eye on it and didn’t go digging for it too much.

“-- and Timothy has to show them respect without acknowledging them as an authority… am I missing anything?”

“Don’t let them disrespect you or Maki in front of him.” Kaito said, frowning, “They’re your mentors, but you’re his uncle and mother. They’re not in charge of you anymore, and they need to show you respect in front of your own charge.”

“I know, I know. It’ll be fine. They honestly have been fine so far.”

“You’re sure you don’t want me to come? I’ll come, I’ll get up now–”

“No. We’re fine. Go to sleep.”

Shuichi wasn’t worried, honestly. The biggest fear was Mr. Nidai, trying to ‘help’, overstepping his bounds with Timothy, but beyond that? The mentors… were very much ‘on vacation’. They were on their first vacation in their lives and were NOT waiting on their charges to have time for them to enjoy it. They were constantly out and about, exploring the surrounding city and enjoying the luxuries there, and had already gone on two separate three day trips to places too far to stay at the castle with. The mentors were fearless in their exploration, and had seen far more of Dicea and the surrounding area in their few weeks here than Kaito, Shuichi and Maki had seen in the last year.

It was almost annoying, how relaxed they were. Shuichi tried not to be too envious.

Kokichi nodded softly, tucking a leg under himself. He hadn’t had any further ‘serious’ talks with the mentors. Sure, sometimes they passed each other around the castle and exchanged greetings, Kokichi asked about how they were finding Dicea--he was surprised and delighted to hear that they’d gone out to The Jesting Chalk Flowers down south, a veeeeery Dicean tradition that he was surprised foreigners would hear about at all--but…they never really talked much past that, just seeing each others in halls or out in front of the castle. 

He knew that his family was…still a little on edge, though it was a pretty low priority, so he supposed it was a good thing that they were setting this up. One less thing to worry about, if they were setting the rules for Tim meeting the mentors. 

“Well…it sounds like you have a plan, and you know where to get help if anyone needs it,” Kokichi nodded. “Let us know how it goes, afterward.”

“I will,” Shuichi said, heading to the door… before remembering himself and heading back to Kokichi, giving him a small kiss, placing his fingers against his hand and gently touching Miyako’s chest, and then going to kiss Kaito.

“...you’re sure–”

“We’ll be back for therapy. Get some rest.” Shuichi said again, before heading out the door. 

Kaito watched him go with a worried look… before huffing, laying back down and pulling his blanket back up to his shoulders. Fiddling with the edges of the fold as he glanced back at the door a few more times, clearly still debating with himself.

Kokichi watched Kaito for a few moments before sighing softly. “...I’m still voting for sleep. You seem really tired, hun… They’ll be okay. Nekomaru, Kyouko, and Oliver aren’t here to hurt any of us, and Shuu-chan and Maki-chan know how to mitigate or prevent anything that could happen from misunderstandings.”

“...if you really can’t sleep because you’re too worried, though…d’ya wanna get breakfast for the three of us to have our own little thing together?” Kokichi grinned softly, giving Miya a nod. 

Kaito tore his eyes away from the door to listen to Kokichi… before sighing, nodding in somewhat relief as he got up from bed, more than happy to have a focus as he said, “Yeah, sure, I’ve got you beautiful. Anything you want me to specifically grab from the kitchens if they don’t already have it out?”

Kokichi shook his head a little, getting up as well to start getting Miya’s food ready too. It was just about that time anyway. “Thanks, hun. And I’m alright--if it’s out, I’d like some orange juice, but I’m okay with anything. And I know you know what I like.”

Looking up, Kokichi gave Kaito a sweet, thankful smile. “You always know how to take care of me. I love you.”

Kaito gave Kokichi an openly appreciative look, before heading off.

-

“So, it went alright?” Kaito asked again, walking with Maki.

“It was fine, normal. Mr. Nidai is determined to join in on training at some point, which–” Maki rolled her eyes, scoffing, “-- is one more incentive to not start training again yet. Ugh, he’s going to be intolerable when he finds out what training actually looks like.”

“We’re not doing assassin training, he knows that. It’s not going to look like you’re training–”

“It doesn’t look like your training either.” Maki reminded Kaito, who sighed, rubbing his hand over his face, “He’s not even started serious weapon training, and he’s almost ten. I’ve had responsibility for him for nearly a year and he’s still on the first step of knife throwing. Mr. Nidai is going to be intolerable when he realizes how far behind he is.”

“...oh!” Shuichi looked over his shoulder, walking with Kokichi as he held his hand, “Maki, add that to the list.”

“Already on the list.” Maki called back dismissively, before continuing with Kaito, “No sword training, hand to hand training, dagger training. We don’t even do strength training!”

“The girls aren’t ready for strength training, we just didn’t wanna jump ahead…”

“I know! Will he know? No!” Maki huffed, Kaito and her clearly commisterating over a shared nemesis as Kaito scoffed in agreement.

There were things that pulled at Kokichi’s chest, but…he wasn’t trying to convince Maki or Kaito. They were all on the same side of this. So, instead, he just snorted softly and called over his shoulder with a grin, squeezing Shuuichi’s hand gently. “Maybe you should have me lead training again if the kids get antsy for it. Just outrage your mentor even more when we spend a day perfecting out to chain cartwheels together.”

Kimiko was already about there, little gymnast she was, but there were always improvements to make. 

He supposed he could see Nekomaru’s point, wanting to ‘help out’ or ‘correct’ what he’d see as someone falling behind in something he valued but…it wasn’t falling behind if Tim’s trajectory wasn’t the same. Honestly, even being able to throw knives at nine was pretty early to be focusing on a weapon in Kokichi’s eyes. 

But. Well. They’d keep an eye on things.

“He’s just going to have to understand that Timothy’s training is going… slower.” Kaito huffed, fussing with his knuckles, “And that Timothy isn’t the only person we’re training so–”

“No, no, shush. Shuuuuush,” Shuichi said, waving his hands in Kaito’s direction.

“What? Why shush? This is important, Shuichi, Maki and I are discussing our kid–”

“Save it, we need the brownie points.”

“True.” Maki realized.

“Brownie points, what brownie points–”

“Shuuuuush.” Maki said.

“Wha–”

“Shush.”

“Shuuuuuush.”

“You two are impossible, I swear.” Kaito muttered, walking into the building and looking around, sighing again, “Annnnnd the receptionist isn’t here. Of course. Seriously, she needs to fire this person. The first few times were coincidences, the rest quirky, but this has to be this person deliberately avoiding us.”

“Do you think so?” Shuichi asked, heading down the hallway, towards the secret door. “That would make sense, but also why?”

“Maybe they’re anti-luminary?” Maki guessed, “Or anti-assassin. Anti-royalty? Could be anti-detective.”

“Who in Dicea is anti-detective? They love telling secrets here.” Shuich mused, as they headed up the stairs. “Detectives must be beloved here.”

“You sound so spiteful.” Kaito laughed, opening the door for everyone.

“It’s not fun uncovering secrets if people don’t mind giving them away.”

“I think you should just consider it more of a challenge.” Maki mused, “Anyone actually trying to keep a secret here must feel so smug about it. You can go and just ruin their days. And then when you tell everyone their secret you’ll get more congratulations and less death threats and repulsion.”

“....oooooh.” Shuichi said, “That’s true, isn’t it…”

…brownie points? Not towards their mentors (while some of it was inevitable, Kokichi had been gently reminding Maki and Shuuichi that they didn’t have to strain to impress their mentors here) so…towards Dr. Mariah? But discussing a real issue between them all was probably a good thing in her eyes…

They really could be some real weirdos. 

Laughing a little at Kaito’s…not serious derision? Over the missing receptionist, Kokichi shook his head a little as they headed up the stairs. “It is true. No one really cares about harmless secrets, it’s just fuel for nosy folks, so it’d be more just having a good gossip session, but…bigger stuff? People’ll get real proud of ya for uncovering that stuff.”

Coming to the top of the roof, Kokichi smiled sunnily at their therapist, giving the petite woman a wave. “Good afternoon, Dr. Mariah!”

“Ah, there you are.” Dr. Mariah said, looking up from her journal, closing it up and giving the group a small nod, giving them all a cool, concerned look as they settled into their chairs… except for Kaito, who gave the koi fish a warm grin and went to go give them a hello first. Dr. Mariah gave him a mildly concerned look, before saying to all of them, “Our last session was… difficult. I’d like to apologize. I’m aware how difficult it can be to focus on one persons vulnerabilities for literal hours… I should have managed the stress levels better.”

“Stressed? Who was stressed?” Kaito mused, petting the koi fish, “What did we even talk about last session. Heck if I remember. Unnnneventful.”

“It’s good that you have some humor about it,” Dr. Mariah nodded, watching as Kaito got his fill of petting the koi fish before going off to wash his hands, “But I still apologize. How did your sessions with Miss Crystal go. I’m assuming you all succeeded at the homework.”

“Yeah… I dunno, I felt a lot better before I managed to go see her anyway.” Kaito shrugged, heading to his chair, “Talked with Kokichi a bit. He’s good at getting me out of my shit feelings, ya know? Hung out with Maki and Shuichi. We all talked about Zenith, and…” Kaito frowned, “Medication options, sort of. They asked me about some stuff that I’ve been meaning to tell them about for ages anyway… it was kinda nice to get it off my chest.”

“Oh? What was that?”

“I mean…” Kaito hesitated, clearly not really wanting to get into it, “Uh…like,  psychotic depress–”

“Before this goes any further?” Shucihi said, “Maki? The list.”

Maki nodded, pulling a piece of paper out of her shirt, clearly from her bra, and opening it up, “Got it.”

Dr. Mariah raised an eyebrow, “List?”

“We’re not talking about Kato all damn day today.” Shuichi huffed.

“We made a list of things we want to talk about.” Maki agreed.

“We don’t come to all these sessions just to listen to Kokichi and Kaito whine about their own problems.”

“We have our own issues we want to discuss.”

“We are actively a part of this.”

“And to prove it, we have this!” Maki said, waving the paper, glowering at Dr. Mariah as she said ominously, “The list.”

That was something Kokichi really appreciated from Dr. Mariah. She always apologized when she misstepped, and not just performative words (Kokichi could recall her immediately apologizing for calling Shuuichi an asshole their first session, and while it wasn’t performative in the way that she felt she got away with something, it definitely wasn’t an apology because she felt she did something wrong). They weren’t the only ones to reflect on their sessions and…it made him feel better about continuing to go to her. 

As Kaito explained what they’d done after the last session, he offered an encouraging smile, but before they could really continue…Shuuichi and Maki were making good on Dr. Mariah’s request from before. (...it might be good to discuss the possibility of psychotic depression, but…as Kaito said, it was only a theory. They’d talk about it for sure if he got a diagnosis.)

“Ah, so that’s what you guys were talking about…” Kokichi hummed, half amused, though he was sure there were serious talking points on the list, for how dramatic the presentation for them was. “You guys…”

“Right, then,” he tilted his head. “You mentioned something about training before, so you wanna start there? Or are there more pressing things you wanna start with?”

“Is training on the list?” Shuichi mock-whispered to Maki.

Maki peered onto the list, “Mmmmm yep.”

“Good, cause I told you to put it on the list–”

“I did, it’s right there, see?”

“Good, cause I don’t want anyone accusing us of being unprepared–” Shuichi said pointedly, giving Dr. Mariah a cool look, who raised her eyebrow at him, amused. “So we have to keep the list up to date.”

“Agreed. You have to keep these things in writing.” Maki said stiffly, tucking back her hair a bit. “Otherwise people will throw around baseless accusations–”

“Yes, yes, you two participate and now there’s proof.” Dr. Mariah said dryly, “Except, we actually have to discuss the things on your list to count them towards being part of therapy. Which you two seem to be dodging by talking around it.”

“We’re not dodging.” Shuichi said.

“We literally brought this up ourselves. I’m not sure how more direct we could be.” Maki agreed.

“Yeah, they do this sometimes.” Kaito agreed, shrugging as Shuichi and Maki both shot him an open glare, “What? You do do this. This whole… routine? You guys do? You try to talk circles around people and fill up the air and make it sound like you said a bunch of stuff while not letting anyone else in the conversation. What? You’re gonna pretend you don’t do that?” Kaito asked, chuckling wanely as Shuchi and Maki looked more uncomfortable, “We all do that. What, did you think I didn’t notice?”

“Who knows what you notice.” Shuichi grumbled.

Dr. Mariah tilted her head. Curious. “Interesting… let’s put a pin in this and come back to it. What’s this about training?”

“It’s, uh…” Kaito rubbed the back of his neck, “...what are we talking about with that, Maki? Like, we’re not disagreeing on that, so…”

Maki opened her mouth… and closed it. Brow furrowing. “It’s… important to discuss it because… we… are…” she paused some more, “...needing… help… with…”

“You don’t have to talk slower to buy time to think,” Dr. Mariah said, “You can just tell us you need time to structure your next point.”

Maki frowned at her.

Dr. Mariah stared back.

“...conceptualizing… our… future? For Timothy?”

“Ten dollar observation.” Dr. Mariah said, before sighing, “This isn’t a test… and I’m sorry that this is what our talk last time led too. I appreciate that you two came to this session determined to prove you’re willing to be involved in these discussions. But what I’m looking for in your participation isn’t a willingness to talk. It’s a willingness to be vulnerable. And, frankly, to allow specifically Kaito to be vulnerable. You two attempt to undermine and be dismissive of nearly every discussion we bring up. Every time things get too tense, you two emotionally distance yourselves from the discussion. And you don’t seem to believe there’s anything you can personally improve, communication wise, that would make these discussions easier on everyone.”

Kokichi watched his friends go back and forth with muted amusement, though…there was a deeper concern starting to brew in him. He still believed there were legitimate concerns that Maki and Shuuichi wanted to talk about. 

…but he wasn’t sure if they were things that they would be willing to talk about in front of Dr. Mariah. Or…were willing to sit down and talk about as the main topic. 

He knew all of them, to varying extents still viewed therapy as something to be graded on. That therapists were people to prove things to, and that anyone offering advice was telling them what to do. And…Kokichi understood why his family felt that way. It was just…

…he knew it would be just as unhelpful to just leave and ask them to fetch him when they were actually ready to talk. It was unhelpful in general, but…to Maki and Shuuichi, it would just, if he weren’t himself, cross him off as a person to ever confess things to. 

As he thought, Kokichi’s amusement faded off his face, replaced with concern, especially when Shuuichi grumbled something that was close to an actual grievance. He knew Maki and Shuuichi could be vulnerable. There had been a good handful of hushed, private conversations between them, and more likely when Kokichi wasn’t present. 

It just…wasn’t often. And what was often was…as Dr. Mariah said. The two of them closing themselves off, cracking dry jokes and cutting people off to change the conversation. As Kaito pointed out too, it was something he did as well. 

…and as much as he just tried to take it with humor…it was something that had taken Kokichi a long, long time to even accept.

Fussing with his fingers for a moment, Kokichi looked up at Shuuichi and Maki for a moment. “...I know we all agree we should be here. We’ve talked about that enough. But…can I ask? Shuu-chan, Maki-chan…what are you hoping to get out of therapy?”

Shuichi sighed, “Isn’t that what we already discussed, the… why is this worth it stuff? Do we have to hash through that again?”

“No, Kokichi has a valid question.” Dr. Mariah said, tapping her small, thin fingers against the journal, her perfectly manicured nails shining in the sunlight, “It’s a question I try not to ask early in sessions, because I’ve found most patients don’t tend to know quite what they want out of therapy until they understand what it’s really about. But… well, having one of you bring it up yourselves? I suppose it’s time to talk about it.”

Considering all of them, Dr. Mariah tapped, tapped, tapped at her journal… “Kaito?”

Kaito sighed, looking immediately heavier, “Yeah?”

“Let’s do you first.”

Kaito winced, “...really? Why do… I mean…”

Dr. Mariah smiled softly, “I know, I know. It’s all been about you lately. Indulge me, I’m chasing a specific idea. What do you want out of therapy?”

“To be better.” Kaito said, without much hesitancy, though he looked warily at Dr. Mairah, like he was expecting to be corrected, “A better husband, better father, better friend… I want to be what my family needs. I can’t do that with all my weird hangups. I needed help.”

“There. Solid start. I wanted to use Kaito as an easy example of the difference between why these relationships are worth the struggle, and what we personally want to get out of them.” Dr. Mariah said, giving Kaito an approving nod, “Good. Excellent example.”

Kaito chewed on his lip, nodding uncertainly. Doubt filling him. Dr. Mariah felt a little confused about that, smelling it on him, but… why? He had been honest in his answer, as she had suspected he would. She had praised him for it. Why the doubt?

Pin in it. They’d go back to it.

Turning to Kokichi next, she said, “Kokichi? As the person to bring it up first, did you have an answer in mind already? Or should we circle back?”

…he’d had a small suspicion, but Shuuichi answered it. 

But thankfully Dr. Mariah wasn’t going to let the topic be brushed aside. It…genuinely was something Kokichi wondered about for his more stoic friends. 

Kokichi gave his husband a soft look, first in compassion, knowing that while he was more back to himself, Kaito wasn’t exactly emotionally bursting with energy to dive back into his own issues, but…the look quickly melted into adoration as Kaito answered. It was brave to admit it when you needed help, and admirable to both have love for others, and know that you needed help to be better for them. To want to be better for them. 

After all…

Giving their therapist a small smile, Kokichi nodded. “I have an answer, yeah. It’s pretty similar to Kai-chan’s actually--I want to be better for the people I love.”

“I was…in a really bad place when we all first met,” Kokichi continued, frowning softly. “Not just for myself, but for the people around me. How I treated and thought about the people who care about me, and who I care about. I’m proud of the strides I’ve made since then, but…I still hurt a lot of people, and treated them poorly, or even just not how I want to treat them, and…you guys are included in that. I have a lot of bad habits and tendencies and…I want to learn how to create better habits, and more accurately act how I want to. So I can love and treat people the way I think they should be treated.”

Dr. Mariah sniffed the air, licking her lips slightly. Truthful, and some of the doubt had eased out of Kaito. Interesting. This group never ran out of interesting little tastes.

“Very good.” She said, looking to Maki.

Maki raised an eyebrow, “Why me next? The question was for Shuichi first.”

“I’m giving him time to think,” Dr. Mariah said honestly, “And, otherwise… why not you? It’s a question for everyone.”

“...” Maki crossed her arms over her chest, leaning back into the seat, “...I don’t have an answer prepared either.”

Dr. Mariah nodded, looking to Shuichi. “Shuichi?”

“... I…” Shuichi’s gaze flickered to Kaito and Kokichi, “...want to be better.”

Dr. Mariah gave him a long look… before quietly shaking her head. 

Shuichi frowned. “...you accepted that answer from them.”

“They were being honest.” Dr. Mariah sighed, “It’s not a test, again… but I do need you to actually think about your answer. You can’t just take theirs because thinking about it makes you uncomfortable.”

Shuichi’s lips pursed a little, his eyes going cold.

“... maybe I’m approaching this wrong.” Dr. Mariah sighed, “Shuichi… what’s your worst case scenario here? If you speak honestly about how you feel about this? What will go wrong?”

“...”

“...”

“... I…” Shuichi sighed, lowering his hat, “am worried that… even if I do think about it, I won’t have a good answer. A worthwhile one. And Kaito and Kokchi will see how selfish I am.”

At this, Dr. Mariah’s face softened. “Ah, I see… that is a difficult worst case scenario to face. To have your loved ones view you as worse than you actually are.”

“I am selfish.”

“I don’t agree. But let’s open the floor,” She looked to Kokichi and Kaito, “What do we think of Shuichi’s worst case scenario?”

…an answer prepared… Prepared. 

Even if Shuuichi hadn’t glanced at them, Kokichi still would’ve been able to tell he was lying. He’d be delighted if Shuuichi did want to better himself for them! But…without more clarification…that just wasn’t the kind of motivations Shuuichi tended to have. 

And that was the core of it, it seemed. 

Kokichi sighed and scooted forward in his egg, leaning over his legs dangling from the edge as he gave Shuuichi a kind look. “I can see why that’s scary, like Dr. Mariah said. But…I think being selfish is a lot of things. And…even if you “are” something, that doesn’t necessarily inform the actions you take. But for the kind of selfish I think Shuu-chan is? I don’t believe that’s a bad trait to have.”

Smiling a little wider, he explained, “I like knowing that you’re going to prioritize yourself in most cases. I know you love me an’ Kai-chan an’ Maki-chan and Miya, and I’m more than confident in that love to know that even if you’re prioritizing yourself in a direct situation, you’re not going to treat us badly. I like knowing you’re going to choose to be safe, and that you’ll refuse to carve away pieces of yourself for another person. I think that’s something to admire, honeybear.”

“Your motivations are for yourself. Honestly…” Kokichi let out a little sigh. “...that’s part of why I thought therapy would be good for you. Kai-chan and I may have motivations that are tied to other people, but…therapy, if it’s something you’re not told to go to, is selfish.”

“Yeah, I mean… selfish feels like a hash word, but you’re not ‘tricking us’, if that’s what you think handsome.” Kaito said, piggy backing off of Kokichi’s reassurances, while Shuichi gave them uncertain looks, “We already know this about you. We love you. All parts of you. You’re not going to tell us something and, like… it’s gonna end up being ‘oh no, ‘Kichi, did you know that about Shuichi?’” Kaito said, widening his eyes like he was shocked, before relaxing, “Like… if that moment was gonna come? At least for me, I think it would have happened when I found out you kept a year long conspiracy to murder my entire family. That didn’t change my understanding of you as a person, which says plenty on its own… no offense.”

“...none…” Shuichi hesitated, before sighing, “No, that’s a lie. Some offense taken, but… I suppose nothing I didn’t earn…”

“I think I have my answer.” Maki said.

“Oh?” Dr. Mariah said, “Please, go ahead then.”

Maki sighed. “...I wasn’t expecting anything from therapy. That’s why you’re pissed at us all the time, right?” She asked, her blood eyes giving Dr. Mariah a newly understanding look, “And I’m guessing that’s why Shuichi feels selfish, because I bet his answer is similar. I came here because I thought Kaito needed me to be here. To deal with his anger towards me and what happened. I don’t need anything from them, I’m here because they need me…”

“...but you know that’s incorrect,” Dr. Mariah said softly, “Don’t you?”

“I’m starting to suspect that, yes.” Maki said softly.

Shuichi sighed, Maki ripping off the bandaid, “...I felt the same way, when we started. That I wasn’t here because I needed any specific help with our relationship as a group. That I was just here to support their issues… though, I would have added in Maki to the ‘them’.”

“Same for you.” Maki smirked.

“Why did that feel selfish?” Dr. Mariah asked. “To be here only for them?”

“Because… it’s me…” Shuichi rolled his eyes, “Refusing to be vulnerable. Which feels selfish when I ask them to do it, expect them to do it. And I think I have been, vulnerable, I mean. Talking about Nao wasn’t easy… it still isn't. Not really. And Maki’s been honest about things too, talking about her fears of not being enough for us wasn’t easy… but those things felt like exceptions. Accidents. Like we just kind of stumbled into them.”

…that was something they’d have to get into eventually. They had talked about it to some extent, but…it was the beating a dead horse principle. It had been such a huge, awful thing, and Kaito was still hurt. It was worth revisiting. 

But not right now. 

There would always be surprises to discover in living your life with someone but…at the core of the people they were? Kokichi felt like he had a pretty damn good idea of who Shuuichi and Maki were. The things that motivated them, what tendencies they’d lean on. And…it didn’t feel like there were any deep, dark secrets that would recontextualize everything about them. 

…he hadn’t felt like that with Nao either, but…he hadn’t been looking that hard. 

But Kokichi wasn’t going to let his belief crumble. 

Nodding softly, Kokichi sighed. “...I trust you guys a lot. Which is why I know I can be vulnerable. But…it is harder when I…can’t expect it in return. Because…sometimes it feels like you’re only vulnerable when things hit a breaking point. And…”

Kokichi hesitated. Because it was kind of speaking for Kaito, and…he didn’t like the idea of it. But they were trying to be honest.

Taking a breath, Kokichi straightened, though his gaze was on the pond. “...and most of the time, when I confide in you guys…you’re kind. I feel heard and supported, and…that’s wonderful. That’s a great thing that you don’t necessarily have to be vulnerable in return to provide.”

“...but sometimes…it feels that when Kai-chan is vulnerable about things you’re just like… ‘wow, sucks, anyway.’ Or…talk like he shouldn’t be upset or sensitive or hurt or anything in the first place.”

“...and that kinda pisses me off,” Kokichi muttered softly. 

Kaito tensed up, fussing with his knuckles, eyes darting around in a nervous, uncertain way. It was a nice day, warm, the air smelled okay, the market was busy today, it’s fine, everything’s fine…

Dr. Mariah looked at him, wondering if she should draw him into the discussion… before deciding against it. Kaito already had that jumpy look to him. Better to let him call down before asking how he felt about it.

Looking back to Maki and Shuichi…

She found she wasn’t surprised when after a moment, Shuichi and Maki both said respectively, “We don’t do that./Do we do that?” before looking at each other.

“No, we don’t…. Kaito has a touch for the dramatics we both know that.” Shuichi argued, while Maki crossed her legs, “He usually needs us to be a dose of reality. Otherwise he’ll… run off and start talking to himself–”

“But he hasn’t been talking to himself. And those weren’t him being overly dramatic.” Maki reminded Shuichi, “Kaito just told us the other day that he and Miss Crystal are waiting for him to hear voices again… that’s not his imagination running off on him or being overdramatic. That’s out of his control.”

“Well, we always knew he can get… caught up… like we knew it wasn’t entirely under his control…”

“I’m going to interrupt you here.” Dr. Mariah sighed, “You’re not emotionally unintelligent people, despite how determined you are sometimes to prove me otherwise. Look at the last two minutes. Can either of you see the problem with your communication here?”

“...”

“...”

“...” Kaito grit his teeth, “Come fucking on guys. Stop… fucking talking about me like you have to fucking manage me. Fuck.”

Standing up, Kaito ran his hand through his hair, gritting his teeth… before growling, “Fuck. Again. Why do you… why do you… why do you guys always talk like I’m just going to sit there and not fucking hear you? Like I’m not listening? Sometimes it feels like you’re this fucking close to just spelling out words aloud, like I’m too stupid to undertand you. I don’t… why won’t you just talk to me? Why do you guys keep reverting to talking around me?!”

“... habit.” Maki sighed, giving Kaito a hard look, not trying to intimidate or even really convey a message through the look. Just more feeling tired and a little self-admonishing and wearing that feeling on her face. Because Shuichi and her had talked about this before, on this very roof, but… she guessed some things couldn’t be unlearned in a single revelation as she said, “Because for our whole lives, Kaito, we could just say things around you, and you’d… I was never really sure. Pretend you didn’t hear us? Actually didn’t? Strategically zone out? … Kaito, we used to be able to just say things right in front of you, and it’s like you weren’t there. And… that’s a difficult habit to break, after a lifetime of doing it.”

Kokichi’s brows furrowed. …so what if Kaito was dramatic? That wasn’t a reason to dismiss his concerns. And, he’d argue, Kaito hearing voices or getting ‘caught up’ was even more reason to hear him out. There was a big difference between putting things into perspective for someone and making out like everything they were saying was nonsense and what Shuuichi and Maki sometimes did was definitely not the former. 

Kaito did need support. Like any person did. Maybe he needed a little more consideration, but then, so did Kokichi. But neither of them needed to be managed.

…and even if it was habit?

Even if they talked about stuff that Kaito’s conditioning blocked out for him, and so, yeah, it would be futile to keep engaging Kaito in those conversations, and they couldn’t always wait to have time alone to talk, so they wouldn’t be leaving him out anyway…

Kokichi sighed, taking his anger and letting it go. “...okay,” he acknowledged. “Habits are hard to break. And it’s not always a matter of just “trying harder” to break them…”

“But you both know it’s a shitty habit.” It wasn’t a question. Kokichi looked to Shuuichi. “So don’t try to pretend that it’s not something you’re doing, or that it’s for Kai-chan’s sake. It’s insulting to all of us. And…”

Kokichi took a deep breath and bowed his head to Kaito for a moment. “...please stop me if I’m going too far. I can’t speak for your feelings, and I don’t want to.”

“...but having a habit of not knowing if you’re being heard doesn’t immediately translate to downplaying someone genuinely trying to confide in you. That’s not you talking, and Kai-chan not listening,” Kokichi pointed out, sitting straight again. “That’s him talking and you not listening.”

Maki and Shuichi both looked to Kokichi… and this time it was Maki who withdrew, while Shuichi leaned forward. Understanding, painful and unwelcome, but still there as he said softly, “...I guess that’s true.”

Shuichi entwined his fingers, pressing his index fingers long ways, looking uncertain, “... I…  I don’t think Kaito is…” And then realizing what he was doing, Shuichi sighed, looking to Kaito, “I don’t think you’re stupid, but we’ve talked about that before, and it’s still true that sometimes I treat you like you are. I’m sorry, I keep trying to be better about that, Kaito, but … well, I’m not as diligent about it as I should be.”

“...so?” Kaito asked, looking frustrated, “That doesn’t have anything to do with what we were talking about?”

“No, I know, you just said earlier… nevermind, you’re right, I’m not… this is hard.” Shuichi whispered.

“Yeah, well, this is what I did for the last few days, so maybe you can be a little honest about your feelings for five whole fucking minutes.” Kaito snarled, rage flashing though his face as he clenched his fists, “It can’t always be on me, Shuichi, I’m tired of thi–”

“Kaito, let’s take a minute–”

“NO!” Kaito suddenly shouted, turning on Dr. Mariah, that rage still there, “No one gets to interrupt me right now! I get it, it’s bad when Kaito gets emotional because he has a temper, but I’m not attacking anyone, and I’m not destroying anything, and I am… okay, admittedly I am yelling!” He realized, blinking uncertainly, the wind taken out of his sails, swallowing hard for a moment, “...I will… stop yelling… also, I’m sorry to your neighbors. But I’m still pissed! And, I am allowed to be angry. It’s always on me to take it on the chin and I… I can’t anymore, Shuichi. You’re…”

Kaito’s shoulders fell, the truth shaking him a little as he said, “You three are my literal everything right now. My whole world. I don’t have anyone else anymore. I can’t find random friends in a bar who will lift my ego, I don’t have any easy confidants willing to listen, or anyone’s arms to crawl into to distract me. I only have you three. If you’re going to be dicks to me, then that’s it, that’s my entire world. And I just… can’t.”

There was silence. Kaito huffing, every second of silence filling him with uncertainty and doubt as Maki and Shuichi just stared at him.

…enough silence went by that Dr. Mariah said, “I’m sorry I interrupted before, Kaito. But we should take five minutes. Let everyone take a breath, get their thoughts together.”

Kaito’s shoulders fell in disappointment. “Yeah… okay… I’m gonna take a walk.” He said, running his hands though his hair and heading to the other side of the roof.

…honestly, Kokichi felt the same as Kaito’s ire. Yeah. Being vulnerable and taking a real hard look at yourself was hard. That was why they took breaks, took the time to recharge. It was why all Kokichi wanted to do when he came home from therapy was cuddle with whoever was free and just zone out for a bit. Because it was difficult and took a lot of energy and…

…Shuuichi and Maki, barring the days where it happened by accident, left all that work to Kokichi and Kaito. 

Kaito shouldn’t always have to be the person who has to apologize. It shouldn’t be up to only him to bend to keep a relationship, because the other person was unwilling to put in the effort. 

Shuuichi and Maki weren’t always right. 

It was apparent how much Kokichi’s heart was breaking as he watched Kaito just…not be able to do it anymore. They had talked about it, had resolved to open up Kaito’s world more, but…as it was now? They were his world. And…his world wasn’t providing for him. 

Slipping out of his chair, Kokichi gave the others a short nod before following Kaito to the other side of the roof, gently putting a hand on Kaito’s back, silently asking if touch was okay.

“... am I being unreasonable?” Kaito asked him quietly, leaning against the safety wall, gripping his fists and looking frustrated to even ask, “I know sometimes I get unreasonable and… I just can’t see it. You can tell me…”

“No,” Kokichi said softly, pressing a little more firmly against Kaito’s back. A physical way to show that he was there. “We’re all unreasonable sometimes--we’re people. And it is important to call each other out when we are. But wanting your partners to express emotional investment in you and your relationship is…kind of the bare minimum.”

“...I’m sorry I didn’t say something sooner.”

“It’s not your responsibility.” Kaito murmured, though his hands relaxed, put at ease by the reassurance. He still looked nervously over his shoulder, before letting out a heavy breath of air, too frustrated to be called a sigh, half a growl as he said, “And… we’ve talked about this before. Sort of… I don’t know how many more ways I can say this without just…”

Kaito swallowed, looking more frustrated as he thumped his forehead against the hard joints of his thumb muscles, do it again, “Shuichi can’t be someone who puts me down all the time… cause I can’t be with someone like that. I can’t be in a relationship where I’m always the bad guy, no matter what I do, I can’t… I can’t always be the bad guy. I know I’ve done a lot of things to hurt a lot of people and I haven't always been good to all of you and I’ve made so many mistakes, but I can’t live like this, I can’t…”

“...but that’s a lot of bullshit, because there’s no part of me that could ever leave them.” Kaito whispered, “I love you guys, you’re my everything. And not just cause I don’t have a social life outside of you, distractions would help, sure, but… no ones opinion or happiness or love for me matters to me more than you three’s. I know that’s not healthy to say and it makes me a bad person because everyone matters and all of that, I know, I know, but when it comes to just… who I want to be around, and who I’d sacrifice the most for, and who I would prioritize above everyone else… you three come first.”

“So I can say anything I fucking want about leaving or not putting up with it, or whatever… it’s all bullshit. I’m never going anywhere.” Kaito murmured, sounding more like he was talking to himself than anyone else, “So it’s… so scary. To say any of you are cruel to me, or would go out of your way to hurt me or dismiss me, because if that’s true? What the fuck can I even do about it… I can’t just tell Shuichi and Maki that they’re being absolute assholes to me, cause… what if just saying it isn’t enough? What if they’re not willing to stop… how fucking hopeless would that be…”

“...sorry.” Kaito murmured, resting his head in his arms, “They’re right, I am over dramatic… it’s probably not that serious, I’m just… really fucking caught up in my feelings right now. Sorry, beautiful…”

“I can’t manage all of your actions and feelings…but I am your partner,” Kokichi said softly. “And Shuu-chan’s partner. And Maki-chan’s friend. And, out of respect and love for each of you…I should speak up if I see something wrong. So we can address it in any way it needs to be addressed. Looking out for each other is what we do.”

Kokichi took a deep breath, regretting some of the things he’d said in the past. “...it doesn’t make you a bad person to prioritize us. It just makes you a normal person, hun. To have your people. I think everyone is important, deserving of the dignity to live their lives healthily and pursue fun. So, that’s what I work for. But as for the people I want to see everyday, who I want to hear talk about anything under the sun, every idle thought they want to share, who I would go above and beyond to protect, not just for life, but for…everything? That’s you.”

And…with Kaito, it wasn’t scary to want that, because Kokichi knew that he felt that way too. Without that assurance…

Kokichi’s lips tightened before he kissed Kaito’s shoulder, pressing his whole body close for a moment. “...you’re not being overdramatic. And I think you should say this to the group. But…my own stance on it…”

“...you shouldn’t have to be able to threaten them for them to treat you well. They shouldn’t be able to hold your relationship as leverage over you.” Kokichi sighed. “...I’ve always had an issue with Maki-chan’s ideas that to do anything, there has to be a consequence. Sometimes…things are worth doing because you care. Because it’s the right thing to do.”

“Shuu-chan and Maki-chan aren’t cruel, and they love you. If you tell them that they’re being assholes, and that it’s hurting you…they should choose to stop. Not because you have anything over them, but…because you shouldn’t want to hurt the people you love.”

“Right?? I mean, yeah… right.” Kaito said, nodding his head firmly as he leaned against his elbows, staring vaguely over the other building ahead of them, to the trees beyond as he said, “Right… it should be enough that they love me. It should be enough…”

“...but it so often isn’t.” Kaito said quietly, “And I just… I need them so much, ya know? I let everything go, everything, all the shit they did, because I need them. Because I love them more than anything… you’re right.” Kaito said, straightening up, a frustrated look in his eyes, something hard in them, “I need to tell them this. I can’t keep doing this. If they’re going to be assholes to me for the rest of our lives? Fuck it, they’re at least going to know I fucking know it. Who knows what Kaito notices? Fuck you, Shuichi…”

 He hesitated, before deciding, “I probably won’t say that last bit.”

Looking to Kokchi, preparing to go back, he said, “You swear I’m not being unreasonable. You’d tell me before I go back and risk embarrassing myself arguing with them?”

…it should be enough. It should’ve been enough for Kaito to be his parents’ child for them to love him and express that. It should’ve been enough for Kaito to be his brother’s brother to love him and respect him as a person. It should’ve been enough for his more than one night lovers to treat him well and express the same considerations. It should be enough for Maki and Shuuichi to be kind. 

Kokichi was annoyed on his own about that comment, but he still gave Kaito a slight smile as he rolled back that last insult to their partner. “I swear, on my pride as an Ouma, and my devotion to you, that you’re not being unreasonable. If you are, then I’m just as unreasonable as you, ‘cause I’m pissed too. Let’s have an honest conversation with each other.”

…and hopefully Shuuichi and Maki wouldn’t choose to be jerks for the rest of their lives. Hopefully…Kokichi and Kaito would be enough.

Kaito nodded, again, reassured by the validation. He wasn’t being unreasonable, he wasn’t being the bad guy right now. He wasn’t attacking anyone or destroying anything, and he would… really try to keep his shouting under control. He wouldn’t scream. This wasn’t about intimidating his friends, he needed to control his temper, and everything would be fine… he wouldn’t be the bad guy… he didn’t have to back down…

Reassuring himself he had a right to be angry, Kaito headed back.

Dr. Mariah, who had been watching Shuichi and Maki talk, turned her own blood eyes to the approaching princes, looking… regal, was the word that came to Kaito’s mind. Full. Powerful. There was a certain glow to her that took him off guard for a moment, undercut some of his fury as he found himself staring at her, an ancient instinct in him warning ‘Predator’... but he watched her expression soften as she caught his gaze, and that ancient instinct eased, leaving Kaito confused why he had felt like that in the first place as the small, petite woman with her wide, child-like eyes said, “Do you need more time, Kaito? It’s okay, these have been a difficult few days. Breaks are encouraged.”

“No, no, I… do you guys need more time?” Kaito asked, looking to his friends, who looked back to him.

“No,” Shuichi said softly, looking to Maki for his own reassurance, who nodded to him, before he refocused on Kaito, “Kaito, look… Kokichi was right, even taking into account your conditioning growing up, we maybe don’t always give the same considerations to you when you talk about something bothering you that we would give anyone else, but… you always seem to prefer it, when we talk bluntly to you, you–”

“No.” Kaito interrupted, the anger already back and Kaito, more in preparation than anything else, pulling his stone out of his pocket, “No. You don’t get to make this my fault. No. I know what you’re going to say, and it’s not mindreading–” Kaito snapped, looking to Dr. Mariah, “because… okay, maybe it’s still technically mind reading, but it’s based on historical precedence, cause, if I had to justify how you guys talk to me, I’d argue that I trained you into it by constantly positively reinforcing it in order to give you guys a sense of self confidence and to make you less intimidated around me. Right?”

“If you already know, then you can understand why it’s a difficult thing to get past?” Shuichi said, anger flashing coldly in his own face, not enjoying his own speech being mimicked back to him before he had a chance to say it. “You designed this.”

“Designed? What, did I condition you?” Kaito frowned, pulling his mouth back, barring his teeth as he said, “Just because I didn’t always get mad when you guys ignored me or downplayed things I said doesn’t mean you two suddenly became brainwashed idiots. I shouldn’t have had to make you stop! I shouldn’t have to have this conversation right fucking now! You’re not mindless slaves and I’m not your fucking master, I don’t have control over what you do, and you both should already know you don’t fucking treat a guy like that.”

“We’re not–”

“Shuichi,” Dr. Mariah said, “I understand you feel like you’re in a team right now, but ‘we’ statements is a sort of mindreading technique, and when used in an argument, it’s a gaslighting technique too, trying to silence other arguments by presenting your own opinion as a majority consensus. Please use I statements, even if you think Maki agrees.”

“Uh, but–”

“If Maki agrees,” Dr. Mariah said, looking to Maki, who stared blankly back, “She can speak up. That’s part of communication. You have to be willing to speak for yourself.”

Maki considered this… before sighing. Crossing her arms as she said, “It’s like when he was cutting himself. We did it with that too. Kaito not showing signs of distress and not complaining shouldn’t have over-ridden our common sense. Of course bleeding himself that much should have been a massive red-flag something was wrong, but we just kept letting him do it.”

“Wait… are you arguing my side or his?” Shuichi asked, looking confused.

“We’re not at war. This isn’t sides.” Maki said, no heat radiating off of her as she gave her brother a steady look, “Kaito’s trying to talk to us, and we’re trying to talk to him. That’s the whole point of this, right? We’re communicating. Kaito does go out of his way to convince us that he can take a shit-ton of abuse without it affecting him. You’re right. But Kaito’s right too. It’s really fucking stupid to pretend that him doing that means we don’t know that stuff will hurt him. We’re all adults, we know better.”

(...huh. Hunger?)

(Look at the book.)

Right off the bat, Kokichi’s lips tightened, though Kaito was ready to speak for himself. There was a difference between speaking bluntly and disregarding someone. Yes, you can be honest if something doesn’t interest you. But if everything a person says and does doesn’t interest you, and yet you say you care about them…that’s a problem with you, not a problem with honesty. 

…Kokichi had always hated when people equated honesty with cruelty. It wasn’t a dose of reality--it was exposing themselves as cruel. 

And even if it was a difficult habit to break…that didn’t mean you could give up trying to break it. It didn’t give you a pass to brush off slip-ups without admitting to your wrong.

Kokichi just watched Kaito and Shuuichi for a moment, a little…baffled why Shuuichi was arguing at all, and he gave a little sigh of relief when Maki joined in. And…she basically summed up his own thoughts on the situation. Because…well, he could see the similarities enough. 

Softly, Kokichi gave Shuuichi a tired look. “Kai-chan’s saying that your actions have hurt him. And…from how I see it, at least, what you’re trying to argue is that you’re not going to take responsibility for your own actions, and that it was his fault for…” Kokichi’s lips quivered for a moment but he carried on without a hitch, “Not coping well. Yes, communicating is something, I agree, he could work on. But…are you at least going to admit that you hurt him?”

“How was I supposed to… I took him, I took you,” Shuichi said, struggling to look at Kokichi so refocusing on Kaito, “at your word! I can apologize for hurting you, but it’s ultimately… you have to take some responsibility for how people treat you, Kaito! You can’t just lead us by the nose to do this or that to you and then randomly just turn around and start saying it all hurt you, that’s not fair to us–”

“We statements.” Dr. Mariah corrected.

“--...me. That’s not fair to me.” Shuichi said, though he winced as he said it. The act of saying ‘me’ somehow feeling worse and less justified then saying ‘us’ as he continued, “You were fine with it a year ago! You’ve been fine with it for thirteen years–”

“What, were you fine being Indentured!? Being conditioned and being a second-class citizen? Because I know you weren’t, Maki had a whole damn murder wall to prove it, and!...” Kaito winced, his jaw clicking as he said, “...and I regret every day ever trying to argue that it was fine because you guys seemed fine… and I realize saying that out loud that I’ve never apologized for that. Because fuck, every time I defended that program usng you two as an example of why it worked, that must have hurt so fucking bad… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I ever did that…”

“But… I know better. I would have known better if all of that… stuff. Wasn’t…”  Kaito hesitated, suddenly on less certain footing, doubt and self-hatred distracting him from the argument he was trying to have as another way he fucked up barreled into him, “Maybe that’s me not taking responsibility for how I hurt you, suggesting it was the… the conditioning that made me think like that. Maybe I should have known better anyway and I can’t use that as an excuse… I don’t know, I really don’t. I don’t know what parts of me are me growing and what parts are that stuff in my head… easing by itself, or… I’m sorry I ever defended the program, just cause I thought… I thought you guys were handling it well…”

“...but. But!” Kaito said, forcing himself back on the attack, “I should have known better. And so should you! Us not being willing to complain, or… or even not just that, us trying to force others to treat us badly, and even saying ‘forced’ is wrong, encouraged?...” Kaito glanced at Kokichi, before saying firmly, “That doesn’t justify people doing it. If I said I wanted you all to burn me, and you did? You know who’s responsible for burning me? Still you. Because I don’t need to, I shouldn’t need to, explain that burning, or hurting, or abusing people is bad.”

“We thought we were helping you!” Shuichi suddenly hissed, standing up, his eyes cold and furious, “We really were! Don’t we get points for–”

“No.” Maki said, sighing, still calm. No heat. “I disagree. Not that we weren’t trying to help, we were. Speaking bluntly with Kaito was a way to get through to him, sometimes, and I do that to a lot of people to get through to them… but all that other stuff that came with being aggressive with him? Being mean or dismissive? That wasn’t helpful, that was just us getting away with it because we could, cause we found out we could while trying to help him, and he couldn’t bring himself to stop us. No one’s ever made us stop. It’s not suddenly okay just because no one stopped us and we wanted to help.”

Maki shot Shuichi a suddenly heated look as she said, “And I won’t ever, ever argue anything else. Because I will never let anyone try to throw my words back at me and say that all that shit that happened with Nao was correct, for that exact same fucking argument. Understand?”

Shuichi looked slapped. Kaito winced too, suddenly looking nervous, the anger bleeding out of him as he said, “Woah, wait, wait, no, I’m not… I’m not comparing anyone here to Nao, okay… that’s not the same thing.”

That was the issue. To respect people’s autonomy, you wanted to take them at their word. Projecting problems that weren’t there and trying to fix them without that person’s say-so was a huuuge issue. But…if you were poking someone with a stick, and they said it was okay…that wasn’t a go ahead to keep doing it if you saw blood. 

Usually, it was just harder to see metaphorical blood, especially if you weren’t sure if you were poking a stick. 

But…more than that… “...you say you can apologize, but will you? Because you didn’t even start with one.”

Kokichi…didn’t think it was quite fair to compare Kaito’s friends’ disregard for his emotional well-being to the systematic abuse and oppression they had suffered but…well. His point was made. None of them had really been fine. And while Kaito wasn’t at fault for them being in the program…he had shoved it in their faces, time to time. 

So…that was an apology overdue. 

Kokichi’s eyebrows furrowed, taking a bit of issue at Shuuichi claiming points, like there was some kind of scale or prize at stake here, but…

…all the fight went out of him as Maki brought up Nao. Ice chilled in the bottom of his stomach, and…before he could stop himself, Kokichi turned to Shuuichi.

“Shuu-chan? …do you believe that it wasn’t her fault for hurting you?”

They’d talked about it before, but…there was a big difference between knowing something logically, and knowing it emotionally, and Shuuichi had a rough time with the latter when they didn’t initially align. 

“...” Shuichi grit his teeth, lowering his brim over his eyes.

“Wait, I… wait, I don’t want to make this argument if it somehow becomes about Shuichi or Maki being like Nao. That’s not the same thing.” Kaito insisted, “Being kind of jerks to me sometimes doesn’t fucking equal attacks and assualts. That’s not what I’m saying.”

“That’s not what I’m saying either.” Maki said, shrugging, “But again, this is about communicating, right? This isn’t about one of us being right, it’s about… I don’t know how to describe it. The worst case scenarios thing and how we think and… you know what I’m trying to say, right?” Maki gave up, looking to Dr. Mariah.

“Extreme, worst case scenarios tend to be reflective of smaller, more true to life things we believe and influence our actions.” Dr. Mariah said, giving Maki an openly approving look, extremely pleased by her participation this session, “Maki, as I’ve been asked to clarify, brings up Nao not as a direct comparison, but as the extreme option of Shuichi’s way of thinking, as a clear example of why his actions skew the way they do. Which is useful, because as Kokichi points out, this revelation of the worst case scenario doesn’t just affect how Shuichi treats others, but how he lets others treat him.”

“...I ruined Nao’s life.” Shuichi said beneath the hat, tensing as he waited for Kaito to explode… and when nothing happened continued on, “I ruined her job, her relationships… I know, I know, we’ve talked about this already, I know. Nao made her own choices, but… I literally begged her to do it. Everyone thought I was going to die, including Seiko, and… and she did a lot of other things she didn’t have to do, sure, but I begged her to do it.”

“And it’s not like I’m alone in thinking that.” Shuichi said quietly, still beneath his hat, “Isn’t that why she had to resign from the job herself, and sign herself up for therapy? I gave her permission, every step of the way. I begged her to do it. Everyone knows she’s not responsible for what happened, because I made her do it… but she’s a good person and her life got ruined anyway, because she was still trying to help me. It’s not her fault, I made her do it, and she ruined her life for me… and I’m so conflicted all the time, because a part of me knows that’s not true. We’ve talked about this, I know it’s not my fault, but…”

Thin tears dipped below the hats covering, dripping down his chin, “... both logics make sense to me. And I don’t know which one I really believe… the intention should matter… shouldn’t it?”

“...is Kaito mad?” Shuichi whispered in Maki’s direction, not looking.

“Um…” Maki looked at Kaito, who just looked exhausted back, “...not yet.”

“Dammit.” Kaito muttered.

Kokichi let out a stuttered breath, his heart breaking all over again. Every time Shuuichi said he ruined Nao’s life…it infuriated him. And it hurt. Because Shuuichi had been out of his mind and constantly on the verge of death, and yet…he still took responsibility for the person that made it all worse. 

Another breath, and Kokichi ran a hand over his face before speaking in a weak voice. “Intention matters…but not in the way that it can override actions. Intention matters, because getting in a fight and breaking someone’s arm is a different situation if you did it because they were threatening someone else, or if you got in a fight for fun.”

“...intention matters…because it informs what you’re going to do after.” Kokichi sucked in a breath. “Someone with good intentions is going to look for a way to right what wrongs they caused. Someone with bad intentions is…just going to try and save their own skin. Or not care at all.”

Another face scrub. “...Nao resigned and got into therapy herself because she did everything either before anyone knew what happened, or did it faster than the courts could process. No one…” Kokichi choked for a short moment. “No one fucking thinks it was your fault. If they did, you would’ve been called for a court appearance by now, and-kkh!”

It was an odd, foreign-sounding noise from Kokichi’s throat, the harsh pulse of a laugh. “No, I haven’t negotiated any terms on your behalf.”

Kaito shot Kokchi a worried look at the laugh– he recognized despair based mania when he heard it, he had heard that same desperate laughter shoot out of his own mouth plenty of times– and still found himself staring and standing awkwardly, the passion and fire that had brought him to his feet to fight draining out of him in light of this new issue. New-ish to Kaito, anyway… Shuichi never talked to him about stuff like this.

There was a part of Kaito that wanted to double down on what Kokichi was saying, if only to reassure Shuichi that his instincts weren’t bad… that if he was conflicted or hurt because a good person had seriously hurt him and he didn’t know what to think about it, then Kaito could relate, at least a little, and that Kokichi’s point was valid. That sometimes good people did terrible things to you and you were just left to wonder what you had done to deserve it…

But that would require Kaito to even entertain the idea that Nao was a good person, and he still would pretty cheerfully push her off this building, if he ever thought he could get away with it. So he didn’t know what to say. 

He wished it wouldn’t feel selfish to bring the conversation back to himself. Because he wanted Shuichi to stop crying and he wanted Nao to not have the benefit of any doubt and he suddenly knew what he really wanted to say to Shuichi and Maki, when it was all said and done, because he knew it was what he wished Nao had done for Shuichi. What he wished Kokichi’s family had done for him. What he wished Luminary had done for indentured’s.

“...Kokichi’s right, it’s not your fault.” Kaito said, heading over to Shuichi and, taking his arm, pulling him out of the chair, drawing him into a hug, “...it’s like aftercare.”

“Kaito.” Shuichi groaned into Kaito’s shoulders.

“No! Really! Really, I think I have a point! Like… sometimes we have to be mean to each other to get something accomplished, right? For someone else’s or maybe even our own benefit? That happens, that’s hard to get around… but when that thing is done? And it’s not needed anymore? We should all be making every effort possible to be honest with the person about why we did it, and hear how they're feeling and apologize for what went too far, and make certain they know they’re still loved and worthy and important… this would all be different, if Nao, between the… the things she did to ‘help you’,” Kaito said, growling a little, “if she hadn’t decided to just let you believe all that stuff was real? If she had taken the tougher path of reminding you that you were good and important and worthy, of being kind to you in between the points she couldn’t be? You wouldn’t be filled with all this fucking doubt over what happend, and she’d still probably be the librarian, and I’d have probably thanked her.”

“The same with Kokichi and his family… I think.” Kaito said, blinking back to Kokichi, “At some point… at some point everyone started calling you a brat. And I know how much these people adore you, I hear about it all the time. Everyone in that castle loves you… but they called you a brat because you were acting like a brat. But when you weren’t? During the moments where you weren’t lashing out at people? You should have heard about that too. The sheer love people have for you. That should have been shoved in your face just as much as the ‘brat’ thing was. Maybe it would have given you ammo for when your brain was mean to you.”

“And I just… I need you guys to be kind to me when I reach out to you. When I show doubt.” Kaito said, looking to Maki and Shuichi, “That’s it, that’s all I’m really asking for. I really don’t mind when we joke around or get aggressive, but… when I’m faltering? Or not joking? I need you guys to check in on me and be kind to me. Everyone would be better off if we were kind when we could be, and explained ourselves when we couldn’t.”

“...shit, did any of that make any sense?” Kaito sighed, talking to Shuichi’s hat, “Maybe none of that was helpful…”

“...did you have to compare it to aftercare?” Shuichi laughed wetly under the hat. “Who does that?”

“Sorry, sorry! It was the first word that came to mind! Kindness! We need to be kind! When we can be! And explain ourselves when we can’t. That’s… that’s all I’m saying.”

…when you had the opportunity…you had to be kind. And explain yourself for the times you couldn’t. 

Shuuichi had rejected kindness, in his drugged state, so Nao went full in on cruelty. But…it wasn’t the only way that could’ve gone, to make sure Shuuichi wouldn’t hurt himself. There…there had been so many other options if only she had been braver. Or willing to put in more work. Kindness wasn’t a lack of cruelty…it was concentrated work. And she just…hadn’t been willing to do it. 

Kokichi shrank a little as Kaito used him as an example, and he could feel the protests in his chest--there had been kind moments in there. Spending time with his siblings, having fun, Hideki’s praise when he did well with his schoolwork, or their comforting, infinitely tangential conversations. He knew they loved him. Looking back, he could see how they had loved him. He’d even been told it directly. 

…but in the time Ikuo had left…Kokichi couldn’t remember a time anyone had scooped him up to smother with love and affection. Sure, he’d fought that, but…surely there were moments where someone would’ve had an opportunity…

…would that have been enough to combat the ideas in his head? When he felt it was all fake anyway…

Kokichi sighed softly, rubbing his wrist with his thumb. He…didn’t feel so great. But they still had stuff to resolve. 

“...would it kill ya to agree without making a joke instead?” he asked softly, looking around Shuuichi’s knees.

Shuichi’s face fell, at the callout, and Kaito seemed to wince at that too. 

Maki, though, nodded, “We… you? I’m not sure if this counts against the ‘no we statements’ thing… whatever. We do tend to do that, Shuichi. Kaito too, actually.” Maki supposed, shrugging, “We tend to substitute making each other laugh when we’re at the end of heated discussions, rather than actually finishing them.”

Kaito sometimes lived and died on their laughs… if they were laughing, then no one was that upset. He’d have accepted Shuichi’s laughter as an end to the argument, but… he guessed Kokichi had a point. That wasn’t Shuichi agreeing…

Shuichi, in turn, frowned, something annoyed and frustrated running through him… but something about the callout reminded him of a point Kokichi had made earlier, that had been brushed over. He hadn’t apologized either. Just said he could without actually doing it.

Stepping away from Kaito, who let him reluctantly, Shuichi adjusted his hat again. “... so, to reiterate, the point is… you want me to be nice to you when you…” Shuichi paused, his brow furrowing, “...you want me to be nice to you. Period. Is that what you’re asking me for? To be kind?”

“...yeah, I guess so.” Kaito said, looking embarrassed, “I don’t mind playing around, but… I like it when you guys are nice to me. I kind of wish bullying me was, like… the exception. Not the rule. I like ‘be nice to Kaito’ days…” Kaito shrugged, looking even more embarrassed as he admitted, “But they do feel like the exception, because the fact that I even define them as ‘be nice to Kaito’ days is, like… I’d be horrified, if I ever made you guys feel like me being nice to you was some sort of event. And I don’t want that for me. I just… haven't figured out a way to ask you guys for that in a way that sticks, yet.”

“...” Shuichi took off his hat, running his hand through his inexplicably perfect hair. “...I’m sorry you ever even had to ask that, Kaito. I shouldn’t… I’m your best friend and your boyfriend. You shouldn’t have to ask me to be nice to you. I’m sorry I got so defensive, and I’m sorry I’ve… treated you badly. I can explain myself to you, but… that would be more if you ever just wanted me to explain myself, not an excuse. You shouldn’t have ever had to ask me to be kind. I should have already known you’d need that from me… I’m really sorry.” Shuichi said softly.

“... same.” Maki said, still sitting in her chair. “This is a lesson I keep re-learning, and I’m sorry you all keep getting the brunt of it. You’re my friends. I have my own ways of being kind that I’m not sure I could change, but… well, Kokichi said it at the beginning. I make him feel heard and cared about when he comes to me with problems, but I can be dismissive and abrasive about yours, Kaito. And, I think I have different reasons for that than Shuichi… but like he said. That only matters if you want to know. I still shouldn’t do it. It’s shitty of me. I’m sorry.”

“...thanks, you guys… cause it really has been getting to me and…” Kaito’s eyes started to go red, looking a little overwhelmed, having not really expected to actually get to this point, “I don’t want to make you guys feel like the enemy, you know? I don’t want to have to say it’s getting to be too much, because I love you and I want to be able to let you guys talk how you need to to me, and sometimes I know that can be harsh, and I don’t want you to be afraid of me… b-but I’m afraid of you guys, sometimes. And that’s… been hard to admit to myself, let alone you. And I just… I really need you guys to lighten up on me sometimes. I need my friends.”

“Okay…” Shuichi put his arms around Kaito’s neck, pulling him into a hug, “I’m sorry. Okay.”

Jokes, normally, were fine. A good way to break the pressure and often dour mood of things, and silently let people know everything was okay. But this entire issue was made out of poor communication, and the words people meant by their silence rarely translated accurately. This time, they needed to hear it clearly. 

(...no confusion. Letting people know exactly what the head pats and warm looks and swinging hugs meant. Because…being told out would give you better ammo, right?)

Kokichi, while he had tried to bolster both him and Kaito for the worst, knew that neither Shuuichi nor Maki wanted to be mean. But…as they apologized…that was more than he expected. Watching on with wet eyes and a small, tired smile, Kokichi felt something settle in his heart. 

They would be okay. 

He could feel a bone-deep weariness settle into his joints, but Kokichi still pushed himself back out of his seat to join Shuuichi and Kaito, lightly hugging them both while they were in their embrace. 

There was a part of Kaito that was… a little wary. Because he knew from experience, both from others and himself, that convincing someone to be gentler with you tended to be more than a one and done thing… it was hard to get the rage and viciousness under control, the last nine months had been a testament to that, for Kaito.

But it really did mean a lot to him, that Maki and Shuichi would apologize for it in this moment, at least. It gave him hope that the next time this came up, they’d at least understand why he was so upset. It would never just come out of the blue again, Kaito being unreasonable and ‘difficult to read’.

…he seriously owed Kokichi. Kaito was getting better about it, in… specifically the last three days. And a little longer than that, sure, he had finally started telling people when he was overwhelmed and putting his foot down about things in the relationship, but he knew he sometimes still needed help expressing what was actually bothering him. He wished setting boundaries for relationships was as easy as setting boundaries for his sex life, but Kaito was nowhere near as confident that people would stick around when he got demanding emotionally as they would when he got demanding physically.  

But Kokichi had recognized something was wrong, and hadn’t let up on it until Shuichi had acknowledged it too, even when Kaito had been ready to let it go. Kaito appreciated that. Probably more than he could express.

(And Kaito had appreciated Kokichi’s answer for what was motivating them to go to therapy too. Because as soon as he had finished talking about his hopes for therapy, he had remembered why he had actually suggested marriage counseling to Kokichi in the first place and… well, it had been because of how badly it had hurt to stay with Kokichi, at least from Kaito’s side of it. He had suggested counseling the same day he had asked if they were getting a divorce for a reason. Kaito had desperately needed help and had no idea how to ask for it. He wanted to be better, absolutely, because he needed to do his part to make this relationship work, but… he also had needed Kokichi to be better. For all of them to be better. And hadn’t known how to ask for it.)

(He felt lucky that Kokichi had offered it anyway.)

Kaito reminded himself that later, he needed to tell Kokichi. What all of that had meant to him… but he didn’t want to do it in front of Shuichi and Maki. He didn’t want his friends to feel like the bad guys, and Kaito felt like thanking Kokichi for helping him with them would equal that. Even pissed at them, he never wanted that for them. He’d tell Kokichi later. For now, he put his arm around Kokichi’s back when he felt his smaller partner getting in on the hug, just feeling grateful…

… Maki wondered if she’d be a bad friend to make fun of all of them hugging, but before she had time to mull over the joke, Shuichi sighed, pulling away and wiping his eyes. “That is hard. No wonder Kaito had a fit… I kind of want to have a fit too.”

“Nuh uh.” Kaito said dryly, giving Kokichi another squeeze as he stepped back too. “You gotta do that for, like, another hour, and then you get to have a fit. It’s the rules.”

“Do we need a break, or shall we continue? Does anyone need tea?” Dr. Mariah asked, accessing.

Honestly Kokichi felt like he could stay in the hug for…at least another half hour, but they did still have the rest of therapy. Even if he didn’t really feel like talking much. 

…he wasn’t that self-unaware. He knew he was starting to slip into a low. Sometimes it was waking up with a little less energy for a few days. Sometimes…it was a single thought that just left you feeling off balance for the rest of the day. But…life went on. They’d keep going with the session, he’d probably take a nap when they got home and…if he still felt like this tomorrow, he’d ask for an emergency session. 

…or maybe just tell his family. He had a feeling they’d known during some of his lows before, but…he’d just tried to deal with them with his therapist before. Not wanting to worry them (though he knew that was dumb) and…well. Feeling ashamed ‘cause he was doing a lot better, and while having dips wasn’t erasing that project…it was hard to speak up. 

Smiling wanely at Kaito’s non-joke, Kokichi gave Dr. Mariah the same look before starting to head back to his portion of the circle. “I’d like some tea, please.”

“Alright then. Kaito, would you assist me?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, I’ve got you.” Kaito said, standing up picking up the tray Dr. Mariah kept her tea kettle on, moving with her as she refilled cups, looking more upbeat and energized by the time they were done. As Dr. Mariah moved from person to person, she tasted the air.

Shuichi and Kokichi were spent. Or, if not spent, nearing there. Maki was down but not exhausted, and Kaito was in a better mood now then when they had started. The energy ebs and flows between the group. Now the question was what to encourage…

Letting Shuichi or Kokichi vent about something might improve their mood, or make it worse. She had made that mistake with Kaito: letting him vent for a full session had bolstered him up for a moment there, and Mariah would argue that it had done the job of letting Kaito feel more confident in his feelings. But the drawback had been leaving him so emotionally exposed and raw that the first thing that managed to cut back had decimated him. Mariah had pushed her luck. She didn’t want to risk the same mistake on Shuichi or Kokichi.

Focusing on Kaito felt like overkill by this point. There was still plenty to talk about there, but that was literally true for all of them. Kaito’s was just the most obvious, they allllll had issues that needed addressing.

Maybe… “Maki,” Dr. Mariah said, focusing on Maki, “With a more serious consideration, you did say you had a whole list of issues you wanted to talk about, and you did bring up some difficulty with your charge first. Let’s touch on that again.”

“Oh… I mean…” Maki glanced down at the paper, no longer feeling as full of piss and vinegar as she had been when she and Shuichi had first started sarcastically working on The List, looking through it as she tried to consider what was maybe actually bothering her on it, “It’s not my son that’s difficult. Timothy is handling himself very well these days, I’m rather proud of him. It’s my… mentor.”

“Please go on.”

“It’s not a problem, it’s just…” Maki sighed, rubbing her temple slightly, “...you’ve met me. You know the kind of person I am. Some of my values and my discipline… now imagine the person who raised me. He’s in town and… I’ve always been more emotional than my mentor. Softer… I think he already suspects I’m raising Timothy differently than he raised me, and I’m just not really ready to fight him over the specifics. My mentor, Mr. Nidai, is stubborn, and annoying helpful. I know him. He’s going to want to ‘help’ me with Timothy, and it’s going to be an argument when I don’t want it.”

“I see… now, just so I understand the full picture, Mr. Nidai is indeed another assassin, right?”

“He’s the best there is, right now.” Kaito said, sounding entirely confident in that. “Has been for decades. You don’t become the Royal Assassin in Luminary by accident, and you don’t stay there by getting complacent and slow… he’s… he’s intimidating as hell, if I’m honest.” Kaito grinned warily, rubbing the back of his neck, “He’s so damn good at what he does, that he can afford to be friendly. And he has perfect emotional conditioning. It’s flawless… he’s not going to really understand why we don’t want to pass on Maki’s training to Timothy. Mr. Nidai’s going to see it as us not giving Timothy his very best chance. It’s…”

Kaito glanced at Maki, before saying, “But I mean, maybe he will understand? If we really sit down and hash it out with him? The conditioning is weakening on us, and he hasn’t tried anything with Tim yet. Tim’s promised to keep me informed, and I grill him on it every time we go to the diner. Beyond friendly hellos, Mr. Nidai’s barely said anything to him. Maybe he doesn’t really care?”

Maki frowned, clearly not believing it. “He’s just patient. Taking his time. That man doesn’t have an impatient bone in his body.”

Kokichi thanked them quietly and took a sip. It still tasted nice, which was a good sign. Maybe he was just tired…

The whole issue around Nekomaru and Tim wasn’t one that would really pick up his energy, though. Because…Maki was right. It likely would be an argument, and…if Maki was unwilling to broach the subject, then nothing would get resolved until it was pushed to a breaking point. 

And…that breaking point would unfortunately be Tim’s safety. 

“...I would hope Mr. Nidai would respect you enough to make decisions about your son’s future,” Kokichi sighed. “He might insist that what he would consider appropriate training would be beneficial in any walk of life, but…you understand Dicean culture better than he does right now. And Tim isn’t going to be an assassin, and doesn’t know what sort of goals he wants in the future…’cause he’s almost ten. And while kids have dreams, no one is the same person they were when they were ten.”

“If you believe that Mr. Nidai is waiting for an opportunity to take things into his own hands…then the only way around that, that…isn’t essentially using Tim as bait? Or a sacrifice? Is to talk with him.”

Maki groaned, looking annoyed by that. Not arguing, but definitely annoyed. Kaito gave her a soft look as he said, “You’re not going to have to argue with him alone. I’d be right there with you, whenever you’re ready to confront him about it.”

“He’s just so stubborn… and good at talking me down…”

“Again! Not by yourself! You’ll have the second Momota son by your side, that’s gotta count for something, in his eyes!”

“Kaito, he tried to burn your face in coffee.”

“He did not… let’s be honest, if he had tried, my face would have a pretty new burn mark on it. I’d tell people I got it in a burning house fire, saving kittens.” Kaito grinned, before shrugging, “And he only did that because he loves you and he wanted to make certain I wasn’t taking advantage of you. Mr. Nidai’s scary as fuck, but he adores you, Maki, you’re his little girl. If we sit down and talk to him, make him understand that more than anything else, this is something you want for Timothy? Without orders contradicting it, I think he’d concede just to make you happy.”

“You’re optimistic.”

“So is he. Take it from someone else with trouble letting things go and an old fashioned sense of problem solving and morality: you’ll come first anyway. I really believe that. You’re worth that. He knows that too.”

“... you’re such a sap.” Maki sighed, giving Kaito a fond look… before her brow furrowed, “Is that unkind?”

“Uhhhh, no? I don’t feel hurt.”

“Fine, then you’re still a sap… maybe you and I can go working out with Mr. Nidai soon. Getting him moving and sweating and and in a good mood and then we can talk to him about it.” Maki offered.

“Hell yeah, I’m all about it! Do you think he brought any of his weapons? I’d love to try out that broadsword he has.”

“No, he brought his electric punching gloves. Most of his weapons are his electric stuff.”

“....nnnngh.” Kaito suddenly looked less enthused, “Well, maybe we won’t do weapon exercises.”

“Please, do let me know how that conversation goes.” Dr. Mariah said, pleased that the latest topic had been tied up neatly. A calm breather…

… the ‘bait’ comment had been fairly bleak.

“Kokichi,” Dr. Mariah said, focusing on him next. “The last few days have been trying. And while you’ve talked a great deal through it, most of it has been trying to aid your partners feelings or in defense of people not here. That’s a difficult position to be put in, especially long term. How are you feeling?”

It would probably go best if just Maki and Kaito talked to Nekomaru, as they had the best combination of close ties and respect, but…well, if Maki asked him, Kokichi would go back her up in a heartbeat. Especially if she felt like she got talked around by her mentor a lot. 

But Kokichi had neither the gut understanding of Luminary values, nor Nekomaru’s trust, as a prince dating his ward’s brother, so…he wouldn’t push to be there. Especially if they were going to be doing weapon exercises beforehand. They hadn’t said sparring but…well. He hadn’t had a good first impression of the way Luminaries on similar levels did things with weapons together. 

Kokichi glanced up as Dr. Mariah addressed him, slightly surprised, but…she was their therapist. She knew them. And had just set herself to being more receptive of each of their mental states. 

“...not great,” he softly admitted, looking down at his teacup. “...I kinda just wanna go home and go to sleep. And I know that’s not a good place to be to contribute to serious conversations, but…I’d still like to finish our session.”

“...” Dr. Mariah considered him… was it a crisis? She didn’t think so, not yet… “We can focus on other issues if you don’t feel like there’s any benefit into diving into it today, I can understand that sometimes things are non-starters when your energy levels are low… but it can be beneficial to express your feelings as you’re feeling them, while they’re clearest in your mind. You may have more energy in the next season to explain how you were feeling this one, but an improved mood might actually make it difficult to reflect accurately on how you felt when your mood was low. It can be worth it to get into it now, if only for accuracy’s sake for later reflection.”

Kaito, who had been giving Kokich a concerned look, widened his eyes at Dr. Mariah’s suggestion. “Oh, yeah, I’ve noticed that… sometimes I try to explain why I was angry after I’ve calmed down, and as clear and sharp as those thoughts were when I was pissed, looking back at them afterwards makes everything I was feeling, like… really scrambled and incomprehensible. Miss Crystal tried to have me write down my feelings in a journal when I was pissed to help with that, but I was usually too pissed to write in a way that made sense afterwards… like, sorry, I’m not trying to make this about me. I just mean…” Kaito looked to Kokichi and shrugged sheepishly, “It does kinda make it harder sometimes to communicate what was wrong later, when you’re feeling better… and we wanna hear it! Right?”

Kaito looked to Shuichi and Maki, who both looked mildly surprised at the question. Maki nodded, as Shuichi said, “Of course. That’s why we’re all here, after all.”

Kokichi smiled softly at his friends before sighing. “...that’s kind of the crux of it, actually…”

“...in my personal sessions, we’ve talked about how depression can cause memory loss, and…I’ve experienced a lot how when I’m not in a low, they don’t really seem as bad, even though it…kinda feels like the world is ending when they’re happening.” Kokichi paused for a few moments before sighing. 

“...the broad strokes of what regular, day-to-day life was like through my teens…” Kokichi shrugged helplessly before shrinking into himself a little. “...I feel like I can’t really…remember it accurately. It…it feels like people were reaching out to me. Showing me love and affection…”

“...but I can only remember just…shoving it away, feeling annoyed and suspicious from it. So…I don’t know if anything really would’ve changed if…someone took the time to be kind. Because they had and…I just refused it anyway.”

A soft breath. “...but then, I know things weren’t miserable all the time. I can remember having quiet moments of comradery, or louder, more fun moments with people… I can remember people standing up for me. And…I don’t know.”

Not looking at Kaito, Kokichi rested his hand in his chin. “...it feels like everything at once, and like nothing could’ve changed, and…I just feel tired.”

Dr. Mariah leaned back, nodding as she crossed her ankles. Childhood trauma… alright. That was inevitable, and Dr. Mariah had been hoping this would come up sooner rather than later. She hadn’t expected it in this session, but counseling could, and ofen did, do rapid and unexpected jumps. It was still good though, Kokichi’s teenage years were not only extremely troublesome, but also not that long ago. Most of Kokichi’s life, by this point, was still his teenage years. Time would lessen its importance, but for a twenty year old? The teenage years mattered quite a bit.

So, yes. Good to get into. Though Kokichi could get jumpy and withdraw pretty quickly if she wasn’t careful…

But as Dr. Mariah considered the best way to approach this, Kaito said, “I mean… of course it wouldn’t have been miserable all the time. Nothing is ever miserable all the time… though, I mean, personally,” Kaito grinned, looking earnestly (something a tad desperate in it) at Kokichi as he said, “I’d love to hear more about the good things, sometimes. I know Lake used to play with you a lot when you were little, little, and… you’ve played board games with Chiako and Hajime, and got high with hobo wizard, and you know basically everyone in the castle by name…”

“Isn’t that the issue he’s talking about though?” Shuichi pointed out, “That he did have a childhood full of love, and it’s upsetting to think that none of it got through anyway… right?” Shuichi asked, looking to Kokichi, “It’s not did you have a good childhood. It’s why did you still feel bad, even though you did?”

Kokichi gave his husband an apologetic look before slowly nodding at what Shuuichi said, though he finished it up with a shrug. “Sort of? I’ll…I’ll try more to tell stories about the good stuff, but… I-I mean, people can have a perfectly fine childhood and still have depression, those things don’t have to be related, but…it’s negativity bias, right? It’s easier to remember the bad stuff, and feel like it’s more important. So…when we reminisce, the bad stuff tends to be what comes to mind first. …but I’ll still try to bring up better stuff,” he nodded to Kaito.

“But…the first part is right,” he softly said to Shuuichi. “I’m not surprised it felt bad. It just…sucks to know that even with a lot of people there for me it still just…didn’t matter enough for me to get help. Though it probably mattered enough to make good days in the first place, but…that’s harder to see correlation.”

“...I wish I had let them help. I love my family, they’re wonderful, but…no matter how wonderful they were, I just…believed what was most insidious, or straight up thought it was a lie. And…I hate that about myself…” Kokichi murmured, eyes growing even more downcast.

“Sure, but… didn’t you literally find out it was a medication issue?” Maki asked, looking calm while Kaito notably started fussing, a restless energy in his body. “You have to give yourself some leeway on emotions you couldn’t control. Once your body was brought under control, you fixed all of that stuff. You shouldn’t hate yourself for things that were out of your control. Focus on the things you did have control of and hate yourself for that.”

“Maki!” Kaito shouted, eyes wide, “Don’t say that!”

“What?” Maki asked, looking genuinely confused, “We all have plenty of things we did in our lives that we regret. No one gets through life without them, and people who grow up in our situations doubly so. Our lives were insane and we’re broken people even outside of mental health issues. We all have regrets. We might as well limit them to things that were actually in our control.”

“I… believe I understand what you’re trying to express, Maki, though I’m not sure I agree with your actual words.” Dr. Mariah said, giving Maki a thoughtful look, “If I may translate: the process of working through our trauma is such a huge undertaking for anyone, and everyone– because anyone who gets through childhood unscarred is the exception, not the rule– that it can be kinder to ourselves to be honest about which events require some personal responsibility, and which ones simply require acceptant and forgiveness. Though, identifying what was and wasn’t our responsibilities is its own sort of processing and takes its own sort of work.”

“What I would add, though, before we move forward in any way, shape or form, is that even if there is personal responsibility to process?” Dr. Mariah said, looking to Kokichi, “There’s a certain amount of leniency, we should give children… and that’s including ourselves. Teenagers, just from their hormones and lack of experience and lack of perspective, make terrible, selfish choices all the time, and actively self destruct as a rule… but we let it go with merely corrections because it’s understood that they still have growing to do. As did you. Honestly, as do you, you’re hardly grown yet.” Dr. Mariah sighed, “You can acknowledge and take responsibility for mistakes you made in your youth… but you have to forgive yourself for being young once as well. You really were doing the best you could. Teenagers just… aren’t very good at things.” Dr. Mariah said, smiling slightly.

“That said? Processing is still acknowledging what went wrong and why.” Dr. Mariah said, “It’s still worth exploring. Just be kind to yourself as you do.”

Kokichi snorted softly at Maki’s phrasing--bluntness really was her way. But she had a point. And so did Dr. Mariah. He did try to be kinder to the child he had been, but…it was always helpful to have a reminder. 

“...I don’t really believe that getting medicated just…solved everything,” he muttered. “But…it has helped a lot. I’m still disappointed in myself, but…I mean, I lived it. It all felt right at the time…I can’t point to a time where I should’ve chosen something different in the moment because…that would’ve been acting against how I felt. Even if there was a better choice, it wouldn’t have made sense for me to choose.”

Kokichi sighed. “...I just have to make better choices now. And not rely on habits I formed while I was severely depressed and constantly anxious for how I should act now. And…well, I’ve been trying to make things up to my family for a while. I…”

…it didn’t feel great to admit in front of Kaito, but his husband had said straight out he didn’t want to keep Kokichi from his family. “...I feel really lucky that none of them decided to abandon me while I was struggling. There’s…a lot of things I’ve said and done to them that I shouldn’t have, and no one is obligated to stick around through that… Sure, the castle is their home too, but… I’m happy they decided that the good times were worth sticking around for.”

“If I may ask… what did change? Now, keep in mind, sometimes there really is no obvious cause,” Dr. Mariah cautioned, “Sometimes it really is something as simple as our energy level picking up for a day, and that allowing us the oomph we need to start making positive changes for ourselves. The first step of climbing out of long term depression isn’t always coherent… sometimes it’s random, and that’s okay.”

“But, if there was a catalyst? Maybe recognizing why that catalyst worked can reconceptualize issues we had in the past. People know themselves better than anyone outside of them, in a factual, detail by detail way, but we very often don’t understand ourselves. Understanding ourselves requires what I believe to be a lifetimes worth of self reflection.” Or more, depending on how you defined a lifetime. People were complex and merely the act of self reflection tended to result in personal changes that in themselves required reflection. And on and on it goes. “And even with mental health issues outside of your control, understanding why a version of yourself that was anxious and could only see the worst in things acted and believed the way you did can be helpful for a mentally well version of you who is, say… sad. Or nervous.”

“All that said… what may have been the catalyst?”

Kaito was keeping his mouth shut, fiddling with his hands, not wanting to… mostly not wanting to interrupt Kokichi, though he frowned at Kokichi’s relief that his family had stayed. He knew Kokichi was capable of really hurting the people around him, but… even at his worst, Kaito had found so many things lovely and sweet and endearing about him. He just couldn’t see a version of events where Kokichi was as cruel and repulsive as his husband seemed determined to convince Kaito he had been once. It just… didn’t feel possible to Kaito. Everyone loved Kokichi, Kaito never really heard anything but open adoration for the guy… with the exception of Denji, who seemed to love him in a quieter, more grounded way.

Well, Hideki had said once that Kokichi was difficult to live up to… but even that was damning with praise. 

Kaito just couldn’t see how Kokichi could have been at fault, for what had estranged him from his family. He couldn’t see… though, maybe…

“Hey, ‘Kichi?” Kaito said, feeling bad to interrupt before Kokichi could start answering Dr. Mariah, but the question out of him as he thought of it, “I’m sure you told me, but the answers a little fuzzy to me… did your family know you thought they hated you? When you told them?”

Well, Kokichi wanted to say Kaito, but…that wasn’t quite true. He’d still been cruel and delusional, even if he felt like he had a friend for once. And…at the start, things had just been so chaotic and stressful that Kokichi had had to pull himself together or else someone would die…

…until he hadn’t been able to pull himself together. 

Kokichi opened his mouth but closed it as Kaito spoke up, grimacing at the question he posed. “No… When I told my father…that was the first time I’d ever seen him cry. And Denji and I got into a whole…thing over it, ‘cause it hurt them so much… I’d never seen my sister or uncle look so defeated either.”

It…really had just entirely been in his head. 

“They all pretty much said they thought I just wanted space, ‘n that I was just, yanno, being a temperamental teenager when I was being bratty and mean, and…none of them had any idea that I thought they hated me. I mean…” Kokichi let out a heavy sigh. “I can see why. It’s hard to think the person you’re praising and being affectionate towards thinks that’s a sign of disgust.”

His gaze dropped further. “...I know Lake really blames herself for not being around more.”

Running a hand over his face, Kokichi looked back up to Dr. Mariah. “...I think after our fight in the Memorial Garden…it was a tipping point, if not a catalyst. Kai-chan had been helping me with my eating disorder for a few months by then and…well, it was when we decided we needed help with our relationship. But…seeing myself lose it on Maki-chan and Shuu-chan, and then attempt suicide again…I knew I needed help too. It still took me a while to get myself to find a therapist, but…I was at least trying to get better, at that point.”

Kaito sighed, nodding. If they just straight up hadn’t known… and Kaito was fairly certain he had known that already, but just… hadn’t been willing to hear it, the last time Kokichi had told him that. Because it had felt baffling to Kaito, the idea that someone could be hurting that badly and all of their loved ones be entirely oblivious to it.

But… Kaito knew better now. They hadn’t been ignoring or abusing Kokichi… hell, it sounded like Kokichi’s days had been pretty normal, all things considered. How do you notice someone was feeling left out and belittled and despised when they were sitting next to you, laughing at your jokes? How do you even begin to put that together?

… the ‘sneaking out of the castle until he was twenty’ thing was still pretty fucked, but then, Kaito had guessed from literally the beginning that the staff and king had to know Kokichi was going out and was just letting him. The guardforce would have sucked balls otherwise. Maybe climbing the walls had just been a ‘quirky teenage prince’ thing.

Ha. Kaito felt like what Maki kept saying. How many times did he have to re-learn this lesson before it stuck?

This was the first time Dr. Mariah was hearing about an eating disorder, but she decided not to comment, since it sounded like both Kokichi and his personal therapist were already working on that, and the group had found a way to communicate on that already. Though, for the catalyst… “Seeing your actions harm others seemed to have been your call to action, then? An admirable reason to self reflect,” Dr. Mariah nodded, though tilted her head, her long dark hair cascading over her shoulders as she said, “Tell me, what was different about hurting Shuichi and Maki then your previous instances of lashing out? Or, was the memorial garden the first incident in which you lashed out in that particular way? You were going through quite a bit at the time, it’d be understandable if you had found a side of yourself more viscous than what you had been expecting.”

Kokichi’s mouth scrunched to the side as he thought. “...it might’ve been more vicious, since the stakes of everything were a lot higher…but it was also the first time I’d tried to hurt Maki-chan and Shuu-chan on purpose. And…there wasn’t build-up. It…” Kokichi let out a small breath. “...there hadn’t been months and months of me slowly drawing back from them--we had been spending practically all of our time together for months. And…we’d been through a lot of terrible stuff together, having to rely on each other… I never had the time or circumstances to convince myself that…they just didn’t have time for me and were forcing themselves when we did see each other, or that they were talking behind my back…”

“And…they’d seen me sick, but…I don’t know. It was all new to them,” Kokichi nodded to his friends, giving them a softer look. “You guys just…weren’t worn down by seeing it again and again, and…since I straight out told you I didn’t want to be pitied, I never read you as seeing me like that. So…in regular life, I just…never considered that you’d being feeling sorry for me.”

The actual content of what he said, particularly about Maki and Kaede…it wasn’t worse than stuff he’d said to his family. But there were so many tiny circumstances that just…made the situations different. Made Kokichi recoil in shock and horror about what he’d said to his friends, instead of just…hating himself more, and convincing himself that that was why they all hated him. 

But there was also…

Kokichi closed his eyes for a moment as he ran a hand through his hair. “...and other than my first attempt…Kai-chan coming after me in the garden was…the first time someone had ever interrupted me. And he didn’t leave even while I was being cruel and cold…and even though it hurt him so much too…” Kokichi shook his head. “Even when I was losing it, the thought of losing him scared me out of it. You asking if we should get a divorce…”

Kokichi let out a heavy breath. “...it scared me more than the thought of dying.”

Kaito looked pained at that, his shoulders moving forward and his elbows resting on his knees as Kaito fussed with his hands, his eyes darting around sightlessly for a bit… before focusing on Kokichi, his expression timid and apologetic as he said softly, “I’m sorry… I wasn’t trying to scare you. I just… we were hurting each other… I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Well, I’m glad you did.” Shuichi said, a sort of sad chill coming off of him, but otherwise calm as he said, “We had no idea what was happening, when Kokichi ran off… though, saying that, I suppose we had more of an idea than you did.” Shuichi realized, something guilty flashing through his eyes as he realized they had kinda sent Kaito after Kokichi with literally no idea what was going on. “We knew… or, I knew he was upset, but I don’t think the thought he was going to kill himself ever so much as occurred to me. And, honestly? Other than you being cruel to Maki, I… wasn’t even sure at the time what we were arguing about? My point being…”

Shuichi paused. What was his point… “If you hadn’t gone to talk to Kokichi, and talked him down? Harshly or otherwise? I probably wouldn’t have made the effort, cause I didn’t understand that he needed anything from us. Even if he had survived, when he came back, Maki and I would have probably just apologized for her trying to attack him and that would have been the end of it for us, because that’s all we were really thinking about–”

“Wait, what?” Kaito asked, eyes widening. “You attacked him? The memorial garden night?”

“In my defense, he did not appear to notice.” Maki said dryly, looking frustrated. “Shuichi threw himself in the way, and Kokichi had left before it had all gotten cleared up. Shuichi can say whatever he wants about believing he wouldn’t have said or done the right things later, to help, but he put himself between you and a blade, Kokichi. And that was before you filled him full of baby.”

Kokichi shook his head a little. “You were scared too. You didn’t know how to make things work, and it seemed like everything was crumbling around us. I know you didn’t say it just to jab at me…and you weren’t saying it out of hope either. It’s just…that’s how I felt.”

And he knew admitting to that hurt Kaito. There were a lot of things in this conversation that did, because Kaito adored him, and you never wanted to hear about someone you adore having suicide attempts and estranging themselve from other people who love them. But…this was the conversation they were in, he supposed. 

But even then…Kaito hadn’t been the only one here that cared about him. 

Looking up, Kokichi gave Shuuichi a soft look. He hadn’t noticed Maki’s retaliation at the time, and while he vaguely remembered Shuuichi stepping in… “...I never did thank you for that. So…thank you. For caring about me then, and caring about me now.”

Another sigh, though there was a bit more life in Kokichi’s eyes as he looked at the group. “...all of you were kind to me from the start, even when Kai-chan and I had our misunderstanding. So…thank you for caring. I know you weren’t the only ones, but…it still means a lot to me.”

“You’re welcome,” Shuichi said softly back… before huffing, “Honestly, Maki’s cuts aren’t even that bad, I don’t know what everyone is always complaining about. I took it like a champ.”

“I know you’re joking, but you really did.” Maki agreed, “You barely jolted back at all, and your defensive posture was excellent.”

“Maki, please don’t try to cut either of my partners again.” Kaito said tiredly, “Off limits. Remember?”

“You’re off limits too.” Shuichi said dismissively, “And so is Timothy and Diceans… who are you allowed to cut these days, Maki?”

“I’ll just pop over the border and fight some Luminaries the next time I get the craving. Don’t worry about me.” Maki shrugged.

Dr. Mariah, who had been quietly ruminating over something Kokichi had said earlier, tried to decide if this was a conversation that needed to happen, or if she was just being nosy…

“... this is a subject we’ve grazed and touched upon by happenstance multiple times, and maybe we’ve said by chance everything that needs saying about it…” Dr. Mariah considered the group, worried, because even the discussion of it could be a self-perpetuating cycle, sometimes… but this needed to be something this group could talk openly about.

“Let’s discuss suicide.” Dr. Mariah said, “As the main topic. Does anyone feel unprepared to discuss that today? Even a little bit? If the answer is yes, it’s a discussion for another day, no questions asked.”

Kokichi still felt bad about what he’d said to Maki, but…he was glad Shuuichi intervened. If she had managed to hurt him in a rage? She wouldn’t have been holding back. And there was no taking it like a champ for him. In the state he’d been in…there was no telling if it would’ve snapped him out of it, or…gotten him to do something else he’d regret. 

…there was still a lot they needed to talk about. 

“...I’m not sure unprepared is really the word…” Kokichi murmured. “I’m…a little worried about being able to discuss things tactfully. Sometimes discussions about suicide are hard enough even when it’s something we start a session with in my personal therapy…”

Looking across the circle, Kokichi gave his husband a concerned look. “...you’ve hated talking about it in the past. Is this something we should shelve, hun?”

Kaito was literally already polishing his stone again, a stressed look in his eyes as he said, “Huh? Me? I’m fine. I’m good. You all can talk about that stuff, I am… totally calm and about it.”

“They can talk about it?” Dr. Mariah asked.

Kaito looked briefly baffled by her tone, before realizing, “Oh! Yeah, we. We can talk about it. We can… totally talk about it. You all never have to not talk about things cause Kaito’s here. That’s, like… a rule… should be a rule…”

As Kaito murmured some worried things about rules vaguely to himself, focusing on his rock, Maki said, “I’m fine discussing it. But, Shuichi has some difficulty in the past with it.”

“Have we… talked about that?” Shuichi asked, looking genuinely uncertain, “Here, I mean?”

“I remember you all telling me Kaito handled the situation violently, when he found out.” Dr. Mariah said, “Which put it on the list of things we needed to discuss for multiple different reasons, but the actual event or mindframe itself, I believe, is still new territory. Would you be okay with that?”

“...it is. Sorry, I was thinking about when my last incident was, back in high school, but realized that my last incident was actually much more recent… poppies and all of that. Set me back.” Shuici said, looking annoyed at the memory.

“I see… who here has personally had a suicidal attempt? Raise your hands.”

Shuichi raised his hand.

Kokichi raised his hand.

Honestly, by the detached way Kaito was speaking, and how far away his gaze was…he thought that qualified as ‘unprepared’. But…they were being open about communication. And even if they had just had a big conversation about it…Kaito had to speak up if he wasn’t prepared to talk about this. 

They could always stop if it was getting to be too much. 

Kokichi had looked at Maki with some surprise when she mentioned Shuuichi having difficulty talking about his darker thoughts. And maybe that was true, but…the two of them had found solace in talking to someone who’d felt the same. Maybe it was different with others. 

“Okay… who here has struggled with suicidal ideation? Not the actual act of being suicidal, where you make an attempt, but finding something soothing or appealing in the idea of the act?” Dr. Mariah asked, watching again Shuichi and Kokichi raise their hands, “...Kaito.”

Dr. Mariah was cheating, because she could taste his reluctance, but Kaito’s hand shot upwards still, looking like a kid caught cheating on a test. She sighed. “...I’m going to ask again. And it’s okay if the answer is no… is this a conversation you’re able to be a part of? It clearly makes you immediately nervous.”

“No, no, I’m just… sorry, I’m good. I’m good. I’m all up in my head. That’s all.”

“If being ‘all up in your head’ means that you’re struggling with a topic, then that’s okay to admit too. We can talk about this another day.”

“No. I… don’t want you guys to not be able to talk about stuff like this. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m not nervous about the topic, I’m just… I don’t wanna lose my temper. I have a history of that, when we talk about this, and… I’m trying to be better. So–” Kaito held up his polishing rag and his rock meaningfully, before going back to focusing on it… before nodding, “And, yeah. Suicidal ideation.”

“I see… very well. Who here has faced a suicidal event outside of yourself? Someone elses suicide attempt?” All hands went up, “That was a short sighted question, thinking about it… what about a successful one?”

Maki’s hand went up.

Kokichi remembered a recent conversation. Kaito talking about how learning that someone you love was suicidal made you hate them a little bit. Because of course you’d hate someone who wanted to kill your loved one… Kaito was really trying to have this conversation, and have it without flying off the handle. 

Maybe he’d be able to convince Kaito to nap with him when they got home. 

Kokichi swallowed as Dr. Mariah asked about other people’s attempts. And when she asked about a successful one…

Kokichi’s hand went up with Maki’s, his eyes trained on the ground. 

“Okay… so suicide, both as an idea and as a reality, in both how it effects ourselves and others, is… rampant. Through this group. All of you have been touched by suicide in some way, shape or form… so while I am still worried this will be a difficult conversation to have,” Dr. Mariah said, glancing at Katio, who was not looking up from his rock, “It still feels very much like a necessary one.”

“The fact that I even have to say, ‘where do I start, we have so much to work with’ is…” Dr. Mariah sighed, “I know I’ve harped on this before, but your groups circumstances are uniquely difficult, and this is just another example of that. It’s not typical, or expected, to face this much tragedy and difficulty, it’s not something any of you should be expected to roll with the punches with. Does anyone remember why sometimes things feel hard?”

Kaito looked up at this, the quote having affected him the most, the last time she had said it, “Because it is.”

“And that’s okay.” Dr. Mariah nodded, “If it feels hard, you’re not doing it wrong. It just is. That said, breaks, especially for a discussion like this, are not just encouraged, but I’m requiring them. We’ll take breaks every time there’s a decent lull in conversation, or a breath. Even if you don’t feel overwhelmed, it’ll be good for you. Can we all agree on that?”

Not just suicide, but…all their lives were touched with death. Maki and Shuuichi by their trades (and Shuuichi’s personal issues), Luminary culture in general, Kaito getting the most distilled version of it at the nation’s court, not to mention the personal deaths he’d been affected by, and…with his own issues, and the deaths he’d personally been around, Kokichi had been touched closely by all the deaths in the war too. Looking back…he knew it was important for the leadership to feel that responsibility, but…putting that on a teenager’s shoulders was too much. The other admins shouldn’t have allowed that.

(...not to mention the horribly intimate ways he’d felt death without even knowing what he was feeling.)

It was ridiculous. Something the average person, even someone struggling with suicidal thoughts or have had deaths in the family should be expected to cope with. Things felt hard because they were. 

Letting out a little sigh, Kokichi nodded. “I’ll agree to that, yeah. It’s…heavy. To say the least…”

“Where to start, where to start…” Dr. Mariah closed her eyes a moment, tapping at her journal a bit, “...let’s open up the floor, actually. With suicide being the topic, is there anything weighing heavily on anyone’s mind, in regards to the topic? Anything anyone wants to volunteer?”

There was silence for a moment…

“...ya know, when I first found out about my parents?” Kaito said, polishing his rock, which was a near perfect oval these days. “I mean, the first letter, not the official announcements… uh, my brother said she committed suicide.”

“I see.” Dr. Mariah said, feeling something in her tighten in regret. Remembering an alternate reality where she had been exceptionally cruel. What a terrible whim. “That must have been difficult to read.”

“Yeah… the, uh, the official, um…” Kaito seemed lost for the word for a moment, “Story? Announcement. The official word was that she had a heart attack from shock from the news. Died of a broken heart. Um… so that was an interesting thing to hear, after thinking she had killed herself, for a few days… um… so, yeah. For a few days, my mother killed herself. And I thought, maybe… maybe that made sense.”

“Oh?” Dr. Mariah asked, “Did she have a history?”

“No, no, or, not that I ever knew about, but I thought… cause, like, it’s not… it’s not news to anyone that my father, uh, he didn’t… my brother killed my parents. That’s not news. Everyone knows that. Everyone knows… um. What was my point… oh, um.” Kaito shook his head, “My point was, is that for a few days, I thought… yeah. Maybe mom would have killed herself. Cause, Byakuya… needed her to die for some reason? Needed both of them to die? Um, for some reason. Anyway, uh, so I thought maybe… my mother loved Byakuya. He was her golden child. Her face would just… light up, every time Byakuya walked into the room. She was so proud of him. He was handsome and poised and intelligent and hard working… everything she could have wanted out of a son. Man, my mom loved Byakuya, so…”

Kaito shrugged, “I thought maybe she did it to help him? With whatever was going on. Maybe she died because she loved him and she wanted to help him and… that would have been… kinda nice, right? In its own way. Not great, but nice… um, anyway, I knew better when the official announcement said she died of a heart attack. I guess Byakuya just changed his mind at some point, which story they were going with. But, anyway, yeah. That was a weird couple of days. Thinking my mom had killed herself. I don’t really know if there’s anything else to say about it, I just…” Kaito shrugged, “It was what came to mind.”

Kokichi could still feel the floating embers of anger in his gut, remembering that letter Byakuya had sent. He felt horribly ashamed of how he’d treated Kaito that day, but…he could still be, and was, furious at Byakuya. 

It wasn’t enough that he had killed their parents. Kokichi had no love for Leon and Sayaka, but…they still hadn’t deserved that. It wasn’t enough that Byakuya had decided to act on his own egoistic pride and kill them in horrible, traumatic ways. 

But when he told Kaito, who, despite all the pain their parents had caused them, would still hurt and mourn, Byakuya had told him it was his fault they had to die. Not even owning his own actions, and instead turning it into another opportunity to control his brother. And then on top of that, triggered Kaito’s conditioning so he had no one to turn to. 

Kokichi’s eyes narrowed slightly, and his hands curled in his lap and…he wanted to do something to Byakuya. Even getting a good punch in didn’t feel enough. 

…but…that didn’t matter right now. And Kokichi knew the feeling would pass. What mattered was Kaito. And…his desperate hope to still salvage something in their family that could be love.

…he didn’t know what to say to that. Because, even trying to consider Kaito’s feelings…that was horrible. To cling to an idea of suicide as a form of love, because there was none else to find anywhere else. 

God, Dr. Mariah needed to use this group as a case study or something, she could write a damn book using these unlucky bastards as a focus point. She’d be more famous than those people who did that study of that kid raised by gorillas. Maybe she’d write it now and if no one managed to exorcize her in a hundred and fifty years she’d publish it using false names, so that none of their great grandkids would ever know the study was about them. There’d be plenty of studies on the effect of Indentured Servitude from Luminary’s pool and there was already studies starting of Poppy psychology, not to mention childhood trauma and anxiety and depression disorders from Kokichi’s end, but Kaito could be his own fucking section. The case study would be fascinating for the psychology field.

Dr. Mariah thought all this, but her expression was carefully sympathetic, without being expressive enough to derail any of their train of thoughts. Neutral, but not unkind. A therapists bread and butter, as far as expressions go. “It’s difficult, to have a loved one fall victim to suicide, even if only for a few days–” and then confirming they were murdered by another loved one wasn’t exactly a huge relief, “--I imagine it was an emotional time.”

“It was, but, like… not for the reasons you’d think?” Kaito said, smoothing out his goatee as he said, “I did try to murder a woman, like… the next day. Was that the next day? I think that was the next day. I super tried to beat Nao to death, it was really Kokichi who kinda pulled me out of that. I mean, I had my reasons, but maybe I was still a little emotional, overall. Though all of that stuff did wonders for me not really thinking about it much at all. Was real… busy.”

“If you haven't talked to Miss Crystal about all of that yet, please make it a priority.” 

“No, no, we talk about that. I talk to her about my folks a lot, it comes up. I just wanted to contribute to the conversation, ya know? When I think about suicide, that memory comes up a lot. That’s all.”

“Okay,” Dr. Mariah looked around, before–

“I’m not sure I’ll ever really understand it.” Maki admitted, “Maybe to avoid pain, if you really can’t tolerate it, but otherwise… I suppose I just don’t see anything appealing in death. Even when life is at its worst. At least it’s something. Death is nothing.”

“Death isn’t nothing.” Kaito muttered.

“...death isn’t nothing?” Shuichi repeated, sounding a little befuddled and not like he entirely believed it. “Maybe?”

“Oh,” Maki said, blinking, “...well, even still. If trials end up being real, that’s still less interesting than being alive. Life is interesting, why waste that?”

“This is why you’re the optimist between us.”

“That will never not sound ridiculous.”

Kokichi winced a bit as Kaito mentioned what happened after. Had that really been the next day? Kaito got word about his parents with the worst delivery imaginable, and then the very next day he was told that his best friend was on insanely dangerous drugs and was being abused by someone Kokichi had said they could trust, someone explaining it as she had been trying to help, someone Kokichi had loved someone who just…came forward, telling it like a story?

Maybe there was a good reason Kokichi lost track of everything that had happened in those early days. It was all too much. 

Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair before looking up at Maki, even exhausted able to have a little amusement at his friends’ varying ideas about the afterlife. 

“I mean… I’d say it’s a good thing that you don’t understand it,” he softly hummed. “Finding death appealing is usually a big warning sign that something’s wrong.”

He had more to say about that. When he thought about death, it had always been with the expectation that it was nothing. Death being nothing was what he desperately yearned for, because…he was tired. He didn’t want any more interesting things, he didn’t want anything. He wanted that nothing. 

But…talking about his own ideation was more likely to just set someone off, rather than be something to contribute to a healthy conversation. He’d talked about it with Dr. Egami, at least, in a session where it wouldn’t be hurting anyone to explain how he felt.

“The reasons or why suicide sounds appealing to some are as varied as people’s ideas about anything. For some, like to avoid excessive pain, there’s an actual rational inside an otherwise healthy mind. That rationale is still usually incorrect, with more argument or thought given, but it does, sometimes, come from a rational place.” Dr. Mariah said, before continuing, “But, most of the time? It’s a side effect of a mental illness. And with that, unfortunately, unless you’ve experienced it yourself, it can be difficult for an otherwise healthy mind to empathize or even really conceptualize the desire. It’d be like trying to see the same thing someone who is hallucinating is seeing: you can understand on an intellectual level that they see something there, but there’s nothing for you to see yourself as a comparison. It’s just not there.”

“So I have a healthy brain then?” Maki asked, a small smirk suggesting she didn’t quite believe it.

“It’s at least not ill in that specific way.” Dr. Mariah genuinely cautioned. Dr. Mariah suspected Maki had her own issues that could benefit from being officially diagnosed by a one on one psychologist (‘Savior Complex’ kept coming to mind), but until Maki was willing to talk to a psychologist, that was mere speculation. 

“Mine wasn’t even a rationalization, really.” Shuichi said, thinking of his own ideations. “Mine felt more like… it was just this idea that I couldn’t let go of. Almost an impulse more than anything. I didn’t really want anything out of it. I just felt… tired, more than anything. Not excessively sad, or in pain, or afraid. Just worn down. And I couldn’t get past this idea that I could. That it was just a choice and that was i–”

“It is not.” Kaito said, teeth grit, still polishing his rock. “A choice you get to make… it’s not an option.”

Shuichi sighed. “I’d argue with you, but no one would win. It’d be depressing more than anything.”

“Than don’t argue. Just do what I say.” Kaito grumbled, “I say no.”

Unfortunately…Kokichi couldn’t speak for Luminary. For some of its people, the structure really had made life impossible, and while Kokichi wanted to claim otherwise…he simply wouldn’t understand the conditions. But, as his beliefs went generally--there was always a way out. Another way. A brighter day and a helping hand if only you stuck it out a little longer. 

He could understand that being too much for some people, but…he still hoped they would. The world was better with more people in it. 

Looking over at Shuuichi, Kokichi nodded slowly. It hadn’t been his “main” motivations, not ever the drive behind any of his attempts, but…there had been days. When the depression was more draining than dampening, there was…that fixation. A ‘if all else fails today, I could always end it’ kind of thinking. And instead of relief…the concept of death had just been…what Shuuichi said. An empty choice. 

Honestly, Kokichi found that thinking even scarier, though it had never been what drove him into action. 

“The bare minimum goal, these days, is not to die,” Kokichi said softly, the anger in Kaito’s voice both irritating and understandable…which then provoked guilt for feeling the irritation. “And…since I’ve been doing better, at least, none of my reasons or fixations have felt logical or right or desirable.”

Nodding to Shuuichi, he continued, “It’s just…more of a memory of how I felt at the time, and so it’s how I’d describe it to other people who ask. I wouldn’t be actually arguing that those thoughts make sense, or it’s something I want to fight for and…I don’t wanna speak for Shuu-chan, but I don’t think that’s what he wants either--so he said he wouldn’t argue it. I’m not trying to argue on the “pro”s of suicide.”

It was just trying to explain what their experiences were like. Even if it was hard to hear. 

“Exactly. I can describe why I thought it was a good idea. But actually arguing it ever was… that feels counterproductive.” Shuchi sighed, “...especially considering whenever I have to argue my points, I tend to get more attached to them. I’m stubborn, like that.”

“I wouldn’t say that’s true for you,” Maki said, raising an eyebrow at Shuichi, “I saw your mind change countless times, on cases.”

“That’s different. You have to remember all your theories are just that. Theories. When working a case.” Shuichi said, shrugging, “It was a work thing. Professional mindset. Outside of work? I tend to stick to my ideas, especially the more opposition I get for them.”

“I still disagree. You barely even have hard opinions to defend.”

“Not being crazy enough to think I can change the entire structure of a country isn’t the same thing as ‘not having opinions’. Or, for that matter, it’s not comparable to being raised towards defending your countries ideals in an actual physical sense–” he said, indicating to Kokichi, and then nodding to Kaito as he said, “-- or, again, being raised to defend your countries ideals in an actual physical sense. Comparing my opinions, as just, essentially, ‘a guy with thoughts about things’ to how you all view those concepts is like comparing warm coal to a bonfire. It’ll never measure up.”

“...okay, but if you had wanted too, you could do that too–”

“We’re getting off topic.” Shuichi said, looking to Dr. Mariah, “Right? Come on, steer the discussion back on course.”

“...it’s an interesting discussion point, honestly, if the physical ability to accomplish a task still means you have the same mental fortitude to do so, and how much that can be actually measured in a person.” Dr. Mariah mused, “Seems like it’d keep a Psychology 102 class talking for hours. But, yes. This doesn’t seem like a crisis conversation for the group. At least not at the moment. Probably better for you two to debate it on your own time.”

“Oh, they do,” Kokichi murmured fondly. 

(Shuuichi, if there was a way to look at people and see ‘all-around stats’ was a calmer person than Kaito, Kokichi would say. And Kaito’s passion for things was a major reason why he admired his husband. But that was in no way to say Shuuichi was lacking passion. He just tended to apply it in more specific circumstances.

It might be less flattering to Kaito, but more accurate to say that fewer things offended Shuuichi’s sensibilities than Kaito or Maki, thus he didn’t feel a need to speak up or take a side. 

But Shuuichi definitely had hills he’d die on, and refuse to let others claim their own.)

“...what should we pivot to, then?” Kokichi said after a moment, not much inflection in his voice. He knew he hadn’t been contributing much, but…what could he say that they hadn’t heard before? He was depressed and coping poorly. They knew.

Kaito gave Kokichi a sort of… bewildered look. Honestly, out of everyone, he had thought Kokichi would have the most to say about all of this. But so far…

“Shuichi,” Dr. Mariah said, tilting her head, “You said something earlier I want to touch on. You said, if I understood right, that you had an attempt during the poppies? You sounded disappointed.”

“It… it wasn’t really an attempt.” Shuich said, frowning, “It sort of was, but not really… it was more I just didn’t care if I did die. I was enjoying the feeling of burning under the water–”

Kaito made a small, angry sound and stood up, looking for a moment like he was uncertain what he was doing… before going to sit by the koi fish, putting his rock aside and leaning over to pet them, a frustrated look on his face.

Shuichi went on regardless, not surprised by this point, “--when Maki pulled me out. I got angry at her for doing it. Again, it wasn’t really a feeling of wanting to die, specifically. Just no real desire to live, saving me. And… that was frustrating, in hindsight. I hadn’t had a serious suicidal episode since I was seventeen. It very much felt like something I had under control. I took pride in that, but…” Shuichi shrugged tiredly, “Poppies set me back.”

“You know, it was almost Kaito that found you.” Maki said, “That was the same moment I asked him to sleep with you. I wanted him to go right then.”

“That would have been a nightmare…” Kaito murmured… before his brow furrowed, “... should I have gone? I didn’t go because I hadn’t agreed to sleep with Shuichi, but…” Kaito glanced up at Shuichi, face filled with regret, “Maybe I should have gone anyway, to at least try to talk to you. Fuck, to at least not have put it all on Maki’s shoulders. I’m sorry… I let you both down a lot, in the early days of us getting here. I’ll never not regret it… you all deserved more from me.”

“We did.” Shuichi agreed, “But, I’m glad you didn’t see me in that moment. I was bitter, and viscous, by that point. If you had tried to be kind to me or talk to me… well, if I… recall right? You all tried that later, and it didn’t work. Didn’t Maki end up drugging me to get me to sleep? There wasn’t any reasoning with me.”

“Well, then, I should have still tried to help Maki then.”

“There’s always some way it can be your fault, huh Kaito?” Maki said, her tone tsking, “I literally dragged him to your room right after. You did help. It’s fine. I was pissed you didn’t sleep with Shuichi on command, but, well, we’ll call that us both being wrong.”

Kaito laughed, looking a little less guilty and more at ease as he said, “Oh, uh huh. Sure.”

Kokichi glanced up, matching Shuuichi’s frown. It still had been an attempt, and it had been terrifying, but…that was what the poppies made people do. At least where it pertained to Shuuichi’s mental state (in the long run), Kokichi couldn’t consider that attempt a…moment of weak will, or a relapse. It definitely would have an effect on Shuuichi’s mental health (and it had) but…a drug-induced attempt was different. 

But with the actual actions they took that day… Kokichi cringed a little. Kaito told him that Maki asked him to sleep with Shuuichi to try and help him with his symptoms in the kindest way they could, and…Kaito didn’t, and didn’t go see Shuuichi, because Kokichi had been uncomfortable. 

Considering how Kaito had reacted to Shuuichi’s attempt in their teens, Kokichi…at least couldn’t say it was a bad outcome that Maki had found Shuuichi instead (the worst outcome would’ve been if the three of them had kept chatting, and Shuuichi hadn’t been found by anyone) but…Kaito sounded regretful. So it was just…another fucking thing that Kokichi did to make things more difficult on his husband. 

“...I think we managed to reason with you a little,” Kokichi murmured, deciding to speak on at least one part of all that. “Wasn’t that when we got you to admit for the first time that the poppies weren’t entirely something good? I feel like that was a big step…”

“Did I?” Shuichi asked, adjusting his hat, his eyes glancing towards the left as he tried to recall, “The poppy days are so disjointed and vague to me now, it can be tough to remember the details… but I suppose if I was willing to concede anything about the pollen, honestly, than… I suppose I wasn’t entirely lost then.” 

Shuichi seemed to consider all that… before his eyes went a little sad. Maybe if his family had known about everything happening, maybe they really would have been able to manage him through the worst of it. Shuichi genuinely believed he would have been a nightmare to take care of, that Nao had made that decision for a really valid reason, but… maybe they could have handled it.

(Or maybe he would have ended up in a psych ward cause Kaito was terrified Shuichi would die under his watch. Who knows.)

“You were never ‘entirely’ lost, Shuichi.” Dr. Mariah said, “You’re right here, alive and well and mentally quite well, all things considered, after all. As hopeless as it all felt at times, you all have to give yourselves credit that you did more than survived it. All things considered? You’re all doing well. Take pride in that. And forgive the mistakes, for however many of them can even be claimed as such. The situation was more than difficult: it was ridiculous and absurd, in the truest meaning of those words. You all did your best, and that’s all you can ask of yourselves.”

“That said, do you have any lingering concerns over your suicidal episode, Shuichi? Anything you wish to discuss?” She asked.

“...I guess no more than just being annoyed I’ve had a recent one. It’s not something I regret ‘failing’, and it’s not something I currently have a desire to try again. Honestly, in comparison to so many other things, I almost wouldn’t even call it that traumatic an event. It doesn’t haunt me.”

“So long as you’re being honest with yourself?” Dr. Mariah nodded, “Then good. Ideal, really. Though, if your mind changes on that, or you find yourself facing ideation again? If Dr. Ford is not available or desired, you can always come to me, Shuichi, my door is open to you. And keep your partners informed, if you can manage it. Suicidal ideation is easier to manage with an active support system. Don’t tackle it yourself, even if you succeeded at that in the past.”

Shuichi quietly nodded.

“Alright… anyone else?” Dr. Mariah asked.

Kaito glanced over at Kokichi. Something… frustrated. Running through him.

The days all blurred together for Kokichi, and he wasn’t even the one on drugs. He couldn’t imagine how disorienting that time was for Shuuichi, now looking back. Come to think of it, his boyfriend had expressed uncertainty before about how certain things happened in those weeks. Unfortunately…there wasn’t much Kokichi could do for him there, besides be a listening ear if Shuuichi wanted to talk. Which was still a help! But wouldn’t give Shuuichi any answers, not with any solid confirmation.

(...there was a way he could. But maybe some things were better left forgotten.)

Kokichi gave Shuuichi a fond look as Dr. Mariah…well, wrapped things up on that. They had made it out, alive and well and with their family intact. There were worse states to be in. And Kokichi was more than a little relieved and proud that ideation wasn’t bothering Shuuichi so much these days. 

As she opened up the floor again…Kokichi couldn’t do much more than sigh. “...could we take a break, actually? I’m…kinda feelin’ rundown.”

“...” Kaito’s brow furrowed, glancing at Dr. Mariah.

“Of course. It’s been a difficult day.” Dr. Mariah said, glancing down at her pocket watch, “We’re at the last stretch, but let’s take five minutes, stretch, relax. I didn’t take the breaks I said we were going too, I got caught up in conversation, I apologize for that, so with that in mind, if you feel like five minutes isn’t enough when the time is up? We’ll take more, there’s no hurry. We’ve made good progress.”

… what the fuck?

Kaito glanced at Maki and Shuichi, trying to read their expressions, to see if they were thinking like he was. But Shuichi got up and said, “I’m gonna go pee.” before heading to the door downstairs, and Maki started sipping at her tea, having just been nursing it this whole time.

… what?

Kokichi nodded slightly and curled up in his egg as the break was called, resting his head on his knees. …he was so tired. He couldn’t say it was just one thing, since this entire session had been a lot, but…

He hated how just…one thing could tank him so much. They’d talked about it, he knew it wasn’t really…anyone’s fault that, despite having so many people close to him, he’d still managed to isolate himself so thoroughly and make himself miserable. The more important thing was that he wasn’t like that anymore. He had great friends and a big, loving family, and he was happy with it! He was doing so much better, unraveling all the hurt he’d done to himself, and learning how to be better than the hurt he’d caused other people. 

…but he still felt like shit right now. And he just wanted to go home and sleep. Maybe get out a stuffed animal to hold while he did. 

Unbidden, tears started welling in his hidden eyes.

Kaito quietly watched the group take a break, Dr. Mariah looking through her journal, Maki sipping tea, Shuichi gone, and Kokichi curled up, face in his knees, looking exactly like…

… he looked at Dr. Mariah and Maki again. More bewildered.

Was seriously no one else seeing this shit??

How?? How??? The fuck did Kokichi keep getting overlooked like this??? Like, Kaito could maybe understand how King Aichi or Lake would miss this, they were, ya know… people with separate, busy lives. Sure. But Maki and Dr. Mariah? Had Shuichi noticed?? Why the fuck didn’t anyone else seem worried!?

Or, pissed, for that matter???

Fussing with his joints, Kaito considered the break… before huffing in frustration, he moved towards Kokich– “Hands, Kaito, you’ll get sick.” Dr. Mariah cautioned, not looking up from her journal.

Cursing to himself, Kaito went to wash his hands of Koi fish water, then went to Kokichi. 

He squatted down in front of his egg, looking up at Kokichi with a frown… and when he didn’t get his attention right away, pushed at Kokichi’s swing chair, causing it to swing. “Hey.”

Kokichi wasn’t really focused on anything outside himself, and even the thoughts in his head were mostly centered on how tired he was, and reassuring himself that their session was almost done. He’d said he’d stick it out, but…he was really at the end of his rope here. 

It wasn’t fair, but when Kokichi felt his chair rock, a deep sigh escaped him, and he blinked back tears before looking up. His eyes were a little red, and there was no escaping the exhaustion in them. 

“Hey,” he murmured back. “How’re you holding up?”

Kaito frowned at that. “...seriously?”

He sounded…almost angry. Rather than asking if Kokichi seriously wanted to know how he was doing. 

Kokichi had just enough in him to huff. “...I know you hate talking about this stuff. I wanted to check in. I am allowed to worry about you.”

“This conversation is hard for me?” Kaito frowned, before his brow furrowed. Grabbing the end of Kokichi’s chair, he pushed it backwards, putting his weight against it, so that Kokichi was tilting slightly forwards as Kaito looked up square in to his gaze, “You’ve told me twice since I met you that you’ve wanted to die, and one of those times was during an actual attempt. Which wasn’t that long ago, Kokichi. Yet we’ve been talking about suide for a half hour and you’ve had nothing to say. It’d be like talking about poppies and Shuichi not having an opinion.”

“And if it was anyone else? Shuich, Maki, me… I kept waiting for Dr. Mariah to coax you out. Or for you to volunteer something. Or for Maki to make one of her blunt little comments… no one else would have gotten away with not saying anything.” Kaito frowned, looking genuinely befuddled… before sighing, “I should have done it. I guess this is me, doing it now… Kokichi? Why aren’t you saying anything? You’re clearly bothered, this is the time to talk about it.”

…he had a point. For how much Kokichi had put Kaito through, subjecting him to the trauma of a suicidal spouce…it was just mean to clam up now, when they had a safe, open space to talk. It was just…

Kokichi sighed again, dropping his head back onto his knees, though he tilted his head a little to still make eye contact with Kaito. He wasn’t trying to hide. “...we did talk about it. And I probably do have things to say…”

“...but I just don’t know what they are right now,” he muttered. “Every time I thought about speaking up about my own experiences…I couldn’t find any words besides saying, yeah, I’ve been suicidal. And…like when Shuu-chan was talking about his…you guys don’t need to hear the exact stuff I feel when I’m in an episode. That’s just…needlessly traumatic. Sure freaked you out enough when I threw it at you like a weapon…”

“...I’m tired,” Kokichi groaned, closing his eyes. “And I’m low. And I’ve been good about getting out of lows relatively quickly these days, but…I just can’t muster up the will to…do anything.”

“...can we take a nap together when we get home?”

Kaito’s brow furrowed in concern, “Traumatic… ‘Kichi, don’t–”

“Kaito?” Dr. Marah sighed, looking up from her journal, “Are we respecting the break? Kokichi was the one that asked for it, remember?”

Kaito’s grip on Kokichi’s chair tightened, a wave of frustration running through him… but maybe he was being too loose with his anger right now. He wasn’t even sure why he was…

No, that was a lie. He knew why he was upset. He wasn’t sure if it was a good reason to be upset, but he knew why.

Kaito glanced back at Dr. Mariah, before sighing, standing up and leaning down to give Kokichi a kiss, chaste and quick, “We can take a nap when we get back, yeah… but I want to talk to you, okay? Later?”

Kokichi was half-thankful that Dr. Mariah intervened. He knew he did have to talk, and that talking would probably help him out of this rut, and undoubtedly would help in the long-run, but… He just couldn’t find the things to say right now. He could probably answer direct questions, but…going off on a ramble would be hard to manage. 

Unhelpful…

Kokichi smiled up at Kaito at the kiss, and…while Kaito saw some pretty obvious and historic warning signs, there were other signs to show that this wasn’t as bad as he feared. This wasn’t Kokichi in suffering despair, keeping his tears and pain to himself. This was Kokichi emotionally and mentally exhausted; low, but not quite upset. It would be okay.

“Yeah. We’ll talk. I love you, hun.”

Kaito gripped his fists, but only as more of a tension reflex than anger, his short nails digging slightly into the dip of his palms. Giving Kokichi a long, concerned look, Kaito… glanced at Dr. Mariah again. Then over at Maki. Dr. Marah was sipping at her tea. Maki’s eyes were watching Shuichi, who was coming back.

… Kaito didn’t really understand. Maybe he was being irrational. He went to go sit down.

“You get lost?” Maki asked, tilting her head at Shuchi as he settled in.

“I was barely gone.” Shuichi tsked, raising an eyebrow at her, “I stopped to look at the aquarium downstairs.”

“How is everyone feeling?” Dr. Mariah asked, closing her journal and pocketing it again, looking around the group, “I know the discussion of suicide is always a difficult one, in any context. Does anyone need more time?”

“No. I’m actually feeling pretty okay myself.” Shuichi said, “I know it’s a tough thing to talk about, but… maybe I just have a morbid sense of humor about it. I never find it that difficult to talk about.”

“I’ll be honest, Shuichi, that makes me more nervous, that it doesn’t bother you.” Kaito admitted, giving Kokichi a worried look before focusing on Shuichi. 

“I… don’t know how you want me to act, Kaito.” Shuich sighed, “Did you want me to get timid and afraid? Or pissed, like you do?”

Kaito gripped his palms… “...I’d appreciate it if you’d re-word that.”

Shuichi looked, briefly, defensive… before it morphed into a certain amount of discomfort as he re-thought his wording. “Sorry, I meant that talking about my suicide ideation like it bothers me would feel like a step back. Like I was still struggling with it, actively, you know?”

Kokichi looked between his partners with slight trepidation as the tension built between them, but…they were okay. They weren’t trying to fight each other on this. No one was trying to argue on the side of suicide so…they were all working together. Just trying to understand each other more. 

Nodding slowly, Kokichi hummed softly. “I think I understand… When I’m having a good day, thinking about my issues is…I’m more frustrated and…almost exasperated with myself, even if I can be kind and understanding. But…when things are good, it’s almost like I just see what my reasoning as something…dumb and pointless. Like it’s so far removed from what I feel now, and…that in itself is nice, ‘cause it feels like those thoughts, which in the past had been so consuming, doesn’t have any power over me anymore.”

“When I get sad over it… Sometimes it’s just feeling the shock and revulsion of what I could’ve done, and that’s alright, but…other times it… It’s sad ‘cause it feels like something I could slip back into. And that’s…scary. It’s not a failing of progress, but…it means I need a little more help to hold myself accountable…”

Kokichi shrugged a little. “I’m not sure if that’s how you feel, but… It feels like there’s more to be proud of, when you can just kinda dismiss those feelings.”

Shuichi nodded, relaxing a little, “Exactly. It’s like those feelings don’t have any power over me, so I can treat them lightly.”

“I… I guess I can get that.” Kaito said, rubbing the back of his neck, giving Kokichi in particular a slightly more relaxed look. “I just, it makes me nervous, how casually people treat their own deaths…”

“That’s interesting,” Dr. Mariah asked, tilting her head slightly, “Let’s explore that.”

“...let’s explore that?” Kaito asked, looking baffled again, “Are you serious?”

“I’m sorry?” Dr. Mariah asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Okay, look, look… this is going to sound like a ‘woe is me, Kaito is whining’ thing again, okay, I get that.” Kaito said, raising his hand defensibly, “But whenever I say anything, it feels like, we put it under a microscope and deconstruct it to death. Meanwhile, Kokichi… sorry, babe, but Kokichi has a history of suicide stuff, raised his hand for like, every single question you asked about sucidie, and hasn’t said anything about himself in an hour… and, honestly? Barely ever says anything about himself!”

Dr. Mariah raised an eyebrow, “I mean… that’s not exactly true–”

“You called Shuichi and Maki out on it, you never even kinda let me get away with it, but when Kokichi dodges stuff? No one ever says anything about it! Right? Why?” Kaito said, looking flabbergasted, “Am I just missing it? I don’t understand why it’s always okay for Kokichi to keep his feelings all bottled up? Doesn’t he need this too? But everyone always just… lets him!”

“... there are certain techniques useful for everyone, but before that, let’s explore this. Are you feeling too focused on, or is this something–”

“No, I… augh!” Kaito growled, digging his palm into his hands, before saying, “I don’t want to let Kokichi hide himself away from us cause he’s convinced that’s what we want! I saw how that worked out for the rest of his family! We can’t let him do that to us! That’s what I’m saying, it’s not about me… god, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.” Kaito grumbled to himself, “How does no one else see this?”

(There was a mean part of Kokichi that was unamused, considering how lightly Kaito took other people’s deaths… But there was a reason the part of him that felt that way was the mean part. It wasn’t quite accurate.)

However…as Kaito put the lens on him… Kokichi fidgeted uncomfortably, looking at Kaito with minor alarm and concern. …yeah, he hadn’t said much today, as it pertained to himself, but…he’d let everyone know that. Usually…he shared as much as he felt during their sessions, when the topics were more open, right?

He wasn’t…hiding, right? Pushing his family away again?

Chewing on his lip, Kokichi spoke up after a moment. “...I mean… Today… Just given an open floor to talk…I don’t know what to say. I told everyone that from the start… But…”

Kokichi’s brows furrowed as he turned to the rest of the group. “...I feel like I share about myself here. Am I not?”

“I mean, we spend most of our time in these therapy sessions talking about you and Kaito’s relationship, honestly. I feel like you talk plenty.” Maki said, shrugging. “Maybe not so much this last few sessions, specifically, but I sort of had the impression we’ve been focusing on Kaito for a reason.”

“Kaito, you can be kind of a ‘lost in the moment’ sort of guy.” Shuichi pointed out, not ungently, “I don’t know if I disagree that Kokichi’s holding back now, but I don’t think it’s fair to say it’s a longer habit than that.”

“This is… literally a life-long habit of his.” Kaito said stiffly, “Kokichi will add things to, like, respond to stuff we bring up, like to reassure us or empathize with us or answer a question, but… our ‘Kichi never volunteers anything. Which is usually fine! Or it should be, but… I have to draw the line when it’s literally in front of the doctor, when we should be talking about stuff that specifically affects him. We can’t just… just…”

Kaito looked uncertain now, as Shuichi and Maki both gave him confused looks. Not quite on board with his argument. 

Dr. Mariah though, tapped against her journal, “...Kokichi, in the past, usually volunteers information during the natural flow of conversation. Maybe he doesn’t always go first, but he does contribute, I’ve never felt like he’s been willfully unforthcoming. But I do know that, Kokichi, you can get a bit quiet and withdrawn when it’s about things that bother you exclusively. And the less helpful it feels for the group overall, the less you feel like talking. So, I try to wait for moments where it becomes more obvious that it’ll benefit the group, to ask you personal things. I say this, Kokichi, as a way to explain why I usually don’t put you in the hot seat. It’s not because your needs are less urgent. Everyone just requires a certain amount of tact. I hope you never felt like we were glossing over you, that was never the intention.”

Kokichi was also quick to withdraw when angry or defensive, but pointing that out would only potentially lead to that same withdrawal. Some people required a kick in the ass. Some people required patience. Dr. Mariah didn’t feel like she had misjudged Kokichi’s limit, yet, but it seemed she had misjudged Kaito’s, who was seeing the difference in tactics and apparently concerned..

…did he never volunteer stuff? He felt like he did--talking about the memorial garden fight and his fears about talking to Kaito about certain things, which they had been working on, and…other stuff. Was it all only reactionary?

Or…maybe not just reactionary…but…

Kokichi chewed his lip a little more. “...sometimes I have trouble parsing what’s actually worth discussing as a group, or if there’s stuff I should take to my personal sessions. I know it’s not so cut and dry, since stuff that bothers, or just affects me is gonna affect you guys,” he nodded to his family, “Cause we have a relationship, but…I dunno. It doesn’t feel like a good use of time to go over what Aiichi and I have talked about on a weekly cycle.”

“...I…don’t think I’ve been keeping back, like…big stuff though…” He murmured, choosing to give himself the benefit of the doubt about the thing he couldn’t remember. If he didn’t remember it, then it wasn’t his choice to withhold it. “Like, I do always try to contribute to the conversation, if I have something to say… It… I don’t like talking about stuff that you guys don’t really…have any input to give during these sessions, though. It’s for all of us…”

“Yeah, all of us. Shuichi, Maki, me, annnnnnd~ oh yeah. Kokichi.” Kaito huffed, running his hands through his hair, “I mean, I’d buy it if you thought any of us sharing things that were bothering us personally was bad, but you let me tell any random thing about myself I want and never make it weird or make me feel selfish and self-focused.”

“...” Dr. Mariah tapped at her journal, before saying, “Whether or not this is true, altogether, almost isn’t relevant by this point. It’s apparently a communication issue, which makes this officially in our wheelhouse. Kaito, assuming your side of events is accurate, why does it upset you? What are you hoping to gain?”

“I… what?” Kaito asked, looking confused again.

“Apologies, that’s two separate questions. You’ve brought up this issue, as you see it. In your mind, best case scenario. What happens next?”

… Kaito shifted uncomfortably. How did this become about him again? That wasn’t the point! The point was…

“...I guess… best case scenario from me bringing it up is Kokichi feels… comfortable enough to complain to us?” Kaito reasoned out, brow furrowed, “Uh, like… I guess I’m just worried that Kokichi doesn’t feel comfortable and… yeah. I want him…” Kaito frowned, feeling foolish, before turning to Kokichi, saying to him, “I want you to feel like you can lean on us. Me. Sometimes I feel like you hold back to protect my feelings… I just wanna make sure you know that’s not something I’m asking of you. I want you to… just feel comfortable. Ideally. I guess.”

…it wasn’t fair. But…if they talked in their group sessions, at least then Kokichi knew they were talking about whatever thing with someone. Because while Kaito had been going to sessions with Miss Crystal for months, and Shuuichi had talked enough with Dr. Ford for the doctor to be considering medication…

…Kokichi still worried that they weren’t being open during therapy. And he knew he was in his own sessions so…it felt more selfish and counter-productive for him to speak up during their group ones. 

He sighed, looking down guiltily. “...I have been trying to work on it. Like…there’s still no reason to just be an ass, but…I’ve been trying not to hold back to spare your feelings. Though…I do think you could use more, I know you have other outlets if I do touch a nerve and it’s not something we can talk out immediately.”

“...but I’ve tried not to hold back even more during therapy. It’s important to be honest here…it’s how we’ll make any sort of progress in understanding each other, with the benefit of someone who can mediate.” Kokichi rubbed the back of his neck before looking back up. “...I don’t feel uncomfortable, like, to the point of holding back… I do feel like I can rely on you guys… It’s just hard bringing stuff up out of the blue, or having an open floor.”

Kaito gave Kokichi a mildly uncomfortable look, not unhappy with Kokichi’s answer, but at the same time not sure how to respond to it. He supposed if Kokichi didn’t feel like he had to hold back, then…

“We don’t have a lot of time left,” Dr. Mariah mused, before saying, “But, let’s try a small exercise. Kokichi, you raised your hand for being affected by someone else’s suicide. Again, I wasn’t going to ask directly, because, Kaito, Kokichi does contribute when it become relevant, and I assumed it’d become relevant… but Kokichi, if you feel like you need a more direct request to express certain things?”

She considered Kokichi a bit, tasting the air, “...you don’t have to talk about the incident. Some things are difficult, and take time. And if not time, than timing. But, if you feel like you’d gain anything sharing? This is your invitation to do so.”

Kokichi…didn’t really like talking about it. Of all the confusing, unsure moments in his childhood, that was one of the clear ones that he could point to as ‘traumatic’. But…that was the point of talking about it here. 

His shoulders slumping, Kokichi shrugged a little bit. “...when I was seven, someone committed suicide by jumping off the side of the observatory. I had been playing in the yard.”

Kokichi’s gaze drifted down and off to the side, his fingers fussing with the hem of his shirt. “...no one knew who he was, at first. A detective found out he was this guy, Aurhim, and…that he’d come to the castle because of the LRG. Another person they’d tricked into coming after me and…”

…and he hadn’t been able to take it. The remorse had been so much stronger and more pointed than the others…or perhaps Aurhim had just had issues that put him at risk. Kokichi would never know. No one had known who he was…

“...I don’t really…remember it exactly,” Kokichi said softly. “Trauma response, I guess.”

Ah, right. Aurhim. Kaito and Kokichi had talked about that, before. But Kaito was still glad Kokichi had brought it up again. Like last time, he didn’t want Kokichi to feel like he couldn’t talk about these people around Kaito, even if his brute of a husband was far less forgiving and more viscous than Kokichi was about them. Kaito didn’t always do a good job of it, but… if it wasn’t hurting Kokichi actively? He didn’t want his husband to feel weird about his feelings.

“... is that why the observatory has those annoying bars around the outside line you should be able to walk on?” Maki asked, brow furrowing, before her cheeks puffed out in annoyance, “It’s impossible to get around the observatory tower from the outside. I have to go all the way up and over the connecting roof to get from one side to the next.”

“Maki,” Shuichi said softly, giving her a scolding look, “That’s not the takeaway. You don’t need to walk around the outside of the observatory anyway.”

“That’s a difficult memory to have, at such a young age. Even if you don’t quite remember it. Memories are lying things, but we never really forget anything. They just become muscle memories, or nervous ticks. Nameless anxieties, or sometimes, nameless comforts. Though, what we understand of those memories on a surface level, tend to be wildly inaccurate.” Dr. Mariah mused, before giving Kokich a sympathetic look, “You might not remember, consciously, but I’m sorry that’s something you’ve had to carry with you. That’s not an easy thing to bear.”

“...I think that would terrify me, if I saw something like that.” Kaito said gently, “I hate that it happened, and I hate that you saw it. And… I’m sorry if that didn’t… I know you didn’t want to bring it up but… thanks for doing it for me. I just worry about you…”

Kokichi nodded slightly, somehow looking even more tired than he did before…but after a moment, he opened his mouth again. “I know you do… And I appreciate it, Kai-chan. You care about me, and I love that about you.”

“...I have nightmares, sometimes, about it.” Kokichi had talked to Dr. Egami about this. It was something just…entirely personal. But he was trying to be better. “Just…little things. Sensations I guess I do remember. But I haven’t had a dream about it in a long time. My last set of nightmare subjects had been…” Kokichi’s gaze flicked up for just a moment before dropping again. “...what happened at the coast. Maki-chan and I talked about it before.”

He wasn’t sure what the point of this was. His family knew that he had bad nightmares sometimes, and that he’d been really hurt by what happened at the coast. He was working on addressing all that and growing past it, so…he wasn’t sure what the point of dredging it up as a group would be.

Kaito’s brow furrowed in concern. He hadn’t known Kokichi dreamt of the beach… Kokichi so rarely talked about the beach. There had been times where…

Maybe Kaito should say this aloud.

But as Kaito started to speak, Maki jumped in first, “We did. Stress nightmares can be… challenging. When my dreams are my own, most of my nightmares are vague recreations of things, not quite true, not quite false… but admittedly, some of the ones that frighten me the most are the ones about things I can’t quite remember. Vague sensations. A sense of being trapped, a fear of…” 

Maki frowned. Crossing her arms over her chest and crossing her legs as she said, “time passing. I never recognize it while I’m dreaming, but I think I used to stress myself out, when I was going through conditioning, by refusing to sleep. Like I could delay mornings arrival by just not sleeping… it’s a frustrating way to spend the night. Shuichi lucked out.”

Shuichi huffed slightly at that, “It’s rare, but I have had stress dreams before. They sort of happen randomly in between my repeats. I had a stress dream of trying to put Miya back in her crib once, but I couldn’t reach it… but you’re right, I don’t tend to dream of the past like that. I don’t dream about my time on the pollen. Or at least I haven't yet. Watch, now I will just because it’s occurred to me I haven't.”

“I have stress dreams all the time.” Kaito shrugged, knowing they all knew that, “Mine is always, like… a little fantastical though. Mermaid kids, haunted houses, weird stuff like that. Dreaming about vague feelings in the dark sounds awful… you know, Kokichi,” Kaito said, looking to his husband, feeling sheepish, “This is going to sound stupid, because it is, but… there was a time, uh, honestly more than once, where I kinda marveled that you could… just get past the beach stuff. The…” Kaito waived his hand vaguely, “All of it, stuff. You’re so hard to phase… with big stuff, like that. It always just seems to brush off of you… I always find myself wishing I was as tough as you. I feel like I never get over anything. Like I’m always just… constantly on the verge of losing it. The beach, all of that…” 

Kaito looked pale and tired, as he said, “I feel like I’m going to literally vomit, sometimes, when I think about the beach. Like physically sick… it was such a nightmare…” Kaito blinked, before looking to Kokichi, “You know you can always tell me when you’re having those, right? You don’t have to get over it yourself…”

While starting from something personal, now…they were all sharing their experiences. Their struggles. And…creating more of an understanding because of it. 

Maki had talked about the voices with him before. When Kokichi had confided in her about the screams he couldn’t unhear, and all the ones his mind created. But he hadn’t even thought about dreams that came from conditioning. 

(Griffin had said it was a good thing Shuuichi couldn’t remember it. But even if a person couldn’t recall events, the body remembered.)

(Kokichi remembered that nightmare Shuuichi had. Dreaming of the past was hard, but your current anxieties preying on you was no cakewalk either.)

And Kaito…

Kokichi looked up, and his eyes widened in surprise before his expression fell. “...you thought I got past it?” He had been silent for days, barely doing anything. Throwing himself into his work just to stop thinking about it all. Sure…he supposed he’d pulled himself together to deal with the other stuff, the veterans returning, Shuuichi’s panic attack when Nadya got hired, and, a few weeks later, Kaito locking himself in his shrine…and his kidnapping and all that. But Kokichi had been far from fine. 

Shaking his head a little, Kokichi half-hugged himself. “...I just cuddled up to you in bed when I’d wake up from them. I…” A heavy breath. “...Itch and Tom are people who genuinely scare me… I… You guys even called me out on it, when I was barely eating and just…sitting around when I wasn’t working. Sure…I guess you didn’t see that much of me when my dad and the others came back… An’ it was pretty much just Maki-chan there when I freaked out over her getting custody of them… But…”

Kokichi sighed. “...I hate thinking about the coast too. It… Most of the trip was nice, but…the end was…probably some of the worst moments of my life. And it took me ages to even start feeling like a person again afterward. It was just…” Kokichi rubbed his eyes before looking up at Kaito tiredly. “...we were in crisis-mode, when you locked yourself in your shrine and got kidnapped… I kinda had to pull myself together, because…I couldn’t lose you too…” 

Kaito’s eyes widened at that. Giving Kokichi an openly surprised look.

Kaito got up, moving quickly to Kokichi, Dr. Mariah quietly watching, content that this was moving on well enough without her. And maybe it was, as Kaito hesitated in front of Kokichi’s chair, looking down at him like he wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted to do…

And his concerned, tense face softened, and he knelt down in front of him and, resting on his knees but keeping his legs high to give himself the height, he wrapped his arms around Kokichi’s waist, resting his forehead on Kokichi’s sharp clavicle bone as he held him close, letting himself relax as he closed his eyes. 

“...Thanks for taking care of me, Kokichi.” Kaito said softly.

Kokichi let out a breath before he leaned forward into the embrace, burying his face in Kaito’s hair. “It’s what I want to do, always. Just like how you take care of me.” Kokichi slung his arms around Kaito’s shoulders, holding him securely.

There hadn’t been any time to rest, those first few months. It had been crisis after disaster, and while they had found moments to be happy, to be safe…they hadn’t had any time to sort through the stress and trauma they’d been through. So it never had been resolved, and they never really got past anything. It was only these past few months, making strides in therapy, Maki coming back to them, that…Kokichi thought they had actually started to heal. 

So…if Kaito wasn’t past stuff yet? That was normal. Kokichi wasn’t past it either. 

“...you’re so important to me,” Kokichi murmured quietly, just for Kaito to hear. “You’re the universe… I could never live with myself if something happened to you. But things keep happening to us…so I have to keep it together. I’m not…more composed, or unphased… I’m terrified, love. I can’t bear to lose you.”

Kaito felt his eyes burn at that a little, but he chuckled, tightening his grip as he murmured, “I get that… I feel like I put all my nervous breakdowns on hold and then they just… came out all at once and never slowed down.”

Kaito nuzzled his head further into Kokichi’s dip, feeling warm and comfortable in Kokichi’s arms, “I wanted so badly to be the strong one for you. And the stuff you were dealing with…I kept waiting for something. Some… break down or lash out. I kept telling myself I’d be patient through it, that I wouldn’t mess up taking care of you through it, that I wouldn’t hold anything you said against you… and when it didn’t happen? I thought maybe… that maybe I was just projecting. That I was losing it and you were fine and… I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t mentally prepare to be the one to lose it and I just… felt like I was letting you down…”

Kaito laughed again, feeling stupid as a few tears escaped him, murmuring, “I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me both things could be true. That you were doing the same for me…but I know. My ‘Kichi does a lot to protect me. I’m sorry you had to hold yourself together to take care of me. I’m sorry I make it so hard… I love you too.”

“...it’s important to communicate.” Dr. Mariah said, watching the moment with a pleased expression. Not feeling a need to do one of her speeches, or elaborate further. They knew. They all struggled to practice it, but… they knew. Glancing at Maki and Shuichi, Dr. Mariah said, “I’m exceptionally pleased by all of your progress today. All of you gave today your best effort… and just so you’re all aware, it’s not only Kokichi I hold back asking direct questions about certain things to. There’s things all of you have going on that I don’t believe you’re ready to be confronted about yet. And that’s okay. Things take time to process. Healing is a process. None of you have to hurry.”

Kokichi snorted, Kaito’s words resonating with him immensely. And every time he did break, it felt like such a failing, because there were always better things to focus on. Things people could be doing, but instead he was pulling their attention and…making it upsetting and difficult. 

…but that was a bad way to look at the compassion people had for each other. 

Feeling his eyes burn, Kokichi held his husband closer, pressing kisses into his scalp. “I felt like I was breaking down all the time…but I could never let myself finish, because I needed to be there for you. Instead of letting each other care and just…break together. Get help…”

“I love you so much… I’m sorry I don’t tell you enough.”

Sighing a little at Dr. Mariah’s words, Kokichi nuzzled his face against Kaito’s head more. “...that sounds like a wrap-up.” He peeked up, completely drained and reddened eyes looking up at the therapist. “Is that a wrap-up?” 

“I’m getting predictable. Yes, that’s my wrap-up speech.” Dr. Mariah said, smirking a little, “It’s been a trying time, so, no homework this time. Next session, I’d like to talk more about your schedules with Miya, encourage you all to make certain you’re taking time for yourselves and each other, outside of being parents. But for now, if no one feels the need to bring up anything before we go…?” 

She paused. All four of them gave her exhausted looks back, though Kaito’s exhausted look was tempered by his comfy lap hold. Looking considerably calmer than when they had started, something almost happy in his tired expression.

“Then we’ll wrap it up now, yes. Go home. Get some rest, if you can. You all did a good job. Maki, Shuichi? Thank you again. You both put yourself out there. I know that can be difficult.”

Shuichi stood up, stretching his arms over his head… before saying, “Anyone wanna grab a sweet on the way home?”

“Yes, please!” Kokichi raised a hand, his face back to hiding in Kaito’s hair. 

-

It showed a great deal of forethought and maturity that Kokichi didn’t immediately collapse into bed when they got home. Still munching on his almond turnover, the fragile, flaky pastry and puffs of powdered sugar would undoubtedly get in their bed no matter how careful he was, so despite his utter exhaustion, he simply collapsed into one of their spare chairs instead. 

Kicking his shoes off somewhere into the depths of their room, Kokichi barely acknowledged the half-knowing, half-questioning look Ikuo shot him before he groaned to the room at large. “I’m sleeping until dinner, I’ve decided.”

“Is~ my~ baby~ here~?” Kaito sang song, giving Shuichi a soft look before closing the bedroom door, Shuichi following Maki to her room. Shuichi needed a break from them, and he and Maki were likely going to end up lamenting together a bit. Decompressing from the stress of the meeting. 

Kaito headed to the crib as Kokichi went to sit down, having finished his warm apple tart on the way to the castle and thus having free hands to lean against the crib and softly coo into it, “There’s~ my~ baby~ girl~. Look at you, you’re such a soft, sleepy baby, what a good girl… how were things?” Kaito asked, looking over to Ikou.

“Li’l hiccup ‘round when she fir’s woke up withou’ y’all,” Ikuo nodded, speaking softly and setting his knitting project to the side. “Wer’n so pleased ta not see her pas right away. But we settled our diff’rences an’ she decided I was ‘cceptable ‘nuff. Been a darlin’ since.”

Nodding to the window, just the barest glimmer of fond amusement shone through Ikuo’s eyes. “Had some sun time fer a bit, she seemed ta enjoy that. Might like another walk with y’all outside if ya can find a time without folks swarming the gardens.”

“Mmm… That could be nice to do, some early morning,” Kokichi hummed, munching on his pastry with his eyes closed. “When I take over from you, hun? After food, if she’s not too sleepy… There’s usually some days you can catch with just a few people enjoying a quiet, early breakfast. If it’s just a few people, it could be good to get her more used to folks too…”

For a moment, Ikuo looked over his kids. Seeing the lines on Kokichi’s face, the draw of Kaito’s shoulders… It wasn’t distress or despondency, but…they looked tired. Therapy would do that to folks. “...I ain’t got anythin’ pressin’ ta do th’ res’ of th’ afternoon. Don’t mind stayin’ with Miya if y’all wanna get some rest.”

Kaito grinned fondly at his little girl as Ikou talked. Poor, fussy little thing, not getting exactly what she wanted, every time she wanted it. Poor, poor Miya~ Dad’s sorry. But he’s gotta go and get his head cracked open and then glued back on right every now and again, so his little baby Miya has more stable parents for the rest of her life. Little, little Miyaaaaa~

Kaito’s first instinct was to assure Ikou he had already done more than enough for them today and Kaito could handle her from here, but… Kaito had also promised Kokichi a nap today. And, frankly, needed one himself. Damn, he was tired… maybe he could stay awake and just let Kokichi nap on him, go watch Miya when Kokichi fell asleep… but, that would still leave Kaito really tired and, well, Ikou was offering…

“If you’re sure? You know those kinda worn down days where your skin feels funny. I guess the kind of days where you can notice that you feel your skin at all? Yeah, I don’t know about our ‘Kichi, but I am having one of those days.” Kaito chuckled, lightly petting Miyako’s slightly curly purple hair. “And yeah, a morning walk sounds nice. Need some summer sun, Miya? Does the sun rejuvenate you? Me too, sweetbun, you get that from dad–” and, well, the poppies, but whatever, “-- daddy and dada get all grumpy and slow in the sun. You and I will just have to be summer bunnies together~ gonna take you to the park and the lake whenever you want, sweety…”

Kaito realized he was rambling at his sleeping daughter, and rubbed his eyes tiredly, “Ugh. You sure, Ikou?”

“Ain’t gon’ holler at the goats if I can’t stand the bleatin’,” the older man said simply. 

“...thanks…Daddy…” came a mumbled murmur from the armchair, Kokichi slid even farther down, and yet still somehow vertical enough to keep nibbling at his treat. Looked like sleep-eating was finally coming in handy for him. 

Nodding, Ikuo looked over to Kaito again. “Y’all alright wi’the two ‘a us bein’ here while ya snooze? We can go jus’ next door if ya wan’ more privacy ta prop’ly rest. Is her room anyway.”

Kokichi dreaded the day they were going to properly encourage Miyako to sleep in her own room. He’d gotten a lot of advice from people, and he had a good idea of making the event a kind of party, so it felt fun for Miya to get to have her own space, rather than being taken away from her parents, but…still. He was prepared for a lot of nights debating whether to go console her or easing her into more independence. As it was…right now, he could barely bear to deny her anything.

Kaito had the exact same impulse of ‘no’. A sense of dread and even guilt, of Miya being ‘kicked out’, even if really it was just her utilizing the nursery that they had put so much time and care in. 

But… she was sleeping anyway, at the moment, the nursery was literally for her, and it would allow Ikou to not feel like he had to stay perfectly quiet to let his son and his son’s husband sleep. It’d honestly be the kindest option for Ikou, who was doing them a favor…

Kaito glanced at Kokichi for guidance, and seeing nothing particular helpful in the literally almost asleep Kokichi’s expression, gave Ikou an uneasy smile. “Maybe that’s a good idea… if she starts fussing at you, please come get me, I can get up and take care of her…”

“Course,” Ikuo nodded, tipping his cap, before giving a considering look to the new fathers. “We’ll be lir’ly next door. Ain’t e’en feet in th’ double digits apart. Anythin’ happens, you’ll know ‘mmediately. Bu’ please get some rest. Ya know ya need it.”

With that, Ikuo gently scooped Miyako up, her lightweight, baby blue blanket comfortably snug around her, and he waited a moment for Kaito to make any ‘see you when I wake up’s he needed to do. 

Meanwhile, while Kokichi didn’t so much as twitch, he sent an impression of warmth and love and wishes of good dreams to his daughter, almost like a mental hug to keep her company while she slept. They’d be close by, and she’d be alright. Just taking a nap with a different view around her.

Kaito watched Ikou leave, shifted on his feet a little, his own desire to fuss aching at him a little… before refocusing that feeling on Kokichi after a moment, heading to him and taking his head in his hands, kissing at his temple before squishing at his cheeks a little. “Finish your tart, we need to make the most of nap time while your father and daughter let us.”

Kokichi’s lips squished in with his cheeks, but that didn’t deter the sighing whine that left him. “M so tired I can’t even get ready to sleep… But I will.” Nothing, not even mind-numbing exhaustion was going to stop him from enjoying his tart, and enjoying it to the fullest. Summer was a season of fresh treats!

(Not that any other season was lacking, really. He’d be saying similar things next winter, greedily gobbling down all sorts of winter season goods.)

Popping the last bit of his tart in his mouth, Kokichi crunched down on it and pulled his torso up to flop forward, barely sitting on the armchair at all as he leaned against Kaito. “...I love you a lot, hun. Carry me to bed?”

Kaito laughed at that, one of those quiet but belly laughs that likely bounced Kokichi a little bit as he wrapped his arms around Kokichi’s back and bottom, picking him up with basically expert ease. “Ah, I see. Butter me up and then ask me to do all the heavy lifting. I see how this relationship works.”

Rubbing Kokichi’s back a little, he pulled back the blanket but sat Kokichi down, saying simply, “Clothes, babe.”

“Equal trade,” Kokichi hummed, still not opening his eyes even a little. “Can’t ask for something without giving anything in return…even if the timeline is muddled through the exchange of love through a relationship. You can ask the same of me, after all.”

Huffing softly, Kokichi pulled off his shirt and threw the powdered sugar-covered thing off to the side, following it up with his shorts after a moment, wiggling back on the bed a bit to avoid having to stand up. They weren’t going to bed for the night--no matter how enticing the idea sounded right then--so he didn’t have to brush his teeth…and there was no way Kokichi was gonna get up to wash his face when he was already in bed, so…

Without further aplomb, Kokichi flopped back onto their bed, rolling and shifting a bit to reorient himself properly before opening his arms wide, waiting for Kaito to join him. 

“Uh huh. Oh, I know. I make my own little demands.” Kaito conceded, tossing off his own shirt and pants, kicking off his shoes and socks and, just for good measure, running his hands through his slicked up hair and ruffling it loose. Would he look a little disheveled for dinner? No! …cause he’d just re-do his hair before going down for dinner. Obviously.

“Come here, you.” Kaito said, climbing in beside him and, pulling the thin blanket up over them, kissing Kokichi, chastly, light against his lips, his cheeks, and then one kiss that was more self indulgent, Kaito taking his time as he tasted his husband, enjoy the gentle warmth of him… before looking down at him with a smile, “You look so tired.”

Kokichi sighed happily as he felt Kaito move in beside him, immediately starting to snuggle up to him and lay his arm over Kaito’s waist, though waiting a few moments to kiss was no concession at all. The day was warm, but Kokichi still soaked in the heat of his husband, pressing their bodies together to become a mess of a cuddle-ball. More likely than not, he’d probably end up rolling completely on top of Kaito as they slept, as he had tended to do with Shuuichi before the latter months of his pregnancy. 

“I’ve been tired for, like…the past hour,” Kokichi sighed, nuzzling into Kaito’s chest. “I’m glad we could talk, but…man. Therapy, right?”

“Therapy’s stupid and I don’t know why we do it.” Kaito whined petulantly, settling back as Kokichi made himself at home on his chest, lightly pressed his thumb into Kokichi’s neck and shoulder muscles in what could only be called an ‘idle impulse massage’ as he used his other hands to rub Kokichi’s arm. Closing his eyes, he smirked, “Though… all that stuff you said at the end? I know it was serious and not an easy thing to go through, but… damn. Had me all goo’ey. You sure know how to flatter a guy.”

Kokichi let out a few relaxed sighs as Kaito started coaxing his muscles to chill out. There weren’t always things Kokichi could do about his various ails, but not having a tension headache in ages was one of the peak benefits that came along with having Kaito as a partner. 

“S’not flattery,” Kokichi bluntly hummed. “It’s how I feel. It’s easier since we share a room and see each other everyday, but…I think about you everyday. Even when you’re not here. I constantly see and hear things and think about if you’d get a kick out of it, or I wonder about your opinions, or…I just wonder how your day’s been. I mean it…you’re everything to me.”

“...Maki-chan and I talked about the concept of soulmates, once, and…I agree with her that people are whole on their own. No one needs another person to make them complete. But…” Kokichi pressed a soft, low-effort kiss against Kaito’s collarbone. “...you really feel like my other half. Or other third, with Shuu-chan too. Or fourth, if we’re talking about relationships in general… I feel more than the sum of my parts when I’m with you.”

“I understand that,” Kaito murmured, feeling pretty sleepy himself, honestly, already feeling his body fighting him as he was laying down. He wasn’t quite ready to fall asleep yet, though, not till Kokichi was out, so Kaito valiantly fought it as he yawned, “I feel the same way. There’s something comforting in knowing that any of us could move on without the others… cause I know we could. Shuichi, after…”

Kaito opened his eyes, looking confused, “...the therapy session a few days ago? God, this week feels like it's taken ages. But Shuichi had this conversation after that therapy session with me, telling me he was sorry if he made me feel like I was ‘lesser’ or ‘replaceable’, but… I’m really not the jealous type. I like the idea that all the people I love have their own lives, that you guys want me but don’t, like… need need me. If something were to ever happen to me, I’d want you guys to be okay, who wouldn’t want that for their loved ones?”

“But, that said? …you, Shuichi… and yeah, Maki. Sometimes I feel guilty to say that, but Maki, even with all her bullshit, means a lot to me, and… I’d be okay, someday, without you guys. Individually, all together, but… I’d be less. You guys add something to me, each of you, that I don’t know if I could define, but I know I can’t sustain without you in my life… I’d lose that part of me and I’d never get it back, and I’d grieve that lost piece forever…”

Kaito yawned again, before chuckling to himself, “I’m rambling again… your husband is a rambler… I’m just trying to say I love you too. And I’m thankful. You can’t know how thankful. You’ve done a lot to take care of me… more than most.”

That…was pretty much how Kokichi felt. They were all their own people, and…despite how utterly heartbroken he’d be, how long it would take to get him back up again…Kokichi knew he could survive without his family. He was done lying down and feeling sorry for himself--he had a full life ahead of him with too many things to do. 

But now, having known Kaito, Shuuichi, and Maki, having loved them…there was a part of him that existed only for them. A part that shined brightest when they were together. And without them…he wouldn’t be the same. And it would be glaring to Kokichi. 

The words, “I can know,’ were on the cusps of Kokichi’s lips, but instead he pressed them to Kaito’s chest, right over his heart. “You’ve taken care of me in ways I never knew I needed. And you’ve helped me learn and want to take care of myself. …I love you, Kaito. I want to take care of you, hold your hand as you live a fulfilling, happy life, filled with people who love you too. And…I know you’ll be there every step of the way for me too.”

“...we wanna be good to each other,” he quietly mumbled. “That’s what love is…”

“Hmmm~” Kaito smiled, feeling comfort and at ease, “I suppose it is… I think I’ve always felt like that, but… I don’t know if I’ve had too many relationships like that in my life. Where both people, I dunno… you’re better for them, but they’re better for you too… though, the thing that I always thought meant love was the idea that… you’d do the tough thing, for them. If they needed you too… if I needed them too.”

Kaito blinked up sadly at the ceiling, dark lines under his eyes as he mused, “After all, if it was always easy, and fun, and didn’t require anything of you… well, I mean, ideally that just means you and your loved one are going to have a good time forever, but I don’t really know if I believe relationships like that are possible. Not forever, anyway. So love is when things are hard, ya know… what you’re willing to sacrifice, to make it work. How much hardship you’re willing to endure. It’s just… part of it.”

“...I know that sometimes I gave more than I got, in my old relationships. I always thought that if I wanted them to deal with my hardships, then… I had to make extra effort to prove myself to them during theirs, you know? Cause maybe when it was their turn they’d put me first too. And usually they just… man, they’d dramatically drop the ball…”

“... and it really didn’t occur to me,” Kaito whispered, blinking sleepily, “That you were doing that. That you were putting me first… I just thought it was incidental. That you were keeping it together during all of that. That you went to talk to the police after I attacked Budd. Probably more examples that I don’t know the specifics of… I thought you just did all that stuff because you were going to do it anyway. Because it was habit, or expected of you, being an Ouma and a Dicean. That it didn’t really have anything to do with me… I’m sorry, ‘Kichi. I never gave you enough credit…”

“There’s a place for fair-weather friends… For people in your life who are just around for the easy, fun, low requirement stuff… Not everything has to be deep for it to be meaningful. Sometimes easy and fun is just what you need,” Kokichi hummed softly. He didn’t think that he, personally could do that for a romantic relationship, but…not every friendship needed to be ride or die. You didn’t need to share your deepest, most personal thoughts and secrets with anyone you wanted to have a relationship with. Sometimes…you just needed someone you could laugh and get tea with, and not have anything more than that. It didn’t mean that relationship was worth less than the deeper ones. 

The thing was, there was a place for those. It couldn’t be the only relationships you had, especially for long-term, committed romantic relationships. For one thing, every person needed someone to turn to for support, but for the person or people you’d choose to go through life with as a team? They needed to be able to complement your pace. Be able to pick you up with you stumbled, and speak up when you were moving too fast for them. There were places for fair-weather friends, but every person needed a deep connection. 

“...love is in the good and the bad,” Kokichi nodded against his husband. “Working when there’s crisis, enjoying when there’s light… Living for more than just yourself.”

He sighed softly. “...I’d like to think I’d help my friends out when they’re in trouble. But…everything I did like that…I didn’t do it because you’re a person, and I have a desire and obligation to help people. I trust our justice system…you would be given proper rights in it.”

“But everything I did…I did because you’re Kai-chan. And you’re important to me. I negotiated your verdict because I believe in you…that’s what a character witness is, after all.”

“You,” Kaito smiled, kissing Kokichi’s head, each kissing emphasizing a point as he continued, “give you Kai-chan too many chances. He’s a big, dumb brute who needs to be put in his place sometimes, and his ‘Kichi spoils him terribly… but I appreciate your faith in me, beautiful. And I appreciate that you did the hard things for me.”

“I want to always do the same for you.” Kaito sighed, having long given up trying to keep his eyes open now, just enjoying the scent of Kokichi more than anything as he held him, “To do the hard thing for you. To not give up, or buckle, not when you need me… I know I don’t always succeed. That I’ve let you down a lot in this last year. In big and small ways… but I always want to keep trying. To be better. For you. There’s a lot of things I’d do for just anyone. A lot of people just need a friendly ear or someone to, heh, pick up something heavy for them. Some of those people end up needing a little more, advise, a good word, maybe me glaring in the right direction till some other bastard goes away. I don’t mind doing that either, if we’re friendly.”

“...but for my ‘Kichi? For my handsome Shuichi and my, heh, both steadfast and wild Maki? For my children?” Kaito sighed, “Anything. Anything for you. If you need something and I can’t give it to you, it’s only because I failed. It’s not because I didn’t want to. Anything for you…”

Kokichi smiled, his eyes gently burning again, though he wasn’t entirely sure if it was because he’d delayed sleep so long, too entranced talking with his husband, or his emotions overflowing yet again. He liked to believe it was the latter, since that’s certainly how he felt. 

Nuzzling close, Kokichi tightened his hold on Kaito for a moment before relaxing again. “I’d give you all the world, if I could… You’re all my world already…”

“...I can’t wait to shoot past 80 with you. A life with Kai-chan sounds like the best life I could imagine…”

“It’s gonna be, beautiful.” Kaito whispered sleepily, “I promise. It’s gonna be so worth it… you’re so worth it…”

Kaito failed his goal, which was to wait for Kokichi to fall asleep first. His breathing steadied, lost to the quiet insistence of his mind, pulling him to sleep. His head dipped low to rest against the top of Kokichi’s head, arms wrapped loosely around him. Entirely at ease.

-

Miyako was suckling on her hand, and while that had been okay for awhile, it was slowly but surely becoming not enough, as she looked around.

Colors and shapes were coming in brighter and she was starting to recognize patterns, at least a little, in the environment around her. Not everything was obvious as temperature, which she was very good at recognizing, but she was getting to the point where she could recognize that Big Heat, Soft Heat, Food Smell and Dragon all had faces associated with them. And usually, those faces were the most interesting thing going on in Miya’s world, fascinating as they made noise and looked at her and changed and shifted rapidly, second by second. Excellent entertainment, 10/10 presentation, Miyako favorite show, her parents faces.

And none of them were here, in this strange new environment, and Miyako was finding herself getting frustrated. 

Kicking her feet while she suckled her hand, Miyako made a cursory attempt to actually, physically look around, before doing the thing that felt more natural to her and usually had quicker results: she ‘felt’ out for them.

It took a second, but for a two month old? Holy shit.

Food Smell and Dragon were further away, but together. They were awake. It was trickier when they were awake, so Miyako quickly moved on, letting out a frustrated little ‘huff’ sound though. There was Soft Heat… he was asleep, so that was good. But as gentle and loving and comforting as Soft Heat could be, Miyako had quickly decided which of the parents she preferred when it came to ‘interesting’ and ‘fun’... where was…

Miyako gave a happy little wiggle. There.

-

Saint Madison, arms crossed, tapping her foot impatiently, dogs on either side of her, frowned in uneasy frustration, before saying again, “I am ordering you to leave.”

Miyako looked non-plussed at this, contently letting Kaito continue to play with her feet.

“Are you gonna be like daddy, baby?” Kaito coo’d, moving one leg up and one leg down, like Miyako was doing some sort of split as he said, “An acrobat? Walking the tight rope? Oooooor~ are you gonna be like dad? A~” he kicked her feet out in a fan, Miyako wiggling excitedly at this, “~a dancer? I can dance, baby~ Isn’t that cool? I’ll teach you to dance too.”

“You cannot stay here. I know you understand me, Miyako. Go back to your own brain.”

“Orrrr maybe you’ll be a swimmer? We have a friend named Yuta, he’s a great swimmer, he can teach you. Hina too, thinking about it, she’s apparently a really good swimmer too. Do you wanna be a…” Kaito looked around in surprise, Miyako now at the beach with him again, kicking her feet happily in the water, “... swimmer? Do you wanna be a swimmer? My little sea girl?”

“Do not make me call your father. The little one. I will call him, young lady, don’t think I won’t.”

Miyako contently continued to ignore the defense, playing in the water with dad.

“I warned you.” Madison muttered.

{Kokichi. Come get your kid.}

Kokichi sighed softly, confident he wouldn’t be taken underground by vines this time. So, it had already started. He knew she was a special circumstance, but…two months? He had a feeling he’d be lucky if he could convince her to stop doing this in three years. 

Crouching down beside Kaito, Kokichi gave Miyako the lightest admonishing look the world had ever seen. “Miya-Miya. You’re not supposed to be here--Dad needs his rest.” Kokichi nudged Kaito fondly. “Do you miss us? Grampy will bring you back to our room if you get his attention. With words,” he stressed, not wanting to encourage Miyako to prod the brain of anyone she wanted to contact. 

Looking up at Madison, Kokichi’s expression was a little more serious. “...did she just show up here? In Kai-chan’s dream, directly?”

“Yep.” Saint Madison sighed, Kaito glancing at Kokichi for a moment at the nudge, but not really seeing him, or registering he was there, before turning back to Miya. “She’s tried this before, but she’s not strong enough to overpower other dreams, not yet, so when she saw how busy it was she left about a second later. But Kaito wasn’t dreaming this time, so she just slipped in and started a dream herself.”

Miyako, in turn, was looking up at Kokichi… and her face was puckering up. Brow furrowed, just… outraged. She already had what she wanted. Why do something different?

“Miyaaaa~,” Kaito gave his daughter a concerned look, knowing an angry baby when he saw her, “What’s the matter? Do we not want the beach anymore? Do you need a poop?”

-

In the nursery, Miyako let out an offended, wet little whimper.

-

“Terrible twos at two months…” Kokichi sighed. “No time like the present to start trying things out, I guess…”

…but how the heck was he supposed to explain things like compassion for others and the importance of privacy to a two month old? He couldn’t just ask her to be mature--she was a literal baby! But…he couldn’t just let her roam into minds all willy nilly. 

“Miya…” Kokichi soothed, reaching out to stroke her forehead--calming the ‘third eye’ some books called it, others said activating the pineal gland and promoting production of melatonin.

-

Looking up from his knitting, Ikuo went over to Miyako’s side, looking over her. “G’mornin’, Li’l Miss. Let’s see whatcha need, mm? Yer pas’r real tired--let’s see if we can let ‘em snooze a li’l longer. Bathroom break ‘r hunger, les’see…”

-

…ideally, he could convince her to go back to herself. But…his first impulse after that was…to offer up his own mind for her to spend time in. …was he just trying to take on things by himself again, though? Taking on hardships for Kaito? But…he wasn’t even aware of all this, and it was much more dangerous for Miyako to become more casual with invading Kaito’s mind than it was Kokichi’s…

Miyako sniffled, wide, wet eyes looking around in frustration…

-

Miyako whimpered wetly, giving Ikou an incredulous look, as she complained to him ‘Can you believe what my daddy wants me to do? I was just having fun in the water with dad, and he came in and just RUINED everything, for, like, no reason?? Like no reason at all, he’s just the worst, totally evil, entirely unreasonable and maybe a little stupid? And, and, and–!’

But what she actually sent out was a whined, {BORED!}, whimpering like it was the end of the world as she clutched at her blanket.

Ikuo blinked before he sighed. So it was. 

Nodding in sympathy, he hummed for a moment. “...yer world’s prolly more interestin’ than here… Dunno if you can see it yet, but…” Looking around, Ikuo scooped Miyako up, first heading over to the window to open the curtains more, before he headed over to a particular spot in the room, the place they had decided to put her crib when they moved it in there. And, hanging from the ceiling was the cactus flower mobile, the thin, glossy, glass-like plastic already illuminated by the sunlight.

However, Ikuo carefully reached up and nudged one of the lower dangling edges. And the mobile began to lazily spin, casting soft, colored light to dance across the ceiling. Holding her under it, Ikuo thought he’d at least try this before heading back to his sons’ bedroom. “Whaddya think, Lamb?”

-

Biting his lip, Kokichi figured they’d just have to discuss how they wanted to deal with this once he got his memories back. Slowly, he coaxed the water to form little bubbles, sending them to drift across Miyako’s line of sight. “Miya? How about we go have fun and do this in your mind? Then Dad can play with you in person later?”

-

Miya blinked, eyes focusing on the new thing. Confused… the heck was that…

-

Miya took a few more heavy breaths, eyes wet and still looking like she wasn’t sure if she was going to scream or not… but her attention was divided in two places and that was… kinda hard to keep up with…

Bubbles or spinny thing…

She hiccuped a little… before she supposed that the suggestion to be one place made sense. At least then she could focus. Besides, it was hard not to watch the gentle spin of the new thing in her body.

That decided, she was gone.

Kaito stared at where Miyako had been, kicking in the water, and said, “M… Miyako?” Before looking around, eyes widening in alarm, “Miyako?!”

Kokichi let out a little sigh of relief, glad he’d been able to convince his daughter to go. It wouldn’t always be this easy. There were going to be times when the overpowering ruler of “WANT” wasn’t going to be persuaded away with some bubbles and a promise of company. But…for round one, he’d succeeded. 

As Kaito started to panic, Kokichi’s lips thinned before he sent Saint Madison a slightly pleading look. With the same ease he’d made the bubbles--Kaito’s dreams were a breath of fresh air to work within the confines of--Kokichi made a dream Miyako to replace where the real one had been, leaning over to rub Kaito’s back. “She’s right here, no need to worry. You keep our daughter safe and happy.”

And entertained, if Kaito had been Miyako’s first choice to go to. 

Miyako, now looking considerably less angry, ‘reappeared’, and Kaito gave her a worried look as he picked her up… before dream logic and Kokichi’s soothing smoothed over the last moment of memories, Kaito grinning at the baby and saying, “Wanna go see Koh? Let’s go see Koh, sweetbun, go pet the horsey. Come on now~”

Saint Madison sighed, rubbing her forehead as she said, “Do you want stress dreams? Disappearing babies is how you get stress dreams. We finally get a night where he’s not dreaming at all, and of course that’s the night his whole family decides to pop by and pay a visit.” The saint huffed, shaking her head disapprovingly,

Kokichi sighed as well and looked at the warrior sheepishly. “I wasn’t sure she’d leave so easily…and making a copy of her before she left probably…could’ve gone poorly in a few ways.” Miyako taking it as proof that her dad wanted her there, and refusing to go; getting jealous that a fake Miyako got to have Dad-Time, and throwing a fit… “That she didn’t wake him up in a panic of ‘my daughter is upset’ is a win I’ll take.”

“At least one of us will get this nap…” Kokichi shook his head, though before he prepared to go, he gave Saint Madison a more serious look. “...she’s a baby. She’s…pretty much going to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and there’s not going to be a lot of reasoning able to dissuade her. And I’m not going to use force against my daughter.”

“...let me know if she shows up again. It should be easier to convince her out as she gets older.”

“I will… now, I’m sure you were busy yourself.” Saint Madison gave Kokichi a wary look, the earth starting to shift beneath Kokichi’s feet as vines began to grow, “Don’t let me keep you.”

Kokichi snorted and gave Saint Madison a wave, a portal opening up in front of him. “Have a good night, Saint Madison. I hope Kai-chan’s dream is nice.”

Now to go fulfill his promise.

-

An infant’s mind was bizarre, beyond what minds could be in general. But almost immediately upon landing, Kokichi got the sense he wasn’t needed. He was so grateful for his dad…

-

Miyako, in the real world, having already long forgotten her oncoming tantrum, was staring in fascination at the lights on the ceiling… before starting to wiggle excitedly. Kicking her legs enthusiastically.

-

In the void that Kokichi had touched on, there were light, pastel colored clouds, drifting like solid sunbeams through the air. 

At Kokichi’s feet was Miyako, idly watching the colorful lights as they floated past, hovering in the air. She glanced between the clouds, to Kokichi, to the clouds again. Wide-eyed and fascinated.

(In the distance, sometimes unseen, but always there, was the mountain.)

…well, she’d probably be upset if he left now. Let it be known, Kokichi would be sure to remind his daughter when she was older, that even from the start he fulfilled his promises to her. 

Lying down in the void beside her, Kokichi faced up towards the cloud-lights, letting his presence mingle and hopefully be a source of comfort for his daughter. “This is nice, isn’t it, Miya-Miya? Grampy’s taking real good care of you. Your dads had a long day today… We talked about a lot of stuff I hope you’ll never understand personally. A happy life among these bright clouds…it’d be nice, right?”

-

Miyako wiggled happily some more, though her eyes were starting to blink sleepily. Daddy had that effect on her. Gentle Heat always had a calming effect. Like everything was okay…

-

Miyako did a small little baby yawn, not really understanding Kokichi’s question, but echoing back to him the feeling.

{nice}

-

Ikuo had had to carefully broaden his hold on Miyako as she started wiggling, but as she seemed to calm right after… Bunny was getting up to something, wasn’t he. He’d check in on Kokichi after, see if he’d actually gotten enough rest, but Ikuo knew there wasn’t much he could say to deter a father from looking after his daughter if she was starting to get upset enough to alert him. Could be something to talk about later, when they started encouraging more independence from Miyako, but for now? Ikuo would take not having to wake the princes up. 

Rocking her gently under the lights from the mobile and sun, Ikuo hoped he was helping Miya along back to sleep.

-

Grinning Kokichi looked over to his daughter, gently putting an arm around her and kissing her forehead, germs not an issue in the mindscape. “I love you, Mi-Mi. Let’s watch these clouds together for a little longer…”

…then he’d go back to sleep himself. Not too much time taken away from the rest he needed.

-

After a day worth of looking into it, Maki and Shuichi’s recommendations were this.

• Pick one social place to be with him and don’t go anywhere else.

• Bring a weapon.

• He has weak wrists.

“Okay, but… like, non-fighting wise… weak wrists?” Kaito had asked, caught up on that one.

“And weak knees and ankles. Probably from a long bout of malnutrition. Broken wrists will make him harmless without severely impacting the rest of his life though, so that’s why I recommended wrists.” Maki explained.

“I… okay.” Kaito nodded, “What else?”

“He’s new to the country, claims to be a Luminary refugee, is still doing the paperwork of finizaling his citizenship.” Shuichi continued, “So we already know he lies.”

“Why’s he a liar?”

“Cause he’s already found work as a repair mechanic for a greenhouse, and according to his co-workers he’s a natural with the plantlife, never needs to be corrected on what plants need what water or sun outputs.” Shuichi explained.

“Also his accent is all wrong. Not Dicean, but not Luminary either.” Maki said.

“Ah,” Kaito nodded, “Right. Okay. Could still just be an unusual circumstance, it doesn’t necessarily make him a liar. But I’ll keep it in mind that he might be a dude with something to hide. Anything else?”

“I’m really curious if the pink hair is natural.” Maki said.

“Ask him if the carpet matches the curtains.” Shuichi agreed.

“It’s vital.”

“We have a bet on it.”

“Got it.” Kaito agreed.

And now they were at a pub, Kaito and Kokichi quietly negotiating with each other how much they were drinking and how long they were staying, waiting for Souda to arrive.

Kokichi hadn’t brought a weapon, but they had decided that Kaito being there was enough of one. And Nazumi was there as well, keeping to non-alcoholic drinks and sitting at a far part of the bar, chatting with a few folks involved with the community garden she was on good terms with. Plenty of safety nets in place. 

Even so, Kokichi didn’t want to just go wild. 

“...I’m kind of intrigued by the Tasty Tankard dessert shot,” Kokichi hummed. “It doesn’t seem like it has anything too intense, and it’s just a shot… But, like…is that a weird thing to get when you’re meeting with something? I’d probably get a water or a non-alcoholic drink too so it’s not just…awkward.”

“I mean, if you want to get it and drink it before he gets here? I’m not gonna judge you for it.” Kaito shrugged, honestly not sure what the vibe of this meeting was going to be. Were they just… hanging out? Did Souda need something from him? Was this all going to lead to vague threats and odd, ham-fisted conspiracies? Hell if he knew. “It does sound like a tasty shot, either way. I’m just looking at the ale, like…”

Kaito sighed, chuckling to himself, “I know it’s not going to taste like the ale I’m expecting. I already know that. But man am I craving ale. Like, I wanna order it cause, like… maybe. Ya know? But it won’t be. Setting myself up for disappointment… wines a weird vibe though, don’t ya think? We’d be a couple of weirdos, you with your shot and me with wine.” 

“Maybe…” Kokichi hummed. He might just go for it--it wasn’t often he’d find himself in a pub these days, and he’d already decided he wasn’t going to have any alcohol during Zenith. …not that the rum or schnapps was really what enticed him to the shot. 

Still, whatever this was going to be like…it felt awkward to hang out in a pub and not drink something, even if you were just having water. Pubs and bars didn’t have a ‘drink to sit’ policy, trying not to encourage peer pressure drinking, but…it was still the vibe!

Laughing softly, Kokichi nudged his husband’s arm gently. “I mean, that would just be true to us, you know? Just accurate.”

“...you could try a mojito or a julippe if you wanna try a different drink, though,” Kokichi added after a moment. “I know my sister enjoys those, if she’s gonna go to a place to enjoy a drink.” Which…wasn’t often either, considering her job and the close eye that had been on Nazumi for a long time. And considering that Lake spent most of her times drinking squirreling away a bottle of something to sneak with Kokichi, or getting a round of ale with other guards… But she had mentioned enjoying the simple cocktails if she was going to get something more purposeful.

Kaito had been looking at the ‘Sunrise’ cocktail, thinking that it reminded him of Kokichi a bit, though the ingredients were probably a little too strong for his tiny husband… before looking to Mojito at Kokichi’s recommendation. “Huh… that looks alright. Just a bit of white rum with, like… stuff. Doesn’t seem bad… oh, oh. Him.” Kaito suddenly whispered, pointing to the door, “See him? Bold pink hair, jumpsuit? That’s the guy.”

And as Souda looked around, letting the door close behind him, Kaito caught his eyes and gave him a grin and a wave, inviting him over.

Idly, Souda ran his tongue lightly over one of his many sharp teeth… before heading over. Hands in his pockets, Souda looked at the table and then glanced between the two men, before giving an uneasy smile to the two of them. “Ah, you guys weren’t waiting on me to order, were you? I figure’d you’d have settled in by the time I got here.”

“Don’t worry, you weren’t keeping us. Kokichi and I were just taking our time. Kokichi,” Kaito stood up, gesturing to Souda and bowing his head slightly, “This is Souda. Souda, Prince Kokichi.” Kaito finished, sitting back down.

Kokichi looked up at Kaito’s indication and…yeah, there was no missing this guy. Even if Shuuichi hadn’t given them the intel that he’d just moved to town, Kokichi would’ve assumed it just by the sheer fact that he would’ve recognized Souda even just passing by in a crowd. There were plenty of people in the city with…unique and personal styles, but Souda’s was definitely bold. 

Waving enthusiastically as Kaito introduced them, Kokichi grinned up at Souda. “It’s nice to meet you! I’m glad you didn’t mind me tagging along--I wanted to thank you in person for the wrist fan you gave Kai-chan. It super came in handy while the heatwave was going on…and it’s still pretty dandy in the regular summer weather,” he chuckled. 

“I think I’ve decided on what I want, but Kai-chan was still looking. I can go order for all of us when you’re ready too, if you’d like?”

“Sure!” Souda said, starting to grin more confidently as he sat down, taking one of the menus and giving it a cursory glance, and then glancing at Kaito… before saying, as if he was ‘unwittingly’ talking aloud to himself, “Now, man, what’s the hardest thing they got on here… don’t like to waste my time with that weak shit, ya know what I mean?” Souda said, smirking knowingly at Kaito.

Kaito, who had been chewing his lip a little at the menu, said, “Straight white rum’s actually probably a little strong, when you think about it… it’s probably gonna be a small glass, right? Maybe I should get some juice to go with it just to have something in my hand tonight.”

“...” Souda looked a little taken off guard by that, and recalibrated, focusing on Kokichi as he said, “And, the hand-fan helped you out, huh? Good! Glad to hear it. It’s an easy thing to put together, I have more at home, so it wasn’t a big loss to gift it to you guys. God, that day was a scorcher, wasn’t it? I thought I knew what a hot day was like, but that still sucked.”

…huh. They had acknowledged that it could be a coincidence, but if Shuuichi’s original hypothesis was right and Souda wasn’t actually from Luminary…hm. Knowing at least something of Kaito’s reputation, but not enough to know how it’d changed over the past year. He had recognized Kaito initially…

That’d be a little embarrassing, if Souda had asked to hang out, wanting more of a party of a time and thinking asking Kaito would be the way to go. 

Rubbing Kaito’s back fondly as he muddled over the menu, Kokichi snorted and rolled his eyes a little. “Right? I’ve been used to the terror days of Dicean summers forever, but they’re still nightmarish. Since we had such a long wave at the start of the summer, though, we might be able to be spared another in late summer. Might get to have some cool thunderstorms instead, though.”

“...and that’s nuts,” Kokichi huffed lightheartedly, leaning forward over the table a little towards Souda. “Kai-chan said you were super humble over it, but, dude, your work’s incredible! Ingenious! I don’t think I’ve seen anyone think to use a motor like that, let alone for, like, a handy personal item that’s still light and comfortable enough to wear around. Give yourself some credit! It’s cool!”

“Aw, heh, well…” Souda shrugged, looking a little pleased, razor sharp teeth somehow smoothly slotting together as he smiled widely back at Kokichi, “Don’t get me wrong, I can put some cool things together! But it’s not being humble to say that one wasn’t a big deal, it’s just… accurate. It’s, like, whatever, ya know?”

“Like, toooootally.” Kaito said, his tone vaguely distracted, before saying, “Yeah, a mojito, juice, uh, cranberry if they got it babe, anything else if not, and… you guys feeling food today?”

“Oh! You know what I could go for? You guys want to share a bowl of spicy hot wings?” Souda asked, lighting up, snickering as he said, “I hear some great things about Diceans hot spices and I’ve been waiting for a good chance to try them out! Really challenge myself, ya know, see how much I can take! You guys in?!”

“Oh, uh… nah, that’s alright. I mean, you and Kokichi can, of course, but I’d probably just make myself sick on that.” Kaito said.

Souda’s face fell a little, looking more uncertain. “Oh, yeah, uh… okay. Kokichi? Little man! You up for the challenge with me?” Souda asked, reaching out to beckon Kokichi into a high five, smiling brightly, still all sharp teeth.

That the fan was something small for the inventor… Kokichi had been right. Now to find a good way to bring up Miu…without turning this into a whole ‘talent-snatch’ meeting. He could wait until they’d gotten their drinks, at least. 

Nodding at Kaito’s order, Kokichi gave his husband a half-amused look at how distracted he’d been, before…noting another interesting thing about their new acquaintance. He wasn’t trying to hide that he was foreign, so at least that gave Kokichi an opportunity to not have to pretend the whole time that they didn’t know he was, but also…

This had the marks of someone new in town trying to make friends all over it. A little bold and interesting to invite Kaito initially for that purpose, but…maybe that’s just the kind of person Souda was. 

Well, they’d just talked about trying to make new friends. Someone already interested was a great opportunity to get to know someone new.

Giggling, Kokichi stood up a little to be able to reach Souda’s high five--though it wasn’t like the guy was a giant himself, probably even a little shorter than Shuuichi--before giving him a confident grin. “Heck yeah, let’s try it! Something like this would probably give you a more reasonable gauge about what the Dicean pepper scene is like, than if you went straight for the top.”

Giving Souda a cheeky grin, Kokichi explained, “Most restaurants won’t carry the super intense stuff, you know? Especially since the people super into the spice scene are, like, doin’ mad scientist botany stuff in personal gardens. But if you’re from out of town like this guy,” Kokichi fondly nudged Kaito, “Then starting out with something with a reasonable kick should still send ya cryin’.”

“Still,” Kokichi calmed a little, “I’ll pick us up some pretzel knots too, to balance it out. If you’re not used to it, I’d hate to encourage you right into a stomachache when we’ve first met.”

“...if you don’t mind my asking, where are you from, then? If you’re curious about Dicean cuisine.”

“Karneriegn,” Souda said simply, looking over the menu again, “It’s the Danganronpa trading post at the Luminary border–”

Kaito relaxed, “Oh… okay. You know, I thought you sounded like a Ronpan. That would make sense, I know Karneriegn, it’s a big import city that’s half populated by Ronpan’s on any given day, it’s got the base there.”

“Mmmhm.” Souda said, “That’s the one.”

“You know, once upon a time, I could have lived there myself? There was talk that I was going to be stationed there for my first tour.” Kaito said, grinning, delighted to have found such an odd connection with the pink haired man, “I was really close to finishing my schooling for an officer track, and we were discussing contracts and Karneriegn was looking really likely. I would have been assisting at the Danganronpa base there.”

“Yeah, that whole town is pretty heavily Danganronpa themed. It’s great tourism for anyon who doesn’t wanna do all that paperwork getting across the border, right?” Souda smirked, shrugging, “But yeah, if you’re hearing their accent on me? That’s what’s up. It’s hard not to pick up on it there, ya know?”

“Also, I’ve decided! Get me a Firecracker! Here, this the kinda place they make you pay up front? Let me get ya some copper.” Souda said, digging into his pockets.

Kokichi’s lips made a little ‘o’ shape as Kaito and Souda talked about Karneriegn, soaking up the worldly information with a curious, attentive gaze. Import towns were cool. Sure, Usott had a pretty thriving import market, but it was nothing like the actual trading towns. The ultimate hotspots for traveling merchants and people negotiating international business deals that weren’t government-handled, and, often, like it apparently was for Karneriegn too, ultimate hubs of culture trade too. Rifia up north was the same deal, as close as someone could get to Danganronpa without leaving Dicea.

He wasn’t really sure why Souda was lying about living there, but Kokichi wasn’t one to pry when someone didn’t want to talk about where they’d immigrated from. And other people weren’t either. 

“Wow… A trading town… Usott is probably a big change, huh?” Kokichi gave Souda a kind grin as he got up, nodding at his drink decision and waving off his attempt to pull out money. “Got it, a Firecracker, a mojito, cranberry juice, a Tasty Tankard shot, spicy wings, and pretzel knots… I’ll probably ask for a water pitcher too. You two don’t hold up on my account, alright? I’ll be back in a ‘mo.”

“Thanks, ‘Kichi.” Kaito said, giving his husband a thankful grin and taking a moment to watch Kokichi walk away… thank goodness for summer-wear… before looking back to Souda. 

… right. Okay. Massaging his knuckles a little, Kaito asked, “So… was the big move recent, or…”

“Left to escape the famine.” Souda explained easily, looking unbothered about it as he said, “Well, ‘food shortage’, they’re calling it. Sure looks like a famine. The capital losing all its food all at once has been tightening everyone’s belts, even those of us at the coast. And, being someone without any family or responsibilities, I figured, well, Dicean borders open. Time to get up and see new things. Started traveling the day after the shortage started, never looked back.”

Kaito rubbed the back of his neck, “Makes sense… was it bad, then?”

“What?” Souda asked, briefly looking confused, “The journey? Nah, not really.”

“No, I mean the famine.”

“Oh…” Souda shrugged, “It’s a food shortage, ya know? Stressful, you can imagine. Though I didn’t see too much of it myself, I got over the border pretty quickly.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.” Kaito mused. 

Souda considered Kaito a moment… before pointing out, “Uh, hey, you want to be here, right?”

“What?”

“I dunno, man, you got a… aloof thing going on.” Souda said, waving his hand vaguely, “Was there something else you needed to be doing right now? Like, you’re not gonna break my heart if you have something else you’d rather be doing.”

“No, no, no, sorry.” Kaito grinned waily, “I… wow, sorry. I’m just new dad tired. Me and Kokichi don’t get out much anymore, but, no! Thanks again for inviting us out, sorry I’m not, like… buzzing or anything.”

Briefly, there was a bit of laughter over by the bar, but it had quieted down by the time Kokichi returned, carefully holding a tray filled with drinks. And while it wasn’t taking all his concentration to bring everything over without spilling, there was still a light blush present on his cheeks as he set the tray on the table. “The food’s still gonna take a sec, but…here’s our drinks! And they did have cranberry juice, hun.”

Quickly dividing up the glasses, Kokichi slipped away for a quick moment to return the tray before he came back to his spot next to Kaito, eagerly regarding the dessertiest of dessert shots he’d ever seen.

“Thank you, beautiful.” Kaito said, taking his drinks and, taking a slight sip of his mojito, admiring the pretty blush on Kokichi’s face… before his eyes widened suddenly and he slammed his drink down. “Ohmygoddidyougethiton??”

While Kokichi had been calming down, enraptured by the glory of sweets, his blush lit up more in the face of Kaito’s excitement. “U-uh, no, well, I mean…sort of?”

Rubbing the back of his neck, Kokichi glanced between Kaito and Souda, looking a little sheepish. “I, uh… I got carded. But before I could explain, this guy at the bar, um… Well. He did vouch for my age. Along with some other stuff. But it all got cleared up. ‘S just a little embarrassing…”

Looking more to Souda to explain, Kokichi held up his left hand. “Not a ton of people don’t know I’m married, if they recognize me at all. Kinda rare to get something like that, these days…”

“Ha, yeah, I imagine it’s hard for someone like you to keep a low profile. Especially, like, wasn’t your wedding some sort of big event? I saw pamphlets about it everywhere, I think I literally used one as a napkin at one point. Not in, like, a disrespectful way! It was just there and I had food on my face–”

“It’s good, you’re fine, ‘Kiiiichiiiii I need the stoooorryyyyy.” Kaito whined, clutching at his drink with both hands and looking like a kid on christmas morning as he said, “What happened, what did he say? Did he mention the shorts? Those shorts do amazing things for your legs, beautiful, I bet he was looking at the shorts!”

Kokichi nodded a bit to Souda, confirming the significance their wedding had, and that he didn’t mind whatever people chose to do with the pamphlets, before lighting up even more at Kaito’s fervor. Looking down, Kokichi frowned at his shorts. “Shuu-chan said these were nice…”

Sighing, Kokichi poured himself a glass of water and sulked behind it, not…really wanting to tell the story. “...basically said that I was definitely an adult but wouldn’t mind if I wanted to call him ‘daddy’ tonight…” he mumbled. “But one of the aunties at the bar said that she’d castrate him jus’ to save the pain of what my partners’d do to him, but that she’d had to give up knitting ‘cause grabbin’ needles was too difficult. And folks got a kick out of that, so.”

He shrugged a bit. “Got the food for free out of it.”

Kaito’s face lit up red, while Souda suddenly cackled.

“Holy shit what a line!” Souda cackled, trying to take a hard swig of his drink and sputtering, caught off guard by how strong it was. Coughing, he thumped his chest, though was still snickering as he said, “Both of them, honestly. Some auntie out there defending your man, big guy.” 

“Try not to choke on your drink there,” Kaito huffed, face still lit up, a weird sort of loopy grin on his face, like he was smiling but wasn’t entirely certain if he should be, giving Kokichi his best attempt at a concerned look as he said, “You good, beautiful? Did he freak you out? Who was it?” Kaito asked, looking around with open curiosity.

Kokichi had already had to wave Nazumi off of giving the guy a talk, and the other aunties had joked it off--it really wasn’t a big deal. Just…

Giving Kaito a softer smile, Kokichi shrugged again. “It’s just a little embarrassing. And don’t worry about it--he was just one of those types that hit on any pretty face that comes up to the bar. Been a while since something like that happened, so it kinda caught me off guard. Though the auntie fired back better than I prolly could’ve.”

Taking the time then, Kokichi lifted his shot, giving it one last admiring look before taking a sip, a much more delighted look lighting up his face as he did. It really was just like a…chocolatey, coconutty, butterscotchy milkshake.

“Wouldn’t wanna give ya the wrong idea, Souda,” Kokichi kindly smiled. “Harassment isn’t, like, the norm. But…people can’t get a little…feisty.”

…honestly, Kaito had just been curious if the guy was hot or not. 

But! He would not say that! He knew this sorta thing made Kokichi super uncomfortable, so! He was not going to try and check out the guy who hit on his husband and see if he was worth a head turn! Not gonna be weird around his sex-shy husband! 

Besides, seeing Kokichi light up at his drink was cute. Much more fun than sizing up the other patrons. 

Souda, in turn, snorted a little, reaching out to grab a napkin off the table and dab at his neck a bit, having accidentally couched some Firecracker on himself a little and sipping more tamely at his drink as he said, “Well, so long as fighter-aunts are around, I think I’ll be okay. I haven’t been hit on once since I left Luminary, and honestly, it’s kinda refreshing. People usually love all the pink, ya know? But it doesn’t have the same effect here that it did back home. Way less come-ons.”

“Ha,” Kaito grinned, giving Souda a newly appreciative look, “Same, honestly? I’ve been hit on a few times since I got here, but, like, not ever really in a non-creepy way here. But I think that’s more this little guys fault than anything,” Kaito said, lifting his hand and shifting his wedding ring a little, “Only the creeps flirt when you’re wearing one of these… and are, like, super publicly married in a big event. Ah well… but yeah, Auntie’s right, babe. Want me to go defend you honor and fight the big ugly mug? I’m assuming he’s ugly. And big. Just let me know, gonna–” Kaito mimicked punching in the air, “Pop, pop, pow~ tell him to back off my man!”

(...pink?)

Honestly, Kokichi was a little surprised at the pink comment; though, it was a good sway towards the color being natural, so he could report that back to Maki-chan and Shuu-chan. It wasn’t like it was a super uncommon color--Waku had pink hair, Dr. Tenchi had pink hair, and the depictions Kokichi had been able to find of his grandfather showed him with pink hair (even if Taitei had been a Wonderlandian), though…none of their hues were quite as bright as Souda’s, and none had hot pink eyes to match too. Maybe that was something people got a kick out of. 

Laughing a little, Kokichi shook his head. “It’s fine, hun. It’s easy to tell the difference between the folks just talkin’ big and actual creeps who ya gotta look out for. Like…the big talkers still aren’t great when I’m already in a relationship…or even really when I wasn’t, but…still. It’s alright.”

“...honestly, I think this’d be a story Shuu-chan would get a kick out of,” Kokichi smirked, “If I wasn’t half worried he’d track down everyone who came in and out of the pub in the few hours surrounding the time we’re here just to tell the guy off himself.”

“Oh, yeah, definitely don’t tell Shuichi. That guy said he wanted to lock me up in a tower and only doesn’t cause he knows I’m an attention whore, who the heck knows what he’d do to you.” Kaito joked, sipping at his mojito some more before lighting up, “Ya know, I don’t mind this? It kinda looks like a swamp, but I like the minty taste.”

“Were you being serious about that ‘locked in a tower’ thing?” Souda asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Me? Yeah. Shuichi? Who the heck knows. That guy is wild.” Kaito said fondly, “What about you, Souda? You picked up your life and moved to a new country on what sounds a little bit like your first excuse out of there. I’m guessing you’re not seeing someone.”

“Eh, that’s…” Souda shrugged, “Complicated, ya know? It’s… there was this guy I might have been seeing? Or he might have been seeing me… we never really clarified what we were. Nothing now, I guess. Can’t imagine I’ll ever see him again. But, yeah… he helped me move. Kinda got me out of a tough jam, honestly… I sorta feel like I owe him or something, but, again… don’t really know what we were to each other. If I do owe him, I don’t know what he would actually want from me… to wait for him?”

Kaito frowned at that, “Did he ask you too?”

“Nah.”

“Do you feel that way about him?”

“... No. I don’t think so.” Souda said, staring into his drink, “Too many complicated feelings from it. I don’t think I can see a version of myself with him that’d be ‘happy’, ya know.”

“Then you don’t ‘owe’ him a relationship.” Kaito said, voice stern, looking really insistent on it, “And you don’t owe him, like, ‘saving yourself’ or whatever. If he did you a good turn? Then you’re thankful and you repay him if you ever have the chance, that’s honorable. But unless you’ve sworn yourself to him and he’s depending on that? Fuck that mindset, no one calls ‘dibs’.”

“Heh. Sore point? You sound a little hot under the collar about it.” Souda observed.

“Do I? Sorry… I guess I just have some strong opinions on, like, the ‘exchange’ of people and sex and relationships… I could probably talk about it forever, honestly. Feel like I’ve been thinking about it my whole life. My opinions on it have changed a thousand times too. Which I guess is what happens when you think about something a lot.” Kaito shrugged.

“Sure that’s not just being ‘wishy washy’?”

“No, that’s whatever it is your doing to that drink. Drink it properly, putting your lips to it doesn’t count as ‘drinking’.”

“I’m drinking it! It’s just got a little more kick than I thought!” 

Kokichi snorted but hummed happily, glad Kaito had liked the drink. Sure, there was never any shame in not liking a drink you were trying for the first time, but…it was nice to find something new you liked! (...and for all their issues…Kokichi still thought his sister and his husband were remarkably alike. That of course didn’t have to transfer to tastes, but…Kokichi knew Lake would be overjoyed to have something like that in common with Kaito.)

“Yeah… Our partner is an intense guy--but the tower stuff is less ‘if not for the laws of these lands’ and more, he likes to see us happy and, yanno, respects us as people. It’s like the feeling of seeing something cute and wanting to smother it in your arms, ‘cept you obviously wouldn’t if it was, like, a kitten, you know?” Kokichi ramblingly explained, though he quieted down as Kaito asked after Souda’s love-life, expression calming into a considering, listening frown. 

That did sound complicated…but not for future actions. Just for sorting out feelings. But Souda didn’t owe that guy any sort of feelings or a relationship. 

Frown hardening for a moment, Kokichi nodded emphatically, backing up Kaito’s words before the mood lightened a little again. And while he might just be the type to drag things out, and Souda definitely was just some guy they’d just met…Kokichi was trying to be better than his silence. 

“Mm. Ya don’t owe it, and you might never see each other in person… But if it’s something you want for any reason, letters still are a good way to reach people. And, hell, they’re already talking about making ‘call centers’--public buildings where you could go to make a telephone call, kinda like how the phone room in the castle is, but, like…a building dedicated for it, and with a lot of telephones, so people don’t have to schedule things out with an operator.”

Kokichi gave a small, sheepish shrug. “I dunno if that’s something Luminary’d wanna put resources into right now, but…I really think someday it’ll be common to be able to just…casually make a phone call to whomever you want, anywhere on the continent.”

Just then, someone wearing a half apron came to their table, holding two food baskets. With a slightly adoring smile to Kokichi, and more polite looks to Kaito and Souda, they gave a nod before heading back to the kitchen behind the bar, their wings and pretzels delivered.

“Thank you, mother!” Kaito called after her, before giving the wings a slightly regretful look, grabbing one of the pretzels. “Damn, those look good. But they’re pain wings… can’t forget.”

“Pfff, come on, man, aren’t Luminary royalty supposed to be, like, the toughest of the toughest? Don’t be a wuss.” Souda taunted, reaching out… and also grabbing a pretzel, looking to Kokichi as he said, “Oh yeah, the phone line things? That’s a heck of an invention, I’d love to get my hands on a phone, pop it open and dig into it. Get my fingers in all those wires… I mean, I think I already understand what makes them tick based on description alone, but there’s nothing quite like undressing a pretty machine and seeing it for yourself, right?”

Kaito raised an eyebrow, “You’re drooling.”

“Am I?” Souda asked, absentmindedly wiping the edge of his mouth, “Heh, sorry. A good piece of equipment can get a man excited, ya know?”

“I don’t know, but I can appreciate that you do.” Kaito said, “So, do you think you’d call him if given a chance?”

“Given a chance?” Souda thought about it, “...nah. A lot more things would have to be different. But, assuming a lot of things changed? … yeah, I’d probably be up to talking to him again.”

He didn’t say anything about the idea of letters. Souda, honestly… just wanted to cut all ties with the life he had been living. He hadn’t spent so many years trying to escape Danganronpa, just to leave one foot back there. He was out. He was done with it. Well, as much as he could be done with it while still trying to be there for the kids, but… fuck, he wasn’t the paternal type. He’d be relieved when they had other adults in their lives to take care of them. He’d be relieved to move on someday. 

“Thank you!”

Kokichi eyed the wings with some odd combination of gleeful anticipation and slight resignation. No kisses for him tonight. And he’d have to make sure to not forget to eat pretzels so they didn’t screw up his stomach later. Hopefully dinner wasn’t gonna be too heavy later…if he wanted to have food later at all. It was a weird time. 

Picking up one, Kokichi bit in, immediately feeling that slight buzzing feeling on his lips and tongue. Oh yeah…these were decently spicy. Definitely not the super mild ‘spicy’ that some places had, that meant they just used, like, a habanero. But these were good… Hot and sweet and tangy. 

Definitely not something Kaito would be able to eat at all. 

But he wasn’t distracted enough to miss the way Souda talked about getting his hands on a phone, seeing how it worked. And the drool. And right then and there Kokichi realized that introducing Souda and Miu was going to personally be one of the worst decisions of his life. But the best engineering decision he could ever make. 

Such were the sacrifices of an Ouma. 

“...actually,” Kokichi started, swallowing his first wing with not much more than a mouthful of water to follow, relatively unphased by it, though he did taste the heat. “...look, if you’re not interested, I’m not gonna push it, and it’s not the only reason I wanted to meet you, alright? But I, like, personally know the inventor that headed the telephone project, and she works on a ton of other stuff too. When I saw your work on the personal fan, it really reminded me of the crazy stuff she has plans for…”

Giving Souda a tentative smile, Kokichi offered, “If you’d like, I could put the two of you in contact. She lives in Carbosi, so it’d probably be something like an introductory letter before leaving you two to it, or setting up a phone call.”

“Oh, no kidding?!” Souda asked, looking enthusiastic at the idea, “Sure! Maybe she could hook me up into one of these phone rooms! Also, I could ask her what the hell went wrong with the sizing issues? Seriously, the sheer size of the phone casings themselves, the wirings of the room, the towers? Why? Anything you can build big, you can make small, it’s literally just taking the things you know work already and minimizing, ya know?” Souda asked, rolling his eyes, “Like, at what point did she just get lazy?”

“Mmmmm, maybe don’t word it like that when you ask her.” Kaito cautioned, “She’s kinda got a… temper? Maybe? I’m honestly not sure. I sent her a letter ages ago asking to see some designs of hers, and I got a letter back during the heatwave. It was like a novella. A weird, tech-filled, angry and horny novella. I still haven't finished reading it, I got a little overwhelmed.” Kaito admitted, “But I love the idea behind it. Trains, man… if it works the way she thinks it’ll work? I think it’d literally be life-changing, for, like… kinda everyone.”

Souda’s eyes sparkled like stars, “...can I read it?”

Kaito laughed, shaking his head, “No, that’s not my specs to give away. She was doing me a favor letting me read it at all.”

“Are you a tech-head too?”

“Me? Uh, not like you guys, though I can appreciate a cool new invention. I only asked cause, eh…” Kaito shrugged, “I’m just itching my own curiosity. I have a few stupid ideas in the back of my mind, probably nothing will come of it, but…” Kaito shrugged again.

Kokichi relaxed, his smile brightening. This was the best-case scenario. Sure, there were probably a lot of engineers and inventors that would love to have someone Miu Iruma would actually listen to give a good word, but…there were some that didn’t want to associate with her at all, disavowing her genius because of her personality, even if they all used her inventions. And there were others, who while they wouldn’t object to working with the royally supported inventor, would be more suspicious about being approached by the heir apparent, not wanting to give up rights to their work (which investors rarely asked for anyway) or become more associated with national projects. 

But…Souda seemed delighted to talk about his work and have an opportunity to network. Almost…cockily delighted. 

Oh boy. 

Snorting softly, knocking back the rest of his shot, Kokichi laughed lowly. “Maybe save the ‘lazy’ comments for, like, the third back and forth. But if you can back it up, I’d say go ahead with the criticisms. Miu is…”

Kokichi sighed, shaking his head. “Miu-chan is obnoxiously proud with a brittle heart. And the biggest pervert I’ve ever met. And probably one of the most brilliant people I’ve ever met too. She’s a ton of bark, but she damn well knows what she’s talking about when it comes to tech and engineering--feel free to fight back against her, and if you know what you’re doing,” …or cruel in just the right way, “She’d prolly thank you for it. And then get really weird and horny about it. But that’s just Miu-chan.”

Pouting slightly, Kokichi nudged Kaito, giving him a firm but bright look. “You have amazing ideas, and I’m sure they’ll lead to cool shit, but even if they don’t they’ll still be worth being considered and will have led to a greater understanding and consideration of things. I know I was vouchin’ for ya, but even with my word Miu-chan wouldn’t’ve given you that in-depth of an explanation just to brag. She’s haughty, but busy--she wouldn’t waste her time if she didn’t see the value of what you were asking.”

Kaito smiled, leaning over to give Kokichi a kiss on the cheek in thanks. Souda watched all of this curiously, sipping mindlessly at his firecracker… before coughing again. Having forgotten he wasn’t drinking something normal.

Kaito raised an eyebrow at that. “You sure you don’t want to switch that out for a water or… literally anything else?”

“What?! No! I love this drink! This kinda stuff is my favorite stuff!” Souda insisted, thumping his chest, the edges of his eyes a little red from coughing. “I’m sitting here wondering why you’re sipping on mint and cranberries!”

“Oooooh, so tough~” Kaito mused, something knowing and amused in his expression as he smirked, something almost a little mean in his expression as he said, “Big words from a guy who’s letting Kokichi eat the spicy stuff alone.”

“I’m just waiting to finish my drink first!”

“What, can’t handle both at the same time? Makes sense, that’s a little too intense for anyone not used to a little bit of pain~”

“What!? I literally ordered all this stuff, you think I’m not gonna eat them!?” 

“All I see is a lot of hot air.”

Souda scowled and, staring Kaito dead in the eye, grabbed a wing and popped the whole thing in his mouth, causing Kaito to grin… and then gag as he watched Souda, the next second, take a massive swig of his Firecracker, “Oh my god, dude! No!”

“G-RK!” Souda’s face went bright red, and then so did his eyes, too shocked by the taste to even think of spitting it out as he made more overwhelmed gurgling noises… and then his face started to turn green–

“Annnnd Bathroom.” Kaito muttered, grabbing Souda and heading towards the back of the pub quickly, Souda helplessly letting himself be dragged along as some of the other patrons watched, amused.

Kokichi snorted and made a little amused noise in the back of his throat as he watched Kaito and Souda start to bicker and rile over machismo, grabbing another wing for himself. It was silly, and in another circumstance Kokichi might feel himself getting worried about Kaito so obviously goading someone on, but…it felt fun. Just…like people teasing and hanging out, and…not having to worry about hurt feelings. 

But maybe he should’ve been worried about hurt stomachs. 

Letting out a strained worried sound, Kokichi fretted for a moment as Souda shoved the wing and gulp of his drink in his mouth before pouring a glass of water and quickly following him and Kaito to the bathroom. “Holy shit, dude… Are you alright?”

They aimed for the bathroom, but Kaito saw the light on under the door, veered right, and–

In the back alley, Kaito patted Souda on the back sympathetically as he hurled into a trashcan, looking around curiously. “Ya know, usually when it gets to the ‘puking behind the pub’ stage, it’s, like… night. Weird for the sun to still be out. Can really see the trash you’re vomiting into, you know?”

“G’ro ‘uck yur’self.” Souda gurgled, before vomiting again.

“Thaaaat’s right, let it all out.” Kaito said, still idly rubbing his back. Looking to Kokichi, Kaito said, “I’ve got him, ‘Kichi. You alright being around vomit?” he asked genuinely. “You can wait inside, I’m sure we’ll be back in in just a moment.”

Kokichi sighed softly as he watched Souda hurl, hoping the guy wouldn’t have too bad a time of it when he finished getting shit out of his system. What had even been in the Firecracker? He couldn’t remember looking at it for too long in the menu, too enraptured by the dessert drinks. Whatever it was couldn’t have been helped by the wing. 

Looking up with dry amusement at his husband, Kokichi hummed, “Hun, our daughter voms on me, like, once a day. At least Souda-kun’s already over a trashcan. If there’s anything that’s bolstered me against gross stuff, it’s having a baby.”

“...plus I brought water, so you can wash your mouth out immediately, Souda.”

“Yeah, but that’s different. Our daughter vomiting is adorable.” Kaito pouted, noting that Souda was in the coughing, spitting phase and patting him in the back, “You done, my guy? You gonna pass out if I step back?”

“Shut up, I’m not drunk, I’m fine.” Souda grumbled, standing up and, looking embarrassed, taking the water from Kokichi, swishing it back, running it through his mouth, before spitting into trashcan, “Ugh, that sucked.”

“That was ballsy as hell.” Kaito laughed, patting Souda on the shoulder, the three trickling back into the dark interior of of the pub, laughing still as they sat back down, “I mean, I already thought the wings were intimidating, but when you tried to drink the firecracker at the same time? If you hadn’t vomited, I was going too. That looked terrible.”

“Ugh, it was.” Souda admitted, sticking his tongue out and giving the firecracker a distasteful look, “Fucking pepper and rum–”

“Cinnamon too.” Kaito mused, reading the ingredients off their drink menu, “Lime… can I have a sip?”

“Ugh, take it, I can’t touch that again for the rest of the night.”

Kaito took a sip… before brightening up, grinning, “That is awful. You swigged this? This is not a swigging drink, dude, don’t you drink?”

“Yes! …a lot of the drinks back home are Danganronpa style.” Souda admitted, pouting, “It’s all either really sweet wine or, like, tasteless vodka. Those guys either are nursing a drink all night, or trying to get drunk in thirty minutes. No inbetween. They had other drinks there too, obviously, but my diet and what I had access too was real limited there. Just couldn’t afford it, ya know?”

“What? And you wanna spend your new money and flex your new freedoms on this garbage? Wait here, let me get you an actual drink worth spending coin on.” Kaito huffed, getting up and heading to the bar.

Souda watched him go… before giving Kokichi a sheepish smile. “Sorry about all of that.”

…Kokichi would choose not to comment. Everything about Miyako was adorable and perfect, yes. But vomit was vomit, and vomit was gross. And on the days Kokichi was taking his second shower before noon, it was a little less than charming. 

“I’ll remember that you put your money where your mouth is,” Kokichi hummed, nodding along almost in morbid awe as Kaito laughed with comradery, the three of them walking back into the pub. He did think trying to prove you were a ‘tough guy’ by eating spicier food than you were used to and having pretty hard drinks was kinda dumb, but…if it wasn’t overcompensation, and Souda really was the kinda guy to go all in? He could respect that. 

Wrinkling his nose as they described what was actually in a Firecracker, and Kaito confirming its awfulness, Kokichi snagged a pretzel knot, munching with ever decreasing ‘ew’ factor and increasing fascination as Souda explained a little more about Karneriegn culture. Another point to put into the ‘purpose of ale and alcoholism’ model they’d talked about with Hina and Sakura. 

And as Kaito left to go treat their new acquaintance to something more delicious, Kokichi shook his head at Souda’s apology and waved him off. “Don’t worry about it, I’m just glad you’re feeling alright now. You’re kinda wild, you know? It’s cool.”

Giving Souda a sheepish look of his own, Kokichi glanced around the pub as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Stuff like…this? Like hanging out with friends at pubs and…like, clubs and stuff… It’s all kinda new to me. I didn’t really get out much like this before Kai-chan and I got married, and then, of course, we’ve just had a kid, so it’s not a regular thing now either but…” Kokichi smiled more softly, tapping the tips of his toes on the ground under the table. “It’s fun. I really like this.”

“Yeah, I knew inviting you guys as, like, new parents to something like this was maybe the wrong way to go about this, but… well, when I thought it was just Kaito? I’ve heard a lot about this guy, and I thought based on everything I knew about him, that this place would be too tame for him. Like, a good speed for someone like him who just had a kid, but still maybe playing it a little too safe?” Souda shrugged, “The guys barely touching his mint drink so far though, and he’s chasing that with freaking cranberry juice… I clearly misjudged or something.”

“But, I’m glad one of you is having a good time.” Souda grinned, giving Kokichi a pleased look as he said, “I hear great things about the Ouma, and about you in particular. I havn’t met the king personally, but the mere fact that I have to clarify that? It’s really wild. That people both can and would want to meet the king. You have a beautiful place here.”

Ah, so he’d been right. Kokichi nodded a bit, glancing over to the bar and, unknown to him, his expression immediately melting into adoring fondness once he found his husband. “Kai-chan’d be able to tell you himself, but if what you heard about him came from Luminary? It’s less a misjudgement, and more just outdated info. We don’t talk about it a ton, but he and Shuu-chan and Maki-chan talk about the, like, wild parties ‘n stuff he used to go to a lot.”

“Big change coming here, where we pretty much didn’t leave our bedroom for a month,” Kokichi sighed, though the actual regret there was pretty soothed over at the moment. 

And while he didn’t realize how his words could be taken, Kokichi did light up right after, looking at Souda with wide eyes before his smile turned bashful and he had to look away. “...that means a lot, thank you. Things in the world are…very different from what I thought. But we try our best for Dicea--in our model of leadership, all our people’s safety and happiness is the reason for being.”

Kokichi scratched his cheek a little. “...a little sappy, I guess. But I hope you find your happiness living here too.”

Okay, well… the ‘not leaving a room for a month’ after his wedding day? That did fit everything Souda had heard about him… still. Damn. The little guy had more stamina than he looked.

“It is a bit sappy, but I’m into it.” Souda snickered, “Where I came from? This is night and day. If it’s too good to be true? No one tell me. I’m enjoying myself.”

“Glad to hear it.” Kaito said, coming in from behind them and, placing his hand on Souda’s other shoulder, and leaning over (slightly too close. There was plenty of room to go in around either side of Souda, but Kaito had picked practically leaning against Souda’s back, placing a short glass cup in front of him, announcing, “Vieux Carré. Rye Whiskey, top shelf, cognac, some sweet vermouth, Bénédictine, and Peychaud's bitters. With a cherry garnish, this also isn’t a swigging drink, but for anyone whose not gulping ale like their reputation depends on it, this is the kind of drink you use to show off. Get me?”

Souda looked mildly suspicious at that, partly because he wasn’t sure how you were supposed to show off if not swigging it back, and partly because he was a little taken off guard (and flushed) to suddenly feel… literally pecks on the back-side of his neck. Holy fuck, what the hell did this guy eat? Didn’t he have kids to raise, what, did he just do pushups with them all day??

But, as he sipped at the drink uneasily… his eyes suddenly widened, “Holy shit, what is this??”

“I just told you, man.” Kaito laughed, patting his back a little before going to sit by his husband again, “Don’t worry, just remember ‘Vieux Carré’ and ‘cherry garnish’, if the bartender doesn’t know what you’re talking about, then you’re in a crap place anyway and you and your friends should go somewhere better.”

“That’s amazing…” Souda mused, sipping at it again. “Wow, it burns going down.”

“It should, there’s like three different really good liquors in that thing, if you don’t feel like you have a fire going in your stomach then you got ripped off.” Kaito huffed, sipping at his minty drink.

Hopefully things would continue to improve in Luminary (or wherever Souda was actually from) but for those who made the move, it made Kokichi proud to be part of a kingdom that felt too good to be true. A place where people could talk to their leadership and have personal involvement with the things that structured their lives. 

Giving Kaito an amused look, noting his lean into Souda’s personal space--if Kaito was getting mildly flirty, but not, like, threateningly flirty, then that was a great sign he was comfortable around Souda--Kokichi listened with interest as Kaito listed off the hyper fancy drink he’d gotten. And considering he wasn’t really sure what half the stuff in it was, it probably was super fancy. 

“I don’t get how people like that stuff,” Kokichi sighed, picking up another wing, never one to be impressed by fancy drinks of that caliber. “Though I am the person that thinks the alcohol is the worst part of any cocktail, so I’m not exactly the grand poobear when it comes to drinking.”

“...I also don’t get how having ale that’s like a meal is desirable either, so we’ll continue to disagree on that,” he shrugged at his husband.

Kaito sipped at his drink, raising an eyebrow at Kokichi. A looooooong sip…

“You ever had anything like what Souda’s sipping on, beautiful?” Kaito asked, “Or a nice, thick ale?”

Kokichi munched at his wing. “...nnnno. But alcoholic pudding doesn’t sound good if it’s not even gonna be sweet. And. Like. I’ve had tequila before. Alcohol burn is just uncomfy.”

“Tsk,” Kaito huffed, turning up his nose a bit, “You’re gonna compare tequila and rye? Let alone a Bénédictine. You’re lucky I’m already married to you, babe, else I’d be making you work way harder for it tonight.”

“Well, you haven't touched the spicy wings, right?” Souda pointed out, still happily sipping on his drink, “Do you not like spicy things?”

“...”

“But you have had it, right?”

“..........”

Kokichi just shrugged, like the tasteless heathen he was. He would stand behind not liking things, but he wasn’t going to pretend like his tastes were the ‘correct’ ones. He was the guy who’d eat pancakes for breakfast every morning if Kaito wasn’t there to give him stinkeye. 

However, he did still share some commonplace palette preferences with other Diceans. 

Giving Kaito an amused look, Kokichi leaned over the table to stage-whisper at Souda. “He doesn’t even like mild curries. We have to ask the kitchen staff to reserve some without seasoning for him and the others.” Kokichi started to grin. “Our partner, Shuu-chan, got a lot of cravings for spicy foods while he was pregnant, and while Kai-chan was a perfect doting boyfriend, he’d still sulk all the time ‘cause he can’t handle ‘spicy kisses’ even, like, hours after eating.”

“Pfff,” Souda snickered behind his hand, leaning back to stage-whisper at Kokichi as Kaito glared at both of them, “He won’t even kiss you if you’ve eaten it? Woooooow. This is the ‘The Wild Prince’ I heard so much about? That’s some weak-ass–”

Kaito, huffing, reach out, grabbed a wing, brought it to his mouth… and wavered as he smelled it. Ugh. It was so strong…

Souda leaned against his palm, smirking. “He’s not gonna do it.”

Kaito bit into the wing.

…whimper.

Kokichi snorted but sighed fondly, pouring Kaito a glass of water and nudging the basket of pretzel knots towards him. “Hun, you didn’t even season with pepper when we first met. I’m proud of how far you’ve come, you don’t need to prove anything to me. Or anyone.”

Leaning up, Kokichi placed a quick kiss on Kaito’s cheek, though he knew his husband was going to be suffering for a little bit. 

Though, he turned back to Souda next. “Actually, you only had the one you threw up. Wanna try one normally and see if it’s up your alley?” Smiling kindly, he explained, “We’ve found that there are a ton of food culture differences between Dicea and Luminary. You’ve prolly seen for yourself, and it’s prolly even different ‘cause of all the Ronpan influence, but…still. There’s no shame in not liking spicy food. I can get the rest of the wings in a box if I’m the only one who likes ‘em.”

“Oh, I don’t dislike spicy stuff.” Souda laughed, reaching over to grab a wing, still chuckling as Kaito leaned against the table and hid his head in his arms, whining in despair. “Ronpons have plenty of spices. I just know theres a culture of really spicy stuff around here in particular. When I was trying to challenge you guys, I wasn’t talking just a normal spice, I thought it’d be one of those heavy hitters. I just…” Souda laughed at himself a little, eating his wing, “knew I couldn’t handle the drink and the wings at the same time.”

“Hate you.” Kaito whined into his arms.

“There, there.” Souda said, reaching over to pat his back like Kaito had done for him, “Just muscle through it big guy. You’re doing great.”

Groan.

“Having bread really does help, hun,” Kokichi gently encouraged, nudging the basket again. 

Though, he nodded at Souda’s words. “Ah, yeah, these ones do have a bit of a kick, but like I said…ya gotta get into the culture to find the ‘have to have a healer on hand’ kind of stuff. Though…”

Kokichi thought for a moment. “None of them knew what I was talking about when we first got ramen together, but are you familiar with noodle soups? Usually if you order something with chili oil it’ll get ya a little, but if you order something that has a red broth? Then it’s usually a broth based on fermented chili paste, and those dishes go hard.” Kokichi sighed a little, shaking his head. “Like…it’s not the kind of spice that…that’s like a powder, and you can ruin your lungs if you breathe it kind of spicy. But it’s a heat that just builds on itself until you can’t take it, then it keeps going. Like…”

Kokichi looked around for a moment before reaching into his pockets, pulling out a pen and a small pad of paper, beginning to write in Tradean. “Okay, there’s this dish called He Bludaku that’s…insane. It’s crazy, and I’m absolutely not actually recommending you eat it, alright? But if you go to a more traditional noodle place, it’d probably be written like this. And it’s not the curry we ever have at home, hun, but, Souda-kun, if you find a southern-style curry place? Fal curry might actually kill you. Like…I had to overlook trade agreements with a place that was hiring people in the spice scene to grow hotter peppers than reapers to use in their Fal. It’s crazy.”

He slid the paper over to Souda, two short bullets containing the Common name, the Tradean spelling, and a quick description of the two dishes. 

“Heathens,” Kaito grumbled, reaching out and grabbing a pretzel bread, tears streaking down his red face as he carefully brushed all the salt off it before shoving it into his mouth, “A’ a… whole r’evel in ‘ur ‘rials.”

“Ooooh.” Souda took the paper, looking over the recommendation before folding it up and putting it in his pocket, “I’ll check it out, sounds like a good time.”

“Monsters.”

There was some more grumbling like that, before Kaito– after eating some more bread– was finally coaxed into drinking some water, and then his cranberry juice… and eventually his face went back to normal, as he said, “Why? Who does that to themselves? You can’t even taste it, your tongue is destroyed the second you touch it.”

“It’s hot, but this is a really mild spice, really. Did you really not even use pepper? Like… aren’t you from one of the richest families in the world? You guys didn’t have pepper?”

“I honestly don’t know?” Kaito mused, “I never cooked before coming here… well, no more than, like, warming up ready to make food when I was in college, and snaking a lot. If the chefs were putting pepper in my food, I never had a reason to find out. I didn’t really know anything in the kitchen. I put wood shavings in as a spice the first thing I ever tried cooking myself.”

“...wood shavings?”

Kaito nodded gravely. “Yep.”

“For the crazy hot stuff, yeah,” Kokichi nodded, “But…stuff like this? It’s another flavor. Makes everything else more intense. Like…you can tell they sweetened the sauce for these with maple syrup, though I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some other sugar too, and…I dunno. Maybe something like apple cider vinegar? I’m not very good at deciphering ingredients.” 

There were plenty of mild foods Kokichi enjoyed more than pretty much anything spicy, but there were certain foods that just didn’t taste right without a little kick. And, yeah, every once in a while it was fun to get something that’d leave you teary afterward, but he knew that was entirely personal preference. 

Snorting softly at the memory of Kaito’s first homecooked meal, Kokichi pressed against his husband affectionately. “The eggs were good, though. And I still don’t know what wood shavings were doing just hanging around the kitchen.”

“But Kai-chan’s really good in the kitchen these days!” Kokichi perked up, always excited to hype up his husband. “Chako-chan even goes out of her way to have him help out when mashed potatoes are on the menu. And once we did a whole family thing of making a Luminary-style meal all together.”

“Oh yeah? That’s sweet.” Souda complimented, while Kaito just shrugged sheepishly, looking a little embarrassed but pleased by the praise.

…Souda wasn’t sure what he was planning to do.

Maybe he wouldn’t end up doing anything.

He just felt bad. He knew things were weird, for Sahara and Komaru. Komaru hadn’t had any second thoughts about not contacting Kaito, saying that ‘He was barely a part of it, what would we get bringing him into it?’ But Saraha had struggled with it more. She struggled with everything, the girl was constantly drunk since she had gotten open access to alcohol again, but Sahara had seemed to think she ought to talk to Kaito. Tell him what happened. Tell him why it happened. Tell him the things she had learned about all of his friends, the things they had said, what their relationship with him had cost them all.

Sometimes she seemed angry. Sometimes she seemed like he just deserved to know the truth. Souda sometimes thought Sahara had just wanted to talk to him because, once upon a time, he had been a real comfort to her and she desperately wanted that again.

But in the end, they had decided not to do it. And like Souda, and the kids, they were grappling with the reality that they were trying to ‘escape’ and reclaim their lives from a country that had eyes everywhere and was used to disappearing people.

Gundham had said to not worry about it… had told them that the Queen was about to be too distracted to be looking at anything outside of her own country for awhile. He hadn’t told Souda the specifics. Souda hadn’t wanted to know.

All Souda knew was that Gundham had talked like he was saying goodbye.

Phone lines or not, Souda found himself doubting he’d ever hear from him again.

But when he had seen Kaito, he had felt the impulse to tell the guy everything he knew. To tell him Sahara wanted to talk to him. That she had things to tell him.

Instead, he figured he’d try to get to know the guy. And after spending some time with him… Souda didn’t know. The guy seemed like basically a normal dude trying to raise a family. Maybe he didn’t need all that shit on him.

“Well…” Souda sighed, scratching the back of his head, “I’ve had you guys for an hour and already managed to make one of us cry and one of us vomit–”

“Who cried?” Kaito said defensibly, eyes still a little red from the earlier spice.

“-- but I’ve gotten the sense today that hanging out and drinking till nightfall isn’t something you guys are actually up to…” Souda said leadingly, opening the door for the prince’s to make an escape if they wanted too.

Ah, well, he knew a closer when he heard one. 

“This was a lot of fun, Souda-kun,” Kokichi said with a bright smile. “Thank you for inviting us. Mm, but how should I get in contact with you for talkin’ with Miu-chan? Like…do you have a personal mailing address, or would you just wanna come by the castle? I’m a pretty easy person to track down if you wanted to keep things in your hands,” he laughed. 

A bit of privacy, if Souda wanted it. Even if he hadn’t lied about where he’d moved from, Kokichi still would’ve offered it--you could find deeds and rent records and all such in public records, but…there was something a little more personal about letting someone know exactly where you lived. 

“Ah, my living situation is sorta in… flux, right now.” Souda admitted, “I have some roommates I’m kinda getting sorted, peeps I met on the road that are still getting on their feet,” and into adequate foster homes. Apparently there was a shortage in this area, a ton of foster kids showing up in the last year, “and once they’re settled, then I’m finding a permanent situation. So… I dunno, it alright for me to just come say hi at some point?”

Kaito lit up a little at that, “Sure! We’re not always available, baby’s and soon-to-be ten year olds and such, but if you get us around lunch time usually it’s a little less hectic.”

“Sure. We’ll have to do this again sometime.” Souda said, “See what other stupid shit we can convince each other to eat.”

“Ha!” Kaito laughed, “You’re on. Maybe you’ll catch me on a good day and you can eat whatever nonsense I’m trying to cook that day.”

“Look, so long as there’s no wood shavings…”

“No guarantees.”

-

They had planned for this, made sure Tim got a special birthday celebration no matter what their lives were going to look like in midsummer, but…the day itself had arrived, and there were still a few things people still wanted to do. 

Kokichi had asked the day before if Tim would have a little time to talk in the afternoon, as he was still on Miya-duty in the morning, but even before then, as they’d gone to the dining hall, Haneda had told her ward to sit before getting food from the buffet-style spread, only to return with a plate stacked high with chocolate chip pancakes with breakfast sausages on the side. The pancakes were adequately chipped up, but the pancake on top had an undeniable ‘10’ written with chocolate chips, and there was careful writing in chocolate syrup on the plate that read out, ‘Happy Birthday Timothy’. 

Haneda had shrugged a bit at it, mentioning that the folks in the kitchen liked doing this sort of stuff, but she still slid over a small gift (an ‘explorer’s journal’, popular this year for kids as it had a map of the city and surrounding areas on the inside over and a small compass embedded into the front, along with survival tips made into the headers and footers of various pages) and ruffled his hair with a quiet, but fond, “Happy birthday, kid.”

But as the day got on and afternoon arrived, Kokichi and Tim were standing in a random hall on the third floor, where Kokichi had asked to meet. Looking anticipatory and excited, Kokichi greeted his nephew with a wide grin. “Happy birthday! How’s it feel being 10?”

“Dad keeps calling himself ‘old man tired’,” Timothy observed, stretching his arms out and around a bit, before nodding with total certainty, “I think I feel it coming on. Kids don’t know how good they have it.”

(He was not. He was, in fact, still just full off of way too much pancakes and sausage from that morning, and then a pretty full lunch after that too.)

Chase, in turn, kept looking like she was five seconds from jumping onto Kokichi, making the little movements for going onto her hind legs but never actually following though, her own tail thumping. She could sense Kokichi’s excitement, for one, and for two, Lots of People! Had Been Saying Hi!! To Dad! Dad!! Lots of Friendly People Today!!

“Don’t jump on Uncle Kokichi, Chase.” Tim scolded lightly, petting her as she panted up at both of them, “Did you need me to help with something, Uncle Kokichi?”

Kokichi nodded knowingly, able to at least reign in his laughter. He could remember feeling how monumentous each birthday felt when he was younger, especially 10. It was the beginning of the double digits, after all. It meant you’d been alive for a decade! A span of time so long that it had its own name, something special like century or millennium. 

A child’s birthday was special. So that’s why Kokichi had decided this. 

Reaching over to pet behind Chase’s ears a bit, hoping to sate her a little, Kokichi shook his head. “Not quite. I wanted to show you something.” Straightening, Kokichi’s gaze was kind, but a bit more serious. “You’re ten now, and while you’ve already proven yourself able to take on serious responsibility…I think you’re old enough I can share an Ouma secret with you. I trust you, Tim, and I trust that you’ll make good decisions with what I’m going to share with you.”

Looking around the hall a little, making sure they were alone, though neither of them had seen anyone for a little bit, Kokichi nodded to himself before pointing to the large landscape painting on the wall beside them--something common to see in the more public areas of the castle. Then, slowly, making sure Tim could see what he was doing, Kokichi felt around the bottom of the sculpted frame, holding something for a moment before he pressed the corner of the painting. 

And pivoting from the left third, the painting swung back, revealing a passageway behind it.

Tim’s eyes widened at that. An Ouma secret… like, a royalty secret? What could… of course Timothy could handle it! He was very responsible! He had been the best drummer boy his company had ever seen, and a royal assassin apprentice at one point! (For, like, a month, but whatever, it still counted.) He was one of the most responsible ten year olds around! 

But as excited as he felt, he simply said, “Okay… what did you–”

But his words died on his lips, his eyes widening like saucers as he saw what Kokichi did.

“What?” Timothy hissed out. Whispering, because this was a secret and Timothy was responsible, but… unable to shake the sheer awe in his ace as he said, “You just opened up the wall!”

Kokichi fought a grin, but not too much, simply looking over at Tim with a wink. “There are some shortcuts in the castle that, generally, people who live here know about, like that hall between the wings I use to get to my office. But…there are a few secret passages in the castle that only a handful of people know. I know, because I’m going to be in charge of the castle one day; Aiichi knows, ‘cause he’s in charge of the castle now, and Ikuo knows ‘cause he was in charge of me. But…none of the housekeepers know,” unless someone got lucky while cleaning or messing around, “And most of the admins don’t know, and…well, your Uncle Shuuichi is very clever, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he somehow found out, but these aren’t on any maps of castle, so it would’ve taken him some work to find out.”

Leaning towards Tim conspiratorially, Kokichi whispered, “Not even your dad knows.” He’d wanted to show Kaito, but…every time they had tried to explore the castle, they’d gotten sidetracked. And now…it felt like something special Kokichi could share with the kids, have it be a secret between them, at least for a little while. 

“This particular painting leads two places, actually… Do you wanna go explore together, or do you want me to tell you first? It can be exciting to explore, but I know you like getting information about what’s going on, ‘cause you’re responsible like that.”

Timothy fiddled with his nails a little, eyes still wide with possibility. New vents… but his expression grew serious and his shoulders squared at Kokichi’s reminder that Timothy was the responsible one. “Probably better to let me know, Uncle Kokichi. If it’s somewhere dangerous, I don’t want to go in without a plan.”

Did dad and Mom and Uncle Shuichi really potentially not know?? Shoot he couldn’t tell Cali and Kimiko. He won’t, because it was a royalty secret and stuff like this was meant ot keep people like Prince Kokichi safe, so Tim wouldn’t compromise the information, but… gah! “Better to go in with the infroma– Chase! No! Bad dog!”

Chase, excitable that day, was off! Down the weird new hallway! Dad!! Dad!! See the New Hallway?! Let’s Go See!!

Kokichi nodded, smiling fondly at his nephew. “Good call. So this--”

He startled slightly as Chase jumped through the painting portal before laughing softly, offering Tim a hand to climb through. “Well, we can walk and talk. The hallway goes back a little, into a space between rooms so it’s less obvious where things are. Then there’s a split staircase--the one going down goes to the supply closet in the music room, and the one going up leads behind one of the mirrors in the dance studio.”

As they followed Chase, Kokichi glanced down at his nephew. He could remember being around the same age, discovering all the little secrets the castle had to share. With every Ouma able to add their own touches and ideas, the building really was a mishmash of ideas all cobbled together. 

He wondered who had added the secret passageways. If they had once been useful, leading between important rooms, or they had always been more for fun. 

“...I trust you to keep these a secret, Tim, but I also trust you to know what’s right,” he said more softly after a moment. “If you’re in trouble, or someone else is in trouble, and knowledge about these passages would help? I trust you to make that call and tell someone about them.”

“And I know your dad already talked to you about privacy,” he smirked. “There’s only one of these that lead to a bedroom, but no one’s using it right now.”

Supply closet in the music room, one of the mirrors in the dancing room… Timothy nodded, treating Kokichi’s words with all the seriousness the ten year old could muster. Which was quite a bit, honestly. Like his adult counterparts, Timothy had sort of accepted that danger could always just appear, regardless of how calm things seemed to be or how stable that calm presented itself. Timothy wasn’t expecting to have to use these passageways at any point for safety’s sake, but it wouldn’t surprise him either. Chaos and danger were just facts of life.

He just hoped, if the time came, he wouldn’t have too much trouble finding the buttons that opened the walls… he’d have to practice.

But as they got down the hallway, Chase sniffing curiously at the walls, Tim sighed, “He talked forreeeeveeer about that. So did Miss Kawaii. And he kept trying to ask what I had seen in your guys rooms when I was in the vents, like, asking but without asking, right? He was really worried about it, which is stupid, it’s not like I don’t know what you guys do in private,” Timothy rolled his eyes, “I’m not a baby, I know about ‘making out’. Who cares?”

Kokichi flushed darkly, glad that they were only walking in the light of his flashlight down the dark hall. He did not envy his friends the day they were going to have The Talk with Timothy. He wasn’t looking forward to having it with Miyako either. 

“Yeah? Hmm… I’m a little jealous that you’re so comfortable with the concept,” Kokichi hummed, laughing softly. “I get really embarrassed about making out--it’s why your dad and uncle and I only do it in private. I know other people feel that way too… Maybe your dad was stressed out about it ‘cause he knows some people get embarrassed if other people see them making out, so he was worried about you seeing.”

“Your dad is a really considerate guy.” Kokichi grinned down at his nephew. “If you’ll excuse me bein’ a little gross, that’s something I really like about him. He’s always trying to make sure people aren’t embarrassed or nervous or scared--it’s a hard task, but he’s always up for it.”

Timothy supposed he understood that. He didn’t think kissing was a big deal, even if it was very gross to look at, but, well, if other people got embarrassed by him seeing it, well… sure. It’s not like he wanted to anyway.

“Dad got real nervous that I wasn’t going to have fun today. I think he thinks I’ll be mad, but,” Tim shrugged, tracing his hands along the wooden walls. It was very cool… “But we did all my birthday stuff a while back, so that you guys can focus on Miyako. I remember. He doesn’t need to feel bad… though, Miss Kawaii got me this.”

Tim waited till Kokichi had focused the flashlight, before pulling the adventure journal out of his pocket, giving it an admiring look before showing it off to Kokichi, “Look, it’s got a compass on the front. Do you know how to read a compass, Uncle Kokichi?”

Next year would be more stable. Taking care of a baby wouldn’t be any easier, but they’d be more versed in it and know better what to expect, day to day. And, maybe, Kimiko and Cali wouldn’t go to camp next year…or maybe Tim would go with them. And he could spend his birthday with his friends, along with the family celebrations. 

Kokichi was glad Tim didn’t seem much put out with the weirdness of this year, though. 

(A lonely birthday somehow felt even lonelier than normal days.)

As he steadied the flashlight, Kokichi’s eyes widened as he let out a quiet whistle. “Wow, that’s…from the binding, it’s a journal, right? It looks like a really nice one…what a great gift!”

Looking more at the compass, Kokichi grinned sheepishly. “Theoretically. I know the needle always points north, but the few times I’ve used a compass I always got turned around anyway. I bet you’re an expert compass reader, right?”

“...pff. I remember making a homemade one in my science class once,” he laughed. “If you take a needle, like a sewing needle, or an embroidery one like Miss Kawaii uses, and rub it on a magnet for a while, it becomes magnetized. Then, I stuck the needle in a cork, then put it in water, and the needle would spin until it pointed north. Not very practical to make if you’re out in the woods, but it was a fun project.”

Tim nodded, though he amended, “I don’t really know this area enough to be able to use it for anything, but we had compasses back in my squad to help find our camps again if we got lost or separated. But it has a map on the inside too, so… kinda fixes that.” 

Still proudly looking over his journal, Timothy gave Kokichi a curious look, “... can we try that?”

Something shifted in Tim’s mind, and suddenly looking apathetic and uninterested he said dismissively, “We don’t have too. It doesn’t matter. The baby needs your time more.”

“Oo, a map too? I bet you could make a lot of plans with that… Find cool routes in the city? I never found any secret passages like this when I’d go wander around, but who knows? Maybe there’s other people keeping family secrets.”

Kokichi lit up as Tim showed interest, but as he immediately dampened his expectations, Kokichi felt something twinge in his chest. Aw kid… He wasn’t Tim’s dad. But they were family. And Kokichi never wanted to be too busy for his family. He never wanted Tim to end up standing outside an office, unsure if he was important enough to knock. 

“Nah,” Kokichi said with a soft grin. “I made sure I’m free all afternoon. I wasn’t sure how long you’d wanna explore with an old guy like me, so I tried to be optimistic and made sure that we could take as long as we wanted--never know when we gotta be like sneaky spies and wait for someone to leave before coming out of the passageway. Yeah, how about we find Miss Kawaii and ask if she’ll loan us a needle--maybe she’ll wanna help out too.”

After a moment, Kokichi reached out to (obviously, gently) give Tim’s shoulder an affectionate squeeze. “Miyako needs a lot of help right now--you’re a good big brother for realizing that. But you’re important too, Timothy. Never forget you’re important.”

Timothy gave Kokichi a curious, slightly uncertain look… before nodding, “Okay. But don’t give Miyako the compass when you’re finished. Infants can’t have sharp things. Mom yelled at me for ages when I tried to show her my knife. I just wanted to let her look, I wasn’t gonna let her hold it.” Tim pouted, still put off by the memory of the scolding. 

“...is the mirror a see-through mirror? Cause that would be kinda cool.” He grinned. Eager to find out.

Kokichi laughed softly. “You’re right--Miyako’s gonna have to wait until she’s older for a compass like that. Maybe you could even be the one to teach her!”

“It would be cool,” Kokichi sighed. “But it’s not. Even with a super secret passage someone was still concerned with privacy. But you can still hear everything going on in the room, so that’s still a little cool.”

“A little,” Time agreed… before smirking, “.Let’s go see if we can sneak up behind anyone if they’re in the rooms.”

-

As Shuichi took over Miya duty for the afternoon, lunch done and Kokichi starting to wonder– without much enthusiasm– what he might do with his afternoon~

Kaito scooped him up. “Bathtime.”

Kokichi looked up at Kaito with mild, idle surprise, the summer heat (while not the deadly smog of the heatwave) dampening much enthusiasm for anything. “...bathtime?”

Blinking slowly, Kokichi hummed for a moment. “...could we use one of those bath bombs Denji-chan shoved at me? They look cool.” 

He wasn’t sure if this was going to be bathtime or “bathtime”, but either way, if they were gonna be running the water… He wanted to see what they were like. They seemed sparkly.

“Hell yeah we’re using bath balms. Bombs? The circle things Denji got you.” Kaito said, giving Shuichi a nod, who waved them off, as he headed into the bathroom, “We’re gonna use all the nice smelling things, and we’re gonna chill out in some warm water, and I’m gonna get to see my ‘Kichi naked, and you’re gonna get your feet rubbed, and that’s what’s happening.”

“Annnnnd~ check this out,” Kaito grinned, putting Kokichi down“Look, look, what Souda put together, he sent it to me yesterday and I knew the second I saw it we had to use it in the bath. Watch.”

Pulling the machine out from under the sink where Kaito had hidden it, it looked like a record player with a weird, cut up lantern light on top of it. “Start the water, beautiful, while I set this up?”

Oh, a foot rub would be nice. Kokichi wasn’t having a bad day, his joints were playing nice, but he was never going to say no to a Kaito massage. 

Peering over the strange device, Kokichi hummed in curiosity before nodding, heading over to turn on the water. Not a warm bath, because it was already so warm outside, but still warm enough to be comfortable enough to soak in for a while. However long the while was, though Shuuichi had things down and Miya was having a good day too. 

Starting to take his clothes off, Kokichi hummed again. “That the whole inspiration for a bath day?”

“Mmmm… no.” Kaito admitted, shrugging, “I did really wanna see you naked too. But… you’ve also seemed kinda stressed? I know you don’t like having nothing to do with your time, so… I figured I’d take the stress off a little by filling up an hour.”

Grinning, Kaito managed to set up the machine the way the note had said, the record player playing softly some nice music, but on top of that, as the record spinned, so did the paper lantern, a lightbulb inside growing brighter… and from the light, placing it on the sink, pretty lit images of animals, flowers and stars littered the walls and ceiling.

“Admittedly, Souda made this with Miyako in mind,” Kaito chuckled, going to turn off the bathroom light so that the light from the lantern filled the room instead, “But, well, dad’s gonna play with her toys sometimes. Miya just has to live with that reality. And look, we can still see the water, so this with some cool bath bomb? Heck of an atmosphere, eh?”

Kokichi gave his husband a fond look as he shucked off his shorts. It…wasn’t really stress like he was used to. There were still things Kokichi filled his time with, Miyako most notably, but he still was making sure he was taking time to get out and enjoy the weather or do a little shopping or check in with friends. But…

Zenith was in two weeks. And Kokichi…wasn’t doing any sort of preparations for it. No stall location planning, no stage schedule arranging, no conferring with safety advisements for the water fight or light show… The most he’d done was check in with Denji about when he should come by for help with his clothes and hair, and while his sibling definitely took that seriously…it was such a personal thing that Kokichi hardly felt it counted. 

His favorite holiday of the year and he was…not helping put it together. 

But he would get to enjoy it with his family for the first time this year. 

He picked out a cool blue-green sparkly bath bomb from the few Denji had gifted (Denji would get Kokichi to moisterize one way or another) but was distracted as Kaito got the device to start up. And…

Kokichi watched in wonder as…shadow animals (or, rather, the opposite, since the shapes were in light while everything else was in shadow) started to slowly dance over the walls, the music soft and calm and…relaxing. Wonderful and relaxing. 

“...Souda really is a genius,” Kokichi murmured, following a tulip go across the bathroom tile. “...this is amazing, hun.”

“Right? I thought you’d get a kick out of it.” Kaito grinned, before shedding into his own clothes. “Alright, I know it’s too warm for me to fully snuggle you without you trying to escape me. That’s the point of the foot massage,” Kaito explained, heading to the other side of the tube and sitting on the edge, watching the water fill. “Me this side, you that side?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Kokichi hummed, joining Kaito on the edge of the tub before his gaze was drawn back to the…musical nightlight-puppetshow thing. “...it’s like a big music box. But with a light, and it can make the whole room cool… I think Miya’s gonna love it. Could send her off to sleep with some soft music before bed…”

Kokichi smiled a bit. “Did my dad tell you about how she liked her mobile? He said she looked like she thought it was the most fascinating thing in the world. I’d say it’s really endearing how much she loves looking at cool lights, but I like doing that too.”

When the tub filled up, Kokichi dropped the bath bomb in, watching with satisfaction as it started to sizzle, bubbles coming up from it as color started to leak across the tub. Very cool.

“Huh… neat.” Kaito mused, watching the ball dissolve, before deciding it probably wouldn’t hurt anything, getting in himself. Stretching as the water rose, Kaito grinned at Kokichi, “Come on in, babe, the waters fine~”

“He told me she was starting to lose her temper on him, and the mobile helped a lot.” Kaito recalled, something both fond and exasperated in recalling the memory, “Our baby is only two months old and already I get the sense she ‘Strong Opinions’. I love her, but I’m hoping she loosens up a little by the time she’s, oh… three? Four months old? Life’s too short to get mad at all the little stuff. She’s gotta learn to go~ with the flow~” He said, kicking out and knocking the bath balm around a little, watching the color spread as it bounced against the walls and back towards the center again, “Be chilled out, like her very chill dad.”

“Because I am,” Kaito snickered, “Just.. so chill.”

Kokichi didn’t take too long before following Kaito into the tub, sighing happily at the comfortable warm feeling. He took a deep breath. Mm…yeah, there was a light apple-y scent from the bath bomb… Denji had said it was pear too, but Kokichi was of the opinion that pears didn’t really have much of a scent, and were just worse apples anyway.

Chuckling slightly, Kokichi sank in deeper and rested his head against the side of the tub. “Even without a wholly defined ego, she’s still firmly in the ‘I am the greatest thing on earth’ mentality, I’d guess. Everything is about her, and about the present…if it’s not perfect, then it’s unacceptable and we really should’ve known better… She could keep the confidence, but I hope that we’ll manage to pass on understanding to her. Hard to reason with a tiny baby, though. These are the years they’re supposed to be entirely selfish.”

“She is the greatest thing on earth, what are you talking about ‘Kichi?” Kaito chuckled, rolling his eyes a little as he crossed his legs first, to test it out, before tried scooting his other leg around Kokichi’s side, seeing if he’d fit comfortably in between them, or if Kaito would be in the way. 

It’d probably be fine. Kokichi was rarely uncomfortable between his legs. But Kaito still looked for little annoyed signs anyway, all jokes aside.

“And she can be selfish all she liked, dad fully intends to spoil her as much as he can… but she still needs to relax. Her little baby face is gonna get adorable little baby wrinkles…” Kaito grinned, relaxing into the tub, “...so. This time last year. Or, if its a bummer, the year before that, cause this is meant to be a nice question,” Kaito insisted knowingly, giving his husband a small wink, “Zenith is in two weeks, birthday is in two weeks, Kokichi is nineteen, or eighteen, wild and crazy and on top of the world… what would you be up to today?”

Kokichi laughed a bit and settled between Kaito’s legs, gently pressing his own leg along on in affection. “I mean. You’re right. She’s amazing and incredible and the best daughter I’ve ever had. I’d do anything for her and she knows it.” Even give up his own sleep to entertain her. 

Sinking down in the water a little more, Kokichi gave Kaito a sheepish look before considering the question. “...I was a little more stressed last year, since it was Zenith, birthday, then wedding in four weeks…but…it was still alright.”

“...working, honestly,” he hummed softly. “But…that’s something I’d be excited about. I love getting to see all the festival prep going on behind the scenes…and it lets me plan out what sort of foods I’d wanna ask people to snag me. That raspberry shortcake, definitely--I’ve never seen a year that the stall never went up.”

Kokichi leaned his head back a little more. “...other than that? I might be taking a walk in the community garden. Enjoying the summer bloom… There are nice things about it at any time of year, but I love seeing all the flowers and fruit in bloom. Maybe I’d find a fruit stall and pick up something to munch on as I walked. Nothing big going on, but…I like summer. It’s nice.”

Kaito could picture it. Kokichi, dressed in almost nothing, wandering the summer streets with fruit in his hands, his head full of plans for the holidays… well, except for last summer, where his head might have been full of treaty plans and wedding dreads. Still, it was a nice image.

Finding Kokichi’s foot in the water (how could he miss it, Kokichi was pressed tightly in), Kaito idly started to sort of massage, sort of just play with Kokichi’s feet beneath the water, more just keeping his hands busy than anything. Kaito had fussy hands. They always wanted to be twisting at something. Like little Miya~ grabbing at something and not letting go.

“...” Kaito grinned just as sheepishly, “Totally random segway, but I forgot to mention it this morning. Miyako totally snatched my goatee last night. Kokichi, I’m not gonna lie… I begged. I begged our little baby girl to let go. She had me good. I almost cried.”

Kokichi grinned a bit as Kaito started playing with his feet, more messing around with them than massaging. In most cases, Kokichi enjoyed when Kaito would play with parts of his body, running his hand through his hair or slowly going down each finger joint by joint… It was a type of casual intimacy that Kokichi loved. 

“Oh noooo,” Kokichi snorted, shaking his head. “It’s horrible, isn’t it? I don’t know if it’s worse with facial hair…” He raised an eyebrow at his husband. “...this hasn’t incentivised you to shave, has it? I’ll be honest, I can’t really imagine you without your beard, even if it’s not a lot of your face.”

He’d also heard of young children not recognizing even parents if they got rid of facial hair, but…Miya might be a little too young for that to be a factor. 

“Nooooo, I love my beard.” Kaito whined, looking genuinely pained at the idea, “It makes me unique. It’s part of my flair! My flaaaaavor. And, like, no one else has facial hair. It’s just as out of fashion here as it was back home. Why!? It’s a good look! Someone has to be out here representing sexy facial hair!”

“But, while she had it in her little baby iron grip?” Katio said grimly, “... I considered it. Just to free myself. Thankfully I managed to distract her with the lamb doll, she grabbed that instead. Otherwise last night would have been tragic.”

Laughing at himself a little, Kaito continued to idly play with Kokichi’s toes… nails were weird. All hard and sharp. Jagged edges… maybe he should get Kokichi a pedicure. Hell, he’d love a pedicure himself, honestly…

“Tell me~” Kaito sang-songed, his mind still mostly occupied by little self-pampering desires, “A nice Kokichi memory… but not a lie. I want a real one.”

“My father gets a beard sometimes. During tax season,” Kokichi hummed. Aiichi wasn’t a number cruncher, but when they got all the overall numbers back? Looking at everything that had been done over the year, comparing it to past years, considering all the projects and projected concerns for the next year, and then seeing if any proportions should be taken or allocated differently… It was a nightmare, honestly. And there was usually a period of three to four weeks where the whole of upper administration was basically the walking dead. For once Kokichi had managed to skate by relatively well, adhering to his half-work day schedule, even then. 

“But you definitely look better than Aiichi, so you can take the top representation spot with no contest.”

Kokichi wiggled his toes a little in Kaito’s grip, not entirely surprised by his request. They did tend to have story time in the tub. 

“...a nice memory…hm.” Kokichi gave his husband a half-serious look. “...I do have plenty. But…I dunno. Have any topic requests? I can try and get as close as I can.”

Topic requests… hmmm…

“...the very first lie you ever told me was that you found and helped a little girl in a festival.” Kaito mused, “And I know if I had asked you then for a real story about you doing something that helped someone else out, you’d have said another shitty little lie and said you never have. But the ‘Kichi I know cares way too much about everyone around him, so… I don’t think its in your nature to have never stepped up to be someones hero in your life.”

“So~” Kaito grinned, “Tell me about a time you helped someone.”

“Well, the first lie I told you was giving you a fake name. But. Yeah,” Kokichi hummed. But not a lie, but a Lie…one of their lies. The stories they told each other. The first thing Kokichi had thought about was talking about a festival and having a personal moment, painting himself as an upstanding citizen he’d believed everyone in the city was. 

People still were. 

“...I don’t really know if this counts, and it’s not much of a story, really,” Kokichi said after a moment, idly flexing his feet in Kaito’s grip. “I was…sixteen? Getting more in the groove with my work. And it was the rainy season in early fall… I found a…it hadn’t even been submitted as a grant request. Just…a lower priority letter. But I was able to take those whenever I wanted, without being overseen, and I was really determined to do as much work as I could…”

“There was an artist in Zogel whose studio had flooded from the rain,” he softly explained, gaze going distant as he reminisced. “She worked in acrylic paint, so…so all that’s water soluble, right? It wasn’t even a grant request… I don’t think she was a very well-known artist at the time, so it was just…a kinda rambly letter asking about what to do since…” Kokichi sighed. “It was…months of work, ruined. From a business point of view, basically like nearly the last year wiped out. There weren’t commission pieces, so there weren’t reimbursements to make, but…”

Kokichi frowned softly. “...I’d be heartbroken if my sketchbooks were destroyed. Artists scrap a lot of work, but…pieces you finished, things you were really proud of…even just things that had nice memories with them…it’s horrible. So…I got around asking. Worked on it as much as I could for…I dunno, a few days at least. I couldn’t bring her paintings back, but I was able to contact a few collectives and philanthropists in her area, asked them if they were looking for promising new painters to sponsor, maybe set up a deal for a local exhibition… And I got her a grant to make repairs in her studio, and to replace all the ruined supplies. And the exhibition sponsored her to make four new pieces for it.”

“...she sent me a painting, actually. Like…months afterward. The cat in the basket with the rainbow shining through the window that’s in my office? She was really grateful, though…I dunno. Doesn’t really feel like saving anyone.”

Kaito happily listened to the story, content that he had asked the right question. His good, steadfast Kokichi… he lifted Kokichi’s leg out of the water and placed a small kiss against his ankle, before letting it dip back into the water. “I bet to the artist, it felt like you saved her. Getting a helping hand when you weren’t expecting it? When you’re desperate and overwhelmed… it was probably one of the most relieving things that had ever happened to her. There’s nothing like feeling like your heads completely underwater, and then someone dragging you back up…” 

Kaito grinned, “Metaphorically. But I bet it feels close to the same.”

Kokichi smiled softly, enjoying the small kiss. “...I’m happy I was able to help. That’s why I love my job, you know? I get satisfaction from the work, it’s like working on a giant, never-ending puzzle, but…at the end of the day, I know that everything I did is making life easier for someone else. That people are going to have the backing to pursue their passions, that people are going to be able to buy their favorite foods, and that the people who grew or made those foods are going to be properly compensated, that someone knows they’re gonna be given fair treatment at school or their job…”

“I like knowing that I’m having a tangible effect on people’s lives. It makes me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile with my time.”

Kokichi smiled up at his husband. “My hands might get ansty, but I feel like that when I’m spending time with you guys, too. Considering how happy I am just to be together…I can be satisfied knowing that it’s probably the same for you too. And I don’t even have to do any math.”

“Of course you have a tangible effect. You’re the heir apparent, and their future leader. And your people are lucky to have you. You make their lives better.” Kaito praised, now rubbing his hand up and down Kokichi’s leg a little. “And you work hard for us too. Very hard… the family might not come with math,” Kaito laughed, giving Kokichi an amused look, “But we’re not easy, even if you love us and we make you happy. So…”

Kaito laughed, making a more concentrated effort to actually massage Kokichi’s feet, rather than just playing with his toes, “Knowing that we’re difficult? And you genuinely love your work? I know this situation can be kind of a bummer for you. So, I want to try to make things a little easier on you…”

Pressing tightening into the dip of Kokichi’s foot, Kaito said after a moment, “...if you want to go back to work? Like, even part time… I can take more responsibility for Miyako. I can be full time with her. I want Shuichi to go back to school soon too, so… I know we’re only two months in, but Miya isn’t pooping or eating less any time soon, and you both have to get back to your lives eventually…”

Kokichi smiled warmly down at the water, feeling a little flattered but…believing it. He…he was a good admin. He took care of his people, did his best for their needs and concerns, and…did whatever he could to make a fair outcome for them. He was a leader. And when it was time for him to be the leader…he’d keep caring for them too. And he’d do well. 

He couldn’t help but sigh a little as Kaito started focusing on massage, but it wasn’t enough to distract himself from what his husband was saying. It wasn’t a bad thing! Not Kaito really trying to martyr himself, really, he did have a point, but…

“...let’s talk about it as a family, alright?” Kokichi said after a moment, looking up at Kaito with a soft, yet sure expression. “If we’re gonna change up our schedule, then it should be in a way we all decide.”

Sighing, Kokichi wiggled his toes in Kaito’s grip. “...I really appreciate you. Offering to be there more for Miya, and being so supportive of me and Shuu-chan. But you have a life too. And…me starting some amount of work again doesn’t have to mean you’re going full-time.”

Looking up at the ceiling, Kokichi thought for a moment. “...like… Maybe I’ll ask to be part of our morning meetings again--for administration, I mean. Not actually going into the office, but…getting back in the swing of knowing what’s going on, what people are working on. To do that…I would ask you, or Shuu-chan, if you could take over…maybe an hour? Of my morning Miya duties. I could later cover an hour in the afternoon or night, or…maybe not. Depending on what we decide.”

“That would be you doing more and me doing less, but…it’s not a full swing, you know? It’s a small change, so we can see what that’s like, and decide if it’s working for us. And…it would still give you a lot of freedom that’s not committed to the kids to live your life too. However you want. Maybe what you want is to be with them, but…that’s something you can choose in the moment.”

“Aw, thanks babe.” Kaito said softly, smirking slightly at the little movements Kokichi was making.

A part of him wanted to admit that when it came to anything outside of the family, Kaito felt a little aimless and… kinda useless. Or, not ‘useless’. ‘Functionless’. There really wasn’t anything for him to do. There wasn’t even anything he really wanted to do. Trying to imagine goals outside of raising the kids or supporting his partners felt like looking into a black pit. Like, sure, there might be something down there, but… was anything actually worth jumping into the pit for?

He guessed he had always been like that, when he thought back on it. He hadn’t joined the officer program out of some huge desire to implement war strategies or fight, he had gone because Byakuya… well, Byakuya had told him too. And Byakuya had told him too at seventeen, so that was just… what he was going to do. He hadn’t put any more thought into it, because why bother? It had already been decided.

And anything he had ended up looking forward too? Was really just elaborate scenarios that all eventually circled back to his family being proud of him. Miss Crystal seemed to think it all stemmed from him trying to make up for everything that had happened him losing his inheritance. Embarrassing the family… Kaito didn’t like to think that was the case, because he liked to think he had handled that whole event well and was well adjusted! 

But, eh. She might have a point. The therapists usually did.

But he didn’t want to say all of that. He didn’t want Kokichi to feel like it was something he had to fix about Kaito’s lifestyle. Him not having goals outsides of the family wasn’t something anyone could fix for him, it was just something he had to work around. Or just live with. Who knew.

But, what he did say was, “You ever meet someone with a foot fetish? They’re hilarious, they’re so genuinely into it and it’s really fun to watch them just, like… be so into it, ya know? Anyway, I only bring that up because I think you have beautiful feet, Kokichi, but I keep getting second-hand embarrassment thinking of those guys and how they would show appreciation… it’s wild’.”

…he knew it wasn’t that easy. That he could just ensure Kaito had free time, and his husband would skip off into the horizon making friends and engaging in his hobbies. They had talked about this consistently for nearly the past year, and Kaito had always leaned more into taking up some sort of responsibility for his family. Not just the responsibility that came with having relationships at all, but…responsibilities that kept him by their sides constantly. 

Which was great, when he was the one looking after Miya, or one of them was sick and needed attention. But not so much for Kaito living his life where it deviated from theirs. 

Kokichi could understand the anxiety, the sense of worth that Kaito craved from being there for them, but…he also had trouble. Because Kaito had plenty of hobbies he enjoyed, and, it was slow-going about making them, but he did have people outside of them too. And…Kokichi thought it was really good for Kaito to…go over and chat with Temp while they cooed over Addason, or crash into Waku’s room and talk shit for a few hours, or, more recently, hang out with Souda and talk about new technology. It was good when Kaito could get absorbed for a few hours painting a figurine, or get that determined, pleased look in his face when he was working on a recipe, especially if he had to go down and see if Chako was working so he could ask her something, and she’d usually rope him into helping around the kitchen. 

Kaito had a lot of things in his life. Kokichi didn’t want him to give those up.

Kokichi just stared at Kaito for a moment as he changed the subject, but…he decided to let it go. If they were going to talk about things as a family then he didn’t need to push now. 

Shaking his head a little, Kokichi pressed his foot into Kaito’s hand. “If I have, it’s never been someone that said anything. Kinda glad about that…think I’d feel kind of weird about having my feet sexualized. ‘Specially since I don’t wear shoes much.”

“I had two people, like, super into it… three, technically, but I never slept with the third one. I told you about the girl that liked to draw small people being eaten, right? It was her thing? She also had a feet thing. Lots of intricately drawn feet… ya know, I miss Elsa. She was one of my weirder friends in high school, to the point where even then I‘m not sure if I’d have even called us friends? I just found her and her drawings fascinating and I think she got a kick out of the attention. But now, looking back? I liked her. I hope she considered us friends.”

Kaito’s eyes suddenly widened, an old memory coming back to him as he said, tone horrified, “One of the feet guys wouldn’t stop tickling me. Why? Like, it was cute at first, but he got really into it. It was bad.”

Kokichi smiled softly, though he bit back the impulse to encourage Kaito to send his maybe-friend a letter. Regardless, he thought it’d be a nice surprise for her, but…well, not all relationships were deep. Having a fond memory of the time they had spent together was just as important as anything. 

And…really. The more fond memories Kaito had, the better. 

Others…

Kokichi made a complicated expression on his face. “That’s…kind of a weird one. S’why you always gotta have kink negotiation, I guess. Even if it’s something harmless.”

“...do you think you’d wanna fuck me against a wall again?”

Kaito chuckled, giving Kokichi a surprised but delighted look, “What? Me reminiscing over bad lays revving you up, beautiful? Wanna hear the story where I had to bail mid-way because the dude looked infected? It was awkward, but I was not touching that thing. Poor guy… though also kinda fuck him, cause seriously? You’re gonna pretend that there’s nothing wrong when I’m looking right at it? Dick.”

“Not like I’m gettin’ hot under the collar right now,” Kokichi shrugged. “But it’s not something I’d be uninterested it, if we moved stuff in that direction. But…I mean, it’s what we’re talking about. So…I was wondering.”

…it had been fun, for all that he’d bruised up his back really badly. And had gotten sick from Kaito’s spores. 

…eugh. 

Kokichi made a face. “Very uncool. Not really from, like, appearance, but…getting an infection or an STI is terrifying to me. More scary than just seeing people out an’ about with colds, even if it’s kinda the same thing for me.”

“Pfff, oh, yeah. Trust me, I’d get nervous about that stuff too.” Kaito huffed, shaking his head, “It’s a really prevalent problem in Kimigashine, actually. Kimigashine finds even the discussion of sex, let alone openly acnowledged programs about it to, to be pretty taboo? So the diseases spread like crazy under the radar. It’s one thing Luminary, and Novoselic, have going for them. The Atuan Temples have always been really proactive in sexual health programs and advocosy, so it’s a really small infected population in Luminary, who are very specifically catered too, which has managed to keep it contained, and Novoselic has a government division that uses the temples as a blueprint on how to control the spread. But you always get one or two assholes who are in blatant denial and don’t wanna utilize the help in place. Gotta watch out for those dickheads.”

“Me bragging about one of the few things Luminary gets right aside~” Kaito said, determinedly not asking how Dicea managed their sexual disease issues because he already knew it was going to be just as good if not better and he didn’t feel like inviting that sort of disappointment into his life today. Maybe another day, assuming Kokichi didn’t offer the info himself. “... d~ooo I want to fuck you into a w~aaalll again…”

Kaito traced his hands up and down Kokichi’s leg, before scooting in closer, bringing up Kokichi’s leg and resting his heel against Kaito’s shoulder, petting up and down his thigh, “Did that specifically come to mind for a reason? The wall part, not the fucking… your poor back took a real beating there, last time, beautiful.” Kaito kissing a little at Kokichi’s leg, not minding the taste of the bath balm. Smelled nice. “It’s a weird thing to put on a benchmark, not usually a sort of ‘to do’ list sort of thing…”

Kaito smirked, giving Kokichi a wink, “Someone been having fantasies?”

He’d been wrong about that kind of stuff before, but it did make sense that Luminary would be On Their Shit when it came to STIs. If you encouraged sexual worship and, yanno, wanted to have people around, then it was important to ensure that people could be safe about it. Raising his eyebrows, he was a little surprised to hear how different it was in Kimigashine, though. 

(...he hoped Shin was okay. It didn’t seem like Kaede had tried anything, back when they spoke, but…it’d been months. And if he didn’t know… He was a kid…)

“That’s really great,” Kokichi hummed softly. “I’m sure there’s more we could do here--maybe learning more about how the Atuan temples advocate and care for folks will give us some good ideas. Testing’s always free, and there are treatments for certain STIs, and, like…it’s a really normal thing to get tested before you’re with a new partner. And you learn a lot about all that stuff in school… Still.”

Kokichi brought his arms behind him, bracing himself so he wouldn’t fall into the water as Kaito took more of his leg, a light blush growing on his cheeks as Kaito kissed and rubbed at his thigh. “Well…you were talking about fetishes, and I was thinking about anything…I dunno. I’d say out of the ordinary, but…that’s not really it. Just anything that’s not just us in bed, I guess…”

He gave Kaito a half-shy look. “I’m not sayin’ I like getting my back all messed up. And if we did something like that again, I’d prolly ask that we could put a cushion behind me or something…but it was a lot of fun. I really liked it.”

Kaito huffed, raising an eyebrow at Kokichi, tracing his fingers on the back of Kokichi’s leg. “I was talking about fetishes, and your horny little brain could only half dream up a safer version of something we’ve already done?”

Tsking disapprovingly, Kaito scooted in closer. Crowding Kokichi against the wall, leg still over his shoulder and the other one around his hip, Kaito’s knees on either side of Kokichi, Kaito leaned forward, looming over him as he braced one hand against the back wall, putting the other around Kokichi’s back. He stared down at Kokichi, a distinctly unimpressed look on his face, before he kissed at Kokichi’s shoulders, one kiss after another.

“You~” Kaito pulled Kokichi’s waist up a bit, giving himself room to bend Kokichi back a bit, kissing at his chest, “~are either not being honest with me, or are just painfully under utilizing me~ Atua gave you a stallion, ‘Kichi. And you only want to make me run in circles?” 

Kaito kissed at Kokichi’s chest, before licking at his nipple, playing with the point a bit before he murmured, “Shame on you…”

Kokichi watched in quiet anticipation as Kaito slowly crawled over him, bending his body and crowding Kokichi until Kaito was his whole world. Each little kiss against his body was a tingly burst of warmth, and Kokichi could feel every point shoot down his spine, only wanting Kaito to get closer. 

Gently, Kokichi placed a kiss to Kaito’s temple before he encircled his arms around his shoulders, feeling the flexing, shifting muscles. “...I have trouble thinking of what I’d like…” he murmured. 

“I can’t think of anything about clothes, and there’s no body parts that stick out to me more than anything else… I like how excited Shuu-chan gets with food stuff, and I like when you say nice things to me…and hold my wrists sometimes, and barely give me a chance to breathe…” Kokichi swallowed, his eyes darkening as he squished his neck to press a kiss to Kaito’s cheek. “But…there’s nothing new, from what we’ve talked about.”

“I’m afraid I’m quite a fan of vanilla, when it’s the two of us.”

Kaito grinned, distracted from his attention on Kokichi’s nipple by his kiss on the cheek, looking up to Kokichi with an adoring look before stealing some proper kisses. Loving the feeling of forming around Kokichi’s body, though the position he had put his husband was, admittedly, clouding his judgment a little. Kaito had only meant to tease and rile up Kokichi a little, maybe even be a little mean and back off once his husband was all red and flushing… but his own adrenaline was already picking up in excitement. He was trying to fight the impulse to rub his still (mostly) limp cock against Kokichi’s, cause… it’d take so little to start now…

“I have lots of fantasies about you and our Shuichi.” Kaito said, taking a moment to capture Kokichi’s tongue, wrapping his arm around the back of Kokichi’s head so that when pushed foreward, Kokichi’s head and neck were braced by his arm, rather than pushed into the edge of the tubes ceramic… before, feeling himself getting caught up, he pulled back a little. Huffing a bit, face flushed, Kaito peered down at him, “... but I try not to bring them up, specifically. I know you’d speak up, but there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to pressure you into things that’d make you uncomfortable, just cause I think there’s something attractive in them. I don’t mind being vanilla babe, I love you and however I’m with you makes me happy. I don’t need more.” He insisted, looking worried.

Kokichi sighed happily into the kisses, loving those no matter if he was feeling heated or just affectionate. He moved one hand from Kaito’s shoulder, palming down and around to his chest and massaging his pec a bit, feeling the striation of the well-defined muscles. He didn’t think he had a grand fixation on any body parts, but Kokichi really did love Kaito’s chest. 

He knew his husband had a lot of fantasies--all part of his rich inner world--but…

“It’s like… It’s like…” Kokichi hummed, stealing another peck to try and ease that worried look from Kaito’s face. “...this is kind of a bad analogy, since I actually like some of these flavors. But…I know I really like vanilla. We’ve tried some stuff, like orange cream and cherry, and I haven’t been much of a fan, but…that’s alright. We’ve also found chocolate, and I like that. And we found toppings, like whipped cream and sprinkles, and I like that too. But…it’s not like I’m looking at the rest of the menu, and deciding I don’t like them like the cherry.”

“It’s more like…I don’t even know what the flavors mean, or I can see them. So…all I’ve seen are the ones we’ve discussed.” Kokichi gave his husband a soft look. “Just because something hasn’t occurred to me on my own doesn’t mean I won’t like it. It just means…I haven’t thought of it. I’m not bored or vanilla, but if you find yourself dreaming of…pistachio and honey? Then I’d like to try a taste. And even if I don’t like it, I might decide I wanna start adding pistachio chunks to the vanilla.”

After a moment, Kokichi looked a bit sheepish. “Does that make sense? Or am I just making you hungry?”

“You’re honestly just making me think of that time you guys almost put ice cream on me.” Kaito admitted, kissing Kokichi back, “Which… I almost wanted you to do. Not enough to actually push for it? But I did have a morbid curiosity. I bet it would have sucked… but, like, maybe…”

Kaito’s gaze went far away, imagining that day at the beach house, but, like, really cold and sticky from ice cream… before remembering what he was doing right now and, practically growling, hefting Kokichi up onto his lap, bringing up Kokichi’s other leg to rest higher upon Kaito’s arm. Cornering Kokichi in the tub, still using his arm to brace Kokichi’s back as, just a little, he rocked his hips into Kokichi, just feeling himself get riled up and excited. 

“...Can I tell you one I’m a little embarrassed about?” Kaito asked, after a series of hungry kisses, giving Kokichi a sheepish grin. “You don’t have to consider it. It just keeps showing up in my daydreams. It can be a daydream thing.”

“...S~oooo,” Kaito laughed nervously, “I think I told you once that I turned down something Korekiyo asked me for, once, cause I was worried I’d get into it and it would start a bunch of new, uncomfortable rumors for me? Uh… you just… you were so cute making that little ‘nyaa’ sound… you know what ‘pet play’ is?”

“Nm… Maybe there’s somethin’ similar, but I’m gonna veto keeping anything frozen on your body for an extended amount of time,” Kokichi hummed, nosing against Kaito’s cheek. “Not even just ‘cause I don’t like temperature play, but…it’s dangerous. Even if we choose something more intense, I don’t want you or Shuu-chan to get hurt. Or me, for that matter.”

Kokichi smirked a little as he felt Kaito rock against his hips and he tightened his arm around Kaito’s shoulders, keeping himself more upright as he pressed his body against Kaito’s. He…still wasn’t entirely sure if they were going to do anything, but…it was fun, just messing around a little. And he definitely had no complaints about making sure Kaito got his fun in, even if Kokichi didn’t get there himself. 

As Kaito talked, Kokichi kissed down his neck, pausing at the junction of his shoulder as he thought for a moment. “...sorta? I mean, I kinda get the context… I dunno if I’d be comfortable acting like your pet, though…”

“...is it more the power dynamic part that’s caught your attention, or the animal stuff?”

Kaito laughed, rolling his eyes at himself, stilling a little and leaning in to let Kokichi kiss more easily, “I mean, everything is a ‘little’ bit about power dynamics to me. But, no… it was actually the fun dildo part, that got my attention back then? Korekiyo bought me this dildo that, if he had put it in, was supposed to make it look like a dog tail? He wanted that, a collar, and a leash… and I chickened out before we got started. It was a little too embarrassing…”

“That said? I said no when he asked me. I’d get it if you said no too. Fuck, with Miyako around, who the hell knows when we’d ever even have time to go buy you the dildo,” Kaito sighed, considering the logistics of being both kinky and raisng an infant, “Cute, sexy Kitty-Kokichi can just be firmly in one corner of my dirty mind… right there with ‘old school harem’ Kokichi, ‘Tyrant Prince’ Kokichi, ‘elaborately developed society of hunted wild ‘Kichi’s’ Kokichi… ‘cute father of mermaid children in overalls’ Kokichi….”

Again, mentally Kaito drifted away. Lost in a sea of specialized Kokichi daydreams. “...man, I really like fucking you.” Kaito realized, grinning at Kokichi, something both sweet and primal in it, adoration mixed with predatory fixation, “I get fixated on you… you drive me wild… I wanna drain this water and put you on your back… or pick you up and fuck you against the wall… shit, we’d need a cushion, all of that is too hard on your joints. Damn… maybe I’ll just rub against you…”

Kaito’s eyes were hyper focused, totally lost in this thought process as he considered the different ways to potentially fuck Kokichi… before he blinked. The haze lifting as he said, “Wait, we were talking about something.”

A specialized dildo? Hmm… And Kaito had said he liked Kokichi making cat sounds…

Kokichi flushed as Kaito rambled about some of his fantasies, particularly the last one there. Well…he wasn’t wholly surprised that ended up being a fantasy. It was…kind of a particularly weird one, but dreams were like that. 

The look in Kaito’s eyes did nothing to cool his flush, only igniting a flame in his belly. Because for however much a look like that flustered him, he didn’t want Kaito’s gaze anywhere else. (Except for Shuuichi, of course, but Shuuichi would always be taken into account.)

More mouthing against Kaito than kissing him, Kokichi huffed a short laugh as Kaito came back to himself. “...I dunno about a leash. But I think it’d be fun to try a specialty dildo like that, especially if it’d make you happy. Could get cat ears too.”

“...I think we’d have to try it, for me to really get an opinion. But…even if it doesn’t do much for me on its own?” Kokichi smiled sweetly before rocking his hips forward, rolling them against Kaito’s. “See you hot and bothered and pleased makes me more than into it.”

“Sometime when Shuu-chan’s watchin’ Miya, like now, we could head to a sex shop. See if they have something like that, or see if there’s anything else interesting. Yeah?”

Kaito lit up, grinning at the mental image. Awwww… “I have to warn you? If we get you into kitty ears and a cat tail and maybe, like… ooooh, like a little bow with a bell on it… I may get too distracted by how cute you are to ravish you. Like, it’s a serious possibility. I have a ‘too cute to fuck’ scale that you, ‘Kichi, are always dangerously on the verge of tipping over.”

Kaito looked down at Kokichi, gaze entirely appraising… before placing a gentle little kiss against Kokichi’s nose. “Wait right here, beautiful.”

Gently pulling away to not accidentally stretch or twist Kokichi’s leg in any uncomfortable way, once he was free he got out of the tub, heading to the door. Peeking it open, he said, “Psssst. Shuichi… Shuichi–”

“Yes, Kaito, I see you. What?” Shuichi asked, finishing changing Miyako’s diaper as she sucked contently at her pacifier, looking at his face curiously. 

“Heeeeey, handsome… could you grab the… l-u-b–”

“Are you spelling?”

“I don’t wanna say it in front of Miya–”

“So you’re spelling? She doesn’t know words.”

“Handsome, please, I am too h-o-r-n-y to argue with you, so please get me the l-u-b-e and also a c-u-s-h-i–”

“Why are you spelling cushion?”

“Please.”

“You started talking about this, saying that I was cute,” Kokichi laughed. “And you get flustered over me a lot, but then sometimes are totally fine gettin’ down just a little later. We can find the boundaries together…I don’t mind a little experimentation~”

Stealing one kiss before he could pull back, Kokichi let Kaito escape without any further protest, stretching out luxuriantly under the warm water. He couldn’t help but laugh a little at Kaito trying to get prepared without saying anything in front of their ‘barely understands any concepts at all’ daughter, but…he was excited. It had been a bit. 

…in the water? Or against the wall, close to their first time doing anything in the bathroom? Kokichi wouldn’t really wanna get a cushion wet, especially with the blue-green dye in the water, but…

Kokichi eyed his husband with an eager, playful look, letting himself rake his gaze over Kaito’s body. …really. Sometimes he really couldn’t believe how he’d managed to snag such a hottie. All the painterly contours of his back, and those thighs…Kokichi knew the power they had. He still thought Shuuichi had the nicest behind out of all of them, but Kaito’s was nothing to scoff at either…

Slowly, Kokichi reached under the water to start stroking himself, getting a little bit of life into his dick. 

Shuichi took a few more teasing shots at Kaito (“Do you want a c-o-n-d-o–” “Shuichi, I am literally castrated, please, it’s cold out here, don’t make me hang at this door all day.”) before finally giving him the lube and a decorative pillow that at some point someone had put in the corner of the room and no one had ever put back on the bed. It was purple. It had little tassel things on the corners. Kaito was looking forward to destroying it.

Considering the pillows and lube, Kaito put them down, before heading back to th door, “Shuichi! One more thing… uh, yeah, exactly. Thank you handsome! I love you, you’re incredibly sexy, I can’t wait to f-u-c-k you the next time we can, okay, love you,”

Closing the door, Kaito put the Abomination on the sink, considering the lantern, “...should I turn this off? I put it on when I thought we were relaxing. I really did just bring you in here to relax,” Kaito laughed, “Can we fuck to cutsey mood lighting and piano music?”

Kokichi raised an eyebrow as he saw Shuuichi hand over their vibrator wand, wondering what idea Kaito had gotten into his head. Nothing he could think of seemed off-putting, though, and he could only watch Kaito gather supplies with interest. 

Slowly moving through the water--leaving very cool swirls of glitter and color in his wake--to lean against the outer rim, Kokichi looked up at Kaito with a lazy, pleased expression as he palmed himself. “We probably could, but considering it’s a gift for our daughter, I think I’d rather not. Shame it’s too dark in here without the lights on at all…”

“...so no condom, huh,” Kokichi said after a moment with a grin. “Am I getting a treat today, or a tease?”

“Babe, how cruel do you think I am?” Kaito asked, giving him a mildly startled look, before grinning, holding up the lube casing as he said, “You think I’d ask for this guy if I was planning to just tease? So long as you’re into it, I’m giving the full service experience today! …”

Kaito frowned, looking at the abomination. “...So, Miu said this was water proof, and that the electric current isn’t stronger than a ‘startle’ anyway, but… let me do something real quick just to make certain, worse comes to worse, that this won’t hurt you. Could you get out of the tub real quick?”

“Hm, you can be real cruel, sometimes. You always give me what I want, granted, but the path to get there?” Kokichi smirked coyly at his husband, shrugging his shoulders a little. “Torturously windy at points.”

Still, Kokichi tempered his smile as he nodded and got out of the tub, not bothering to hide the semi he’d worked himself up to. He knew Kaito’d appreciate it. While it didn’t look like his skin was dyed, there was still a light stain of blue from the residual water still clinging to his body, and Kokichi looked on with approval as he saw himself shimmer in the dim light, the sparkles happily adhering themselves to him allllll over. 

“...it was ages ago that we all hung out in here with the vibrator, huh,” Kokichi hummed, his mind bringing up a similar situation. “I miss doing that… Just getting kiss-y and intimate with you guys all casually.”

“I like just making out with you babe, honestly I was only planning to make out with you earlier… I just got too caught up,” Kaito laughed, eyes lighting up a little at the obvious signs of Kokichi also getting caught up, not to mention, “...wow. We need to use bath bombs more often… sorry! Distracted.” 

Shaking his head at himself, Kaito stepped back into the bath, sitting down and finicking with the electric locking mechanism, before taking a steadying, nervous breath. “Look, Miu said this was safe, but I just wanna test it on myself in case it happens by accident. But it’s supposed to be fine, so…”

Kaito braced himself, put the abomination under the water, and then pushed the button… and let out a relieved breath. Pushing the button a few more times at different angles, Kaito said (with some relief), “Alright, the taser thing won’t go off by accident. She said it’d be safe even if it did go off, but that I’m leeesss willing to test on myself…” Kaito’s brow furrowed, “Should I? Just in case? This thing is going to be inside you, I don't want to risk hurting you… it’d be safer to test it on myself first, for a worst case scenario…”

Somewhere, Denji was snickering to themselves, getting the feeling that they had just won another battle in an ongoing war. Kokichi was going to take care of the nice skin he’d been blessed with whether he liked it or not!

If Miu had sent an invention out to other people, Kokichi trusted her to have tested and quality checked things enough that there wouldn’t be catastrophic accidents or malfunctions, but even so, he watched carefully as Kaito tested the lock. And…that was satisfactory for him, but…

It was going inside him????

Kokichi felt a rush of saliva from the back of his jaw, his eyes widening slightly as he regarded the vibrator with renewed interest. But he managed to shake himself and meet Kaito’s eyes again. “I mean…if you’re not comfortable testing it, then let’s just agree to not flip the switch, yeah? Personally I wouldn’t be thrilled getting a shock from inside me.” Kokichi paused there before leaning over Kaito’s shoulder with a grin. “Unless it’s you there, of course. Kai-chan always manages to surprise me.”

“Nooooo, no shocks for my ‘Kichi. I’m vetoing that particular kink. I don’t want to be shocked, and I am not shocking either you or Shuichi.” Kaito said firmly, triple checking the lock before placing the vibrator onto the tub edge, getting up and heading to grab the lube, though he stopped to give Kokichi a quick kiss as he went, “You can go back in now, beautiful. Just didn’t want you in the water in case the worst happened.”

Kicking the cushion to the outside of the tub, Kaito popped open the lube, before musing to himself, “I wish I had a mid-range dildo to better prep you… we’ll make do. It’ll be okay.”

He seemed to mostly be talking to himself, before bringing the lube to the side of the tub and sliding back in himself (after taking a moment to admire how Kokichi looked sitting in the shimmering water) he said, specifically to Kokichi now, “Alright, so, kink negotiation time, otherwise known as my favorite sexy-time activity: boundaries talk! You ready?”

“Very, very fair and acceptable. No electricity in the bedroom.” Kokichi nodded firmly, pressing into Kaito’s kiss for a moment before sinking back into the water, sighing happily at the return to the warmth. Though it was hot outside, it was a different kind of pleasant, having a warm bath. 

Kokichi swirled some of the water around, flushing lightly at Kaito’s musings. It…did seem like a jump from Kaito’s fingers to the vibrator, for however full he felt when Kaito fingered him. But…he trusted his husband, and he could trust himself. They’d be careful and thorough, and everyone would have a nice time. 

Stretching back against the side of the tub--and choosing not to tease by touching himself again--Kokichi nodded, smiling warmly at his husband. “Ready. All the usual stuff with me--wanting to be able to reciprocate though I do like when you hold me down, and all that stuff…” After a moment, Kokichi’s eyes flicked down to the water. “...as hot as it sounds, I don’t think I should…do any breath stuff if I’m underwater. There’s too much that could go wrong, and even having to come up and sputter water for a bit sounds like it’d put me out of the mood.”

“Very, very fair and acceptable. I think that would be ‘water play’?” Kaito mused, not having ever done that one himself, “And yeah, drowning someone to get off sounds terrible. That would have made me nervous to do anyway. Totally agree.”

“My usual stuff, no, like, really bad insults and don’t hit me, no shock stuff, all that good stuff.” Kaito mused, looking at the vibrator, before saying brightly, “So, here’s my plan! And I’m telling you beforehand to give you the chance to tell me I’m out of my mind… though, honestly?”

Kaito laughed, looking a little sheepish as he admitted, “I’m only offering this because I genuinely think you’d love it, and I feel like our last few times together were… kinda one sided to my benefit? I know you enjoyed it too, but the last two things we did were very much mostly about me getting my rocks off, and that’s not fair. My ‘Kichi should get to do all the fun stuff he wants or hasn’t tried yet… and I’ll be honest, I’ve been wary of this thing ‘replacing’ me since we got it.” Kaito huffed, waving the abomination around a bit with obvious displeasure, “These things can feel amazing, and its head is bigger than me… it’s basically a better version of my dick. Well, in some respects. I like to think I offer other things, like… warmth? And cum. You do seem to enjoy getting all hot and wet inside…”

Kaito chuckled, before turning on the vibrate function– zZZZZZZ!-- and tapping it against the side of the tub as he gave Kokichi a dry look, “But this thing can vibrate on your prostate, and fuck, babe, that is tough to compete with. It’ll be a challenge to get in there, but it’ll feel amazing… you up to that? Even knowing it’s going to forever ruin your Kaito favoritism?”

Honestly, Kokichi was a little surprised he wasn’t more bothered by the idea of, well, water play, he guessed. He was incredibly wary about drowning as, like, a concept in general, considering his history, and it was weird enough he enjoyed getting breathless. He supposed he should just be thankful it was something just on the disliked side of neutral, and that getting down in the bath wasn’t going to be an issue. 

He was really looking forward to this. 

Just…like any time, really. Kokichi’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “Hun… I mean…I know you know I enjoyed them, ‘cause you just said it, but… It’s like what you’ve said. I love being able to make you feel good, and take care of you. The last times haven’t been lacking anything.”

“...though you know I won’t complain about getting closer.” Kokichi shivered a little as Kaito tapped the vibrator against the side of the tub, the sudden increase of sound both startling and revving his anticipation. And the thought of that up against his prostate? Kokichi flushed deeper, feeling his dick twitch in interest. 

Licking his lips before pouting at Kaito, Kokichi huffed. “You’re always going to be my favorite. No matter how advanced a machine is, it’s not the same as the guy I love, you know? So…” Kokichi’s brows furrowed for just a moment. “...are you not gonna be in me?”

Kaito snickered, “Babe, I’m already competing with sweets, Shuichi, and Miyako to be your favorite, and I’m pretty sure I’m losing to sweets… Miyako and Shuichi too, but that’s more emotionally than… wait, this joke came out wrong, it went to a weird place… okay, scrape that!” Kaito said, waving his hand in the air like he could erase the words from, hypothetically, a document of some sort, but he couldn’t so he just has to live with it, “I’m still, sexually, competing with sweets and Shuichi, and think I’m… well, no, you don’t really do sexual stuff with sweets, that’s more Shuichi’s thing… can I even claim to be beating Shuichi at sex, that guy is vesatile and his dick could bludgen people to death, not to mention he’s got that ass and, I’m sorry, but I really do love his chest, which I only don’t take advantage of because I know he’s not thrilled with it…”

Kaito paused his rambling, frowning, “...what was I talking about? Being your favorite dick! Being favorite sexy time! Elite-sexiness! That’s what I was talking about. So… no, wait, there was a different point… oh! Will I be in you!” 

Kaito shook his head, laughing at himself a little as he scooted closer to Kokichi, petting his legs a little as he rested his head against Kokichi’s knee, kissing it gently as he said, “I mean, I want to finish in you babe, but it might be me, like… mostly taking care of myself while you’re spent. Which is fine! Again, I want to do something fun mostly meant with you in mind.” Kaito looked up at Kokichi, kissing his knees more before smirking at him, “And, you know me… I can get a little mindless, chasing my high. I’ll probably get off either way. Might paint you even more pretty colors than you already are. Add some white…”

Kokichi shook his head a little, letting a bit of seriousness seep into his expression. “It’s all good jokin’ around, but…I love you, in general, emotionally, and sexually, and there’s no competition. Love isn’t finite, and there are no rankings.”

“Shuu-chan is great at sex and so are you, and nothing else even comes close to you two,” he finished with a nod. 

Giggling, Kokichi snuggled closer to Kaito, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. “I mean…that’s something I like too. But…this’ll be fun. Every time is fun, and I trust you.”

But though he trusted Kaito, it didn’t mean he was going to be passive the whole time. With all that said, Kokichi braced his leg against the bottom of the bath before gently swinging himself around Kaito, semi-straddling him and bowing his back to capture Kaito’s lips, looping his arms around his shoulders. 

They had some cool stuff on the docket, but Kokichi really wanted to get some making out in.

“Mph!” Kaito hmphed, before happily relaxing into the kiss. Mmmm, his lap was full of naked ‘Kichi… this was turning out to be a fantastic bathtime… and it’d still kill time and be relaxing! Eventually relaxing. So, goal achieved! 

Wrapping his arms around Kokichi, Kaito kissed him back, unable to help breaking the occasional kiss with a happy little laugh, before pressing his forehead against Kokichi’s, “I love you. Did you know that? I love how you feel in my arms,” Kaito kissed Kokichi deeply, breathing in his taste, pressing his chest against his own as he sighed out in one exhale, “and how sweet you are… and how surprising you can be. Life with you is exciting…”

Kaito kissed up Kokichi’s jaw, kissing at the edge of his ear before whispering with a grin, “and fun. You’re an adventure, babe.”

Kokichi tilted his head to the side, encouraging Kaito to keep up his kisses, though he couldn’t help pressing forward to kiss whatever he could get his lips on. “I love you too,” he murmured with a grin, closing his eyes to better appreciate Kaito’s hands on him. “Hun… You’re an adventure I’m so…so pumped to be able to be on for the rest of our lives. Every day I get to wake up and see you…how does that not sound like it’s too good to be true? And yet?”

Briefly, ever so gently, Kokichi craned his neck to press a light kiss to the back of Kaito’s jaw, leaning even more forward to nip at his ear before relaxing back. “And yet, it’s reality. A wonderful, amazing, exciting, lovely reality.”

“I love you…” Kokichi sighed softly, relaxing himself down more as Kaito allowed him into his lap, slotting their hips together.

“Ha!” Kaito shook his head, pulling Kokichi in tighter, just wanting him close as his husband nipped at his ear, before feeling Kokichi relax and letting him draw back. Giving him an adoring look, Kaito chuckled, “We’re saps. You know that right? This is why Maki makes fun of us all the time.”

Kokichi snorted, mirroring Kaito’s adoration right back at him. “I’m fully aware. And she has all the right to tease us, but…I don’t really care. You make me happy, and I like letting you know that. She’ll show it differently, ‘cause she’s Maki-chan, but I hope she finds someone that fills her with incredible lightness and ease and exuberance too. This…this is something people should feel, you know? It’s like…peak moments of life, being in love.”

He’d long believed that interpersonal connections were what made life life, but…deep, boundless, unconditional love? That was undoubtedly the thing that made people sing out expressions of pure life. People made their own reasons for being, but…more and more, Kokichi was starting to believe that people were meant to love.

“Fuck, whoever Maki finds, I need them to be, like… hypercompitent.” Kaito sighed, interlocking his fingers with Kokichi and leaning forward to place small, gentle kisses around his thin shoulders, “Maki needs someone who will make her life easier… someone who wants to take care of her. She puts too much of herself in this idea of saving everyone else, and now that she’s not doing that anymore? I’m worried about her… I’ve never seen her do this before. Like, do nothing before. She seems fine, but sometimes I think maybe…”

Kaito sighed, pressing his forehead into Kokchi’s shoulder before leaning back, giving Kokichi an apologetic look, “Sorry, that’s not super sexy talk. I just worry about our Maki. I spend half my time wanting to punch her and the other half wanting to solve all her problems. It’s… tough. I can’t help but think if she was dating again, it’d like, I don’t know… not solve all her problems, but maybe make it easier to confront them, knowing she’s got something good to look forward to later? Or maybe that’s just me looking for a quick-fix.” Kaito admitted, rolling his eyes.

Kokichi nodded softly, reaching up to gently run his fingers through Kaito’s hair. If Maki decided to try dating, and wanted to find a partner out of it, then that person couldn’t be just another person for her to take care of. She’d likely have that impulse regardless, if she actually liked them, and it would be a good sign if they trusted her enough to rely on her but…they needed to be able to stand strongly on their own. They needed to be able to step up and help and take care of Maki, both when she needed it, and when she didn’t want it. Not encroaching on her autonomy, but…doing the small things without being asked to. Someone who’d dote on her--an image of being ready with a sports drink after an intense workout, not discussed before came to mind. 

Smiling, Kokichi kissed Kaito’s cheek. “We’ve never been particularly good at staying on a given mood or topic. And I worry about Maki-chan too.”

“She’s needed this time to ‘do nothing’,” he started with a slight frown. “She’s needed time to reset herself without having to be in crisis mode… And I bet having some down time to get steady footing in her relationships with all of us is good for her too. I…I am worried about her getting restless, not being able to choose where to put her efforts when she is ready to devote herself to something again… But…I still don’t think she’s at that point yet, even if she’s getting there.”

“...I do think having more people in her life would help, though. Not just like all her siblings, who do bring her joy, but…they come with a lot of responsibility too.” Sighing, Kokichi rested his head on Kaito’s shoulder, kissing gently at his skin. “...you’re right. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a romantic partner, but…I think having someone else in her life that…she’s not responsible for, and that she can trust to take care of themself…and even if she wouldn’t acknowledge it, could take care of her, too… I think that would be good for Maki-chan. But…she’s still feeling out what life is like now, and…I trust her to start looking when she’s ready to.”

“Yeah. Exactly. All of that.” Kaito nodded, Kokichi having summed up what Kaito himself was hoping for with Maki neatly, giving him a small kiss, then another… and then saying all in one breath, “Also-she-really-needs-to-get-laid-or-she’s-gonna-jump-me-at-some-point.”

Leaning back, Kaito gave Kokichi a genuinely worried look. “Don’t be mad at her, she hasn’t tried anything yet. I just recognize this pattern, we’ve been doing this cycle our whole lives. Maki’s dealing with another bout of crush on me, I can tell. And, like… nothing is going to happen. But I haven't known how to talk to you about it. It’s definitely a thing… I’m sorry. Things are always complicated with me and Maki. But there’s nothing you actually have to worry about… sorry.”

Kokichi leaned back as well, lifting an eyebrow. Honestly, he didn’t think Maki would. Even if her crush on Kaito got pretty heavy…she loved Shuuichi and Kokichi too. And she knew how furious and devastated they’d be if she tried anything. Feelings were feelings, but Maki cared enough not to act on them. 

Nodding slowly, Kokichi offered Kaito a small smile, stroking the back of his head to hopefully ease some of his concern. “Alright. Thanks for letting me know. As long as nothing comes from it, I’m alright with Maki-chan having a crush on you…and I trust you both enough to feel secure in believing that nothing will come from it.”

Kokichi leaned in to give Kaito a soft, but long kiss, smiling at him softly again. “...and if the physical stuff gets too much, we can bug Denji-chan into talking about the strip club more. Dunno if Maki-chan would be interested, but it’s still an option.”

Kaito relaxed a little, closing his eyes at the kiss before smirking. “Pfffff, why didn’t that occur to me? Next time Maki looks like she wants to kill me– which is usually one of the signs she’s fighting a crush on me– I’m just gonna tell her to go fume at the strip club for awhile, refocus that energy. Actually, all joking aside, that might not be a terrible idea… do you think we can send Shuichi with her? Shuichi’s not gonna get tempted by anything at a strip club, I don’t think, and he could maybe play wingman…”

Kaito’s gaze was a bit off, clearly actually thinking this through, weighing the pros and cons of the idea… before snorting. “I literally have my sexy naked husband on my lap and I’m distracted trying to think of ways to get my best friend laid. The fuck is wrong with me?” Kaito untangled his hands from Kokichi and wrapped his arms around his husbands waist, drawing him into a deep kiss, nipping at his tongue before saying softly, “Sorry. I got sidetracked. You’re all I want to think about right now.”

Kokichi giggled quietly, just kind of…endeared with Kaito’s plan. That was something he knew they had in common to the point of folly--he and Kaito always wanted to help others. Particularly the people they loved, and even when there was nothing specifically to help, or nothing with something they were able to do. It was just…a need born from love. 

Snorting, Kokichi pressed back into the kiss for a moment before cupping Kaito’s face. “Hey. You’re cute. And you getting excited and focused on trying to help our friend is lovely…it’s a Lovely Kaito Thing. ‘Cause there are so many things that it’s its own category now.”

Leaning in, Kokichi placed lingering kisses all over Kaito’s face. “I love you. My lovely, compassionate, cute husband.”

“That is never not going to be weird coming from you,” Kaito grinned, though he happily held still through the flurry of kisses against him, his eyes briefly closing when the kisses got close to them, but otherwise just watching Kokichi with a soft, easy adoration. “‘Rugged’, babe. ‘Rippling and toned’, maybe. ‘Sex-appeal walking’ would also be acceptable. Cute? Gotta get your eyes checked. Pretty, amethyst eyes…”

Kaito placed his hands on top of Kokichi’s against his face, closing his eyes and humming happily at the little kisses… before his eyes opened and focused. Running his hands down Kokichi’s arms and then gripping around his thin forearms, pulling him in for a long, deep kiss. Hungry. Kissing Kokichi like his husband was holding a breath that Kaito desperately needed for himself, the water rippling around them as the bathroom echoed back their small breaths and the little sounds of tongues and lips.

“Fuck,” Kaito said after a moment, talking against Kokichi’s bottom lip, “I hope these walls are thick. I wanna make you scream.”

“So cute. Adorable.” Sure, Kaito was that other stuff too, but that just described physical appearance. The way Kaito lit up when he was excited, the way he fawned over people, the way he got so focused on things… Kaito was cute. And there was no denying that. 

Kokichi easily leaned in when Kaito wanted a more serious kiss, his adoration smoothing as he got lost in the kiss, the breath stolen from him in the best ways, just as Kaito always managed. He pressed his body closer to his husband, squeezing his thighs around Kaito’s and pressing their crotches together, even their chatting interlude not enough to have lost him the slight excitement he’d worked himself up to before. 

Smiling against Kaito’s lips, Kokichi captured his top one for a moment before snorting softly. “Shuu-chan might just tell us to shut up… Wanna see how loud we can get before he does? Maybe we’d even be able to entice him enough to skip the scolding…”

“Pfff, you tease.” Kaito laughed, “Knowing my luck? All we’d entice is him putting me on my knees later to help with the buildup real quick… cause I’m a very lucky guy. Who has two very, very sexy partners.”

One of said partners who very much needed to get thoroughly fucked soon. Alright, now how to go about this. Kaito considered the water, before shifting beneath Kokichi, reaching over to turn on the warm water and unplug the blockage. They wanted the water to stay warm throughout this, but Kaito didn’t want to struggle with too much water, especially when Kokichi was going to end up boneless. No accidental water-play. There just wasn’t going to be enough water to submerge him.

When the water had drained enough, mixing with the newly falling hot water, Kaito plugged it up again, kissing Kokichi while he was waiting. The water plugged up again, Kaito was pleased to see the bathbalm hadn’t lost its effect in the tradeoff, the water still shimmering that almost unearthly aqua color, Kokichi himself slightly painted in that same glow. For just being his husband in a low-filled bath, it honestly looked like a painting to Kaito, the sort of thing you’d put in the halls leading to the temples, if not the temples themselves. The sort of ethereal eroticism Atua paintings were known for.

“What are the odds I could convince you to make me a sexy painting of yourself?” Kaito mused, before glancing down at the cushion by the tub and asking, “Also, this pillow wouldn’t happen to be, like… some beloved childhood heirloom or something? Your mothers last embroidered gift to you? The pillow you slept on as a infant? Your first wanking pillow? Anything with a sentimental value like that?”

Hell, that’d be more than Shuuichi had wanted in a while. Kokichi never wanted to rush Shuuichi, but…the day he felt comfortable and excited enough to do something with them again? Kokichi would be more than pleased. 

Kokichi frowned slightly as he saw Kaito start to drain and refill the bath. It made sense to keep the warmth and not flood their bathroom, but…he was really enjoying the bath bomb and… Oh! To his surprise, even as Kaito turned the water off, the color still stuck around. Maybe not quite as vibrant, but it was still very nice. 

…which probably meant that it was going to be a pain to clean later. 

Looking up in slight confusion, Kokichi blushed, ‘zero’ right on his lips, but… He flushed harder. “...maybe for your birthday, if that’s something you want… But no one but you an’ Shuu-chan would be allowed to see it, alright? If I made something like that…”

“...and no, but I’d really rather not destroy one of our pillows…” Kokichi’s lower lip stuck out a little as he regarded the pillow. “...so you think we’d be able to clean it alright? It…It looks dark enough that it wouldn’t stain in a bad way…”

Kaito nodded, “Me, you, Shuichi, Waku, anyone who visits my shrine… kidding~” Kaito grinned, both liking and feeling a little guilty that he liked seeing Kokichi’s face redden in embarrassment at the idea. Cute. “It’d be something just for me, that I’d tuck away in my shrine somewhere and look at when I’m feeling… spiritual. Ideally I’d have one of both of you, but Shuichi’s easier to lure into the shrine himself, so we could just like… hang a sexy picture of you up when we’re getting into a more physical prayer, have you there with us in spirit, talk about how sexy you are… man, I was kinda joking to start with, but now I actually kinda want that.” Kaito admitted, before considering the cushion.

“It might turn out a darker shade of purple overall. And we’d super have to wash it for the things I have in mind.” Kaito admitted, looking it over before shrugging, “We don’t have to use it, but we could either use it to keep your head comfortably above the water when you’re on your back, or to not hurt your knees or chest, based on how opening you up goes. I just don’t want your body to hurt while we’re prepping you, beautiful, but if you think you’d be okay, we don’t have to use it at all.”

Kaito picked up the abomination, before taking Kokichi’s hand and placing it around the bulbous, vibrating front side, “See that? See how wide that is? Compare that? To this?” Kaito grinned, taking Kokichi’s hand and moving it down, placing his fingers and palm around the head of Kaito’s (admittedly not full size, but Kaito’s comparison point still stood) dick, “That’s gonna take more time, and all that time is going to be in a hard tub. You’ll be glad to have something soft after a while.”

“...hey, so… since your hands there anyway~” Kaito sang-songed, smirking at Kokichi as he rubbed his dick around Kokichi’s hands a little.

Kokichi groaned as he lit up even more, hiding his face against Kaito’s shoulder for a moment. Even just joking about it made something drop uncomfortably in his stomach. The concept of sex and him just…didn’t belong within two hundred mental feet of each other except for Kaito and Shuuichi. It’d be hard enough even painting the damn thing… He could use his own body for reference, sure, but…for posing and structure references? He wasn’t exactly built like most of the muses he’d seen in art history. It was gonna force him to really consider himself, and it was only because Kokichi loved Kaito dearly that he’d attempt it. 

Frowning a little more (and flushing at the implications of what Kaito had planned), Kokichi didn’t think it’d be that uncomfortable to kneel in the bath for a while, but…

The vibrator. Kaito’s dick. Even if he’d closed his eyes and only compared by touch…there was a notable difference. …it wouldn’t be…that long…right?

Sighing, Kokichi glanced up at his husband through his eyelashes before smirking and bringing over his other hand, starting to gently stroke Kaito’s cock, trying to coax it more upward. “Smooth.”

“...I’ll let you know if I start getting uncomfortable.”

“I like to think I am,” Kaito pseudo-bragged, letting his hand fall away now that Kokichi was taking up the workload and using his now free hand to rub up and down Kokichi’s thighs. “Alright, if you’re sure… the pillow will live to see another day.” Maybe. 

Kaito watched Kokichi’s face as he worked on him, studying all the little shifts in his expression, letting himself think about what each one could mean as Kokichi’s small, delicate fingers massaged him. He wondered if Kokichi thought entirely about him during stuff like this, or if his mind ever wandered. Not even to other men, just in general. Kaito supposed he wouldn’t mind if that was the case, he just wondered it idly. In a lot of ways, Kokichi was still a mystery to him. Kaito rarely felt like he could guess what Kokichi was thinking. It was why his husband took him by surprise so often. He wondered if Kokichi could ever accurately guess what Kaito was thinking, and if not, what did he think Kaito was thinking? He wondered who Kokichi thought Kaito was.

He wondered if Kokichi noticed the new way he was shaving his pubic hair these days?

He had decided to get creative and try to outline it into a triangle one recent morning when had had way too much time on his hands and decided to spend it in the bathroom. He had basically failed, but it still had some interesting angles to it! Short, too. He had put conditioner on it, to see if it made it soft. Kaito had had waaaaay too much time the other day.

Kaito laughed, unable to help himself, then immediately looked sheepish, “Sorry, sorry, the handjob is great! I thought of something funny, totally unrelated. You’re doing great, beautiful!”

Hopefully many more days, even if they ended up using it. Kokichi wasn’t sure where it had come from--or even if it had been a gift, or if someone just forgot it in their room--but…it was a nice pillow. The embroidered beads were pretty. 

He knew Kaito wasn’t…quite as attached to items as he was. There were things he valued, of course, and Kaito wasn’t thoughtlessly rough with things, and…honestly, Kokichi figured it was probably him being overly attached rather than the other way around. There was a guilty part of him that figured that he’d had practice in letting go, considering all the things he’d had to leave behind in Luminary, knowing that they weren’t going to be shipped later. 

…did that make him materialistic? That he cared so much. It made something in Kokichi’s chest hurt, thinking about his belongings being…destroyed, or left behind. People mattered a hell of a lot more, and Kokichi would never let his feelings for an object impede him from helping a person who was having an actual problem. But…he didn’t know. Maybe it was something to talk to his therapist about…

Definitely not the sexiest thoughts to think while giving your husband a handjob. 

Smirking a little at himself, Kokichi regrouped his efforts, focusing more on bringing Kaito pleasure--being a little more handsy by his base, giving his head a gentle squeeze on the uptake, letting his fingers splay out on Kaito’s pelvis… Was he shaving differently these days?

Glancing up at Kaito’s laugh, Kokichi relaxed more and circled his thumb around Kaito’s hole. “Yeah? I’m glad… What were you thinking about?”

“Stupid shit. Went from ‘profound’ to ‘dumbass’ so quick that I gave myself mental whiplash,” Kaito laughed, before taking a deep breath, closing his eyes, feeling himself start to get warm and what Kaito could always only think of as ‘electric’. “Was trying to guess what you were thinking about, actually. I can never guess with you. Every time I think I have it? I’m always totally off-base. My ‘Kichi is an enigma… a sexy, sexy enigma. With skilled hands… that’s nice…”

Kaito could feel himself starting to get impatient. Starting to want to reject all his grand vibrator plans in favor for a more, uh, physical way to indulge himself with Kokichi. It was sometimes so hard not to be totally selfish during these. If Kaito followed his most base desires, Kokichi would be sucking his dick just long enough to make penetrating easier, and would be twisting and panting beneath Kaito not long after, Kaito taking what he wanted from Kokichi’s body… it was a selfish, possessive impulse. And with that thought, a rush of electricity went from his dick to his spine, his imaginations mixed with Kokichi’s patient handling lighting Kaito up inside…

…okay, good. “That’s good, beautiful.” Kaito said, chewing on his bottom lip a little as he brushed his hand through Kokichi’s hair a bit, “But that’s enough for now, we don’t want to get me too riled up. I’ll get stupid, and we want me clear headed for this… fuck, you’re sexy…” Kaito stared at Kokichi’s hips, something hungry in his gaze. Thin, pretty hips… before he covered his eyes, pinching his temples, “Yeah, getting too riled up. Damn, I’m so easy. Find a position you’d be comfortable being in for a while, Kokichi, any position is fine, we’ll make it work.”

Kokichi gave Kaito a soft look before shaking his head a little. “I was wondering, actually, if you’ve been shaving differently lately? We haven’t exactly been hangin’ out naked, so I wasn’t sure if this is somethin’ you’ve been rockin’ for a while.”

“...but mostly I’m just thinking about how I can make you feel good,” he softly purred, leaning in closer to Kaito. Just a little, his own cock just barely brushing the underside of Kaito’s, his hands holding a little firmer, just the slightest touch faster. He loved watching Kaito breath heavier, trying to keep his sounds to himself, but losing himself to grunts and growls every now and then. Watching his body string itself tight before Kaito couldn’t take it anymore and pounced…

But he still pulled back when Kaito asked him to, surging up to capture his lips again just because. 

“I’m pretty comfy where I am,” he hummed, raising his eyebrows a bit. “Kai-chan is my favorite seat.” A bit more seriously, though, he asked, “Would reaching around me be too hard on your wrist? I can find another position, no problem.”

“Oh, fuck.” Kaito whispered, just under his breath, too distracted by Kokichi’s dick and the mischief in his eyes to properly light up at realizing his husband had noticed. Hell yeah! Kaito’s self grooming habits were worth the (way too long) effort! 

But Kaito gave Kokichi an amused look at the last question. “Determined to put me to work, huh? Alright… let’s see. You’re not exactly tough to reach around–” because of pretty, small hips, “--so let’s see how much we can manage. Let me just…”

Kaito adjusted his legs, moving them beneath himself, giving Kokichi lift above the water as Kaito explained, “We don’t want the lube to run off in the water. Gotta make your ass a slip and slide.”

Putting his fingers in the container of lube, Kaito slicked his fingers generously as he kissed Kokichi, being taking a generous portion of it scooped up into the tips of index and middle finger, Kaito wrapped his arms around Kokichi, his free arm steadying him and his lubed hand spreading that lube just as generously around his hole as Kaito kissed him. 

As Kaito teased his fingers around Kokichi’s hole, he gazed at his husband, “...tell me you want me.”

Sure, Kaito didn’t have to reach out much, but having your arm down with your wrist tilted up, especially if you were going to move it and your fingers around, was a recipe for wrist strain. Kokichi trusted Kaito if he said he was good, so…he just wouldn’t mind demonstrating his hand stretches again later. 

As it ended up being, Kokichi was more or less chest-to-chest with Kaito though his hips were lifted up, canting down and giving his spine a bit of a slope as his ass was perched as much in the air as it could be. Maybe he’d have to stretch out his hips later himself, but for now? It was perfect. 

Steadying himself a little on the tub rim behind Kaito, Kokichi kissed his husband back, giving up little anticipatory sighs as Kaito started lubing up around his hole, excited as ever for what was about to happen. Again, it’d take work from the start, as it’d been a while, but considering that was how most of their romps happened these days, it was just a flavor Kokichi enjoyed. 

So he didn’t have trouble at all complying with Kaito’s request. “I want you,” Kokichi hummed, his eyes dark and glittering. “I love you like this, pressed under me with no space left lonesome. But I love Kai-chan in me even more. You make me feel amazing, and like it’s how things are meant to be… I want you, Kai-chan.”

Kaito flushed, endlessly pleased with that. Maybe it was a silly thing to find arousing, but… Kaito did like to hear Kokichi invite him in. To be exactly what his husband was looking for. It was sexy, to be wanted.

Kaito was gentle, as he slipped a finger in. As he kissed Kokichi, his goal wasn’t really to pleasure Kokichi yet, as he slid his finger in and out. That was made even more immediately apparent by how, not very long after starting, he took his fingers out and grabbed some more lube, lathering them up again before returning to his ask. He had said a slip and slide, and Kaito had meant it. Kaito was not going to hurt Kokichi with a toy. His dick was one thing. Push came to shove, his dick would bend at parts of Kokichi that weren’t ready to stretch. But a toy? Kokichi’s skin would be forced to comply with the shape of the vibrator, and Kaito would be entirely dependent on Kokichi showing warning signs or speaking up if something inside of him was shifting in a way that hurt. Kaito would rather work to make sure Kokichi wouldn’t have too. 

“I wonder,” Kaito mouthed against Kokichi, taking a small break in kisses to catch their breaths as he shifted his finger around, debating with himself if he should push his second finger in yet, “if how much I desire you would surprise you? Like, if you could actually feel it? How I feel when I look at you? When I’m craving and pining for you? I know you know it’s happening, I tell you all about it. I rant about it,” Kaito laughed, rolling his eyes before shifting ever so slightly, just enjoying the feeling of Kokichi’s dick against his stomach, Kaito’s own dick pressed against Kokichi’s backside like it was impatiently waiting in line, “But I wonder if you’d be shocked, at what I actually feel for you? If you could even guess… probably not.”

Kaito pressed the second finger, before deciding he needed more lube, determined to make Kokichi absolutely messy on the inside as he went for more. He knew Kokichi already cleaned himself after sex, but he’d talk to him afterwards about really making sure he was cleaned out after this time. This much lube couldn’t safely sit long term, it’d make Kokichi uncomfortable in the long term. “You know… back at the wedding–”

Kaito hesitated. Maybe this wasn’t talk for literally in the middle of sexy time.

Even with Kaito’s movements more purposeful than pleasurable, Kokichi couldn’t help but breathe heavier against him. He wasn’t sure if it was just the anticipation of what it’d feel like when Kaito did switch into fun-mode, or if he just really did like fingers in his ass that much, but either way, Kokichi’s cheeks were rosy and his smiles came easy in between each kiss. 

“Mmm… I think Shuu-chan and I talked about this once…” Kokichi hummed, catching his breath. “...I know it in a sense. You’ve talked about how you feel, and I can connect with you emotionally… I never doubt that you’re not into me, and that’s not entirely from logic. It’s something I feel.”

“...but…all your feelings? A person’s emotions are unique to them. If I did feel exactly what you feel…” Kokichi laughed softly and placed a few kisses against Kaito’s neck. “I’d probably burst out crying. I wouldn’t know what to do, being able to feel love and desire like that. Then I’d prolly kiss the daylights outta ya.”

Kokichi shuddered as he felt Kaito try for a second finger, feeling his sphincter stretch, and complain about that stretching…but as always, with Kaito’s caution, it felt amazing. 

…it even had that night. 

“...what about it, hun?” Kokichi softly prompted, feeling Kaito’s hesitance. “...you know I always wanna hear your thoughts.”

Kaito still felt foolish that his mind had wandered to a serious topic with his fingers up Kokichi’s ass (again. This was a terrible habit, actually), so he kissed at Kokichi’s neck in apology, trying the second finger again and it sliding in much easier this time, though Kaito’s movements were slow and and accommodating, going nowhere near Kokichi’s prostate (which would be tricky at this angle anyway). 

“I didn’t think much about it at the time, and not for a long time after, but… I worry that I made you feel ashamed of yourself, at the dance. When I noticed you tenting your pretty robe thing? I just… I hope you know I didn’t put my cape over you and try to drag you away from anything because I thought you had done anything wrong. I just didn’t want anyone to stare… but man, when I took you back up to your room?”

Kaito sighed, closing his eyes, “It feels cruel to say it now, considering everything, but seeing you all laid out and wanting, bordered by your robe and my cape… fuck, that was maybe one of th most desperate arousals I’d ever had in my life. I felt feral. I can’t remember ever wanting anything that badly… well, except honestly maybe other times, again, with you. I just… I didn’t realize how insecure you were with me in the beginning. Because how much I wanted you felt like a fucking sun inside me… it never so much as occured to me you couldn’t see it, just… radiating off me.”

Kissing Kokichi’s neck, Kaito said softly, “So I’m sorry I didn’t make that clearer to you, in the beginning. You hadn’t done anything wrong or embarrassing. And I was swooning over you from the beginning. I’m sorry for everything and anything I ever did or said that made you ever consider anything different. You deserved better.”

Kokichi’s eyebrows raised a little, but he let Kaito say his piece. (It let him better relax against Kaito’s fingers anyway.) But when he made his apology, Kokichi curled an arm around his shoulders and held Kaito tight, placing a kiss to his temple. 

“I accept your apology. And while I know we’re not supposed to do this…I will say one thing.” Leaning back a little, Kokichi looked into Kaito’s eyes, somehow serious and adoring and heated all at the same time. “You didn’t make me feel bad when you put your cape over me and helped me back to our room. Really…you did the opposite.”

His gaze softening, Kokichi placed a lingering kiss against Kaito’s lips. “I was so humiliated… I didn’t know what was going on with my body, and I was uncomfortable and worried about Shuu-chan and Maki-chan, and…I just felt wrong.” Kokichi pressed another kiss against Kaito. “But you made me laugh. And you made it seem, if not normal, then that it was still okay. And my body was still freaking out, but…you felt safe, and like someone I could trust with everything. Not just ‘cause you were my new husband, that we’d exchanged vows, but…because you were you. And…for a few days, but especially our wedding day, you proved over and over that you were someone looking out for me, and someone I could trust.”

“It wasn’t the aphrodisiac spurring me on,” Kokichi murmured, blushing a little more as he squirmed around Kaito’s fingers. “I was crazy horny, sure, but…I still asked you to have sex with me. To take care of me. And those thing were things I asked myself, not ‘cause of some dumb drug.”

Sighing, Kokichi closed his eyes for a moment and pressed his forehead to Kaito’s. “...you know how badly I can think of people. I adored you at the start, but…it was because I loved you so much that I thought you wouldn’t want me. You not wanting me was what would hurt the most, so…that’s why my brain came up with all sorts of bogus reasons to make me miserable. Your desire for me was obvious, but even in the face of something that should be inarguable, my brain just said that it was a purely physical thing, or that this was actually middling for you, ‘cause I’d never seen you with anyone else, so you’d be so much more happy with other people that you connected emotionally with too…”

“I barely communicated the surface of that with you, and you tried all the time to show your love in your own love languages. We just…couldn’t communicate with each other. So I got scared and insecure. You never made me feel like that, hun.”

…except for once. But Kaito had already apologized for it.

Hideki had been right about one thing. Kaito would probably spend the rest of his life apologizing for it. The same ‘except for once’ thought running through his mind probably at the exact same moment it had run through Kokichi’s. There were some nerves in Kaito’s mind that would never not spark like a literal electric shock when Kaito’s mind brushed past it. The times he attacked Kokichi, in whatever various way, would always be one of them.

Honestly? Kaito wouldn’t fix that if he could. Some things you just had to live with.

But he ignored the internal wince, forcing himself to focus on the things Kokichi had said. And while some of it was sad, Kaito still smiled, warmed by Kokichi’s reassurances. Though he laughed at one part, giving Kokichi a small kiss as he said, “Yes, I am very aware of how badly you can think of people, at least back then. My ‘Kichi was full of spice. It’s amazing I could kiss you at all, considering how much I struggle with spicy kisses… you know what’s so stupid but so on point for me? As tough as you were, when we met, as much as you could drive me crazy or knock me down or make me fumbling and uncertain… there was a part of me that was attracted to those traits anyway. I think that’s why ‘tyrant Kokichi’ never left my rotation of daydreams.”

Kaito shrugged, before kissing Kokichi… and pulling his fingers out, going to make certain his ring finger was slathered before returning, determined to get three in soon. He smirked against Kokichi’s cheek, feeling his husband shift and huff slightly when he removed his fingers. Always rushing, even when he was being soft and sweet and patient… “I’m helpless, when I’m in love. Even when people are at their literal worst– and I say that with all the love in the world, ‘Kichi, but that was you at your worst– god, I started falling in love with you so soon… I found something attractive and desirable about all of it. All the lows, the fights… and they all made the high’s so much more. When you were happy and pleased with me and looked relaxed, it felt like winning the day at battle. I was always so damn proud every time you were happy… now you make it much easier on your poor Kaito.”

Kaito kissed Kokichi, and said, “And now, these days, I’m much more proud of you, than anything else. You’ve worked so hard to take care of me… it’s almost overwhelming to think about it. You paid me back a thousand-times over… you made everything worth it.”

“...” Kaito grinned, his canines showing, wide and wolfish, “You ready for things to get a little more urgent?”

Honestly, as much as it wasn’t in-character for Kaito, and how much he had desperately needed what his husband had given him, Kokichi kind of wished Kaito had hated him in the early days. Kokichi was trying to be kinder to himself in the past, so he didn’t hate himself, but…he was disappointed. There had been so much love he was capable of expressing--Kokichi knew, because he was expressing it now--that he had just…stowed away and instead tried to be awful towards the people he loved. He had since been forgiven, but…Kokichi knew it would be a long time before he felt like he could counteract those days. 

At least it was nice that Kaito felt like he already had. 

“I’m glad there are more highs and happy days these days,” Kokichi murmured adoringly. “Even if they didn’t scare you off…I don’t want there to be so many lows. I don’t want the highs to feel like an occasion. I want the good days to just…be what’s normal. And then we can have those euphoric days become those treat highs.”

It might make the lows scarier, but…maybe not, when they knew what they would be going back to when things calmed. Kokichi never wanted to be who he was a year ago again. Not for his own sake, and not for all those he loved--they all deserved better. 

Pressing another kiss to Kaito, Kokichi’s eyes widened slightly from where they’d relaxed in adoration before he grinned slyly, his lips twitching as he had to swallow a sudden surge of saliva. “Absolutely, hot stuff.”

“Good… cause I’m going to need you to turn around. I just cannot get all three in deep at this angle,” Kaito admitted, a wide grin on his face, something almost mischievous in it. Playful and excited. 

Gesturing to the wall, Kaito said, “You can stay on my lap, but I need you to brace yourself over there and bend, let me free up both my hands. I know you can do it, cause my ‘Kichi is very good at bending his body and keeping his balance. Something about wanting to be an acrobat? You may have mentioned something about it at one point. Time to put those skills to work, beautiful.” Kaito said, tapping Kokichi’s ass a little and then, gaze still that hint of mischief, slapping one cheek a little harder as he said, “Hop hop, get to it.”

Aw. Kokichi sighed, pouting a little as he canted his hips down a bit, enjoying the feeling of Kaito under him like this. But he’d be even happier with Kaito being able to make good on his promise and making Kokichi moan through the walls. 

Hopefully something happening soon. Kokichi flushed a little more as Kaito lightly spanked him, shifting his legs to get enough leverage to move. 

“Mm, dunno if this is really the application for ‘em,” Kokichi hummed as he started turning around, taking care not to kick Kaito in the stomach. This position, too, seemed like it’d be a little harder on his hips, but just like the last one, Kokichi found he didn’t care. “Though, considering some of my dad’s old stories from his troupe, it might really be an acrobat thing.”

Tipping forward off of Kaito’s legs, Kokichi was keeping most of his weight on his chest and arms, resting on the shower bench--an easier angle than reaching all the way to the wall--and…well. He was a little glad he was facing away, since Kaito couldn’t see his blush when he realized his ass was…up in the air, pretty much level with Kaito’s head. Just…there, open for his husband to see. 

It was horribly embarrassing, but Kokichi still felt his cock throb against his belly.

Kaito grinned wide, looking elated. “How the fuck did I luck out with snagging an amauter acrobat. Do you have any idea how much that’s, like… almost a stereotype, for the kind of partner us horny peeps want? We look at each other and nudge each other in the ribs saying ‘maybe they’re an acrobat, wonder how far they can bend’ and then we all just laugh sadly in a group because who actually finds and lands the sexy acrobat??”

Kaito’s, who had been rubbing Kokichi’s ass and back thighs appreciatively, suddenly lit up, “That’s the kind of exercise I should be needling you to do! Not swimming! We gotta find you some sort of acrobat class or gym or something. Get someone to teach you how to hang off ribbons and those weird circle things that hang off the ceilings of circus tents. That’s gotta be good exercise, and also, that’s sexy as fuck. I’m a genius, only I’m an idiot for not having realized this, like, six months ago already. The fuck, past Kaito?”

Chuckling at himself, Kaito kissed the lower back of Kokichi, where skin dipped down towards his ass, before kissing Kokichi’s ass itself… and laughing at himself again, a little. What? He was in a good mood. He was allowed. 

Then, he focused. Time to get him open for real. “If anything hurts? Tell me babe, that means I need to work the area around it more. Okay…” Kaito pushed three fingers in, the lube enough that his knuckles didn’t drag on the skin, but immediately there was pushback from Kokichi’s walls. Kaito slowed the push, crooking all three fingers to focus on one of Kokichi’s walls, his knuckles pushed on the other ends, the grip around his hand still tight. Kaito could feel Kokichi pulsing around his fingers, and did his best to avoid Kokichi’s prostate still. Once he hit that, trying to make Kokichi wait for the vibrator to fit would almost be cruel…

So he was gonna wait until at least it wouldn’t be cruel for long. “Any pain?” Kaito asked gently, but his tone firm. If Kokichi was mewling against Kaito’s fingers with Kaito intending to fully pleasure him, he’d be more likely to not even notice pain. Avoiding pleasure spots as much as he could would make it easier for Kokichi to tell.

Kokichi snorted and buried his red face in his arms. He wasn’t even really an amateur acrobat… He just knew a few tricks, here and there. And for their sexytime purposes…he was flexible. Somehow even with so many bouts of bedrest, Kokichi had managed to retain (and even improve in some areas) his flexibility. It came in handy, and not just for moments like this. 

“I already don’t even swim,” he muttered, willing his face to calm down even just a little. Though, he had to admit… “...I dunno if there’s a place like that in town… I’ve never seen one. It’d be fun to try out…”

Kimiko would probably be ecstatic too, though there wasn’t a chance he was going to think about the kids while Kaito was three fingers deep in his ass. 

And speaking of that…

It was harder than Kokichi remembered, and probably because he was positive Kaito would normally be cheating and rubbing his prostate or stroking him off in a time like this. He knew they were trying some stuff out, so it didn’t make sense, but…man, he was tight. 

Kokichi carefully controlled his breathing, barely realizing he’d closed his eyes before Kaito called out to him. “...not pain. ‘S jus’...tight. …could you do the curl thing with two first? Might help…”

“Okay, good, that’s perfect. That’s exactly the sort of thing I want to hear from you,” Kaito praised, kissing Kokichi’s lower back again as he carefully pulled his fingers out, putting in two and carefully curling them. There was immediately more room on his end, and Kaito experimented with with pressing a little harder against Kokichi’s walls, starting as deep as he could and then slowly pulling out, before pushing back in, doing that over and over until there wasn’t any resistance against his push. Calm. Purposeful. Not meant to overwhelm Kokichi in any way.

… Fuck Kaito was doing his damn best to ignore Kokichi’s breathing and his little sounds fuck fuck ignore your dick, Kaito, the horniness would lead to ruin. “You’re doing so good.” Kaito reassured, rubbing Kokichi’s back a little with his free hand, before saying, “If I got back to three fingers, do you want more lube?”

It was still difficult, but having that extra room made a world of difference. Even with the firm presses, it was just that nice, slow stretch Kokichi loved. 

And, well…he really loved it. Even if Kaito was avoiding his sweet spot, Kokichi still couldn’t help but wish Kaito’s legs were closer together so he had something to press against, and instead he just muffled breathy pleased sounds into his arm as his cock grew ever harder, curved up in the empty air between Kaito’s knees. 

By the time Kaito asked about adding back his third finger, Kokichi had already narrowly escaped drooling on himself twice, and he was more than ready to break that composure. “Yes, please~” he hummed.

Before considering something. And flushing again. 

“...nyaa,” he belatedly added.

Kaito had just been about to pull out to grab some more lube, before he stilled completely. Literally, just, frozen in shock.

His first instinct was to laugh. But he didn’t, too shocked, it caught in his throat.

And by the time his brain let off its chokehold on him and started letting him ‘person’ again, how fucking funny he had found that was completely overridden by his dick as he just, burning bright red, pulled his hand out but still had the sense to cover his eyes with his none ass hand. 

The sound out of his mouth was unbecoming. Like a distressed, hysterical gurgle. He tried to clear his throat and instead made a similar distressed sound… before he giggled. Then groaned. 

“Oh no I liked that way too much.” Kaito realized, sounding humiliated behind his hand, his whole body cringing into itself, “Oh no.”

It was both way too cute that Kaito almost couldn’t stand it, but not for the sound itself. Just… that Kokichi had wanted to do something nice for him, and had risked doing something like that to make Kaito happy. Auuuuugh. He was freaking out. It had been too cute. “Sorry, give me a second… holy shit babe, warn a guy.”

Kaito took some deep breaths, trying to shake off the overwhelming fluster of ‘cute’... before his eyes hyper focused on Kokichi. A tad too wide, hs arousal suddenly coming in like a flame as the cute affect wore off.

Fuck, his husband was so god damn fuckable.

Dipping his fingers in the lube again–because his husband had wanted it and Kaito even lost in the throes of ‘gotta have him’ wouldn’t deny Kokichi something like that– Kaito went back working on Kokichi’s opening, but there was an immediate difference. His movements were quicker, pushing at the walls a little harder. He still rubbed Kokich’s back soothingly, but that gesture had stripped away a layer of Kaito’s patience. Though even as he did so, he said again, “Speak up, Kokichi… it’s not supposed to hurt. Tell me if it does… and when you’re ready, we’re gonna open you up with the ‘middle dildo’,” he promised, grinning wide. Predatory.

Kokichi couldn’t bear to look over his shoulder, even with the concerning sounds Kaito was making. That was…incredibly cringy. And Kokichi couldn’t even tell if it had been something Kaito liked, so…was it even worth it?? He hoped so. If it made Kaito happy, Kokichi would absolutely cringe it up. 

Thankfully, it wasn’t too long before Kaito cleared things up, and he sounded embarrassed enough that Kokichi managed to peek over his shoulder, feeling his stomach settle into something pleased as he watched his husband fluster. …yeah, he could do that again, if it got Kaito like this.

Smiling softly, that expression was soon ripped from his face as Kaito got back to it with a vengeance. It wasn’t painful, no, but…that was what left Kokichi softly gasping into his arms, feeling himself push against the bench from the renewed force of Kaito’s fingers. He still wasn’t touching his prostate, but even so…

“...hah…ah…nng…” He couldn’t help tightening his thighs around Kaito’s legs, shivering at the tone his husband’s voice took on. “Doesn’t hurt…ah… Shit, Kai-chan…”

“Good, good,” Kaito said, voice low, his eyes heated and focused, an intensity in them that showed how single-minded he had become about this. There was no more room in his brain for idle musings or conversations. There was literally Just Kokichi. 

Kaito felt the tension in Kokichi’s thighs, and knowing that this was about to become the ‘tricky’ part, he shifted all three fingers down, towards Kokichi’s stomach. Very pointedly rubbing at Kokichi’s prostate now, now using his free hand to grip Kokichi’s hips and try to keep them steady. This was the ‘tricky’ part because he knew it was the bit where both Kokich and himself could lose their patience, chasing pleasure. Already, even now, Kaito found himself wanting to abandon the abomination and just take… but no, no, no, as much as Kokichi might grumble about this next bit, what he’d get afterwards would be so good… patience…

As Kaito rubbed and massaged at Kokichi’s prostate, holding his hips still (arms or hips. Never both. But Kaito was allowed one or the other, so long as Kokichi didn’t protest) as he did so, staring at the clear, pretty, sparkly skin of Kokichi’s backside…

Kaito’s eyes practically dilated, and he kissed Kokichi’s back hip area, before biting it firmly, still thoroughly rubbing Kokichi’s prostate as he held the bite for a moment before kissing and licking the mark. Mine.

It was already nice, but Kokichi would swear he blacked out for a moment, his whole body thrumming with electric tension as he moaned loudly against his arms. It was time to cheat, apparently, but Kokichi had no complaints. He could barely even wax poetic, words lost in descriptions of flames in his gut and sparks running through his bones as he shuddered on top of Kaito, helpless to the sweet attack, but yet pressing back against it, always craving more. 

“Ka-ahhh~! Ah! Yes! Kai-chan, p-please!” Kokichi could feel his toes curl against the bottom of the tub, somehow not slipping, though he wasn’t exactly worried about that. Even in the miniscule part of his mind not consumed with pleasure, he knew Kaito would catch him if he fell. There wasn’t even the slightest bit of doubt. 

Kokichi couldn’t even bring himself to be embarrassed he was drooling over his arms as he felt Kaito bite down on his hip, and, true to the teases of greed Kaito always said, Kokichi shuffled one arm off the bench and under himself, desperate for some stimulation for his weeping cock. They had so much more to go but…honestly, Kokichi felt like he could go right then.

Kaito glanced up and looked down the curve of Kokichi’s back with one eye, still soothing the bite, his brow furrowing as he saw the angle Kokichi’s arm had disappeared too. Kaito’s hand stilled, and then gently pulled out, kissing Kokichi’s some more, each kiss trailing up his back as Kaito shifted up, curling around Kokichi’s back as he hugged his waist. 

He kissed the back of Kokichi’s shoulder, each little kiss a declaration of adoration, tasting and soothing every little piece of skin… before he growled into the back of Kokichi’s neck, “Stop.” 

Kokichi had just barely grasped himself, letting out a little gasp of relief, when Kaito shifted. Feeling his husband press himself flush against him only fed the fire burning Kokichi’s body up, but…even awash with desire, he knew what was coming. It was an old hat for them. 

Holding himself more firmly, Kokichi tried to rein himself in before Kaito’s growl sent another wave of shivers through him. “I can’t take it…” he whined, nonetheless reluctantly pulling his hand away. “When you keep cheating like this…I’m gonna lose it. Am I ready yet? I can’t…nng…”

Kokichi huffed a frustrated, impatient breath. “You really can’t expect me to last long when we only fuck once a month.”

“No. You’re not ready yet.” Kaito informed him, something both amused and deadly serious in his expression, though his firm tone was hopefully watered down a bit as he continued to lay light kisses on Kokichi’s shoulders and neck. Trying to soothe his husband a bit as he said, just as firmly, “If we tried to put it in now, you’d probably feel fine for right now, and tomorrow, it’d be like I shoved my fist in your ass. You’d feel it, like this,” Kaito said, thumping his hand lightly against the bones of Kokichi’s hip, “Like I had beaten you up inside. I don’t wanna beat my Kokichi up inside. I wanna give him a fun, exciting experience… especially considering I don’t get the chance to do this very often.”

“So, beautiful?” Kaito said, gently running his hand up Kokichi’s arm, holding Kokichi’s hand a little before placing it gently back on the bench, kissing his cheek as he did so, then kissing him firmly on the mouth as he let it go, tilting Kokichi’s chin to give him access, “You are going to be patient. Especially for this next part. Kay?”

“You can always say no. I’ll never deny you anything.” Kaito whispered against Kokichi’s mouth, kissing him, tasting at his tongue, “So say yes, Kaito. I’ll be patient.”

Kokichi shuddered at the tone and closed his eyes, trying to focus on the kisses. …he knew Kaito was right. As much as Kaito really would hold off if he thought Kokichi was ready, just to enjoy watching him writhe, Kaito did know that even at his best Kokichi’s stamina was sub-par. If they wanted to have a chance at all of using the vibrator, he couldn’t linger for long. 

It was just…then being careful and healthy. 

But gooooood he wanted Kaito’s dick in him!

Kokichi whined against Kaito’s lips, dragging his teeth down his bottom lip. “...I might not be able to help it. Lemme hold myself to keep from cumming, and I’ll be patient for you. Though…at this point I’d kind rather you just rail me until I black out.”

“I know, I know.” Kaito grinned, feeling a shock of arousal run through him as Kokichi bit at him, slightly, kissing him back as he rocked their body’s back and forth a little, his own erection high and pressing against Kokichi’s back side as he held him tight. “My poor ‘Kichi. His brute of a husband asks too much of him. Such a mean Kaito… you can hold yourself beautiful.”

Giving him another little kiss, Kaito gave him an extremely sympathetic look as he said, “Just for the record? I’m sorry about this next bit. If you think you’re gonna cum, tell me before it gets to the high points, as soon as it starts to build? I promise not to draw this next bit out too long. I promise. My good ‘Kichi… okay.” Another little kiss, before Kaito shifted back, getting himself off of Kokichi’s back.

With a sigh, steadying himself, Kaito grabbed some more lube, and began to generously slather it on his own dick. Murmuring to himself, “Medium dildo’s coming up~”

“You’re not mean…” Kokichi groaned, biting down a little more at the corner of Kaito’s lips. “You’re just a tease, and I’m impatient… You’re always tellin’ me to enjoy the journey, but I’m always too excited ta get to the destination. Best laid plans…”

Huffing a small breath, Kokichi opened his eyes and gave Kaito a little nod. “I’ll try… Sometimes it dos’n’ hit me ‘til I’m about to go, but…I’ll try.” And if all the little shivers and sounds weren’t enough to tell Kaito that Kokichi was supremely enjoying this and was already built up, then the slight relaxed accent starting to tinge his words was.

Kokichi adjusted himself slightly as Kaito sat back, re-perching himself on Kaito’s legs and crossing his arms, creating more of a cushion for his head. The worst thing he could do in this position was put the burden of his weight onto his neck, instead of his chest. And…this was probably the last moment he’d be coherent.

A murmur from Kaito, a few moments, and-- “HHhhhOHHHH~” Kokichi moaned loudly, bowing his back as he felt Kaito push in, feeling that comforting, solid warmth nicely stretch him. 

Kaito desperately wanted to ignore everything he had just said and fucking go ham on Kokichi, Kokichi’s moan and the way his backside tightened around him, warm and slick and inviting, all running though him like lightening and straight into his dick. Good shocks, bad shocks… Kaito’s whole nervous system lit up and danced. 

Don’t lose it. Don’t lose it. After that whole speech about being patient? Kokichi will never let you live it down if you lose it, he will tell Shuichi and Shuich will make fun of you for the rest of time. 

Putting his hands on either side of Kokichi’s hips, Kaito’s thrust were slow, testing. Slicking his dick back and forth, letting Kokichi’s insides squeeze every little inch of him, his hole pulsing around his dick in excitement, Kaito feeling the beat of Kokichi’s heart as it upped in tempo. 

“...” Kaito looked down at Kokichi, deep inside of him and moving slow, his own heart thumping painfully as he swallowed some of his own spit down, eyelids heavy. Gaze hungry, but not that excited, almost panicked hunger he sometimes had. More like how a creature might look at a meal that it had long already trapped, a calm satisfaction at a future meal… and, well? It wasn’t inaccurate. “I’m gonna take my piece out of you later, ‘Kichi.” Kaito said, still carefully thrusting in and out, “But for now, I’m gonna speed up a little. Just to loosen you up? Okay? Don’t cum, ‘Kichi…”

And with that, Kaito sped up his tempo. Small, persistent smacking of skin as he thrust against Kokichi, gripping his husband hips tight. Feeling Kokichi’s inside tighten against him, but the walls giving way with every forceful push.

His own dick building. Building…

Kaito bit his lip, hard. And slowed down. Leaning over and kissing Kokichi’s back, his dick still and full and aching in Kokichi’s ass, wanting to finish…

“...Pick a position you want to be in for the vibrator.” Kaito ordered, “now.”

Kokichi could only pant and groan as Kaito moved in him. It was one of the slower paces they’d had, but that just made it deliciously agonizing. He could practically feel his rings pulse and squeeze before giving up against Kaito’s unyielding girth, allowing him in even further, to touch even more. 

And as Kaito sped up?

“Uuuhn, uh, Kai-ch -  Ahhhh! Hun! Nngaah!” Kokichi’s cries were lazy, drawn out and drowning in honey-like ecstasy, his world narrowing down to just Kaito’s cock in his ass and his dick thick and throbbing against his stomach. And yet…though it would feel incredible, though he knew it’d feel incredible for Kaito…he didn’t cum. 

He’d just been about to reach down again to hold himself, about to somehow attempt to give Kaito a warning that the coil in his stomach was drawing tight again…but Kaito stopped too. And Kokichi could barely think about the creative problem he posed. 

“Can’ - ahhh - Mm…” Kokichi bit his arm, trying to swallow as his hips shook and bucked down, still trying to chase his orgasm. “Can’ stay up like this, no’ anymore… ‘M gon’ lose it…”

Kaito almost asked Kokichi if he wanted the cushion now… but stopped himself last second, literally biting his tongue. Kokichi was barely coherent right now, if Kaito asked, he’d say yes without really thinking about it. And considering his husband hadn’t been sold on it before this, Kaito felt like it’d be taking advantage, to ask again.

So, gently Kaito pried Kokichi away from the bench, adjusting himself so that he was sitting criss-cross and literally lifting Kokichi up bridal style, putting him down horizontally across Kaito’s lap, who pressed his legs down against the tub to make it as comfortable as possible,.

Kaito gave Kokichi an openly fond look as he stared at him sprawled out across his lap, his dick trapped beneath Kokichi for a moment before Kaito shifted, letting it lay across Kokichi’s stomach, it’s end hovering above Kokichi’s skin, grazing against Kokichi’s own dick, high and tight against his stomach. His husband was beautiful…

“Okay.” Kaito grinned, grabbing the abomination and literally dumping the head into the lube, rubbing it more evenly on as he grinned wolfishly down at Kokichi, “Grab you knees and see how wide you can spread em like this, babe. The wider you can manage? The sooner we’re done. You’ve been so good. We’re almost there.”

Kokichi practically melted against Kaito as he held him in his lap, having been completely honest when he said he couldn’t hold himself up. Really, the best thing in Kokichi’s mind at the moment, despite how much he liked actively reciprocating, was a fantasy of being tossed into bed before Kaito took up his thighs and pounded into him like no tomorrow. 

But he trusted there was something even better waiting just moments away. 

Barely thinking, Kokichi reached over to massage Kaito’s dick as soon as he laid it across his hip, wanting to bring his husband the same pleasure too, but he could only swallow and blink blearily up at Kaito before following his command. He wasn’t sure how long he’d be able to hold his legs up, but he’d still give it a shot. 

He couldn’t really move his left knee up much, considering he’d just knee Kaito in his chest, but Kokichi looped his arm under his right, leaning and pulling back as much as he could, leaving himself exposed, ready and waiting. 

Blinking up at Kaito, breathing heavily, Kokichi whined. “Please, Kai-chan…”

“So good,” Kaito murmured approvingly, his eyes heavy and lidded with lust, “So perfect. My perfect ‘Kichi… I love you so much.”

Alright. Moment of truth. Time to see if all the effort paid off.

Taking the abomination, Kaito– just in case– double checked the lock again, before confirming it was off. His stomach tight in arousal and his heart pounding in excitement, Kaito prepped the head of the vibrator against Kokichi’s backside, tapping it against Kokichi’s hole just to let him know it was there.

Kaito pushed. It went in easy at first, the first half of the bulbous head slicking into Kokichi’s open and pulsing hole effortlessly, but as it got to its widest part, the push stopped. Kokichi’s walls feeling hard and putting up a good amount of resistance. Okay… okay…

Biting his lip, Kaito started to wiggle it, looking for an angle where it might give. Using his other hand, he leaned his body back a little and grabbed the back of Kokichi’s other knee, leaning back far to pull Kokichi’s other leg a bit, giving him a little more spread… 

The head of the vibrator literally ‘Popped’ inside, finding enough give to get inside, Kokichi’s ass swallowing it up now, almost trying to pull the item out of Kaito’s hand. Putting Kokichi’s leg back, Kaito leaned forward now, the vibrator now thoroughly trapped inside of Kokichi. Kaito would have to pull if he wanted to get it back out without spreading Kokichi’s legs again, but without that pull, it wasn’t going anywhere. Firmly inside.

Good. Kaito swallowed again, harder, still hyper focused on his husband. Good. He liked that.

“You can let go of your knee now, babe.” Kaito said, brushing his hand lovingly through Kokichi’s hair, before cupping the side of his face, “It won’t help or hurt anything now. It’s in. You did it.”

And still adoringly rubbing his thumb along Kokichi’s face, Kaito tilted the vibrator more fully against Kokichi’s prostate, and turned on the vibrations. “You did so good.”

So, Kokichi did know there was a size difference between Kaito and the vibrator (and even again from the vibrator to Shuuichi, but unfortunately their boyfriend wasn’t in contention right now). And he knew there was going to be a texture difference too. But even so, as Kaito started pressing the head of the vibrator into him, Kokichi’s face went through a few weird expressions, not used to something like this at all. 

Especially not so…large, right at his entrance. 

It didn’t hurt. Kaito wasn’t pressing so forcefully, and there was plenty of lube, and they’d certainly taken their time prepping him, so it didn’t hurt. It was just…kind of uncomfortable. Feeling something so large press against him… Were they really sure that it--

“Hhhhh!!”

Kokichi choked on a deep gasp, his eyes popping open as the head of the vibrator literally popped inside him. And, and, Kokichi had always thought that Kaito’s dick was unyielding. But now…there was a thick, hard something in his ass, slowly traveling deeper and deeper as his muscles pulled it in and…

And it felt good… 

After his gasp it was like Kokichi’s breaths started up double-time, and he was left panting and whining in Kaito’s grip, barely realizing that Kaito said he could let go out his leg as he was lost in focus in his ass. 

But that was barely the start of it. 

There was a click, barely audible under Kokichi’s panting, and Kaito started guiding the vibrator, and…

Well, Kaito had said he was going to get Kokichi to scream.

Kaito watched with horny delight as Kokichi started to writhe. His husbands face beautifully lewd, mouth wide open to match his eyes, a trail of drool spilling out of the side of lips, his tongue pressing at the edge of his teeth, sweat pooling on him. His whole body jerked in reaction against Kaito’s lap, his legs clenching together in overstimulation as his whole body shook. 

He hadn’t cum yet, by Kaito suspected that was pure shock more than anything. His nipples were pointed and hard as little diamond cutters, and Kaito licked his lips, just, incredibly aroused as he watched Kokichi’s body shake and try to twist around the vibrator. 

Kaito watched as a splash of white ripped across Kokichi’s stomach and chest, his husbands body still shaking in his lap. Wiping his own mouth, Kaito ran his hand over Kokichi’s stomach and chest, spreading around the cum as he tilted the vibrator so that it was pointing down, turning off its power, before playing with Kokichi’s nipples a little, with his cum covered hands…

Kaito grinned wide, “Come on, babe,” he said, voice low and excited, “We didn’t do all this work for one round, did we?”

And pushing the vibrator back up, he turned up the vibrating levels to the next setting. Could hear it vibrating against Kokichi’s prostate, Kaito watching Kokichi hungrily.

Honestly…Kokichi wasn’t sure what was happening any more. All he knew were the explosions of ecstacy ripping through his body, some sort of assurance that Kaito was still there, but mostly… He couldn’t even form words anymore, simply sobbing in pleasure against his husband, vowels sloppily dripping off his lolling tongue in steady whines whenever he wasn’t simply gasping for breath.

Even getting release wasn’t much of a relief, his body still shaking from the vibrations, even if they were no longer on…but that facsimile of a reprieve didn’t last long either. 

As Kaito turned the vibrator back on, turned it even higher, Kokichi could only weakly scream again, submitting to his body’s spasms as overstimulation pricked tears at his eyes. 

Kaito reassuringly rubbed Kokichi’s chest and stomach some more, watching his husband gasp and shudder against him for a moment before turning that hand to his own dick. Just watching Kokichi as he squeezed and rubbed himself, not going too fast, knowing he wouldn’t have too. Hell, more time watching this? Kaito would have cum dry, his arousal and excitement too much for him. 

All that said, when Kokichi came again, less this time, but spurts of white cum springing his stomach before Kaito was finished, Kaito still turned off the vibrator. As much as he wanted to cum along with Kokichi while he was still gasping and pleading through the pleasure actively rushing through his body, Kaito knew that pushing past two, even a little, was going to be too much on his husbands body. 

So Kaito turned off the vibrator, quietly rubbing himself out… and gritting his teeth, with a small “Hrn… fuck… oh god…” Kaito came against Kokichi’s stomach as well, mixing the two as Kaito panted above him, body warm and electric from his orgasm.

Kaito blinked hazily… before looking down at Kokichi’s dazed, tear-soaked face, still looking like he had no idea where he was. Placing his arm under Kokichi’s neck, he lifted his husband up a bit, placing soothing, soft kisses against his cheek and temple, murmuring, “You did so good. You did so good. I love you, you were amazing… don’t worry, I’m going to clean you up and then you’re gonna take a nap. You did so good.”

Kissing Kokichi some more, he let Kokichi lay back down, before carefully taking his knees and pulling them back, trapped the one next to him beneath his arm and pulling the other as far back as he could. Kokichi felt like liquid in his hands, and pulling the vibrator out was much easier than putting it in, putting it aside before– entirely to clean him, knowing Kokichi was too out of it to do it himself– he stuck his fingers inside Kokichi, cleaning out the excess lube and wiping him down with the water before reaching for a bath sponge, wiping Kokichi down as he continued to murmur, “You did so good… ‘Kichi, how do you feel? Tell me what hurts…”

He’d sorta asked for it, but…Kokichi wasn’t really sure what happened for a few moments there. Everything was all-consuming and electric, and then…Kaito was kissing him, murmuring praise. Which settled the disorientation in Kokichi’s head, but…well. He could say he was thoroughly sated. 

Kokichi could only blinked dazedly up at Kaito as he tried to catch his breath, barely wincing from the over stimulation as his husband cleaned out his ass and just…feeling like a rag doll, flopped over him. 

“...mmmnhu…” Kokichi tried to say, words feeling like glue in his mouth before he swallowed, blinking a few times to center himself. “...thin’ I migh’ pi’ s’m’self… Jus’ kind’a ssn…sensitive…”

…he wasn’t…really sure what to think, just yet. He just kind of wanted to go to bed and…figure it out later when he could feel his body and his head wasn’t drifting like a piece of driftwood on the sea.

Kaito laughed lightly at that, washing Kokichi off, “I may have overdone it… alright, we’re draining the water anyway, uh, so don’t feel embarrassed, it’ll just drain with the water, and I’m not holding anything against you. Then I’m just gonna wipe you down with some fresh water when the old waters drained, get my ‘Kichi all clean, and we’ll be done, okay?”

Kaito pulled the plug and, ignoring whatever Kokichi decided to do, not wanting to embarrass him, Kaito reached over and tuned the water back on after a moment, not hot but not chilly either, running the sponge under it and when the water had drained sufficiently, wiping Kokichi down again, doing this a few times before Kokichi wasn’t sticky or stained anywhere.

Picking Kokichi up, Kaito kissed his forehead again before murmuring, “You did amazing. We’ll check on you again when you’ve slept a bit, okay?” Grabbing the towel on his way out of the bathroom.

Outside, Shuichi was beat red, looking like was trying to read a book and failing as he glanced up at them, “...the heck did you two do in there? I almost wanted to check on you.”

Kokichi wasn’t even really sure if he did piss or not, just…feeling like he didn’t have control of any of his faculties. Especially not anything below the belt. It was nice, how Kaito so gently and lovingly cleaned him up and caressed him, but…it was almost like being in a dream, or being half asleep--in fairness, though, that might actually be where Kokichi was at the moment. Nothing really felt real…

“...mm,” he said anyway. “Love you…”

Still boneless against Kaito, Kokichi let his eyes shut, barely registering that Shuuichi had spoken up, though he made a cursory attempt to reach out towards their boyfriend. Curling up next to Shuuichi and sleeping for a while seemed good… Then he could figure out everything else later. 

For as wrecked as he was, Kokichi was looking pretty good, his skin rosy and sparkly from the bathbomb, looking peaceful as he was curled up in Kaito’s arms.

“I overdid it a bit.” Kaito admitted, giving Kokichi an adoring look before placing the towel down on the bed, putting Kokichi on top of it. He started to wipe Kokichi down limb by limp, getting the excess water off before taking the towel out from under him and running it through his hair. “I have to clean the bathroom, and I’m awake now anyway, handsome. It’s still pretty early into your shift, right? Wanna spend some of it napping instead?”

“Miyako’s asleep… you’re not sleepy?” Shuichi asked, getting up and putting his book aside, heading over to the bed as he gave Kokichi and Kaito both equally skeptical looks, “Kokichi looks wrecked… what’s that on his skin?”

“Bath bomb. Looks pretty, right? It’s the main reason I gotta clean the bathroom. Smells good, though. And he’s fine, he’s just sleepy. Gotta check on his hips when he wakes up,” Kaito said, knowing that Kokichi’s eyes currently being slit open didn’t mean much as he lifted and placed his husband more comfortably in the bed, “But otherwise he should be okay. Nap?” Kaito tempted Shuichi again, bringing up the blankets over Kokichi and kissing at his cheeks and temple, murmuring to him, “Love you, ‘Kichi.”

Shuichi considered it… “You won’t wake me if Miyako needs changing?”

“Nope! You get a full pass on diaper duty!”

“Deal. I didn’t change out of my pajamas anyway.” Shuichi shrugged, crawling in next to Kokichi, giving him a kiss, “...your right, it does smell good. It’s soft too. His skin, I mean.”

“Yeah, there’s definitely something in those things.” Kaito laughed, looking down at himself, just as affected as Kokichi, enjoying the feeling of it on his skin. “Alright, love you guys. Get some rest. I’ll be in the bathroom scrubbing.”

Shuichi nodded at that, drawing Kokichi in close, enjoying the scent and feel of him.

-

Kaito was practically skipping on the way back up with food, an easy, comfortable energy to him. It practically radiated off of him, and (unusual for Kaito) he seemed to greet people like he was actually glad to see them, rather than nervously trying to read them. He was just relaxed, fetching dinner since Shuichi had gotten up, feeding Miyako. 

He tapped lightly at the door, before opening it up, calling out, “Got the grub~ ‘Kichi still sleepin?”

“Not quite…” Kokichi mumbled from bed. He hadn’t elected to get up when Shuuichi did, just feeling…sore and drained and…not a little frustrated. But he knew the way to deal with that feeling was to talk so… They’d talk, he guessed. 

Peeking blearily over the pillow he’d scrunched in his arms, Kokichi sighed softly as he made eye contact with his husband, still finding himself smiling slightly. “What’s for dinner?”

“Something called a Keto Taco Casserole? Doesn’t look like any casserole I’ve ever seen, but it smells good. Got some pea soup, and some salads with it, heavy on the veggies. Oh, and rolls! Anything you all don’t eat I will, I thought maybe you’d both be hungry so I got a little extra. Could just be me projecting, I’m starving,”

Putting the food down on the desk and picking up Shuichi’s portions, he brought it to his boyfriend over by the window, before kissing Miyako’s temple as she fed from her bottle, “Are we hungry people, Miya? Are we big eaters? Are you a big eater like dad? You eat all you like, baby, dada’s got plenty.” Kaito grinned mischievously, giving Shuichi a quick kiss before heading back to pick up Kokichi’s plate. 

“You eating under the covers, beautiful? I can grab the tray if you don’t feel like climbing out. You still look tired to me.” Kaito grinned, putting the plates aside and grabbing the tray, “You had a lot of exercise today.”

…

…well didn’t that sound appetizing. He knew it wasn’t exactly fair, since he knew what diminished his appetite, but…still. 

Sighing, Kokichi propped himself up on his side a little, not…thrilled to still be nude, but there was no way he wanted to get up and head over to the closet right then. Nodding slightly, Kokichi sighed again and held out a hand. “...I’ll take a roll, to start, I guess…”

…this wasn’t fair. C’mon, Kokichi…

He stared at their bedspread with a frown for a few moments before another sigh left him. “...we need to talk.”

…uh oh.

Kaito gave Kokichi a brief, deer in the headlights look, that look of resigned frustration in his husbands face immediately recontextualizing everything that had happened earlier. Kaito’s mind suddenly raced through the series of events, trying to guess the point where it had gone wrong, and a few warning spots came up. Errrr…

But Kaito only froze for a second, before he threw the easy grin back on his face as he said, “Of course! Just give me a second to finish setting up, we can talk.”

Kaito’s mind still hyper analyzing their bath time as he finished setting up Kokichi’s tray, grabbing his own plates and sitting on the bed as he placed the plates against the covers, Kaito ignored his own nerves as he gave his husband an earnest, attentive look. He almost asked if it was Kokichi’s hips giving him trouble… but he already knew better. Kokichi wouldn’t look like that if that was the case. So Kaito just said, “Talk to me, what’s up?”

Knowing that he needed to, despite his stomach stubbornly feeling like the size of a walnut, Kokichi nibbled at a bun. If there was something in his stomach, he could get started. And regardless of how he felt, Kaito was right--it was a lot of exercise. He needed to replenish his fuel. 

Hopefully it’d be easier to eat soon. 

“...I don’t like how you decided to bring me to a second orgasm without asking,” Kokichi started, his voice steady but quiet as he looked off to the side. His usual embarrassment over these kinds of things was gone, superseded by the need to have a serious boundary talk with his partner. “It wasn’t something we talked about before we got started, and if it was something you mentioned in the moment, I was too out of it to comprehend what was happening. I trust you to look after me if I lose it like that so…you can’t decide things about my body like that.”

“...and I don’t think I like the vibrator,” he continued, biting off another piece of his roll. “It’s too much. Sometimes overstimulation can be fun but…I seriously think I blacked out at one point. It was too much and I’m not comfortable with that.”

Kaito fussed with his knuckles, but he nodded along with Kokichi, trying to keep his nerves off his expression. Kokichi needed to be able to say things like this to him, Kaito wasn’t going to make it a chore or punish him by showing his alarm. Though there was a bit of a shrink in his body posture, subconsciously trying to make himself smaller as he said, “Oh… shit, I’m sorry, Kokichi. I shouldn’t have done that, I got too caught up…”

Again, Kaito wanted to ask if Kokchi was physically okay, but this felt like the wrong moment for it. Like he’d be trying to push past what Kokichi was telling him, though he was now a little more worried that Kokichi wasn’t feeling alright more than he had been before. If Kokichi was still in the afterglow, he’s probably be feeling amazing right now regardless of anything… but his husband was tired and grumpy and dissatisfied and that probably meant every little ache was way more pronounced right now.

Kaito would get heat pads. And some light medicine, that would help… did he not like the food? He was only nibbling on the bread, he could get him new food. Maybe he felt sick? Kaito could make a run, he’d make a trip to town, he’d find whatever Kokichi wanted…

Kaito blinked, reminding himself he actually needed to take care of this present conversation, and then he could obsess over how to make it up to him. One thing at a time. “You don’t like the vibrator…” shit, Kaito had ruined the vibrator for Kokichi, god dammit, “okay, we don’t ever have to use it like that again. I’m sorry, ‘Kichi, I shouldn’t have done all of that, I pushed it too far. I should have asked, I’m sorry.”

Kokichi sighed, feeling some of his frustration ebb away. He could feel Kaito panic and alight with nerves, but…this was a conversation they needed to have. He wasn’t so much mad at Kaito than he was just sore and tired and not wanting a repeat of that any time soon. That was all. 

“Thanks. I forgive you, hun.” Looking up, Kokichi managed a small, tired smile for Kaito. “It wasn’t so much that it was bad. Just…too much. Never really thought I’d be a moderate guy, but…here I am. And…yanno, that means your dick is still my favorite. No worries about me getting dissatisfied, as if that could ever be an option.”

“...we just gotta be able to communicate,” he nodded, speaking softly. “That’s all.”

Kaito gave a wary laugh back at the comment about his dick, brain still racing with ways to make up for, well… Kaito behaving poorly during sex. Again. Dammit. “Right! Of course! That’s all… that was all a lot anyway, right? It took a lot of time, it’s tough to mess around in a hard tub even normally, and yeah, vibrators can definitely be too much. It was too much! Sorry, I should have realized it was too much, I knew you were out of it, that was up to me to reel back…”

“I’ll do better next time.” Kaito promised, digging his nails into his joints, eyes glancing around before refocusing on Kokichi, then glancing at the food, then Kokichi again… “I’m really hungry. I’ll eat all of that. Did you want something different babe? I can get you something different.”

Kokichi frowned and reached out, putting one of his hands on Kaito’s. “...it was really good for most of it. We were communicating, and both having a good time. It got to be too much for me by the end, but…that’s why we’re talking now, okay? You’re alright. I trust you, hun.”

He gave his husband a curious look for a moment. “...there’s nothing to make up for; you know that, right? I’m not upset with you. And while I think we need to work on talking better when we’re in the heat of the moment…you didn’t do anything wrong, hun. Not any more than I did. You’re okay.”

“No, I know…” Kaito blinked, before frowning. Shaking his head, “I’m sorry, don’t, like… you don’t need to reassure me. Sorry, I’m not trying to make you feel uncomfortable. I’m just…” Kaito huffed, rolling his eyes at himself, “I feel bad. I want to make it up to you… that whole thing was supposed to be about giving you a great experience, and I… fucked it up.” Kaito said, lowering his voice on the word ‘fucked’ as Shuichi burped Miyako on the other side of the room, “And now your tired and probably hurt… are you hurt? I can go get heat pads now, if you’re aching, it’ll help. That and a painkiller?”

“I did have a great time,” Kokichi reassured nonetheless. “It was a lot of fun, and I’m glad we did it. It just got to be too much for me. But I’m still glad we tried it out.” It probably wasn’t the time, since Kaito hadn’t been very soothed by his last attempt at semi-humor, but…maybe their definitions of a great time were just different things. The vibrator had been relentless euphoria…and that just wasn’t Kokichi’s bag, apparently. He’d much rather have his husband in him than a big hunk of…silicon, or whatever the vibrator was. 

Stroking his thumb on Kaito’s hand, Kokichi offered him a tired smile. “I’m tired, but I would be regardless--that’s what sex does to me, and especially really active sex. And I’m not hurt. Kinda sore, but again…that’s par for the course. And I definitely don’t want heating pads,” Kokichi grimaced. “I’m just warm enough under the covers…though I wouldn’t complain if you wanted to get me a pair of underwear…and maybe a nice sleep shirt?”

“...or one of your shirts?” Kokichi blinked up innocently.

“Yeah? Of course, babe. Anything you want.” Kaito promised, twisting his wrist and picking up Kokichi’s offered hand, placing a kiss against the back of his pinky. As he did so, his mind raced between yelling at himself fo fucking up again and a series of images as he tried to rapidly pick which of his nice shirts ‘Kichi would be comfy in and still look amazing. An ever present tug and pool between ‘dammit’ and ‘aww’.

Kaito grabbed some of Kokichi’s undies and, after some quick debate, grabbed one of his satin button up shirts, a dark maroon color with a v-neck pattern that breathed like air. Kaito bought it cause it looked sexy, and it did, but satin was one of the few fabrics Kaito personally thought it was actually nice to sleep in, rather than merely tolerable. Kaito didn’t know what cheap satin felt like, but you could forget you were even wearing good satin, and Kaito’s satin shirts were from Luminary, and were great satin.

…then Kaito remembered satin felt so good because it was made from silk, and that silk was made from bug torture, and desperate to not make any more mistakes with Kokichi today, Kaito wordlessly put the satin shirt back and grabbed one of his workout v-necks. Again, the maroon color Kaito was so fond of. Tight on him, but Kokich would swim in it.

As much thought as he put into it, the whole act of picking out clothes itself only took maybe forty seconds, before Kaito came back with his prizes and presented them to Kokichi earnestly for approval. “These alright? Different ones?”

Kokichi took the clothes from Kaito, immediately going to slip his underwear on. Especially in the summer, Kokichi didn’t necessarily mind being nude, especially if he was going to sleep, but…right then he felt more like getting comfy. And for him, that meant, at a minimum, boxers and a nice big shirt. 

“Perfect, hun.” Kokichi gave his husband a delighted smile before pulling on the shirt, the sleeves falling to his elbows and the neck showing off quite a bit of his collarbone. If he stood, it would be like a dress or a tunic on him, but as he was, it was just cozy, comfortable fabric billowing around his body. 

Patting the space beside him, Kokichi looked up to Kaito gently. “...let’s keep eating? I don’t have too much of an appetite, but…I’m gonna try.”

“I could get you something else.” Kaito offered, this time referring again to the food, though he sat down when Kokichi offered, pulling his plates towards himself, looking over the food that was not doing their job in making Kokichi happy and hungry, calling out, “Shuichi? Do you want something else? I can make a run, eat all the food I brought up.”

“...could you?” Shuichi asked, letting Miyako play with his fingers and, not wanting to get in between this thing happening between them, but unable to hold back his skepticism as he said, “Like, no, I’m fine. I’m just curious if you really think you could eat all this?”

“What? Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?”

“It’s too much food. You’d vomit.”

“What? During my body-building days, this was a snack.”

“You’re not body building anymore. All this food is going to do is push you ever closer to your dad-bod future.”

“What?... no.” Kaito frowned, “...I mean, not one meal like this. It’d take a few.”

…it was a lot. Kaito had said he was hungry, had gotten extra, but…that was accounting for both him and Shuuichi having larger appetites too. Kokichi really was going to try and eat at least a decent meal out of it, knowing that even skipping one would start a trend for him, and especially then he needed the fuel, but…

Kokichi scooted closer to Kaito and rested his head against his arm. “You shouldn’t eat more than what’s comfortable for you. Whatever Kai-chan’s weight, if he’s happy and healthy then I’m happy, but…just eat what you want to. Don’t force yourself. If we end up with leftovers, we can just ask for space in the kitchen to store it. Or add it to the compost if it doesn’t keep.”

Closing his eyes for a moment, Kokichi took another bite from his steadily diminishing roll. “Food habits are important, and they always start with the meal you’re having now.”

“...” Kaito considered Kokichi, the fact that he had gone for the plain starch first. Hmmm… “...what if~” Kaito said, giving Kokichi a soft look, “What if I went downstairs, put this stuff away for tomorrow, at least yours, and I make you some sort of sandwich? With, like… some cut up fruit? And a pastry? Some lunch foods? If your stomach isn’t feeling super good, that’s an easier meal, and I can eat your portion tomorrow. I won’t even be overeating, a larger portion for you is still, like, a normal plate for me. Hm?”

Opening his eyes, Kokichi considered Kaito for a moment. …his appetite still wasn’t exactly piqued, but…a lunch-faire sandwich and fruit did seem easier to get down than a thick soup and a casserole…and less fuss than eating a salad. And it wouldn’t be wasting food (though he had been trying to be a little better about that causing him anxiety. He wasn’t in the habit of regularly ordering more than he could eat, so…it was alright if he couldn’t finish everything on his plate. It wasn’t a waste). 

Sighing softly, Kokichi reached around Kaito’s waist and gave him a hug. “...that might be easier for me, yeah. I’d appreciate that, hun. And…” Kokichi looked up at Shuuichi. “...if I end up not being able to eat the pastry, would you want it, honey?”

“I’m a little offended Kaito didn’t bring up pastries the first time around.” Shuichi admitted, giving Kaito a dry look as he warned, “You brought back salads but no dessert?”

“I forgot!”

“Too distracted putting cucumbers and spinach onto grass to get our favorite part of the meal?”

“Okay, first of all, we are not having the ‘grass’ debate again, you only do that to rile me up–”

“I’m teasing. Yes, I’d eat Kokichi’s pastry, because I am a loving boyfriend willing to sacrifice gravely for him… but also I want my own pastry. Bring up a pastry for me too.” Shuichi ordered… before adding on, “Please. Thanks.”

“Alright! It’s a plan! We have a plan! Okay.” Kaito put aside his plates, starting to gather up Kokichi’s as he asked, “Any particular kind of fruits or sandwich, beautiful?”

Kokichi quirked a smile, trying not to laugh out loud. He loved the grass debate. He honestly thought that Shuuichi may actually hate vegetables more than he did, and with anything that Shuuichi had opinions about, he made sure to ruthlessly make them known and supported. …as ruthlessly as teasing went, anyway. 

Scooting back against their pillows as Kaito left him--Kokichi could easily sit up on his own, even with the slight ache in his hips and behind, but he simply didn’t want to, preferring to spend this time lounging--Kokichi thought for a moment. “...mm, maybe not any straight citrus--like, I dunno if there was a mix tossed with, like, lemon juice, and that would be fine, but…eating slices of grapefruit can kinda mess up my stomach sometimes. And…I dunno. Just not anything too heavy or fussy.”

Kokichi’s eyebrows furrowed. “...I’m gonna eat dinner. But…all that might make it easier to do it.”

“Got it! Getting it done! Two pastries, sandwich and fruit coming up!” Kaito said, giving them both a thumbs up and a grin with all teeth before heading off.

As the door closed, Shuichi sighed. Standing up, cradling Miyako to his chest, Shuichi went to go sit on the bed, giving Kokichi a concerned look. “So… you’ve had a day.”

Kokichi waved to Kaito as he left, taking the last bite of his roll before looking over at Shuuichi and Miyako. Their daughter seemed as unbothered as ever so…that was good. (He wasn’t sure how much of that she understood. He could just be thankful for infants’ lack of memory retention.)

Sighing, Kokichi offered Shuuichi a small smile. “...sorry for being so loud. Must’ve been kinda awkward.”

“I really only heard you at the end there.” Shuichi said, raising an eyebrow as Miyako started to try to eat his finger, looking confused when she pulled at his finger towards her mouth and it didn’t budge. What was happening? She was clearly the strongest thing in the universe. Give finger! Come here! “At least, I’m assuming it was the end, you guys were in there forever and Kaito tends to take his time with you. And then when I heard you, I had to fight the urge to go check on you. Walking in would have been awkward, but that sounded… intense.”

Still wrestling with the baby, Shuichi sighed again, “And apparently I wasn’t wrong to be concerned.”

Kokichi watched Miyako’s struggle against Shuuichi fondly--he really was going to be the one with the most sense between the three of them. Perhaps he’d be the one to really succeed teaching her boundaries; Kokichi just didn’t have the heart to deny her, only to distract. 

Still, though, the mirth faded a bit from his face. “...it just got to be too much for me. Really…I’m just counting it as an experiment. Like with ice, I now know that I’m not into it. No one’s fault…we were just trying it out. And we’ll continue to communicate about it.”

“Mmmm,” Shuichi hummed, laying back with Kokichi, content to ignore his own plates of food for the moment as he gently pulled his finger away from Miyako, who started to huff in outrage, before quieting as Shuichi rubbed her stomach, blinking sleepily. “I don’t know if I ever told you about this before, but I asked Kaito to choke me once. To see if I liked it? I didn’t, it was almost immediate. I just felt tense and attacked. I can’t imagine finding that out and not being able to tell Kaito before he kept going. At least not without, ya know–” Shuichi shrugged, “--pollen stuff taking the edge of it off. That would… just be terrible, honestly. I’m sorry that happened.”

Kokichi’s eyes widened in surprise. He had no idea… His partners were entitled to their privacy, even when it came to things that might include him in the future, but…the only boundary thing he’d heard from their private times together was that Shuuichi didn’t like things messin’ with his dickhole. He had no idea about choking…

…and that was a really important one to communicate right away if you didn’t like it. 

…most things probably were. 

“...thanks, Shuu-chan,” Kokichi murmured, reaching over to rub Miyako’s back gently. “...it wasn’t…horrible, while it was happening. I can see why people like it. It just…isn’t for me.”

“Mmm… did you really black out?” Shuichi asked, sounding genuinely curious. “Like, seriously? What did he even do?”

Shuichi wouldn’t say it aloud, because he didn’t want to make his boyfriend uncomfortable, but he was making little comparisons to his own time with Nao, the first time. He had passed out at the end of that one too, as well as… he might have passed out again, though his memory of the second time it happened were much more disjointed than the first time. He had been in his tub at his old room, right? What had even happened? There had been water and Shuichi vaguely remembered getting really excited to drown, then something had happened and it was all gone after that. Shuichi had no idea what had happened. He barely remembered anything happening, what had…

Shuichi didn’t remember. It might occur to him later. But he was curious about Kokichi’s thing because, well… it was the closest so far he had ever gotten to talking to someone else who had anything like that remotely happen to them. He was curious.

“...you don’t have to tell me.” Shuichi said, realizing after he had asked that his curiosity was maybe not worth making Kokichi uncomfortable. Miyako yawning in his arms, now full of food and clean and getting little hand rubs by two dads. Luxury. “It doesn’t really matter, obviously. I highly doubt I’d ever accidentally repeat his mistake, so you don’t have to share it as a boundary thing.”

“I think so…” Kokichi murmured, unsure of himself. “There was definitely…an amount of time that I just kinda skipped. I was out of sorts for a while, but there was a chunk that’s just…gone. I’d believe that’s blacking out.”

It was enough for his own purposes. He wasn’t sure if straight out blacking out or having dissociated was better, though. But…it wasn’t going to happen again, so Kokichi supposed it didn’t matter that much. 

Shaking his head a little as Shuuichi backtracked, Kokichi glanced up at him with a small smile. “It’s alright. I wanna keep you in the loop.”

“...we were trying out putting the vibrator in me,” he murmured, still blushing a little from the concept. “But…yanno, it’s bigger at the end than Kai-chan. I was…I was already pretty desperate by the time Kai-chan pulled out of me… But…it was a size I don’t think I like, and having the vibrations on is just…way too much.”

Kokichi’s face darkened slightly. “...especially going for a second right after my first…”

Shuichi winced, “Really? That thing is as wide as I am–” well, limp, anyway, “-- that must have hurt. No wonder you guys took so long. You have such a thin waist too…” Shuichi shook his head, picturing it and not able to imagine it not being incredibly uncomfortable. It was just too big. “And, yeah, I was listening. I’m sure it was just Kaito getting overexcited, but… well, ‘just’ doesn’t excuse the fact that he didn’t ask.”

Shuichi looked over to Kokichi, before nudging him a little, smirking a bit as he said, “Want me to bully him? I can tell Maki we’re bullying him. We’ll tape him to a tree or something. Let one of the staff decide to cut him down. Could improve his relationships here. Everyone likes to come to the rescue, especially when it’s easy, and they get protective over whoever they help, historically. They’ll like him better for it… and it will be very funny.”

Kokichi sighed softly. “Thankfully, it didn’t hurt… The soreness is the worst of it, and I think I was gonna get some of that no matter what. Kai-chan made sure that we were gonna be safe about trying it. But…we’ve found my limit. I’m not one of the folks who wanna try to go as big as possible.”

He had mentioned in the past he liked how big Kaito was in him…maybe that’s what gave Kaito the idea to try for more. And it wasn’t like Kokichi hadn’t been excited to give it a shot. He just…wished he’d been given a moment to decide if he did like it or not once it was in. 

While he managed a soft snort at Shuuichi’s teasing, Kokichi just shook his head. “...you saw him. He’s already starting to torture himself. We should’ve taken it slower, and there were moments he should’ve checked in where he didn’t but…all in all, it was okay. I don’t wanna give him any ideas that he should be feeling even worse.”

Shuichi looked slightly startled at that. Torturing himself? 

Looking to the door, as if Kaito might just appear, he said after a moment, “I suppose I just don’t see this as him punishing himself. Kaito just… feels everything really strongly. When he’s happy, he’s happy. When he’s sad, well… he hides himself away cause he just becomes really despondent and has a hard time thinking about anything else. You already know about his anger, and… when he feels bad or guilty about something? You can see it expressed in his whole body. I don’t know if I’d count him feeling his feelings as him punishing himself.”

“Admittedly, therapy has been showing me lately that Kaito sits in certain permanent blind spots, for me.” Shuichi said, looking down at noticing soft little baby sounds, Miyako asleep. Thankfully apparently oblivious to the tension in her parents that day. “Dr. Ford says I resent his good fortune. Well, he didn’t say that, but that was the impression I got. That I have an impulse to dismiss Kaito’s problems as being lesser, because his life was so much more luxurious than mine growing up. He might have a point… I did that with you too, especially on the pollen. Even at their worst, a prince’s problems couldn’t match real people with real problems.”

“I sorta resented the accusation, because I grew up with Kaito, and if anyone should see past that particular bias it should be me. It should be a given I wouldn’t think like that.” Shuichi shrugged again, “But then I remembered how I felt with you. And I know that the pollen didn’t make thoughts just… appear. They all stemmed from things, personality traits, I already had, but just twisted and morphed… so, yeah. Maybe there’s some of that.”

“Hold on,” Shuichi said, shifting away, “I’m gonna put Miyako to bed and grab my food.”

Kaito did feel things strongly--no matter which way the wind blew, he burnt brightly all the same. And…part of that was that for an incredible high, there would be a tragic low. Kokichi wouldn’t want Kaito to…not feel regret, but…he didn’t necessarily think ‘feeling his feelings how he felt them’ and ‘punishing himself’ were wholly different things. People did a lot of things that came naturally to them that ended up really hurting them. 

Kokichi didn’t want to prevent Kaito from feeling guilty. He just wanted to keep Kaito from thinking he was an utter failure that kept hurting his family and didn’t deserve to be with them. 

In turn, Kokichi looked surprised when Shuuichi brought up a topic from his personal sessions (Kokichi thought it was…interesting, that Shuuichi took it as an accusation). And…he had a few things to respond to, though he let Shuuichi say his thoughts fully first. 

“...honestly, I don’t think there are any givens when it comes to how people think,” Kokichi hummed softy, watching Shuuichi put their daughter to bed. “Not that there aren’t trends, and aren’t meaningful trends, but…what makes sense logically doesn’t necessarily inform how people think and feel. Even for the most logic-prone of us,” Kokichi smiled, giving Shuuichi a nod. 

“...I kinda would’a thought something like that was kind of absurd, but…after learning more about the social structure in Luminary?” Kokichi shrugged, looking a bit tired. “...I think I get it. There are different kinds of problems here, but…seeing the difference between…I dunno. A kid failing a math test, and a farm losing a significant yield to unexpected pests in Dicea is different in itself to comparing trivial and life-altering issues between different social classes in Luminary. And…after talking to some of Kai-chan’s family, I have trouble seeing some of them as real people too.”

Kokichi knew he was losing his thread a little, but…well, he’d get back on track eventually. “I think…that might be something happening between Dicea and Luminary too. Like…how you guys felt when I explained how anyone can get into university, or how…well. I’ve noticed a lot of people from Luminary don’t really feel like there’s any consequences to things here, because we don’t have a common death penalty, and we don’t allow maiming or personal debt as punishment. It doesn’t mean Diceans don’t have serious problems in their lives…but it might feel that way, because the consequences of failing were more severe in Luminary.”

Shuichi hummed and hmm’d along to Kokichi’s response, putting Miyako down and wrapping her up tightly, loosening the upper edge of the wrap after he was done– it was a ritual, by this point– because he thought she might like to air out her neck a bit. Then he grabbed his food and headed back, still making small ‘I’m listening’ noises…

“Maybe that’s true,” Shuichi said, in regards to the last bit about how they viewed Dicean punishments, sitting next to Kokichi and starting to eat his food. It was a pretty unusual meal, the items didn’t really seem meant for each other? Like someone in the kitchen had just picked recipes randomly out of a hat… or some sort of randomizer process. It lacked it’s usual cohesion. “I know we’ve made fun of the concept of solitary to death. Going off to raise a garden… but, that said? There’s a lot of aspects to Dicean’s punishment system that are considered sort of horrifying, in Luminary. Things you all do to each other that if someone did it back home would make us look at them different. Like, sure, they’re the victim, but… what a disturbing reaction, sort of thing. I know it scared the shit out of Kaito, when we first got here, and Maki worried about it in quieter ways.”

“But as a detective, my whole job was to do things kind of like how all of Diceans do it. Uncover secrets, get the word out, regardless of who else it hurt. Detectives make people incredibly nervous, back in Luminary, because that’s what we’re supposed to do. Families tried to get vengeance on me all the time. Criminals would get desperate and attack me just to keep the secret, even if they were basically caught by that point and if they weren’t arrested an assassin was coming either way. Some people turned themselves in on the promise that they’d be disappeared and no one would know what had happened at all. People would take physical punishment over public shame, almost every time.”

“That said?” Shuichi started with the soup, sipping at it, “That’s just the culture we were raised in. I’ve said it before and I mean it, Dicea does it better. It just took some getting used to, to get my head around it, but it’s very obviously a better system. And the fact that peoples problems seem tamer here should be a point of pride… but, yeah. It can make me kind of dismissive, of things people complain about here. Maki was telling me about Joey, the drug dealer, and how he sorta vented about his life with her? His story was kinda sad at points, his sister super sabotaged his recovery effort, but Maki said she spent most of the time they were talking thinking he was an idiot, to have gotten into an issue like that in the first place, in a place like this. When you have so much opportunity and support and resources… it was easier to dismiss it as being his fault.”

Ah, that was true… His friends had talked before how unsettling they found public decrying. Kokichi in turn could never quite understand how it was a bad thing. Sure, sometimes people who weren’t involved with the initial issue of things got hurt, and sometimes even it hurt the victim too. But…whatever you did in life, you can to own it. You could admit mistakes, and that was why forgiveness was so important, but…if you couldn’t stand up to your own decisions, who were you?

He supposed he still had a while to go with the whole ‘cultural understanding’ thing. 

…though he did understand the appeal of avoiding public shame when you could literally be left coinless and without food or shelter, and then be put into slavery…

“It can be a grim sort of solidarity, but…a misery race isn’t something to be proud of winning,” Kokichi hummed, starting to bring up his legs before the ache in his hips stopped him. Instead, he just curled up on his side more. “...I feel like this sounds kinda preachy. But…it is something that I learned before being allowed to go to court.”

“There are certainly people who self-sabotage, but…at the crux of everything, no one wants to be unhappy. At the very first step of how anyone got anywhere…we’re all just trying our best to live happily.” Kokichi’s face was solemn, but at peace as he idly looked around their room. “Maybe they made a mistake, or a series of mistakes, maybe they doubled-down somewhere or became too frustrated and despondent so they full-swung the other way…there are endless reasons, really. And that’s what court’s for, what lawyers do--figure out what happened, and figure out how it all went wrong. Try to give the victim peace, and try to give the perpetrator a hand back to the road of their happiness.”

“...even if something is someone’s own fault…so what?” Kokichi shrugged. “That doesn’t mean society should give up trying to help them.”

Shuichi nodded, mouth full of strange casserole as he shrugged. Swallowing it down, he looked around for his water, and pouted a little to realize he had left it by the crib. Well, shoot… he needed Kaito to come back so he could go grab that. And he wanted his pastry. Huuuurryyyyyy Kaito. 

“I think I agree with that in practice more than I would have realized, coming here.” Shuichi said, looking over longingly to his water as he mindlessly ate some of the salad. “Most of my feelings about the people who have wronged me in whatever capacity here range from entirely apathetic to wishing well for them. But, then, maybe it’s just cause the nature of the hurts were different. I certainly don’t feel that way about Queen Sayaka, may her trials be long and ugly.” Or whatever the heck had happened to her, Shuichi still wasn’t entirely clear. “And it turns out physical pain against me bothers me way less then… well, I guess long term harassment and exploitation. I think about John still sometimes. I feel kind of bad about that one. I know I shouldn’t, that he was harassing me and was probably doing it to other people too, but… sometimes I wish I had just asked Kaito or Maki to go put a chip in his ear or something, or break his hands. What happened to him felt like an overreaction.”

“But, again, that’s just me viewing those two types of punishments in different ways.” Shuich conceded, “One seems less harsh than the other, and Luminary’s form of punishment would likely only stop him from ever treating me like that again. Other people? Probably not, not if he’s a dick. Which he still is. It’s not helpful to anyone, in the long term, him or other victims. And I still got revenge either way, so… everyone wins. In a grim sorta way.”

Kokichi followed Shuuichi’s gaze up around the room, seeing it land on a glass on the changing table near Miyako’s crib. Ah…one of the saddest predicaments, really. Leaving your drink across the room when you finally settled down with a plate in your lap. Being the great boyfriend he was, Kokichi shuffled out of bed, Kaito’s shirt predictably falling to mid-thigh on him, and set about collecting Shuuichi’s water for him. 

“It’s harder when it’s personal wrongs,” Kokichi hummed. “Which is why I guess people have really varying opinions about it ‘cause…I mean, what time does a random person have to worry about justice except for when it pertains to them? It’s a different question entirely, thinking about the boundaries of a judicial system for a nation. Factoring all the kinds of people that live there and their needs…”

(...he still had no idea how he was supposed to factor in the existence of magic and magic folk into that.)

Kokichi sighed softly when Shuuichi brought John up. “...I still do think that it was good that he got called out on his harassment, but…yeah. From what Kerry told me, a lot of people were taking things too far in return.” Kokichi’s eyebrows furrowed a bit as he handed Shuuichi his glass before returning to bed. “...harassment is serious. Even if John had fallen in with a ‘bad crowd’...he was still treating people disrespectfully and making them feel unsafe. So…a serious matter deserved a serious response. And now the burden of proof is on him to prove that he’s changed…and it’s up to everyone who decides they have an opinion to see if that proof means anything to them.”

“...kinda wish people would chill out a little, though. Unless you were someone he hurt, you should at least give him a chance to present that proof before automatically condemning him,” Kokichi sighed.

“Oh, Kokichi…” Shuichi smiled, mildly concerned about the stiffness of his boyfriends walk as he went on his quest, but extremely flattered he was bothering on his behalf as he said, “Thank you, you didn’t have to do that.”

Accepting the water when Kokichi returned, Shuichi rewarded him with a light kiss on the cheek and then an appreciative drink from the cup. Thinking as he did so…

“Maybe I wasn’t the first or last person to complain.” Shuichi said, the thought occurring to him for the first time. He kept mentioning ‘other victims’, but he wasn’t really thinking of those potential people as… real people. Who might really be living their own lives and causing their own ripple effects by their actions. “Or, that Mr. Behemoth wasn’t the first or last person to start calling him out. Maybe that’s why there was so much reaction, cause, like… if it was just me? I can’t imagine too many people would care, I’m barely a part of this community and I’m a Luminary on top of that. But if a bunch of people around him were starting to speak up, because of Mr. Behemoths bringing it out into the open?”

Shuichi hummed in consideration of the idea. “...or maybe that’s not what happened and Mr. Behemoth is just influential with a lot of aggressive friends. But I like the idea of the first scenario more. I guess I just don’t like the idea that he was pushed out of his school based entirely on what happened with me. Because, me being an isolated case, with what it was… it made me uncomfortable, but it was honestly barely anything. If it was just him having a stupid, thoughtless moment with me, then it should have ended with a scolding or a punch to the face. Or a knife, if it’s Maki in this scenario. But if it was a bigger pattern coming to light? …well, again. It just makes me feel better to think what happened to him wasn’t entirely just because of me. I wouldn’t have wanted it, and I’d feel worse to think it… funny it took me that long for that to occur to me, that maybe it wasn’t just all about me. Dr. Ford and Dr. Mariah would have a field day with it.”

At that, the door opened. “I come with more grub! And pastrie– oh, sorry Miyako, is my baby asleep? Sorry.” Kaito said, his voice immediately lowering as he heard little baby sighs, coming in with food.

“I wanted to,” Kokichi simply hummed, smiling at the kiss he was given for his effort. 

Nodding slightly at the theory, Kokichi’s eyebrows went up a little as he considered it. Kerry had mentioned just…kind of general poor behavior. It was bad enough if it had just been Shuuichi, but if he was harassing other people too? Then that had warranted a serious response, something serious enough for John to care about how he was treating others. 

…but harassment didn’t deserve harassment. He hoped things had calmed down on that front. 

“...in my opinion, I’d believe that it was a combination of both,” Kokichi quietly hummed, though he did laugh a little at Shuuichi’s--likely extremely correct--assessment of how their therapists would react to his self-realization. “Sexual harassment is serious against one person, but…I’d believe John hadn’t singled you out for that purpose. And Priest Bullworth…well, he is head of the Usott Sex Workers’ Union. Union people can be scary, and when it’s an issue that’s so close to something he’s devoted a large portion of his life towards defending rights for? I’m only surprised I hadn’t heard anything about it sooner.”

Kokichi looked up when Kaito opened the door, smiling softly at seeing his husband again. “I think she’s pretty out. Mi-Mi got nice pats from two dads, so she’s really living it up.”

“Double-dad-pat action? Lucky girl.” Kaito grinned, something still lightly wary in it, but looking a little calmer than when he had left. Walking around, being useful, taking a moment a way. It helped. He still felt like a dirtbag, but, well…

“Alright! Lucky you, the kitchen staff insisted on making the sandwich, so it’s likely better than whatever I would have slapped together. And I picked chopped apples with some peanut butter you can dip if you want to, good protein! And, I got cookies!”

Shuichi pouted.

“...what? What’s wrong with cookies?”

“They didn’t have anything nicer?”

“Well… look, Kokichi might actually be able to eat cookies, and if not, you having a few cookies isn’t as bad as you having two cakes or pies or–”

“They had cakes and pies!?”

“That was just an example!”

“I’m gonna tape you to a tree.” Shuichi said grimly.

“Thanks, hun. I really appreciate you.” Kokichi put sincerity into his smile as he accepted the food from Kaito, grabbing just a plain apple slice to start. Alright…he could do this. Simple, easy, tasty food, and he didn’t have to worry about finishing it. It was alright. 

Hiding a smile at Shuuichi’s grumpiness, Kokichi raised his eyebrows and showed off one of the cookies. “But these are lofthouse cookies, Shuu-chan. I’m…honestly kind of surprised they even had these. Half…well, a third of the time I’d really rather have a good lofthouse than a slice of cake.”

“...also, though,” Kokichi sent a half-smile to Kaito, a little scared this wouldn’t be taken as teasing, “If Shuu-chan really wanted extra dessert, he could go get some himself without you doin’ nutrition calculations. Think about it--is it really that “bad” for Shuu-chan to possibly get two slices of pie, or for him to head down out of principle and get an undisclosed number of slices to his heart’s content?”

Kaito raised his eyebrow dryly. “Kokichi, beautiful, our Shuichi wouldn’t walk across the room if he thought there was a chance I’d do it for him. I think so long as I’m willing to go, he’ll accept all my nagging.”

“Outrageous. I am deeply offended.” Shuichi said, sipping his water, “Slander. I’d go get an entire pie right now… if I felt like it.”

“Now that I believe. Thankfully for your cholesterol, you don’t.” Kaito said, giving Shuichi his cookies before kissing him on the forehead, before looking at the cookies curiously. Going to get his own food, preparing to eat at the desk, he asked, “What makes this a ‘lofthouse’ cookie? I don’t see a difference?”

…well. He couldn’t exactly argue that, now could he?

Shrugging with a grin, admitting defeat, Kokichi’s eyes widened at Kaito. “You’ve never had a lofthouse cookie? I’m sure we’ve had them before…”

Looking at the soft, pale cookie topped with almost a puck of pastel-colored frosting--cool swirls of orange and yellow for these ones--Kokichi hummed softly. “...it’s just the style? Like how a snickerdoodle is called a snickerdoodle--I couldn’t tell you why it’s called that. At least for these, I’d assume that they were invented by someone in a lofthouse. They’re just…sweet and cakey and…deliciously full of happiness,” Kokichi nodded with authority, taking a bite out of one of his to prove his point. “I feel like they get overlooked a lot compared to other cookies, but I’ve literally never had a bad lofthouse cookie. I think it’s impossible.”

“Ah, I see.” Kaito said, thinking it looked like a glob of sugar put on top of sugar. Though, he did like the colors. Eating from his own plate, Kaito’s nose wrinkled slightly, looking down at the food– what the heck was keto, anyway??-- not thrilled with the taste… but after a moment just shrugged and kept gulping it down. He really was very hungry. Giving your husband a shitty sexual exprience took a lot of calories.

“I do like how soft these are.” Shuichi agreed, taking a bite of cookie early as well, before returning to the pea soup, which he actually liked quite a bit, honestly. He had almost finished it without touching the casserole at all. 

“I’m thinking of making another pie attempt, soon.” Kaito said, the talk of dessert making him think of it. “I can focus on a particular type of pie, if anyone has any requests? Preferably something I can reasonably do while also taking care of an itty-bitty baby.”

Shuichi gave Kaito a startled look, “You want to take Miyako to the kitchen?”

“The one on this floor, yeah. I figured what could it hurt? I’d keep her in a baby holder, bring the diaper bag, make a father daughter pie… thought I might invite Tim to help too. Make it, like, a ‘dad’ thing.” Kaito shrugged, “Teach Tim how to cook a bit, at least the little bit I know.”

Kokichi got started on his sandwich--tasted like duck, kale, mushrooms, and…some sort of light-tasting vinaigrette-type thing--happy enough with the bit of cookie he’d had to try and get through the rest of his meal first. He was alright. Food was good. And…even if he couldn’t stomach something at first, it wasn’t trouble or being difficult to get something he could eat more easily. 

Hell, even the idea of a pie was exciting to Kokichi in the moment. He was getting back on track. 

“Oooh…maybe a peach pie. Those are really nice this time of year, and if the crust doesn’t end up holding, you can always pile it into a bowl and call it a cobbler. Success either way!”

But as for the kids being involved with it… Kokichi gave Kaito a soft smile. “That seems like a great idea. And while she’s still too young for it now, when she can start eating other food? It’d be cool to give her little taste tests of whatever you’re cooking. I did get a little curious about the chapters in the baby books about making your own babyfood…”

“Gonna fill my baby with good food~” Kaito sang-songed to himself, still hoovering up his food without tasting it much. For being the wannabee cook, Kaito didn’t have much of an appreciation for flavor. He just liked to cook for other people, mostly. “She’s gonna know the joys of good, healthy food… gotta start her young. Gotta give her ammunition against both of your influences before it’s too late and she has a full on sugar-addiction.”

“It’s not an ‘addiction’. I just like what I like, and I’m enjoying indulging that entirely for the first time in my life.” Shuichi shrugged, though admittedly he was eating plenty of the ‘grass’ now that he had tried it for this particular meal. 

“...” Kaito gave Shuichi a wide eyed, thoughtful look, sipping at his water for a bit, “...do you… wanna talk about it?”

Shuichi blinked, “Talk about what?” 

As much as Kokichi did want to spoil their daughter when it came to sweets, he did concede the importance of introducing her to well-rounded nutrition. Especially if she was going to have a specific nutritional need for extra glucose. If they could get her hooked on fruits and vegetables, that would make things easier for all of them down the line. 

Food was…surprisingly complicated, he was coming to find. 

Giving Kaito a semi-curious look, Kokichi hummed softly, thinking as he chewed through his next bite of sandwich. “...do you mean…Shuu-chan indulging in whatever food habits he wants to have? Like…being able, and being comfortable enough to choose your own structure, for that kind of thing.”

“I… yes?” Kaito asked, shifting uncomfortably in his seat, considering his words… and he didn’t know if now was the best time for a discussion like this, because maybe he should be focusing on Kokichi? He still had fucked up terribly with Kokichi and, like every time, getting him a specialized meal was usually only the first step of the endless steps towards some pipe dream of ‘redemption’... especially considering Kaito had done this so many times now that he was starting to recognize a pattern to his ‘make things up to Kokichi’ steps. When the fuck was he gonna learn??

But! This was something that had been bothering Kaito for awhile now, ever since Dr. Mariah had mentioned ‘class’ issues and Miss Crystal had advised he just talk to them about it… and Shuichi had just given him room to express it.

“I mean… like, do you wanna talk about… frustrations you experienced? Back home, being Indentured?” Kaito asked, some of the vocabulary clearly him quoting something he had heard someone else say as he continued carefully, “Because… I am open and ready to listen in a… supportive and non-dismissive way, which I know historically I have not always been able to do, and–”

“I’ve complained to you about my lifestyle in Luminary before.” Shuichi reminded him, something gentle and amused in his expression. “Constantly, if I remember right.”

“Sure! But, like… we both have new context? Which might mean that same conversation would, ya know…” Kaito idly punched the air, “Hit different.”

Kaito seemed unsure, but…him prompting this sort of conversation? It was pretty incredible. Maybe it was something that Miss Crystal had prompted recently, but…it really felt like Kaito had just seen an opportunity and wanted to let their partner speak about stuff that may or may not be on his mind. 

Truly, Kokichi fell in love more and more each day. 

Smiling softly as Kaito articulated exactly what he meant by asking, Kokichi nodded a bit and turned to Shuuichi. “I’m willing to be an active listener too. Even if there’s just…anything you wanna exclaim or enjoy…well, heck, we’re your partners. If there’s something you’re happy about, then we wanna be happy with you too.”

Popping an apple slice into his mouth, Kokichi thought for a moment. “...honestly, other than what Tim mentioned that time we made dinner together…I have no idea what cuisine differences there are in Luminary. Like…between areas and…well, classes, I suppose. Is there anything to talk about there?”

Shuichi was still mostly amused, not really thinking he had anything he wanted to say, though it was cute Kaito wanted to ask… but then at Kokichi’s question he frowned. Thinking about it. 

“Mmm…” Shuichi ate some more of his food, before reaching for the cookie, “I mean, I wasn’t actually talking about my limits as an Indentured, so much as I was talking about the lifestyle Miss Kirigiri instilled in me, the clothes, the food, the…”

Something guilty flashed across Shuichi’s face. “...it feels weird talking about this without Maki. This is the sort of stuff she and I usually talk about…”

“We’ll talk to her about it some other time. Maybe we can talk about it with Dr. Mariah?” Kaito said, before saying earnestly, “But… you don’t have to wait for her. And if you want to talk about it, we want to hear it. And if we talk about it now, we can talk about it again later! With extra Maki spiceness! It’ll be funny and cathartic! For you guys.” Kaito added in. Maki and Shuichi made each other laugh when they complained about stuff, but Kaito…

…he didn’t want either of them, Shuichi or Maki, to not consider Kaito someone they can talk to by themselves. 

“The whole ‘beating a dead horse thing’, can talk about it as many times as you want.” Kaito said, already feeling like he was losing the thread of this conversation.

Shuichi, in turn, seemed to get less sheepish the more Kaito fumbled, laughing lightly before running his hand through his hair, “No, it’s alright. I’m not even sure if this is a ‘serious’ talk anyway. Again, I was just saying that my upbringing was both really strict and full of a lot of expectations. How I dressed, what I ate, what I did on a day to day basis. It was all really structured and limited, both in ways lined out and in ways only pressured or implied. This is the first time in my life where there’s just… nothing in particular expected of me.”

“But. That’s not what Kokichi asked, which is kind of a harder question,” Shuichi admitted, brow furrowed, “Because there was, wasn’t there. Stores and restaurants I wasn’t allowed into… not legally, but it was an understood thing, and you usually had to find out through word of mouth or little signs or,” Shuichi huffed, “aggression from the people inside. Usually if it looked too fancy? Don’t go inside.”

“And, ya know…” Shuichi smiled sadly, “Kaito would take us to those places sometimes? But it was ninety percent of the time, just, deeply uncomfortable. Peopl would stare, the workers would either look through us or talk to us differently. Sometimes they didn’t realize who we were at first and the night would feel normal and then some rumor would rip through the restaurant and suddenly everyone knew and it’d be tough again… but, well.”

Shuichi looked to Kaito, his eyes wrinkling up a little, “Every now and again Kaito would get it into his head to rent out an entire place? Usually cause it was someone’s birthday or special occasion or that one time just because. And when it was all just us? Just friends? No one was acting weird? …those times were nice.”

That made more sense to Kokichi. He had to accept that there were arbitrary divisions to…pretty much everything, as far as he could tell, in Luminary, but…it was still hard to use that knowledge in his own reasoning. But from what Shuuichi had told him before, and after meeting Kyouko himself, Kokichi could easily see that it wasn’t just societal pressure that drew boxes around his boyfriend. And well, for some stuff it wasn’t even her implicit pressure--Shuuichi had admitted himself to drinking green tea and black coffee though he didn’t like them, just because he admired his mentor and wanted to impress her by copying her tastes. Shuuichi’s discovery of his love for chai was one of those simple, yet big breaking out moments, Kokichi thought.

Kokichi raised a bit of an eyebrow as Shuuichi hesitated, but he nodded along emphatically with Kaito’s assurance. “Mhmm. Maki-chan has her own opinions that definitely make for jumping off points, but…I mean, we can all talk about this later too. I’ll be interested then, but I’m interested now too.”

And what Shuuichi said was…kind of the grim expectation of what he thought. Other than price-blocking, he wasn’t really sure how society would prevent people from eating or preparing certain kinds of foods, but…restaurants? That was a lot easier to police. 

…sometimes it was just…crazy to him, how much the Indentured Program was a social presence too; not just an economic one. He supposed Shuuichi and Maki were fairly famous faces, but…how did they tell people apart? If someone in the program was going somewhere in their free time…how, just on sight, could you know? And were false biases just…not cared about?

Unless a particular person had caused a disturbance there before, Kokichi couldn’t imagine any store in Dicea turning away someone on sight. Money was money, and a customer was a customer, as long as they weren’t being an asshole. 

…what was happening now, then? Were people still drawing those invisible distinctions?

But stuff like that wasn’t helpful for listening to Shuuichi’s experience. 

“Mm… I don’t really remember, but I think you told me about one or two of those times, Kai-chan,” Kokichi nodded to his husband. “It does sound nice--a real party sort of atmosphere.”

Kaito had been fussing with his knuckles a bit, looking uncomfortable at the talk. Because… it wasn’t supposed to be like that. That was why it wasn’t illegal for Indenture’s to go to certain places, because, legally… they weren’t supposed to be second-class citizens. Just… citizens bound by contracts! For awhile! For a short period of their lives! And then they’d be okay. They’d be like anyone else, but with really good job history and ready to take on the world…

It wasn’t supposed to make them lesser. Kaito had always really believed in that. Indentured’s weren’t lesser, they were just… people going through an alternative track in life. It was everyone acting weird that made it worse than it was…

But… that was Kaito being naive. Even if that had been how it was supposed to work, it hadn’t. And Kaito knew it wasn’t even supposed to work like that. He had just… wanted to see the best in the situation. 

But Shuichi was right. It had been easier, when Kaito had just rented out the place. No judging eyes or snide remarks. And he grinned as he said, “Yeah! I mean, sometimes it was a party. Technically it was always a party, but something the word ‘gathering’ made more sense. There’s this one night club down on…” Kaito trailed off, realizing giving Kokichi directions was pointless. They weren’t in Luminary. “Well, anyway, there was this night club with this beautiful roof. All these lights and water and a personal bar.  That was the ‘just because’ time. We were at the night club and some peeps were being weird to some of our indentured friends, trying to show off to their friends by being dicks, and I got tired of it so I rented the roof for the night and made it this big MVP party that of course those dicks couldn’t get into.” Kaito grinned, before relaxing, “But after we were all done laughing at them? The music thumping below us and the stars shining above? We all just settled down and drank and talked about our futures and… it was just nice, ya know?”

“I like that night too.” Shuichi smiled. “We were all so excited to rent out the space and we got up there, and by the time the adrenaline had worn down, no one really wanted to dance or act out anymore. We all just wanted to spend time together.”

If social convention didn’t align with the intention of the law…then laws needed to be changed. Sometimes that meant loosening them--there had been far, far fewer cases of deaths or health complications from overindulgence in alcohol, or drug epidemics (even with the recent one) since most substances had gone from being outright illegal to simply controlled. Sometimes it meant tightening them--holding business owners accountable for the treatment of their employees. 

Really…people were going to do what they were going to do. Laws were meant to create order around those habits, and support what was already happening. In some cases, at least. Fighting the battle of changing social convention through law was a nightmare, but…it was a fight worth undertaking when it meant justice for people.

Finishing up his sandwich, Kokichi listened with rapt attention as Kaito described the nightclub and the impetus to rent it for the night. The distant music, the stars above, friendly company…

“That sounds really beautiful,” Kokichi murmured, painting a picture in his head. “Getting an impromptu party like that…I can’t even imagine doing it here.”

“Don’t worry babe. You just gotta wait for me to hit it rich, and then I’ll rent out a night club roof for us.” Kaito grinned wryly, “How hard can it be to build massive amounts of wealth in one lifetime? I’m pretty sure I’ll get it done before Miya’s, mmm… two? At the latest.”

“Just ask Kaede for more allowance. She can afford it. I bet she’d give you anything you asked for.” Shuichi pointed out. “She exiled your brother a few months after you lost both your parents, I bet you can guilt her into all their treasury allowances combined.”

Kaito gave Shuichi an increasingly dry look, “I am not asking Kaede for more money… and Byakuya is still getting his allowance… he has to be, right?” Kaito said, frowning, “They’re family, she wouldn’t leave him destitute.”

…shit, would she? No, no, it didn’t matter, Sonya would look out for him. Definitely. Byakuya and his family had not been left adrift. Kaito was sure.

“... that was mean.” Shuichi realized, “I’m sorry, Kaito. That was mean. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Kaito had honestly barely noticed this time. “Oh, right… yeah, thanks Shuichi. Seriously, though, how do people get rich?”

Really, Kokichi had been thinking less about the money, and more about the scheduling. Though…if they wanted to try renting an entire club, rather than just a part of it that was commonly rented…yeah, that would be a hefty sum. You have to account for all the lost revenue that the place could’ve had if it opened normally, plus the fixed payment for cleaning and insurance if anything was damaged, then compensation for any employees sticking around…

Pff, maybe by the time Kaito struck it rich they’d actually be at the top of a waiting list. 

However…there were other ways to strike big quick, but… Kokichi gave Shuuichi a mildly alarmed look, honestly a little shocked that Shuuichi would go down that road so bluntly. He apologized before Kokichi could say anything--good--but…Kaito brought up another point. 

…Kokichi honestly didn’t know. He had a feeling all familial goodwill left Kaede the moment Byakuya refused to work with her on leading Luminary, though. He didn’t know Kaito’s aunt, but…it really seemed like Kaito was the only Momota that felt like ‘family’ actually meant anything. 

But that was definitely not a conversation to get into. 

Shrugging, Kokichi hummed a bit. “I mean, that depends on what you mean by ‘rich’. I’d call Miu rich--she has a steady contract with the government, so she has a steady stream of grants to cover the costs of her workshop, not to mention the money she gets from selling her inventions personally. She’s kind of a rare case, though… A lot of people just open really lucrative businesses and are able to manage them well. And back in the old days, that money wasn’t as regulated, so it’d become generational wealth.”

“...how you’ve described your family’s money, though…” Kokichi hesitated, though he nodded to Kaito. “...that’s more money than I think I can comprehend. I have a few guesses as to how that money can accumulate, but…I really can’t give any solid ideas.” …and they were things he’d rather not say to Kaito right now. 

…the reason generational wealth was so prolific wasn’t so much that people ran businesses well, like they were required to these days, but more that…they were just really good at exploitation.

“I mean, honestly, I don’t really know exactly what we have,” Kaito admitted, “I’ve never been able to see the financial books myself. I just know every month there’s a limit to what I’m allowed to take out of the treasury… was allowed to take out of the treasury, and that was a hard limit to hit. You’d basically have to buy buildings to hit it. And every member of the family had their own limit.”

“You still have plenty of money, Kaito. I know that because I still have plenty of money. Kaede still sends me allowances that Byakuya set up back when he filed the paperwork to have you legally claim me.” Shuichi tsked, looking unimpressed, “Between that and the national allowance? It’s more than we could possibly need.”

“Heh, well…” Kaito rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, “I spend a lot of that, actually. Uh, most.”

Shuichi raised an eyebrow, “What? How? On what? Did you go clothes shopping?”

Kaito huffed, rolling his eyes, “No. I’m funding Seiko’s research, remember?”

“That takes most of your pay?”

“Half. And then I’ve chopped the other half of it to various saving accounts.” Kaito shrugged, finishing his food and putting the plates aside, “I have one for Miya, one for Tim, I have an emergency one in case, well… I mean, if no one ends up needing it in like twenty years, it can go to Addason, but if anyone really needs it, like one of the kids, or you guys, or Maki, Temp does well for himself, so…” Kaito sighed, clearly still conflicted with himself. Having been debating over and over if he should specifically make the emergency stash an Addason stash now that he was godfather, start a new emergency stash… but he already had so little loose cash…

Shuichi gave Kaito a thoughtful look. “...how long have you been doing that? The saving account things?”

“Uhhhh, since I got clean of the poppies?” Kaito recalled. “I didn’t think of it until I was clear headed and, well, we were having a baby and Tim’s going to be officially an adult in only a decade and–”

“That’s very considerate, Kaito.” Shuichi said, “Show me your funds later, maybe I can contribute so it’s not just you.”

You’d have to buy buildings to hit a monthly limit…a limit for one person. He’d meant it, he really just…couldn’t fathom how much money the Momotas had. …honestly it kind of pissed him off, if they had stupid money and yet still refused to use any of it to feed their nation. Or instate any sort of insurance so people would never be left destitute. 

(...but that was exactly how you made stupid money.)

Eating the last of his apples, Kokichi just shook his head a little, too boggled to even contemplate the number. He felt like the national basic income was sufficient, even with setting some aside for various purposes…

…but most people only living off the income weren’t singlehandedly benefactors for medical research. And didn’t tend to set aside a ton of money into funds for kids, since that was what the child income was for…

Kokichi frowned lightly, thinking for a moment before looking over at Kaito. “...I’ve always just kinda held onto money until I had a reason to use it. You think I should set up a portion for the kids too?”